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Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Community Member

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 9 months. The first few weeks of getting together I can only describe as bliss, and I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I would get excited to see him. I couldn't stop smiling and everything that comes with being in a new relationship you really like and begin to really love.

After the first two weeks of officially getting together though, something happened. I was at work one day and in the morning I thought that I was really falling in love with him and it made me very happy to think. However later that day when things were quiet I started to question: "Is this really what love is?" "Is this love or lust?" "Is it wrong to think like this?" Then I couldn't get these questions off my mind. I resorted to Google at the time and read horrible things like 'If you're questioning love then you're not in love.' and I started to freak out. I started to talk to my Mum and she's been helping me through it all but nothing she says really sinks in, and I still have these thoughts and question why I am having these thoughts. For the first month I woke up early mornings and unable to sleep. I was somehow able to get through this in time.

My boyfriend knew something was up and he has been my rock and trying his best to support me through this too. However up until recently he said he cannot cope anymore because nothing is sinking in. 

I'm now really struggling with my thoughts. I'm waking up in the morning feeling sick again like I did a long time ago and it immediately makes me think about the relationship. My palms are always sweaty and my head is always feeling fuzzy. I have thoughts racing through my head every single day and I am always tired. 

I am on medication.

I'm upset and I can't relax and I cannot just accept that everything in my mind is anxiety. I keep trying but unable to switch off. I have been told by my councilor that I have sever anxiety (with ODC tendencies), and by my psych that I have Depression and going through something called anhedonia. 

My thoughts recently that I have to break up with him have been in my head and it's making me panic and cry all the time. My chest hurts, I cant breathe and sometimes feel like throwing up. I cant concentrate at work and have no motivation to do anything I used to enjoy doing. 

94 Replies 94

Community Member
Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you are feeling and your condition?

Yes, he knows basically everything since the beginning. He reassured me that I could talk to him as much as I needed as he knows what it's like having depression and anxiety. However I have leaned on him too much that he has told me that he needs a break from my anxiety.

We are still talking like normal. I'm doing the best I can to not talk to him about my thoughts and it is actually tough because he has been through all of this with me so far. 

I think the first thing is to look after yourself and get yourself well again. I felt very alone when I had anxiety and depression. I basically had to take control of my situation and fix it myself. For me, no one cared, no one else was interested, no one really understood.

It's tough for some one who has a partner anxiety. Men like to fix things and it sounds like he's getting frustrated that he can't 'fix' you. Have you tried talking to a counselor? I found a wonderful doctor on this site. Fix you first then every else will follow

I've tried talking to a counselor but I just feel like I'm being told the same thing over and over. Bless the lady she tries to help me by saying that my thoughts are all normal, and showing me breathing exercises but I want to know why I'm having thoughts that cause me so much distress.

The thoughts snowballed from the beginning. It went from "Do I love him? How do I know for sure?" to now "I know I love him, I know I don't want to lose him and cant be without him but why am I thinking that I should or want to break up?" - This thought now makes me cry and I begin to feel tight chested, fuzzy head, feeling sick to the stomach and a lump in my throat. 

Every time I had been with him and talk to him, I would always cry because I didn't know how to stop these "do i love him" thoughts and knew they weren't true. There have been many times where he seemed like he would break up with me and I would just freak out and cry more, because I am scared to lose him and not being able to be with him. 

From the beginning I always thought that having these thoughts were wrong, and that they meant something. But I was so happy and in love with my boyfriend and I became scared of my thoughts. 

There have also been moments where I feel a burst of warmth and I know everything will be okay, and that everything I am going through is anxiety. I could be with him laying in his arms and think to myself that 'this is where I belong.' I also have visions of the future with him in it and I smile. Sometimes I just feel good and I tell him at that moment that I'm feeling really good. 

Unfortunately they don't last long because of my thoughts.

I know I love him, he is an amazing person and we have so much in common. We listens to me, we laugh together, enjoy each others company and he makes me feel safe. I love falling asleep and waking up next to him. There is so many things. I just wish I knew how to get past this anxiety so I can give more to the relationship and be my happy self again like I was before these thoughts even started.

 I know none of this is happening because of him. He hasn't done a thing to make me think otherwise.

Hi Sad and Confused

Firstly, I would say that when we are feeling anxiety we automatically exaggerate small problems and even invent problems that arn't there, so it would make sense that you do everything you can to try to reduce the anxiety first. 

Secondly your distressing thoughts may be an unconscious fear of being alone. If you know in your heart of hearts that no matter what happens with your relationship you will be ok (which you absolutely will be) then this may help. 

 You do not have to make any decisions, just trust that 'what will be will be' and go with it. 

Hope this helps a bit X

Community Member

Hey there,

I am so, so sorry to hear about this stressful time you are going through. I don't know if I'm gonna be much in help in telling u what I have to say, but, you are not alone. In fact, I'm going through the very same thing. Thoughts and voices in my head would try and convince me, after 6 years of dating my girlfriend (who is my everything), that I didn't love her, that I'm not attracted to her. A voice would tell me This obviously means it isn't working anymore... you should break up with her, but I knew this was never the right thing to do, coz every time breaking up occurred to me, I'd simply cry and experience mini panic attacks. It'd get so crazy that sometimes if I saw another girl I knew that I found attractive, my mind would hurriedly convince me that I'm falling for that person, and therefore falling out of love with my girlfriend.

These thoughts can get pretty scary and possessive, I know.. and when these thoughts aren't coursing through our brains (which is rare) we seem to realise wow, none of that stuff I was panicking about is true, of course I love her, of course I'm attracted to her, OF COURSE I'm not falling for the other girl. That's for me anyways.. And every time I experience these moments of clarity, I tell myself, it's your anxiety, don't believe what it has to tell u. But I know exactly what u mean by it being hard to simply flick a switch on the things your brain thinks up.

I am really sorry that I can't offer any advice to u about how to help this situation, I definitely know how dark and stressful it can all get.

Hang in there,

you are not alone.



Hi Feelinblu,

I'm not sure what the fear is. However I know for certain that I don't want to lose him because of my anxiety. The day I thought about breaking up at first, I thought maybe it would be better off for him even though I knew that I would not be happy with it and wouldn't cope well at all. I feel so terrible to put him through my troubles and thought it would be best for him, not so much for me.

I spoke to someone yesterday that went through the same thing and has gotten through this particular type of anxiety. I explained to her how I feel when these thoughts happen, the panic attacks, the pain I feel and she could also see how upset I was just talking about it.

She said that she can clearly see that I love him or else none of this would be effecting me like it has been. That I have to keep fighting. That sometimes these thoughts seem real but that is what the disease does to us.

She and others I have spoken to believe it was my previous relationship. That I never had closure. Even if I was the one to end it. That I was emotionally and mentally abused for 5 years.

My last relationship was my first and lasted 5 years. He was very controlling however I never really realized. Anytime I felt happy in the relationship, he would come out and say everything was wrong and I was doing something bad which I didn't know was wrong. I always did the best I can to 'fix' things. But whenever I would start to feel happy again, something was wrong. He never really spoke nice to me. We only saw each other on the weekends. He basically made me feel like an option - that I was there whenever he wanted. 

I came to him two months before the split and for the first time I said I was unhappy and things needed to change. He did okay for two weeks before again turning it on me, making me feel like I had to fix it again.

I ended up breaking up with him but he kept sticking around and always would say I made the wrong choice, and would make me feel so guilty and making sure i knew HOW HURT AND ANGRY he was. He stopped talking to me after I got together with my current boyfriend.

The time between these relationships would have been about 6 months, but I couldn't help but feel the way I did about my current boyfriend and felt ready to be with him, that's how happy I was. I know that if I wasn't ready I would have kept waiting.

Hi Smithsons,

 I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this too. 

I get those moments of clarity too, and I think the same thing that this is all only just anxiety and i'm so stressed out - but everything will be okay. But it still doesn't stop the thoughts coming. 

I love my boyfriend so much. I know I don't want to lose him. Even with the thoughts sometimes like 'I don't love him' or 'break up' I can just feel everything in myself disagreeing with the thoughts, that I KNOW that's not what I want or feel, and I cry because I become confused.

I sometimes get scared that it isn't the anxiety talking or generating these thoughts. Sometimes I think "What if these thoughts are true and i'm anxious because i'm trying to tell myself they're not true?" but I feel that if I really didn't love him, I would know and I would walk away (like i did in my previous relationship). That if I wanted to break up, that I would break up. I wouldn't be going through any of this.

I feel that if these thoughts were real, then I wouldn't have such a fuzzy head that feels like its going to explode, that I wouldn't be going through all these panic attacks and crying so much and feeling my chest hurt as much as it does.  

Believe me I know how distressing these thoughts can be. But like me it also sounds as though you are very hard on yourself. You use terms such as needing 'to fix it' and 'being terrible to put him through my troubles'

Herein probably lies the problem. It is not him or your relationship that you need to worry about, but focus on you, what you need right now.

If you are down and anxious then your boyfriend needs to accept that and support you. Don't feel guilty about it, he has to accept all of you good and bad. If you need to talk through it with him for hours then so be it. If he can't accept that, it is his problem not yours. He will respect you more if you you respect yourself first. 

Please believe me when I say you are much stronger than you think. Do nice things for yourself that make you feel good about yourself. 

Take care X