Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Guest_4502 Codependency
  • replies: 7

TW/CW: Substance abuse, suicide I have had a traumatic life. That has made me the amazing person I am, but with a terrible flaw: codependency. It has been a pattern in my life and one I didnt fully realise until after getting very serious with my cur... View more

TW/CW: Substance abuse, suicide I have had a traumatic life. That has made me the amazing person I am, but with a terrible flaw: codependency. It has been a pattern in my life and one I didnt fully realise until after getting very serious with my current partner. There is a hierarchy in our relationship - her, her substance abuse, then me. I always come last. I understand enabling behaviours, and the need for boundaries, I have worked hard on these, but I struggle with the last step. I cannot draw a line in the sand by leaving, or issuing an ultimatum. Not only that I cant, but I don't want to. She is my whole life, protecting her is my reason for existence. I love her with my whole heart, I have no interest in leaving whatsoever. She loves me too, it is this horrible illness she has. How could anyone possibly leave the person they love, to leave them to burn and die, because theyre sick? My life with her is torturous, an addictive wave of love-bombing followed by total disregard, riding out days or weeks of torture for the next hit of love, which always comes, but barely lasts a day. But it's glorious. I am at the point where I've told her she's going to break me. She knows this but won't, or can't, change. I want to think it's coming any day now but I've seen this before, going all the way back to my childhood. It wont change. Leaving her is what every person and article out thwre says to do, but they don't allow for the fact that I love her, that it will end my life, and it will nkot spur her into action, it will escalate her into the world of hard IV drugs that I saved her from. This wont help her, it will almost certainly kill her, too. Totally lost.

The_Righteous_Dude Dissatisfied with Vic police/legal response to FVIO request, so far
  • replies: 13

Good evening, After dealing with years of verbal abuse and coercive control, I finally applied for a family violence intervention order in late May. After a few days of answering follow-up questions with a court registrar, I was told on a Monday that... View more

Good evening, After dealing with years of verbal abuse and coercive control, I finally applied for a family violence intervention order in late May. After a few days of answering follow-up questions with a court registrar, I was told on a Monday that a court summons had been issued and would be hand-delivered by police. By Thursday morning, no summons had appeared. I rang the local police and was informed it had arrived there on Wednesday, and may be delivered later in the day. I asked to receive advance warning of its delivery, so I could prepare myself; police promised they would send me a sms. Eventually, the police came at 11am Friday. I didn't receive the promised sms and the police didn't stay long enough to answer any questions from my partner who isn't a native English speaker. My partner didn't realise what it was until the police left. The following day, I rang the court to ask questions about what happens next; they advised that an interpreter would be present and we didn't need lawyers at this stage. A week later, I needed to call 000 because I was afraid my partner would physically attack me. Two police came and got each person's version of events, advised no crime had been committed and they couldn't do anything and left. My partner and I both received generic text messages as the only follow up. The court hearing was supposed to occur last Friday, but couldn't proceed because the court had forgotten to book an interpreter. This morning, the hearing was "stood down" (temporarily adjourned) when the magistrate found out we both hadn't received legal advice. We got the legal advice, but this afternoon we were the last case of the day, and it all felt rushed; I was dissatisfied with the process, along with the outcome: no interim intervention order. It has also emboldened my partner in their abuse, lying and playing the victim. Not that it changes anything, but - having seen how male DV survivors feel in other threads - for the record, I am a male and my abusive partner is female. As Victoria has had a royal commission into family violence, I would have hoped for a better response by the police and courts. I get that the system is overloaded, but still... How can I get the legal system to recognise my abuser has a psychological problem when it is basically my word against hers? Also, how can I complain to the police in a de-identified way?

chlokel Confused, do I keep trying or separate?
  • replies: 7

Hi all, thanks for taking the time to read this. I have been with my husband for 7 years, we have a blended family with two teens living with us still. He has always had issues with binge drinking on a minimum weekly basis, but during lockdowns can g... View more

Hi all, thanks for taking the time to read this. I have been with my husband for 7 years, we have a blended family with two teens living with us still. He has always had issues with binge drinking on a minimum weekly basis, but during lockdowns can get pass out drunk two or three times a week. He never remembers a lot the next day so for years he's gotten verbally abusive each time he drinks, with me and the kids..a few nights before we got engaged he tried to smash my phone and wouldn't stop yelling because id forgotten a friend had sent me a birthday text five months earlier. I spend my week anxious with his moods being so up and down and as soon as I see a bottle opens I spend my night waiting for him to suddenly get angry at me. The other night he wouldn't stop yelling, i went to bed and so he kept coming into the room for hours to yell at me every ten minutes or so. I told him the next night all he had done and he said he'd never drink again but i just don't know if its too late now. Im lightened Ill make the wrong choice, when he's in a good frame of mind he's amazing, kind, generous and so loving but he's also a really moody guy, very untrusting because of his past relationships, has very little patience for my daughter (from my previous marriage) but all the time in the world for our son (from his previous relationship) We separated last year and he kept saying i had someone else, kept up the drinking. He the promised me the world and said things would be so different, we saw a marriage councillor but i rarely found being honest. He kept telling me to talk out my concerns but when he drank, yelled at me for talking too much. We have just recently bought our dream home and I don't want to lose everything, i just cant say for certain i don't want to lose him... Thanks for reading, even with no advice i needed to get it out of my head.

Mark h Can a separated couple work together in business?
  • replies: 6

Hello to all of you Beyond Blue community members. I hope you are all safe and well during these troubling times. I would really like to hear from anyone with an issue I am facing. I suffer from a general anxiety condition as well as depression and n... View more

Hello to all of you Beyond Blue community members. I hope you are all safe and well during these troubling times. I would really like to hear from anyone with an issue I am facing. I suffer from a general anxiety condition as well as depression and now this decision I have to make is causing my anxiety levels to increase dramatically. I have received advice from friends and family but I need this community to also share their thoughts. My wife and I separated back in January this year and she moved out of home in March. I subsequently found out that she had had at least one affair 10 years ago and after moving out in March ended up finding another man in July who is also very local to where I live. To be honest, her ability to find someone so quickly after 24 years of being married is a big shock and not one that I will recover from quickly. I also knew this man quite well as he the towns local butcher. I have refused to go into town anymore as I don't want to see him or see my ex wife with him at any point. Things have ended ok. I still talk with my ex wife via texts mainly and also emails but not via phone often and not at all by catching up. It's all too raw right now. We have owned a successful business for 18 years together and whilst I am the sole company director, my ex wife has asked that she stay on in the business and operate this as friends being that we have both had input into its success. That is true of course but I feel that it's the lifestyle and salary that she will be missing as well as of course having to now move into a career probably with another firm in the future which is difficult at age 49. I have since finding out about this new man listened to myself and cannot find any conceivable way that we can work together. The emotions for me are too high but I also want to do the right thing. Maybe in 3, 6 or 12 months time I will feel differently but it's going to take a lot of time to heal and having her involved is simply going to delay this process I feel. What I would like to know is whether any of you, the Beyond Blue community have any input to this before I make a final decision? If I did remove her from the company, I would of course make sure she is given a good payout but even after talking briefly about this, it's clear she wants something substantial.I want to be fair but I also don't want to be walked over too. She has agreed to leaving the business but it all depends on the settlement figure. Any help would be great Mark

Caddy Confused emotions and feelings
  • replies: 3

Husband and I have been married for 15 years and have 4 children. Both work full time . I have also taken on all the chores of the house ( not by choice ) and children. I feel like I just never stop. we have moved around a bit but recently decided to... View more

Husband and I have been married for 15 years and have 4 children. Both work full time . I have also taken on all the chores of the house ( not by choice ) and children. I feel like I just never stop. we have moved around a bit but recently decided to stay put but it would mean another long move away for husband on his own. We have always struggled in our sex life . I have never had a high libido and pretty vanilla , where as he wants spice and excitement .. and way more sex . But recently with the hindering move for him, he has , more than normal, as this has been a regular on going fight .. been saying that I make him miserable and make him want to kill him self because I constantly reject him and never make an effort . He completely shuts down on me for days and makes me feel terrible. We are intimate, just not as much as he would like .. but I still think it’s way more than most couples each week. He mentions wanting to cheat on me . Some times I feel it’s a bit of manipulation to get what he wants from me … but then also start feeling depressed myself that I could possibly make someone so unhappy. I do so much for him and our family. i just don’t know how to deal with this constant fight anymore . I’ll try harder with our sex life but I can never keep it up. Between full time work, plus a second job, 4 kids and all their requirements . Keeping the house sorted . I’m tired. He doesn’t see it and just says I’m full of constant excuses . im not allowed to spend money on a cleaner as he believes the kids should help more .. which they do but never to a great standard . not sure what I’m asking for .. but can I be causing such a depression , I’m tired of being told this was never the relationship he wanted. Yet In the next breathe I’m the love of his life .

skiddyseeker Not sure how to cope and move past this
  • replies: 2

I'm not really sure if I'm writing this in the right section, but here i go. Roughly late February I found out my (now ex) boyfriend had been cheating on me for a few months. I confronted and broke up with him. But I still struggle with it, we got ba... View more

I'm not really sure if I'm writing this in the right section, but here i go. Roughly late February I found out my (now ex) boyfriend had been cheating on me for a few months. I confronted and broke up with him. But I still struggle with it, we got back into contact because I felt okay about it and I forgave him though I haven't forgotten. We've been in contact for maybe just over a month now but I still think of and miss him. I look forward to talking to him but I feel sad and broken when he doesn't answer my text or leaves in general. He usually initiates the convo as I try not to contact him as much as possible. We talk sometimes multiples times throughout the week. I wanna move on but it's so hard and I've been trying for ages. I've been wanting to talk to him about how I feel but I'm scared bc I don't want to look and feel stupid considering what he did. please help.

LeavesTea Struggling to Celebrate Success after a break-up
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone, Today should be a good day for me, I’ve just started a new job and over the weekend, I moved into a new house with a couple of friends, meaning we can isolate together! Instead, I’m feeling as bad as I have in a while, thinking about my ... View more

Hi everyone, Today should be a good day for me, I’ve just started a new job and over the weekend, I moved into a new house with a couple of friends, meaning we can isolate together! Instead, I’m feeling as bad as I have in a while, thinking about my past relationship which ended at the start of the year. It’s a feeling that’s come up a few times when I’m making positive advances in my life. Its like every change is taking me further away from my life with my previous partner, which I enjoyed so much. I know it’s a ridiculous thought to have, because I’m never going to be back there, but I’m having trouble convincing myself that. Could the kind people of this forum help me out? thanks

PsychedelicFur Ex Boyfriend has made me feel very ‘undesirable’
  • replies: 6

Hello there, If you haven’t seen my threads before - my ex boyfriend was/is a covert narcissist. I left him a little over six months, almost seven. When I was with him he constantly made me feel really ‘undesirable’ and ‘unsexy’ Typically he would no... View more

Hello there, If you haven’t seen my threads before - my ex boyfriend was/is a covert narcissist. I left him a little over six months, almost seven. When I was with him he constantly made me feel really ‘undesirable’ and ‘unsexy’ Typically he would not do anything, intimately, to satisfy me much. And very rarely if he did he would complain. However he would always tell me how sexy and hot other girls were when they wore white tops without bras, down the street. He was very observant with other people’s physical attributes. Mine, he ignored or disregarded. He would more so pick on my body and make me feel really truly ‘unsexy’ or unloved. It still affects me. I don’t crave him anymore. I haven’t craved him, not in a sexual way.. just being in his presences, since the first month I left him. I have not reached out to him and I don’t intend to. He cannot enrich or bring any value to my life. I have just looked back at old times and I feel disgusted in how I allowed him to treat me so badly. I just don’t have any interest in any sexual activity. I rarely feel ‘excited’ anymore. Is this a normal feeling after leaving a psychologically abusive relationship? I don’t know if this is just my body reacting to the trauma I went through. I just don’t have any interest in anything, intimately. I am not dating anyone and I have no intentions on dating anyone. Is my body dealing with something subconsciously, that is yet to be resolved? PF

ReeCar123 Boundaries, Needs and Never a Priority
  • replies: 1

Dear All, I have been with my partner for three years. We had several on and off episodes because he was not able to move on from leaving his marriage with a manipulative, alcoholic wife. I have been riddled with anxiety throughout most of our three ... View more

Dear All, I have been with my partner for three years. We had several on and off episodes because he was not able to move on from leaving his marriage with a manipulative, alcoholic wife. I have been riddled with anxiety throughout most of our three years because of the constant emotional turmoil on his end which caused turmoil for me. I never felt like I had a real chance to get into his heart. And although he sometimes said that there is love, he never says I love you. I struggle with that but have understood that he still needs to grieve. He only just finalised his legal separation. He also just sold the house, most property went to her. At the moment, since he has lost everything, he has a tough time and has taken the current lockdown to grieve. It's working and he says its productive, we don't have contact during that time. However, what triggered the grief work was that three weeks ago, I found two emails from Jan/May in which he wrote to his ex-wife telling her that he thinks of her a lot and in January he asked if, should he be in her state for work, could they meet. I believe him that he does not love her, that has been very apparent over the years. But he has a really unhealthy connection that he cannot let go - almost like a safety net because that is the only attachment type he knows (she neglected and didn't treat him well and that's what his parents did). I was heartbroken and felt very betrayed. I have given him so much. I have now done more work on myself, especially boundary setting and articulating my needs. I told him that, as often requested, I need him to tell his ex he is in a new relationship. He told me that he dreads telling her because he doesn't want to hurt her again after already leaving her. Like Stockholm syndrome. I told him it's very disrespectful to both of us to lie about me. He doesn't like the idea and I'm disappointed that he can't even do that for us. My question is, rather than me being adamant on my suggested option, is there a compromise that is good for both of us? I love him and we both want to be together but I am sick of giving in and feeling like an option rather than a choice. I worry a lot about having to give myself up. That's not healthy for me. How can we create equality? He says he wants to let the connection fade out, I can't trust him that he will not actively seek connection again. How do we compromise in this situation where my trust has been eroded and needs proof that I can trust him?

DairyQueen95 Living with In-laws.
  • replies: 7

Hi all, How do we all cope with living with in-laws that are different to you? I’m struggling coming to terms with this could be for the rest of my life if I choose to stay with my partner. I don’t think I can do that but don’t want to leave the pers... View more

Hi all, How do we all cope with living with in-laws that are different to you? I’m struggling coming to terms with this could be for the rest of my life if I choose to stay with my partner. I don’t think I can do that but don’t want to leave the person I love. I know someone like him is extremely rare to find but I’m feeling anxious, exhausted, depressed and worn down. Often my partner sides with the in-law and gets defensive when I mention the slightest thing about what I am struggling with. I cannot see this working long term. what do I do??