Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

[Scared_and_Confused]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 9 months. The first few weeks of getting together I can only describe as bliss, and I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I would get excited to see him. I couldn't stop smiling and everything that comes with being in a new relationship you really like and begin to really love.

After the first two weeks of officially getting together though, something happened. I was at work one day and in the morning I thought that I was really falling in love with him and it made me very happy to think. However later that day when things were quiet I started to question: "Is this really what love is?" "Is this love or lust?" "Is it wrong to think like this?" Then I couldn't get these questions off my mind. I resorted to Google at the time and read horrible things like 'If you're questioning love then you're not in love.' and I started to freak out. I started to talk to my Mum and she's been helping me through it all but nothing she says really sinks in, and I still have these thoughts and question why I am having these thoughts. For the first month I woke up early mornings and unable to sleep. I was somehow able to get through this in time.

My boyfriend knew something was up and he has been my rock and trying his best to support me through this too. However up until recently he said he cannot cope anymore because nothing is sinking in. 

I'm now really struggling with my thoughts. I'm waking up in the morning feeling sick again like I did a long time ago and it immediately makes me think about the relationship. My palms are always sweaty and my head is always feeling fuzzy. I have thoughts racing through my head every single day and I am always tired. 

I am on medication.

I'm upset and I can't relax and I cannot just accept that everything in my mind is anxiety. I keep trying but unable to switch off. I have been told by my councilor that I have sever anxiety (with ODC tendencies), and by my psych that I have Depression and going through something called anhedonia. 

My thoughts recently that I have to break up with him have been in my head and it's making me panic and cry all the time. My chest hurts, I cant breathe and sometimes feel like throwing up. I cant concentrate at work and have no motivation to do anything I used to enjoy doing. 

[Yaj]

Hi everyone,

ive been in a relationship now for a couple of years haven’t been feeling myself for almost 5 months now. This is my first ever relationship. I started over thinking heaps do I love him? Should I care more? What if one day I get sick of him? Scared to go on holidays? Scared of our future.. what if one day I stop loving him when we have kids? Everyone talks about weddings and how exited they are and I get scared thinking about my own is that because of him? I’d constantly have all these negative thoughts running through my mind which made me think this isn’t right don’t be with him? People shouldn’t need to over think their relationship (what I’ve been told)? He is perfect to me we had a great relationship before I started feeling like this which scares me thinking I’m not good enough and makes me beat myself up because I keep asking myself what is wrong with me I shouldn’t be thinking like this? And then I feel guilty because I feel like I’m wasting his time.

I’ve tried everything.. physc, meditation, healers, even seen a medium (I know people don’t believe in these things) but I was searching for answers trying to pin point WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? One week I’m fine the next I’m crying and can’t deal with this anymore and I get so low and constantly have this heavy feeling on my chest. I’ve been open with my partner with my thoughts and his been so supportive and has said that he knows I’m going through something and he isn’t the reason because he knows by the way I look at him and do things for him that I still love him. I just don’t know what to try and do anymore. I’ve been trying to read books or trying to better myself but I get scared? Like maybe if I read something I’ll end up leaving him..

I feel a bit better coming across this forum knowing people are going through similar situations which gives me hope that I’m going through something myself and it will all go by and I’ll be back to normal but then I get scared thinking that I’ll fall in this darkness again later on in the future when I’m with him.

[Maui757]

Hi Yaj,

It's great you have a supportive partner who understands what you're going through - That can make a huge difference.

I understand what you mean though about all your worries and fears - I get the exact same feeling and it's gut wrenching. The idea of losing what I have with my partner is terrifying at best. I can't say for sure if what you're feeling is just anxiety, or if there's something deeper there. But what I remind myself of is, if I really didn't want to be with my partner anymore, surely it wouldn't cause me so much anxiety?

I'm not afraid of being single, and I know I could get through a break-up if it were to happen. So I'm left with the conclusion that even though my brain tells me "you're falling out of love with him! Panic!!!", it's just fueling on the fact that it knows I'll panic about it. I feel like my anxiety is this monster that picks on the most important things in my life. Things that would have the biggest impact on me. And then it goes "Hey, what if you screwed that up? What if that ended? What if this happened?" and then it just sits there and watches me go into a state of something close to insanity. It can last weeks, even months for me.

However, I recently got a new outlook on my anxiety. Something from 'The Happiness Trap'. Basically it explained that my brain is functioning as it would when it was in the cavemen times - It tries its hardest to detect danger and then activates my warning system, or fight or flight system, which brings on the physical aspects of anxiety. So the way I try to look at it now is, my anxiety is this little thing in my brain that is running around trying to warn me of anything that could potentially hurt me, but it's on overdrive. Like it's trying REALLY hard to do a good job, and then wonders why I get so angry at it afterwards.

Looking at it like that has helped me to feel a little better, and to understand that my anxious thoughts aren't always real. Is that person thinking I look like crap today? Maybe, but they aren't going to hurt me. Am I falling out of love with my partner? It's a possibility, but I don't think so given how much he means to me. It's just warning me, saying "hey, you could get hurt if that went wrong".

I hope this helps you somehow! Just remember anxiety isn't always rational, but it's trying to help in some way or form!

Maui

[Yaj]

Thank you for responding so quickly I’ll be trying your tips and see how I go.

Its just so hard because I keep thinking am I going through this because I should let him go? And am I scared to do so? Or am I physically going through something.. I get so mixed up with the two and it makes me break down.

but in general I’m scared with everything for example reading alone, watching tv shows, thinking about my future, hanging out with friends because i feel like I’ll have a crap time and start crying. I also see other couples and think to myself wait is that what being in love should be like? Am I in love? If I’m over thinking all this now should I leave him incase I marry him and I get like this again? I over think everything.

Do we always blame the ones we care about most? I don’t know why my mind keeps blaming him for the way I’m feeling but I’ve held on for so long now which makes me think hold on I do care but then my mind says no no you feel sorry for him...

[Maui757]

Hi Yaj,

It sounds like you've got a heap of general anxiety as it is! Again, I can't say whether that's what's causing all the issues you're feeling towards your partner. But I do know that when my anxiety gets really bad it starts to turn towards my relationship with my partner.

I find if I can calm the anxiety in general (like work on other things that are making me anxious) it allows me to calm down enough to reassess the relationship stuff. So far, every time I've done that I've realised my relationship is fine. It takes a LOT of work though.

I also overthink EVERYTHING, and it's exhausting. Did that text sound angry? Did I do something to annoy them? Why did my boss ask my colleague to do that task and not me? Am I not good enough at my job? Am I being replaced? My anxiety is everywhere, all the time. So I really get what you're going through with that.

All I can advise is, try to get your general anxiety levels a bit lower before you try to figure out your relationship stuff. I don't know about you, but my brain is completely useless when my anxiety levels are through the roof. I can't think straight about anything, and I start to dissociate and lose feeling towards everyone and everything. I have to remind myself to start practicing my calming techniques again.

My calming techniques are deep breathing exercises, I will try and ground myself or try the mindfullness stuff (I'm not very good at it), and sometimes meditation, though I find this extra hard when I'm already anxious. I also try to be kinder to myself, give my brain a bit of a break. And get good sleep! I say I 'try' to do all these things, but in reality sometimes I just end up in a little ball crying to myself because it's all too much. But when this happens, I'll usually reach out to a close friend or my partner and tell them that my anxiety is out of control, and they help me start to calm down again.

I hope this is helping in some way or form! I'm by no means an expert, I just feel for you and anyone else who has to go through these feelings 😞

Maui

[SallyLouise92]

Hi Maui 757 & everyone else in this thread,

Hopefully I'm not too late to post. I'm on the opposite side of everyone's situations, so it's great to read and get an insight of what could be potentially be going on in my boyfriend (well ex boyfriends) mind. He's got depression and anxiety, and it wouldn't surprise me if there was underlying OCD. Two weeks ago, my ex just dumped me. His reasoning was he didnt feel like the same way anymore, which has come as a massive shock, up until days before, he was being so loving.

He's been very stressed and anxious with studying, finding work and just life in general. He had bouts of not leaving his room, and being really hard on himself. He'd been drinking way too much, and avoiding quite a few things he had to deal with (e.g dr's appt, psych appts). We have had disagreements, as every relationship does, but none that were damaging or toxic to the relationship, after our disagreements we had come out stronger and with a deeper appreciation of one another. All in all, I would say, we were great. We laughed ALOT, we had amazing phone conversations, we just got each other. He would often say we are so similar. I was his biggest fan, never judged him (he had a stint in a mental health facility), made him feel loved and appreciated. When he was down, I would do my best to support him. He would always tell me that fact I stuck by him, knowing his mental health, made him really appreciate me and I made him happy, even helped with his depression and anxiety.

During the break up, he would throw any excuse at me, putting alot of the break up on me, but then saying I was amazing, a great girlfriend, he misses me and there were still feelings, but "not enough". It was really confusing. We still had enough work through it, but he just refused. He never mentioned any negative feelings towards me in the past and I always encouraging him to talk to me about ANYTHING. And he did, except that.

My question is, could his anxiety and depression have got in the way of not wanting to stick with this relationship and work through his negative feelings? As of now, I have given up, I'm going to respect his choice of not wanting to be with me, but there is a bit of that is hoping that when things start to settle for him, he'll start to see life in a more positive way, and how good we were. It saddens me that he was just so willing to pack it in and not work together to tackle his anxiety.

I'd love some feedback or any insight.

[Canopygod]

Hi SallyLouise92,

It definitely sounds like you have been there for him, and a patient lady.

All I can say is don’t sit there waiting for him to work everything out, you still have a life. So live it and enjoy it. You’ll probably find you end with someone who respects you more.

[SallyLouise92]

Hi Canopygod,

Thank you for your reply. You are spot on, I'm not going to wait for him to sort everything out, I have done the best I can to be there for him. The ridiculous thing is, I know he respects me, and I know there were some strong feelings there. I guess I'd just like to know if his behaviour is anyway related to his depression and anxiety.

[Blue888]

Hey Everyone,

It's really helped me settle myself and put it into perspective reading these. I'm in my first relationship with my first boyfriend. Final exams are in 3 weeks, so that's stress inducing. We've been together for about 3 1/2 months now, and he's a wonderful person. He's made a huge effort to get to know my family, emphasises communication and respect from day 1 and reminds me every day that he loves me.

Sometime in the first month, I'd started to get these sudden waves of anxiety. He's the first person I've ever dated, had sex with, kissed or held hands with romantically. Our relationship has progressed and started very fast compared to "normal" standards (i.e peers), and I question over and over even though now I'm absolutely certain his feelings towards me are genuine. I'm afraid of the doubt in my mind, telling me I might not love him, otherwise I wouldn't feel like this. That he's not the right match for me, we'll have to break up, my feelings before weren't even there, etc. But, it's likely due to;

1) Exam stress. It'll all be over in 40 days, and that's terrifying. And I feel unprepared and these feelings make it hard to focus, adding guilt. The relationship anxiety always spiked before a big deadline or during exams.

2) I probably have a fear of relationships, or rather feelings. Previously being informed that someone liked me, I'd feel an overwhelming wave of anxiety, a loss of appetite, nausea, shaking, etc. This drove me to believe that I was possibly even incapable of romantic or sexual feelings.

So when this boy suddenly waltzed into my life and I actually liked his attention, it was weird. Heck, I still want his attention. I often feel better when he's around, but that doesn't stop moments of doubt from creeping in. Enough to make my cry in front of him and demand hugs and generally be a nuisance because hugging him makes me feel better.

I'm scared I'm not doing things right, that we "rushed into it", that I can't return his feelings, because I care and really don't want to hurt him. But I'm not sure I feel fully connected to him yet. Granted, it's a very new relationship. Is this just anxiety speaking? Or, that all of this is me trying to cover up the truth I don't want to hear? I refuse to accept that I might not love him. I will fight to stay with him. Isn't that proof enough that I do love him?

Simply put, overthinking is an issue, and I've probably got some major fears. But I hope it'll be over after exams.

[CrissyMouse92]

Hi Maui757,

I have been reading a lot of your posts and replies in this thread and I relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have suffered moderate to severe anxiety since I was about 8 years old but only diagnosed with it at 17. I am now 27.

I have suffered the "do I love him" thoughts in all 3 of my relationships, in the first two relationships I had actually suffered these thoughts, then recovered and felt love again just before they dumped me.

I have been with my fiance for just over 7 and a half years, we've been through everything together and he is my best friend, my go to person for everything, I have no secrets from him and I'm normally head over heels for him. We have 2 kids together, we're about to move for his work and our wedding date is set for June next year. But in the beginning of September we had this argument because I have been running on emotional fumes for weeks as our oldest has special needs and our youngest has high needs and is stuck to me like glue and just like that my emotions turned off for him and pretty much everyone.

That was the breaking point and I went to get help, was given a script for anti depressants which started to work within 5 days and I loved again, the GP upped my dose and then a week later my emotions turned off again but worse, I weaned a dose down to no avail, then I quit them (There was no way to wean off them easily) and now I have limited to no emotions again and I am distraught, I normally love him so much and he usually makes me so happy but I'm feeling nothing. I'm hoping and praying the love will come back, I'm feeling so lost right now! I'm sick of the "do I love him" and "we should break up" thoughts as they have me in an anxious frenzy, I'm either in tears, angry or curled up in bed wanting to run away from everything and everyone.

Though your posts and replies have often given me hope, at the moment I feel helpless and hopeless.

[SJ17]

If anyone is still reading this i would like to give you a online site that was really helped me. Google Sheryl Paul, she specialises in relationship anxiety. Turns out it is rather common.