Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

[Scared_and_Confused]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 9 months. The first few weeks of getting together I can only describe as bliss, and I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I would get excited to see him. I couldn't stop smiling and everything that comes with being in a new relationship you really like and begin to really love.

After the first two weeks of officially getting together though, something happened. I was at work one day and in the morning I thought that I was really falling in love with him and it made me very happy to think. However later that day when things were quiet I started to question: "Is this really what love is?" "Is this love or lust?" "Is it wrong to think like this?" Then I couldn't get these questions off my mind. I resorted to Google at the time and read horrible things like 'If you're questioning love then you're not in love.' and I started to freak out. I started to talk to my Mum and she's been helping me through it all but nothing she says really sinks in, and I still have these thoughts and question why I am having these thoughts. For the first month I woke up early mornings and unable to sleep. I was somehow able to get through this in time.

My boyfriend knew something was up and he has been my rock and trying his best to support me through this too. However up until recently he said he cannot cope anymore because nothing is sinking in. 

I'm now really struggling with my thoughts. I'm waking up in the morning feeling sick again like I did a long time ago and it immediately makes me think about the relationship. My palms are always sweaty and my head is always feeling fuzzy. I have thoughts racing through my head every single day and I am always tired. 

I am on medication.

I'm upset and I can't relax and I cannot just accept that everything in my mind is anxiety. I keep trying but unable to switch off. I have been told by my councilor that I have sever anxiety (with ODC tendencies), and by my psych that I have Depression and going through something called anhedonia. 

My thoughts recently that I have to break up with him have been in my head and it's making me panic and cry all the time. My chest hurts, I cant breathe and sometimes feel like throwing up. I cant concentrate at work and have no motivation to do anything I used to enjoy doing. 

[PolarBear_-_]

Thank You Mariemarie , What you wrote will help me see things in a different way , i am helping my wife through a season of GAD she is very scared & I am limited in words to help her , but you have explained how it feels , its like I just took a blindfold off. Thank you again for your amazing words, all the best wishes to you.. thx from PB

[Anxiety__Anxious___Anxiou]

So many of these messages have resonated with me its quite overwhelming. I am going through this at the moment and it has been so difficult (but does give me piece of mind that my thoughts and feelings are completely normal).

I have been in the best relationship of my life for a little over two years. Everything was going really well, moved in together, planned our lives together, minimal fights, was part of his beautiful family (something that I have never had before and was quite foreign but comforting) until one day I came home and it was almost like a light switch - my feelings just turned off. I knew that this wasn't right because feelings just don't switch off. Mind you we were going through a bit if a rough patch in terms of finding the time to spend quality time and finding our new groove.

From then on it was a downwards spiral of "Do I love him?", "What if he's not the right person for me?", "Should we break up?", "What's wrong with me?", etc. I get an overwhelming feeling like I should break up with him because I don't love him anymore but when I think about actually going through with it, there's a part of me that really doesn't want to because I would be giving up my life style, my family with him and the future we planned together. I question myself, "Do I want to Break up because I don't love him anymore or because I want to escape this horrible anxious feeling and constant questioning?".

I'll have days where everything is fine, I spend the day with him and it was just like before - happy. simple. easy. But lately, it's just been days on end where I just feel like we should break up and have time apart because I don't want to do this anymore. It's as if there is no other option. I have this feeling that this may or may not happen in future relationships and if this were going to happen in future relationships that this relationship in particular was worth it to make it work. To fight for it. But the fight has left me mentally drained, tired, more anxious and questioning whether the fight is worth it anymore.

I have tried Yoga, Constant Mindfulness, Trips away with friends, spending more time with friends, working out as well and nothing seems to be helping me this time around. If anyone is still on this thread, I'd like some advice or even success stories.

I hope to hear from someone soon.

[MarkJT]

Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness, first off I would like to welcome you to the forums - a really caring and protective place so you have done the right thing coming and posting what is going on.

When we have a mental health condition, our thoughts get all scrambled up and left means right, up means down etc. Making big decisions whilst a bit scrambled can be really difficult as our thoughts are not what they should be.

I love how you have tried what you have as they are really good self care activities, however, have you seen a GP about your anxiety? The self care things you are doing are great but if you are not having the core reason why you have anxiety treated, you are only really putting a band aid on.

If you could let me know if you have not yet seen a GP, then we can take it from there.

Hope to hear back!

Mark.

[White_Rose]

Hello Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness

First let me say welcome to the forum. And second, I agree with everything Mark has said.

It seems to me that you are worrying about the future but without any grounds for even imagining it may happen. I know how depression or anxiety can turn your thinking upside down and cause you to wonder what you are doing.It really is the pits.

Getting overwhelmed by these thoughts is natural, we often have difficulty in managing the stress and fear on these occasions. It can very much feel like drowning and your instinct is to struggle to find a way to stop these painful thoughts and feelings. So one way to stop the thoughts is to break up with your partner. It's a pretty drastic solution for what may well be a small problem, but we get so overwhelmed as I said, that it seems logical to get as far away from the situation s possible. Then we can relax and not worry about it.

Sadly this will not happen. Once you have parted you will still have anxious thoughts. "Did I do the right thing. Can we get together again. I will never have a permanent relationship." It makes more sense I feel to find out why you are having these thoughts. You said you suddenly changed your mind, but was there any hint beforehand that even hinted at parting? I suspect not and I agree, you don't fall out of love in an instant.

You have told us how much you enjoy being with his family as you have never experienced this before and you found it comforting. It is great to have a family life where people are not afraid to be with each, laugh and talk without any restrictions.

I wonder if you are afraid that this happy life you have will end one day and you will be left out in the cold. I don't know but I have seen it before. So go and see your GP. Copy and print your post and take it with you. When you book the appointment ask for a long one. You will need more time to tell your story. Tell your GP what is happening, or give it to him/her to read. It may be the easiest way.

I do not know what the GP will say, but I think it will be helpful. Perhaps you can go to some counselling sessions and dig a bit deeper into your life. Whatever it is try and go along with it, and stay with your BF in the meantime. Keep writing here and let us know what is happening.

Mary

[Anxiety__Anxious___Anxiou]

Hi Mark and White Rose

Thank you both for your reply. I have seen a GP but only to get referrals to see a clinical psychologist. I have been to a few sessions but I feel like lately, they haven't been helping. I went to the GP yesterday and they said for me to look into SSRI's.

Since writing my original post, I feel like all I want to do is break up, move out and move on and that the only reason I am staying around is because I don't want to leave the comfortable lifestyle or leave behind a great family. I question myself, "How long can you stay in a relationship where you don't feel that strong connection?", and I feel my answer is not long. But in saying that, I know that anxiety clouds your feelings; almost like a wet blanket. I challenge these thoughts but I don't believe myself.

In my last relationship there were a lot of lows which made the highs very high. We would fight like crazy and he would also choose to hang out with his mates instead of me - but the rare moments when we weren't fighting and he did choose me, it was blissful. This went on for 5 years and was my first "real" relationship. It was a very unstable relationship. In my current relationship, he is consistent and stable. I am always the choice and I always come first with his family. Again, I question myself, "Is it because i'm not getting those extreme highs that I used to get in my previous relationship, that I feel like my current bf and I don't have a connection?". All i can think about when he's around, or even when he's not, is that I want to break up. It's been the healthiest relationship I have ever been in (with its natural rough patches and compromise) and I just have a feeling that I would regret it.

I feel like I am stuck in the mud and unable to change my thinking pattern. I think I have decided to spend the rest of the week apart to try escape my anxiety and have a break from the relationship. At this stage, I feel like it is the only think I can do. If i do not get relief soon, I feel like i will burst.

Any continuing advice would be extremely helpful.

Thank you again.

[White_Rose]

Hello Triple A

I see from your first post how much the words from Emily resonated with you. Which means of course you are not the only person who thinks like this.

When are you going to see the psychologist? I hope you have an appointment soon. While it may take a little while to find out what is happening inside you it will be worthwhile.

Your comments about your previous relationship show what a poor role model you had with your BF. What he was doing was something similar to domestic violence. Wife gets abused, physically, mentally or emotionally and becomes unhappy and scared. Husband tries to make it up to her, vows he will never do this again and all is well. Often more than well which is where you had those high points.

Then he reverts to his usual behaviour and it all starts again. The wife tries to leave but has become so dependent on him that she cannot managed alone and returns to the abusive partner because at least she has somewhere to live and someone to make the decisions for her. And she is abused again. It takes a long while for these women to really believe they are worthwhile and have the courage and strength to leave for good.

Your current BF is not like this. You have mentioned several spats or arguments with the BF. Can you remember how they started and who started them. I wonder how much you still believe what your ex said about you and you still feel this way. I know some people provoke an argument in order to enjoy making up.

Most relationships start in a glow of happiness, both exploring the relationship, making plans etc. This is called the honeymoon period where you are lost in love and so happy. As in all friendships this life levels out to general contentment. It sounds as if you have reached this level and now miss the original excitement. Humans are not able to keep up that level of excitement all the time, it can be tiring.

So you feel disappointed at times and then argue with him over any trivial matter hoping it will lead to the excitement you once had. Abusive spouses keep their partners because of this. It's a huge roller coaster ride with thrills galore. Who wants it to stop?

I suggest you make an appointment with the psych ASAP and really open up and tell him/her what is happening in your life. The psych will will be able to help you manage your feelings and see what it is you need. Please stay with the BF at least until you have had several sessions with the psych. Leaving too soon will sabotage your therapy.

Mary

[Anxiety__Anxious___Anxiou]

Hi Mary,

I really appreciate your replies. I had a psych appointment yesterday and by the end of it i felt pretty good but as soon as I left to go home it was a slippery downwards spiral and I could not get a grip. I have now had a total of 6 sessions. I didn't sleep last night - the first thing I would think about before I even realised I was awake was "I have to go".

My current partner and I don't fight. We've never had an explosive argument, we've never stormed off or gone to bed angry at each other or ever been disrespectful to each other. We have periods where we get a little flat and get stuck in a routine of staying in and watching tv for weeks on end. Which is when the anxiety started (in one of these patches).

I feel like we haven't figured out where it is stemming from but more providing methods on how to stop these thoughts from snowballing. I feel like these methods no longer work for me. These thoughts feel like reality to me and I can't tell what is an anxious thought and what is a real thought because it all seems rational! It all makes sense in my head. I'm feeling helpless and beat down from the fight. Really demotivated at the moment.

Triple A

[White_Rose]

Hello Triple A

Thanks for post and for explaining how you and your BF get. It sounds like an ordinary relationship with the usual ups and downs.

Have you made an appointment to see a psychologist? I hope this happens soon as I believe you will find answers to your doubts. In the meantime can you try meditation. I know you have tried similar activities but meditation is different. Part of the process is the commitment to meditating every day and of course the practice will help calm the inner turmoil we all experience.

When you find yourself obsessing about leaving/not leaving and all the associated thoughts, can you make a conscious effort to think of something else then go and do it. It's not easy and you will find you have these thoughts without realising it. Once you realise what is happening is when you change thoughts. No beating yourself up because you are overthinking. Accept this happens and move on to something more rewarding.

For this to be successful you need to have a list of topics to think about and activities to do. What do you like doing? If you are cranky go and weed the garden, or clean the stove. These are my least favourite jobs but using the energy I tackle things like stoves. What about craft, painting, making clothes? A friend of mine said she read because she could get immersed in it. Walking or any kind of exercise is great and this can lift your mood.

Do you have friends with young children? Make a date to meet at a park and play with the children or watch while talking to your friend.

Make a list. You need to have the distraction readily available rather than wondering what to do. I have my list on my fridge door although these days I know what to do. This kind of diversion will get you off the worry treadmill and into a space where you can think clearly. No it won't happen immediately though I think the first time will be a revelation on how to make your brain work for you instead of against you.

It takes effort and commitment, which is where meditation shows the way. The reward in terms being more at peace with yourself is absolutely worthwhile.

Mary

[Maui757]

Hi Triple A, and anyone else reading these threads like me.

What you've said, and this entire thread, has really resonated with me. I too have these horrible, anxious thoughts that create doubt in my mind and cause me to freak out. I've been in a relationship for just over 4 years now, and my boyfriend is amazing. We've been through a lot, with my depression and anxiety hitting their lowest just after we started going out. But we've worked our way up and I can honestly say I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my boyfriend.

Yet without a doubt, for the past year or two my anxiety will randomly appear one day and say "Oh hey, have you ever considered you don't actually love him?" and so it begins. The first time I ever had these thoughts, I was in a constant panic attack for a week. I was lucky in that I was seeing my psych regularly, and I also have an amazing friend who understands depression and anxiety, and they helped me to slowly decipher when this anxiety was creeping into my thoughts. I had to learn to decipher what was anxiety, and what was real.

This was incredibly hard, as when the anxiety steps in, it shuts off ALL my emotions, so I no longer feel love, or happiness, or even sad, just nothing. I'm a very logical person, so I need reason behind everything. Once I understand why something is happening, then I can deal with it. So to have no reasoning behind these thoughts, I was not coping.

It's taken years, but eventually I reasoned that the fact I was worrying about possibly not loving my boyfriend (thanks to those anxious thoughts that pop up) was proof in itself that I love him. I also learnt that when those anxious moods hit, my thoughts aren't "real". My emotions aren't "real". Don't get me wrong, I still suffer all the panic attacks that come with those thoughts, and those thoughts still come. But I've learnt from my experiences that the thoughts will eventually go, and the trick is to try my hardest not to focus on them. I can't stop them yet, but I am beginning to be able to ignore them, knowing that I will eventually wake up and feel ok.

It is really, really hard, but I just wanted anyone else reading this to know those thoughts aren't always true. You're not the only one who has them, and I am so relieved to know I'm not the only one who thinks this stuff. And for the record, my relationship is better than ever and I secretly hope to marry this man one day ,even if my anxiety says otherwise! 🙂

Maui

[Anxiety__Anxious___Anxiou]

Hi Maui,

Thank you for your message. I was having a really hard day today so I thought I'd come back to check on this post and your message has given me hope. Hope that it does get better and that it doesn't necessarily take days to get better but it may take longer... BUT, it will eventually get better. I feel like I am the exact same - A logical person that needs to know why something is happening and if I don't have a reason, I wont understand it and therefore I can't cope. Can I ask, how you started to move forward?

I've been having endless days of 'It hasn't gone away yet, so therefore there must be something wrong with the relationship" or nit picking every little thing I don't like and almost making it a problem for myself. I feel like I catastophize EVERYTHING - "I didn't think about him a lot today", I must not love him anymore. "I didn't think that joke was very funny", I must not enjoy his humour anymore. It's exhausting. I'll have days on end where I keep thinking that this relationship is boring and that we don't do enough or "experience life" enough. But perhaps that is just my anxiety putting a damp cloth on everything I do. I'll have days where I want to break up to get away from this "bad" relationship, but really there is nothing majorly wrong and perhaps I just want to break up with this anxious feeling attached to my relationship.

What probably doesn't help is that I have also been diagnosed with PCOS. I have been advised to start eating right and exercising more regularly which may also assist with my symptoms of anxiety.

I really hope to see an improvement soon. Thank you again Maui for sharing your story and for giving me hope.

Triple A