Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

[Scared_and_Confused]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 9 months. The first few weeks of getting together I can only describe as bliss, and I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I would get excited to see him. I couldn't stop smiling and everything that comes with being in a new relationship you really like and begin to really love.

After the first two weeks of officially getting together though, something happened. I was at work one day and in the morning I thought that I was really falling in love with him and it made me very happy to think. However later that day when things were quiet I started to question: "Is this really what love is?" "Is this love or lust?" "Is it wrong to think like this?" Then I couldn't get these questions off my mind. I resorted to Google at the time and read horrible things like 'If you're questioning love then you're not in love.' and I started to freak out. I started to talk to my Mum and she's been helping me through it all but nothing she says really sinks in, and I still have these thoughts and question why I am having these thoughts. For the first month I woke up early mornings and unable to sleep. I was somehow able to get through this in time.

My boyfriend knew something was up and he has been my rock and trying his best to support me through this too. However up until recently he said he cannot cope anymore because nothing is sinking in. 

I'm now really struggling with my thoughts. I'm waking up in the morning feeling sick again like I did a long time ago and it immediately makes me think about the relationship. My palms are always sweaty and my head is always feeling fuzzy. I have thoughts racing through my head every single day and I am always tired. 

I am on medication.

I'm upset and I can't relax and I cannot just accept that everything in my mind is anxiety. I keep trying but unable to switch off. I have been told by my councilor that I have sever anxiety (with ODC tendencies), and by my psych that I have Depression and going through something called anhedonia. 

My thoughts recently that I have to break up with him have been in my head and it's making me panic and cry all the time. My chest hurts, I cant breathe and sometimes feel like throwing up. I cant concentrate at work and have no motivation to do anything I used to enjoy doing. 

[Maui757]

Hey Blue888 and CrissyMouse,

Sorry it's been so long since anyone has posted. Life gets pretty busy around the end of the year with christmas and new years etc.

Blue888: In response to what you're feeling, it sounds like you've got it figured out but you're still feeling anxious about it. You're right in saying it's a very new relationship - You might not feel fully connected yet because you might not BE fully connected yet. That stuff takes time, and there is a lot of growth still to happen for both you and your boyfriend, and in your relationship together. Being anxious doesn't mean you don't love him though, it just means you care about him and don't want to lose him. I try to recognise when the anxiety creeps in, and instead of letting it freak me out I ask myself "Why am I so worried I'll fall out of love?". The answer is usually because a) I'm scared what will happen if we break up - Will I survive? Will I get through the pain? That in itself is a terrifying thought, but it forces me to realise I will still live even if we do break up. Life will go on. b)I love my partner and don't want to lose what we have. That should be enough to ease the anxiety, but often it's not. So then I have to just accept that I'm anxious, and that's ok. I've told my partner about my anxiety and he understands. Usually once I stop freaking out, the emotions come back. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's all quite normal. You're at a time in your life that is insanely stressful and scary - Just remember that no matter what happens, you'll be ok. Life will continue and you'll get through one step at a time.

CrissyMouse: I'm so glad that my posts have helped you feel a little more hopeful. I know what you mean when you say you still feel helpless and hopeless though, I get those feelings too. Sometimes when I get sick of the anxiety, I try to make light of it. Like when I start hearing the "do you really love him?" thoughts in my head, I think back "Yeah sure, I don't love him. That's why you're so anxious about falling out of love...". Then I try to distract myself. Read a book, do something tricky that requires a lot of mental thought. Or, practice meditation and remember that I need to accept my emotions, not control or fight them. They are there whether I like it or not - I just get to choose how to respond to them.

Don't give up hope. Try not to force the feelings, instead just try to let it be and accept that your emotions are still there, they're just hiding 🙂

[KayPi]

Hi Maui,

I just wanted to say thank you for your posts. I'm also grateful for everyone else's posts as they've helped me realise I'm not alone in my anxiety, but yours in particular have helped me alot because they give me hope I can get through this and actually feel the love I know I hold for my boyfriend all over again.

To be honest I am pretty lucky this time around, I've had anxiety and OCD patterns so many times in my life I was lucky to catch these thoughts as due to being caused by anxiety within 2 weeks (and the specific steps I need to end this cycle within a month). It's so upsetting sometimes to get that thought that I don't love him anymore and should break up with him, but I've been trying to follow your reasoning that hey, if I actually wanted to break up with him it wouldn't be causing me this much stress. My psychologist has said something similar but it's nice to hear it from someone suffering the same thing, sort of adds credibility to the possibility it's all in my head.

My bf and I have only been together for 2 months but I can safely say I've never felt this deeply about someone before and he makes me so happy when we're together, it's only when we're apart these toxic thoughts start. It doesn't help that he's gone overseas for 3 weeks and is only halfway through the trip, but as today I was able to let go of my obsessions even without hearing from him at all I have faith my feelings will come surging back once I see him.

Anyway the point I'm trying to make is whilst I knew it was some kind of anxiety, I was really ready to give up until I discovered this thread. You guys have renewed me to keep fighting and believe that it will get better, so thank you. I hope you're all able to beat your anxiety and regain the love you know is within you 🙂

[Smallblondlady_]

This forum has helped because I really just felt like I was an awful person for feeling this way! Turns out it's pretty normal and especially in people who have a disposition towards anxiety! Thank you for your comments on this page and a previous poster who suggested the "cool story bro" approach to your thoughts. There's an awesome FREE app called smiling mind and it offers a number of mindfulness exercises. I've found that letting the thoughts appear and allowing them to just hang out then go on their way is a big part of overcoming my relationship anxiety. Everything I've read on this thread is related in some way to my experience of my relationship. When we met I was uncertain because he didn't look like the kind of guy i thought i wanted to be with, but I instantly recognized a heart of gold. We are best friends, supportive of each-other, we dream together and have a wonderful, playful caring and thoughtful relationship orientated toward growth. Our relationship is so healthy it doesn't make sense for me to just walk away from it because of this "funny feeling". My anxiety is literally the only thing wrong with the relationship and it makes me feel miserable!! I believe it's a small form of self-sabotage of wanting to get rid of something awesome so I don't have to face the chance of it being taken from me. Either way, it absolutely SUCKS.

I think we all really do love our partners, as someone said we've gone this far to seek help and talk about it! Well done for sticking in there and working through the difficulty! There's nothing wrong with you! You are enough for your partner!

[Drew_779]

Hi everyone

I’m new to the whole forum things here but here goes

i currently in a relationship and I feel totally and utter love for her but I get really sad and flat when I’m not around her I know it’s part of a relationship time apart too but I just get so down when she leaves my place after spend some time together or the night etc

any suggestions on how to manage this as the last thing I want to do is ruin it because of my anxiety or come across and clingy

[Seriouslygottheshitswithm]

Hi everyone, thank you all for sharing your stories - they've been really helpful in finally seeing others dealing with what I've been going through for the past year!

Just thought I'd share mine too to add to the diversity of experiences.

My partner and I were together for 5.5 years. At around 4/4.5 years I started thinking about getting her a ring to propose. Then she up and proposed to me! It was very romantic and cool of her, I said yes and we were very happy.

I immediately started worrying about the wedding, as I knew it would be a big anxiety event for me. Putting myself out there to show off our love to everyone we knew. And it didn't help that my partner knows a tonne of people so our list got to hundreds very quickly.. We decided to plan around a year and a half in advance so I didn't have to think about it for a while, then it started getting closer, and I did a 10 silent meditation retreat. On the retreat I had to confront a tonne of anxiety and fear, it was quite terrifying and extremely difficult - but in the end it helped me a lot. I started to drop the panic disorder that had plagued me for some time.

About a month after I got out of the retreat one day I just started noticing things that annoyed me about my partner that hadn't before. Her "immaturity", when she talks too much, silly dances, baby voices etc. For the first time I started worrying about what it would be like to have to be around this person for the rest of my life. Pretty much from there everything started spiralling down hill. I started to voice my concerns, the problems with our sex life came up, her anxiety issues too. I really thought sharing the truth was the best practice, so tried to always be honest with my thoughts with her. I didn't know they were just my anxiety running wild, not things we could work on together..

First we went on a break, then I moved out and we tried to stay together. Then we broke up. Then we got back together. Then I told her I was still not feeling "being in love with her" - and that really did her head in, as I'd told her how much I loved her to get back together again. The whole situation was super crappy, but she did her absolute best to listen to me and work on herself too.

So now we're broken up, trying a period of no communication. I felt relief at first, but now just missing her, working on managing my anxiety, and to make my life better. But feeling extremely fed up with my anxiety, even more so now it sounds like it caused our break up

[Imogen2]

Firstly, Seriously, you sound like a really nice guy. When I was reading your third paragraph re wedding I knew straight away that your problem was “anxiety”, it was probably the ‘fire starter’, the proposal and wedding planning. It sounded that you had wanted to do the proposing? I understand that as it has usually always been the guys job.
What is stopping you from going to your fiancé (hopefully still) and getting down on your knee and proposing to her???
Love is you never have to say your sorry; just don’t listen to those negative thoughts again!!!
Please let us know if she says YES!

[Seriouslygottheshitswithm]

Thanks for your reply Imogen, and kind words. It's all been very confusing and to be honest I'm a bit traumatised by how hard it all was. I have anxiety around approaching her again and making promises I can't keep! The last thing I would want to do. Right now I just want to give it time and concentrate on everything I can do to lower my anxiety levels, and hope things work out as they're meant to. We're supposed to have time off talking until December so i think I will just wait until then and respect that decision that we made. Hopefully we'll both have learnt a lot and be able to navigate how we move forward together or apart with more clarity.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Seriouslyanxious,

Glad you felt motivated to post, and welcome to the BB forums.

Wow, you realise this all stems from the ceremony of marriage? For 5 years, everything is fine to the point of wanting to (mutually) commit - that is great; and then it starts the burbling in your head (the what-ifs, self doubt, finding/looking for fault or some reason to not go through with the 'show').

The release of your anxiety may have been replaced by a coping mechanism in making excuses to escape - the fear of the marriage may have created a scenario for you to avoid it (and I think you know this is not what you truly believe).

In this state of mind, talking through your concerns (which would normally be a sign of openness and honesty) has likely consolidated the desired (undesired) perception with focus on the contrivances in your mind in favour of the acceptance of the flaws we all possess - a hypersensitivity, if you will.

I feel that, for as long as 'marriage' (with all the pomp and ceremony) remains on the table, you will continue to err on the side for separation - this is not how you feel, but how you process the events.

Could you find a compromise and suggest a "Registry Office" or "Celebrant" with a handful of close acquaintances (or a romantic 'elopement'?) - anything to change your association. At worst, could you dispense with the marriage altogether to rekindle the real love you feel?

Much depends on how you communicate this to your suffering partner - will it be you or your alter ego? Can you put yourself (anxiety) behind you to comfort and reassure your deep desire to have a meaningful life with the woman you love?

I hope this works out favourably for you both.

Regards,

t.

[Guest_3256]

hi Seriouslygottheshitswithmyanxiety.

I may be able to add some insight into your situation from a different perspective. You need to hit the breaks on this love game. You either love your partner or you don't because if you did, you would...……...accept your beautiful, wonderful and loving partner for who they are!

This is about you. This is your time to become compassionate with yourself. The flaws that you mentioned above are no excuse for you to be treating her like this, it's not healthy in any way. Sorry if I may be too direct but sometimes we must pause and appreciate what we have in our lives.

No one is going to fill your void, only you can do that and your partner's 'flaws' have nothing to do with the way you feel, that's something you need to take responsibility for and work on removing negative thoughts that do not benefit you in any way.

Focus on you and tell yourself not to be so hard on your partner and learn to fill the void with your own love. Show your partner that you deserve her, because you do. You know that. You miss her because you love her, you just need to learn to love her better. No one else is going to fill your void my friend.

Now go get her and make you life magic.

[Seriouslygottheshitswithm]

Hi Jsua,

Apologies for the slow reply - I forgot to come back to this page for the past month, I'm thankful to read yours and tranzcrybe's replies. Thank you for taking the time. Directness is good and what we look for in the perspective of strangers rather than friends & family.

I really agree with what you've written above, about accepting my partner. This is what I've worked out what it is all about as I've been coming to terms with how I feel about myself. I've found it really hard to accept my anxious & depressive feelings - really hating them and wanting them gone. I can see how this un-acceptance is perfectly reflected in what I was directing at my partner. So that's the journey I'm on at the moment, just trying to come to terms with how I feel, instead of trying so hard to get rid of it and 'fix' myself. You're absolutely right about the self love first.

She has stated that she wants space for a few more months. I sent her a letter this week just apologising for my behaviour with no expectations from her. I need to listen to what she wants as she had to listen to me so much. I won't force my way back in I need to respect her boundaries and work on loving myself so I can love her properly if we end up getting back together.

Thanks again for your message it was actually exactly what I needed to read tonight.