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Is it cheating?!

Community Member


Partner has been messaging a college of opposite gender on a social media platform and then deleting messages because he knows it’s upset me in the past. He says it’s so he can contact her for work stuff but it seems pretty odd to me. Still tells me he’s committed to our relationship and nothing to worry about. Am I silly to think something more is going on?

6 Replies 6

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Lasch10~

Welcome to the Forum, it's a good idea as you will get other people's views who have had similar experiences.

Frankly I think you do not have enough information to go on.

It may indeed be exactly as your partner says, however equally it may be a question of being over-frienldy and not wanting you to know.

So I think if it was me I'd explain to my partner that the secrecy is probably doing a lot of damage to your relationship -eroding away trust and upsetting you. As a result being completely honest would certainly help a lot.

If there is nothing to it then I can't see why he should not agree and allow you access to his phone without deleting things. Conversations with colleagues can be quite innocent.

If it is something else it's probably best you know about it early on and decide what you need ot do

What do you think?


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
I would revisit what was upsetting you in the past; was it
- the content of the messages,
- the gender or implication of 'social' media,
- evasiveness or guilt when discussed,
- some correlation to recent/existing feelings that prompted and perpetuated this view?
Your feelings are justified as only you know something doesn't feel right.
The tricky thing is ascertaining the source of that feeling without jumping to conclusions.
It may well be something else entirely that simply manifests itself in this particular instance.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Lasch,

Wellcome to our forums.

Im sorry this is happening.

I believe if your husband is having innocent conversations on social media he shouldn’t be afraid or feel the need for you not to see the messages.

If it’s causing you to worry then I think you really need to sit down with your husband and confront him about what’s happening and how it makes you feel.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Lasch, there seems to be a contradiction between what your partner is saying and what this other gender is saying.

If he contacts her on social media and then deletes what was said, there could be a problem, and although the girl he is contacting says that there is nothing going on, this may not be what your partner wants.

If there wasn't a problem then why does he have to delete what's said.

It's ok and it's done all the time, people talking to other people of the opposite gender, but when it's on social media and then deleted I'd keep an eye on what's happening.

Remember there could be 2 different thought patterns here, one where the girl says it's innocent, whereas your partner doesn't want you to know what's said.

Good luck.


Community Member

Hi Lasch10,

My best advice to you, is that if your gut feeling is telling you something isn't right, it's not....

It's hard, because we don't want to face what is/could be going on, as it hurts, a lot... I've been through this exact same scenario before (more than once)... I knew it in my gut that something was wrong, but I left it for a while, then things started becoming VERY clear, and I even caught my ex with his female co-worker, as he didn't come home from work one night.

I really hope the same thing is not happening to you.... but from what you have said, it seems pretty obvious, as he is intentionally deleting the messages to hide them from you. If he wasn't doing anything wrong, he would feel no need to hide the messages. It is also suspicious that they are messaging via social media and not in person during work hours, or via text. Why do they need to contact one another outside of work anyways?

Community Champion
Community Champion

Lasch welcome to the forums.
zThsnks for making your first post.

social media gives a chance to contact people in secret.
I think if we are open in who we contact on social media it is not a problem but if someone starts deleting or not telling the partner, it begs questions.