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I can’t forgive myself for things I have done in the past

Community Member

Hello to anyone who reads this, I hope everyone is okay.

Back in 2016 I left my future wife for someone else who I’m no longer with. Since then my life has been somewhat a demolition in my own mind. We had everything we could want in a relationship we shared some amazing memories overseas and here in Aus. She was originally from England and we did 1 year long distance which I really enjoyed being able to Skype with her everyday and learn what love was about without physical interaction.

My whole family loved her as she had a warm homely feeling about her. She was a very unique person.

It’s now 6 years since we broke up and I’m still feeling terrible and I haven’t been able to love someone as much as I did her. Every time I meet someone new now that could potentially be a partner I stop myself because I don’t feel I deserve anyone because of what happened in the past.

I feel disgusting as a human being and feel now that nothing means anything to me.

I’ve always had issues growing up with low self esteem and anxiety and now it just keeps getting worse.

Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation or could help me?

4 Replies 4

Community Champion
Community Champion

hello and welcome.

I have not been in the same situation as you but you for the reasons you might think.

it sounds to me as though you feel that what happened in the past might happen again? If I am wrong please let me know. Or is it that you compare the person you are wish to that person from years ago? I am just trying to work it out.

So... you made a mistake a few ago. And it sounds as though you are still feeling bad because of it. I have been told that a mistake is an opportunity for learning. From this perspective, what you learn and how might you apply that. You are not a bad person. What you feeling might be guilt? This means you are human.

If you feel it is impacting on you and relationships you always to a professional about it and work out ways to move forward.

Try to be a little kind to yourself. You should not have to punish yourself for the rest of your life because of one mistake - because you are worth it.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Jay89,

I’m sorry to hear about the breakdown of your marriage and your subsequent struggles. May I ask what the circumstances were surrounding your affair and desire to leave? I hope I’m not overstepping a boundary but I just wanted to get an idea of whether things with your wife were really good and it was a moment of madness, or whether you are perhaps idealizing your marriage and wife because you miss her. I think it’s quite human to get caught up in the moment with little care or regard for our partner’s feelings, only to have deep regrets later on that we have ever hurt that person. Have you ever tried to make amends with your ex-wife? I’m not sure whether you have any contact with her but I know that is something that I would appreciate. From her perspective, she must have felt like she had been tossed aside or discarded the second that someone better came along, so it would probably be nice to know that isn’t the case. That being said, I suppose you have to be prepared that she may still harbor quite a lot of resentment towards you. I think that you can beat yourself up endlessly about this but what will that really achieve? The best that you can do is try and make amends and move on with your life and try and do better in future. You may have concerns that you might do something like this again in future but I would say that your previous experience has likely been enough of a deterrent.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Jay,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing your story.

I know it is soo hard to let go of the past but eventually, we have to. We all make mistakes, we are human. We are made to fail and do the wrong things. It is normal and we have to realise that.

I have struggled with my past for a long time, but I know it made me, me. Your experiences shape who you are today. We have to learn from our lessons and not repeat the same mistake for the next person.

You may think you are a horrible person, but I don't. I think you are a normal human being who has made a mistake. You deserve someone who will love you and you deserve the good in life. Don't hold on to your past.

Stay safe and i am always here to chat.

Community Member

I’ve closed myself off to other people. I’m not necessarily scared I think it will happen again I just had never loved someone as much as I did my ex.

I keep reassuring myself that I’ve made a mistake and the only way we learn is from making mistakes but then my mind drifts off and I start deeply thinking about her again. I’ve wanted to contact her but I now know she is engaged and has a baby and the last person she would want to hear from is me.

I was always taught to respect people and I always thought I would have been married with children by the age of 25-26. I feel as though my life has no meaning