Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

[Scared_and_Confused]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 9 months. The first few weeks of getting together I can only describe as bliss, and I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I would get excited to see him. I couldn't stop smiling and everything that comes with being in a new relationship you really like and begin to really love.

After the first two weeks of officially getting together though, something happened. I was at work one day and in the morning I thought that I was really falling in love with him and it made me very happy to think. However later that day when things were quiet I started to question: "Is this really what love is?" "Is this love or lust?" "Is it wrong to think like this?" Then I couldn't get these questions off my mind. I resorted to Google at the time and read horrible things like 'If you're questioning love then you're not in love.' and I started to freak out. I started to talk to my Mum and she's been helping me through it all but nothing she says really sinks in, and I still have these thoughts and question why I am having these thoughts. For the first month I woke up early mornings and unable to sleep. I was somehow able to get through this in time.

My boyfriend knew something was up and he has been my rock and trying his best to support me through this too. However up until recently he said he cannot cope anymore because nothing is sinking in. 

I'm now really struggling with my thoughts. I'm waking up in the morning feeling sick again like I did a long time ago and it immediately makes me think about the relationship. My palms are always sweaty and my head is always feeling fuzzy. I have thoughts racing through my head every single day and I am always tired. 

I am on medication.

I'm upset and I can't relax and I cannot just accept that everything in my mind is anxiety. I keep trying but unable to switch off. I have been told by my councilor that I have sever anxiety (with ODC tendencies), and by my psych that I have Depression and going through something called anhedonia. 

My thoughts recently that I have to break up with him have been in my head and it's making me panic and cry all the time. My chest hurts, I cant breathe and sometimes feel like throwing up. I cant concentrate at work and have no motivation to do anything I used to enjoy doing. 

[Scared_and_Confused]

Hello everyone

It's been quite a while now since I made my original post and I am sorry for abandoning it and those who are/were trying to seek answers as I was. I am here to post an update, but please remember that not everyone's experiences are the same and what might have worked for me might not work for you.

When I was at this point of my life, I truly struggled and never thought it would end. I had dark thoughts, therapy didn't seem to work for me and all I wanted to do was hide away from everyone. I regret to say that I caved into my intrusive thoughts, and I split up with my boyfriend because of the anxiety. I was absolutely devastated but I felt like I was at breaking point and I felt like I didn't have a choice if I wanted to feel normal again. He was also understandably upset but he understood the reasoning.

We did not go No-Contact as you would expect after a breakup. We stayed in touch and still visited each other. I worked on myself to heal and rest, and also exercised mindfulness as best I could (I wasn't very good at it) to feel like myself again. After allowing myself time to rest from the intrusive thoughts and the stress, I came to the realization that I DO in-fact, LOVE this man. I wasn't able to separate myself from him, I still wanted to be the first and last person he spoke to each day and be with him everyday, and I always wanted to be a part of what he was doing. He also made the effort to stick around for me and waited for me. He was always there for me everyday regardless of the situation.

It's also worth noting that due to breaking up for that period of time, the extreme stress cloud I was feeling was slowly subsiding which allowed me to feel those flutters of butterflies again that I felt like I was missing. That feeling of love like before

Once I felt confident and sure that I was in a better head space, I asked him if he would be my partner once again, and he agreed.

Granted, the anxiety did try to pop some intrusive thoughts in there from time to time, but I always reminded myself that it was the anxiety talking and not my true thoughts or feelings. That I have been through this before and it was wrong. Slowly but surely, the intrusive thoughts would pass and become somewhat non-existent.

My boyfriend/partner are still together now to this day, after all this time. We are both happy and comfortable and love each other very much.

I still struggle with anxiety to this day, but its no longer fixated on the relationship.

[geoff]

Hello Scared and Confused, thanks for posting once again and pleased that your relationship has picked up again.

With intrusive thoughts, they do definitely worry the person because they seem to control what they don't want to do but continually harass the person, the best part is that don't ever seem to happen.

It's great to know that the two of you love each other and hope that any anxiety will take this as a learning experience.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Scared_and_Confused]

I will say once again, my experience is my own.

Everyone's journey & relationship is different and if you are experiencing a similar story to mine, I highly suggest exhausting all options before ending the relationship like I did. There are no guarantees once the relationship is broken up. I feel extremely lucky and grateful that my partner still decided to stick with me despite the break up and was there for me every step of the way - he waited for me - and we are much stronger & happier today for it.

Please take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. I understand all too well the fear that comes with these sorts of thoughts and how debilitating they are. Truly. Seek help, find yourself a support person that you can turn to and lean on and look after yourself.

Here are some things I did to help myself:

• As tempting as it is, keep away from forum posts seeking answers. It only adds fuel to the flame of anxiety that grips you. Anxiety will generate fear and doubt and depression will make you feel hopeless. You could find a plethora of really good and helpful advice online, but reading just one negative sentence regarding the topic of your stress can cause you to spiral.

• Talking with close friends that you trust and your support person/s.
• Distractions - Playing low stress games, watching movies or TV shows to pull your attention away from the thoughts for a while to give yourself a break.
• Don't fight the thoughts, let them pass through.
• Maintain your self care - Brush your teeth, drink lots of water, shower, eat healthy food, exercise (Just Dance games, honestly so fun and gets you moving), don't isolate yourself, and get as much of a decent sleep as possible.

There are definitely many other things you can also do, these ones personally helped me the most due to my personality & lifestyle.

This will be my last post on the matter. I actually intended on trying to remove this thread as I wanted to forget about ever creating it at all (which will explain my absence)... But now seeing how many people actually struggle with this same topic and are also finding support here, I cannot take that away.

Take care everyone, hang in there.

[Polar_Mint]

Reading some of these posts has brought me some comfort and I have felt all of the same things.

The feelings of not wanting to be with my boyfriend hit me like a ton of bricks and has left me feeling confused and a little bit distraught.

We had decided to move in together which i'm thinking may have been a trigger due to a messy end of a previous relationship but I can't seem to stop convincing myself that it has nothing to do with that or anything else and that maybe I simply don't want to be with him.....but then I spend hours arguing with myself that i do and spend hours googling if this is normal because it doesn't feel normal.

3 days ago I was so in love with him and stared at him like he is the best human being on this planet...now I'm here fighting back tears.

I am feeling very overwhelmed and emotional. If anything It has made me feel a little bit better writing the words down because all I've been doing is spiraling in my own head and making matters worse.

This is the worst anxiety I have ever experienced and I am hating every second.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Polar Mint, 

We are sorry to hear that things are so confusing in your relationship right now. We understand this must be so overwhelming and stressful, so we want to remind you that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 who provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities.

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.