Trust issues

[MJthrice]

I have trust issues... yes and most likely they arise from how our relationship started... whilst o was in a relationship already.

however I recent saw messages from someone on my partners phone wishing they were in their appartment joining them for a bottom of wine’

When I confronted my partner they were very upset and angry that I had looked on their phone ... spying on them as they say and that I am trying to control them .

since then I am the bad one who needs to constantly applologise... they were merely trying to set a friend up and the other person must have got the wrong idea .

fast forward 2 weeks - I come home midday from work and they go out to meet a former college for a drink c 2pm ... don’t turn up to go to kids sports. At 4pm ...then Send txt saying going to meet up with other friends back ltr

tonight was our date night so I cooked dinner... candlelight dinner

930pm get a txt saying had enough missing you, hoping in taxi now....it’s a 15 min drive home

11pm No one has arrived home, not answering phone, There is the taxi fare on credit card.

start to panic that something has happened.

ring like 2-3 times every 10 min. No answer

call police and ask what to do... Police call and send txt..... and then the phone rings

OMG ... Someone is like furious with me for calling the police .... I’m worried out of my mind but they Are so mad now wants a divorce ... as I’m a manipulating and controlling person.

i thought I was a concerned and caring person.....

How different can the 2 views be ??

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Yes, I can see why you’ve written in here to seek clarification on trust.

What familiarity can do in a relationship is to lead to manipulation and that can be in many forms. Knowing someone well means they can push the boundaries knowing that if she finds out or merely questions him, her self doubt can be used against her. This is turning around the blame.

In its more severe form it’s called “gaslighting”. Google that and read up.

To counter this form of abuse is to stick to the facts of what you know and he cannot compete against facts. Eg he had responsibility to be at home or the sports field but didn’t turn up. His normal requirement is to contact you but focussing on you calling the police or trying to ring him shifts blame to you. In that case the question to repeat is ... “why didn’t you ring or text” repeated if need be.

My wife or I could go to each other’s phone and read anything. If we are late home by more than 20 mins we contact. Openness promotes trust, concealment promotes suspicion.

Try to be more confident in your judgement. Breach of trust is a major problem so if things deteriorate and lead to separation be confident that it can’t be helped. Consider professional relationships counseling or personal counseling.

Remember, you have rights and your right to mutual trust is indeed your right.

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello MJthrice, thanks for posting your comment and welcome.

If we trust our partner/spouse then there is no need to check on what they're doing, what's on their phone or what they're doing and if you both agree that it's not appropriate or any need to, then trust has been established.

If however, you do feel as though you are doubtful and rather curious and not comfortable with each other then the relationship lacks stability.

If someone feels as though their partner/spouse is meddling into what's going on then they aren't usually going to answer the phone or text, that's not to say you don't care, of course you do, but this doesn't mean having a divorce because we care about who we are with.

All it takes is a little communication and mutual understanding of where the relationship stands, but it's preferable that as Tony says counselling would be an advantage.

Best wishes.

Geoff.