Need your advice

[Sam_K]

Hi everyone

i am 34 years old male . I have been married nearly 8 years . I am really depressed and anxious all the time . Going through counseling with psychologist

I need your help to understand if I am the only one wrong .

1 - When we got married . My wife went to a party at her friends house after three or four weeks . I said ok . She said she was dancing without pants in dark with her friends and other men’s . And later a guy claimed she was sexual with him. My wife says she did not do anything wrong because nobody touched her or she never touched anyone . But I was abused because I went to pub with new work mates when I started a onsite job in different city . I don’t go to pubs normally or drink regularly . It was just to socialise . No women’s were involved.

2 - my wife had four kids and I had none when we met . she had freedom to spend her money whenever or whatever she wanted to spend on. She bought her kids whatever she wanted to and I thought it’s her money she can do it .

But when I tried to help my mum it was problem. She think I should only spend money in the house and don’t help my mum if she needed.

3 -in 2012 my wife bought a 5 year old commodore with 160000km for $23000 which was originally advertised for 17000. Dealer added extras things . And 23000 was borrowed from a bank on 20% interest rate . She did not ask me anything or discussed anything. When I said please don’t get this loan because it was going to cost $41000 in total . But she said I am going to pay from my pay.

In2014 When I got personal loan to help my parents it was a problem. Why did not I discussed with her. Our finances are together but why our finances are together only when I want to do something. She calls me arrogant what I found her arrogant when I ask her not get that car but she did it anyway

am I only one wrong or do I have any right to spend money out of my pay wherever I want to after paying most of the bills. Was it ok for my wife To go dance with other men’s or I was wrong to go for few drinks to pub just to get along with new work mates .

[Sam_K]

She have told me many times she don’t need me she can get centrelink. I have avoided Arguments for 6 weeks with help of psychologist and gym at home but how long I can bite my tongue.When I loose it I m nasty. Of course I m . I ask her to pay half of next electricty bill and if she get full time job then 50-50 on the bills then boom
I have walked out tonight or you can say I have been ask to leave or been kicked out. Staying in my car tonight. Tomorrow I m going to rent a storage unit to put my stuff in and then I m going to look for a unit to rent . She pTook daughter of me and my daughter was crying and she said no more daddy. I said I am going to pay child support and I want to see the girls She said you not seeing the girls andshe dont want child support. I am going to find place first then I will get on to the getting help about kids.

she said I m worst partner she had but I’m only one she spent eight years with . I said if I am liar or you think I m being sleezy or cheating why did not you leave like other Boyfriends. Why have another kid . I was the one who ask to have another kid.
Last year I did plenty of hours so I paid pretty much everything rent , food , water bill , electricity, her phone bill ,home internet bill , her car rego , even repairs for her cars and then my own car rego and repairs , phone and fuel , I have been paying for her son,s school booklist from last two years even she gets child support for him . I do it with my daughters book list . I have gave her separate $400 for Xmas for kids. If she have lay-bys for kids I gave money for that . i have bought her birthday cake every year in last eight years but she never bought me a cake or took me out for meal on my birthday. She have paid for the meals in general. Even if we had fight I still Took her out on Mother’s Day dinner or lunch. I have bought her perfumes she wanted even we we wasn’t talking I found it in a store further away so I went and bought it . Bought her dual car camera , she wanted portable speaker so I bought that , she wanted a hard drive I bought that . She was going on her friend wedding , I wasn’t invited but still bought her dress and shoes.

my pay goes on the bills and it’s disappear. Because you can’t sit on the bills or watch bills or sleep on the bills like household stuff .she buy stuff for the house and it’s all hers, it’s not mine at all . That’s why I sleep on the floor. She bought king size bed , brand new mattress for herself and it’s all her.

[blondguy]

Hey Sam

You are in a dark place at this time.....Im really sad that you are sleeping in your car as we speak

Can you please our super gentle counselors on 1300 22 4636...This is a 24/7 service....There is no judgement on the Beyond Blue support line...just TLC and assistance of what avenues are available to you in this awful time

Im Paul and its good to meet you

I see that Summer Rose and RX have provided some very heartfelt support for you above

you are not alone

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sam

I'm so sorry for your pain and turmoil.

Good idea to find a place to stay as a priority. I wonder if the Salvos might be able to help you quickly find something? Just a thought.

Do you have a friend that could help you out for a few nights? Or how would you feel about approaching your step-son? You were very good to him during his family's time of need, he may return the favour.

One issue at a time, Sam. Roof over your head the priority.

How are you feeling? Angry, sad, relieved to have the issue resolved or maybe a mix? I can't even begin to imagine it but I am always here to listen.

Please let us know how you are, as I'm really concerned about you.

Kind thoughts to you

[Sam_K]

Hi

so I stayed Monday night in the car in a local shopping centre carpark. I sent her message about 7:30 and said I want to pick up my stuff after 9. She did not reply so I sent her message with question mark and she replied yes . I was already looking for furniture and appliances for the house . Then she call me at 8:30 and said do you really want to move out and I said do I have a option. She said I don’t want to raise the girls by myself. She wanted to go to work and she can’t drop our daughter at daycare because she was sick so she wanted me to come home and look after her. I said okay and went back. She is still sick and it’s Friday night . She has been spewing everyday . I put everything aside however I was feeling and think to myself, let’s focus on the our daughter. I did not say anything.
Couple of weeks ago she had a go at me saying I gave her the look. So I wasn’t really looking at her today while talking. Now why you aren’t looking at me while talking.

when we had our second girl .it was nearly Xmas so I told my boss about due date and I put my leave form in. But my boss wanted me to work until she goes into labour. So on Saturday morning I was going to start at 4:30am . I heard her through the night . When I got up at 3:30am , had my cereal she sound asleep . I did not hear her at all . Moment I got to work she went into labour She was calling me but call did not go through. So I got into trouble for that because I did not answer the call . I was not on the phone I was playing music in the shed and another guy was working with me . So now she is saying still to this day . I left her the labour. But I did not Hear her when I got up, had my cereal and when I left . It’s not like I had to go . I am working fulltime and I had already put my leave form in and already talked to my boss about my wife being pregnant and he agreed with to work until she goes into labour. When I finally received her call that day and I called my boss and he said you can go . I started at 4:30 and finished just after 5am . I said I heard her but it was through the night . She is like no you did not say through the night . Even today she is saying that.
Today I offered her to have sleep and I will look after our daughter till 10 or 11 until she fall asleep even I have to get at 3:45am.

I am not overly stressed but I don’t really understand how she is saying I do t want to raise the girls by myself and then this argument.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sam

I'm so sorry you had to spend the night in your car but glad you are safe now.

I'm going to be honest with you and share some of my thoughts with you. They may not be easy to hear but please know that I am not trying to hurt you. I want to support you.

You actually leaving probably scared your wife. She may have worked out how to replace your pay cheque but she can't replace daily child care help. You physically being present makes your wife's life easier.

Your daughter being ill probably made her see how hard it will be to manage alone. However, I don't believe this mean she loves you or that she wants a "real" relationship.

I believe reminding you of the labour incident is to make you feel guilty and manipulate you. If she makes you feel bad and like everything you do is wrong, you are more likely to do what she wants.

If you want to stay fine. But I would be telling your wife things have to change. First, you guys need to sort out the financial issues and she must contribute to household expenses. Second, you want the kids to be able to talk to your mum. Third, you are not going to spend your life sleeping on the floor.

And all this means you need to see a marriage counsellor.

See how she reacts. You will see her true colours. She will either really want to work on things or realise she's intending to use you and keep abusing you.

The real question is do you want to work on the marriage?

Kind thoughts to you

[Sam_K]

Hi

I am back again after 6-7 weeks. Same old problem. Last time I post here I went back because my daughter was sick . We did not talk much for week but I took her to my friend’s son birthday party and another party last week as well.

My younger daughter call nani to banana . I have been putting her on the video call with my mother so now she is saying Nani more often. My wife abused me again over my mum on Wednesday. My mum is this my mum is that . I said you need to find someone else because I don’t want to live like that. Then she is like oh you want to leave making a drama.

She don’t want me to go to India ,she don’t want me to take kids to India. She don’t want me to call my mum while she around and my kids can’t talk. Don’t even mention word my Mum.

I don’t want to live like that . I don’t want to spend 2020 like that. She said I am bad and she is putting up with me from last 8 years. I said we can separate then She said I am going to move back to her town which is 250km away and taking my kids.i am thinking just to let her go and let her do whatever she want . If my kids wants me they will find me one day.

I admit I watched porn while worked on away on mine site . Which she constantly throws at me and tells me I am always looking at other women’s. Why would someone have another kid if all they want another women.

Few years ago my work was quite so I said I can drive taxi on the weekend because my friend was making $300 night on Saturday. She said I just want to drive taxi so I can meet women. What how she know taxi driver wants to pick up women. Because she slept with taxi driver while she was drunk and he gave her free ride and she gave him ride . Went to his house few times . She said I don’t have feelings but that hurt . Then she told me she slept with bikie , security guard at pub , her friend brother and she still have video of him in VHS.

she abused me when she was leaving for work because she gets anxiety because leaving her daughter with me and I am the father
but she used to leave kids with baby sitter to go on date if she don’t like guy on the date then she will go sleep with another guy same night. And it was few times a week . She told me she slept with over 100 guys.
I thought it does not matter it’s past . Let it go for kids but when I being told how bad I am. she tells me she got morals .

[Sam_K]

Am I making right decision to move out because I know it will never get better . We have peace until I keep my mouth shut and don’t say anything back . I can spend next 10 years doing same thing for sake of kids and still be bad.
After all this I still bought her flowers, cake and took her to dinner on her birthday last month . Feel like wasted my money to make someone day special. Who doesn’t care what matters to me but I should care what’s matter to them .

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sam

I'm sorry that your home situation has not improved the way you would have liked it to. I do think it's great, however, that you have been helping your girls to talk to your mum. That's important.

You are asking a really big question but I think you've already answered it when you say, "Am I making right decision to move out because I know it will never get better." Never is a long time, Sam.

I'm wondering if you're still seeing your counsellor? If you are going to make the move for 2020, it might help to touch base with your doctor--just to keep you well and safe.

Kind thoughts to you

[Sam_K]

I am going to see the doctor tomorrow. We haven’t talk much since last argument on 9 dec. i am keen to change my life but when I see how happy my kids are around me . Thought of leaving It just break my heart . I am not worried about myself how I will cop without them I am worried about my girls when they won’t see me everyday. But I want 2020 to be different than this year. Just want Focus on the people that matter to me and my own mental health.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sam

I really like that you are going to focus on the people that matter to you and your own mental health. When you are in your best health, you will no doubt be the best possible version of yourself--which is exactly what your girls need.

Please remember that leaving your unhappy marriage doesn't mean leaving your girls. Yes, things may be different, but that doesn't necessarily mean that things will be worse. Different, not bad.

I hope the visit to your doctor was helpful and I am so proud of you for taking this step. Life can get better. You can do this my friend.

Kind thoughts to you