Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

[Scared_and_Confused]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 9 months. The first few weeks of getting together I can only describe as bliss, and I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I would get excited to see him. I couldn't stop smiling and everything that comes with being in a new relationship you really like and begin to really love.

After the first two weeks of officially getting together though, something happened. I was at work one day and in the morning I thought that I was really falling in love with him and it made me very happy to think. However later that day when things were quiet I started to question: "Is this really what love is?" "Is this love or lust?" "Is it wrong to think like this?" Then I couldn't get these questions off my mind. I resorted to Google at the time and read horrible things like 'If you're questioning love then you're not in love.' and I started to freak out. I started to talk to my Mum and she's been helping me through it all but nothing she says really sinks in, and I still have these thoughts and question why I am having these thoughts. For the first month I woke up early mornings and unable to sleep. I was somehow able to get through this in time.

My boyfriend knew something was up and he has been my rock and trying his best to support me through this too. However up until recently he said he cannot cope anymore because nothing is sinking in. 

I'm now really struggling with my thoughts. I'm waking up in the morning feeling sick again like I did a long time ago and it immediately makes me think about the relationship. My palms are always sweaty and my head is always feeling fuzzy. I have thoughts racing through my head every single day and I am always tired. 

I am on medication.

I'm upset and I can't relax and I cannot just accept that everything in my mind is anxiety. I keep trying but unable to switch off. I have been told by my councilor that I have sever anxiety (with ODC tendencies), and by my psych that I have Depression and going through something called anhedonia. 

My thoughts recently that I have to break up with him have been in my head and it's making me panic and cry all the time. My chest hurts, I cant breathe and sometimes feel like throwing up. I cant concentrate at work and have no motivation to do anything I used to enjoy doing. 

[Captain-Banzuke]

It's incredible; this is such a huge issue. One that I never thought anyone but myself was affected by.

I share the exact experiences and sentiments of most posting in this forum, and last night I hit what I'm considering to be "rock bottom"...but I don't mind. Hitting your lowest poiny, to me, has always felt like the first step to something great. Now when I climb my way back up, I'll be stronger than ever, and I think the same of you all hurt by what another poster referred to as the "Anxiety Demon".

If I'm to offer even a shred of help, it would be to absolutely share your thoughts with your loved one. My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years now, and I feel utter compulsion to tell her about any and all thoughts. Thankfully she's strong enough to not only understand, but to help me every step of the way.

I love her with all my being, but unfortunately it seems as though the mind and the heart are constantly at odds. It hurts. Daily. Hearing all your stories, though, has finally made me realise that there's salvation just over the horizon, and that we should all head to it together.

My Psychiatrist is teaching me to trust the opinion of my "best self", not the version that sits up all night in a panic.

These people mean the world to us. We all know it. If we didn't love them, we wouldn't all be here looking for answers.

Let's all keep fighting for that love! Together 🙂

[Anxiety__Anxious___Anxiou]

Hi to all the people who have continued to post.

Anxietyistheworst, everything will be okay. You will have good days and you will have bad days; you may also have good weeks and bad weeks. But we persevere because we know our partners are worth it! I am exactly the same, when I am not with my partner, I am overwhelmed with unwanted, disturbing thoughts. When I am with him, everything is fine but I also have days where I am with him but my Anxiety still makes me worry. It makes me have this unsettling feeling in my chest and stomach - almost like a gut instinct that something is wrong.

I'm generally a great problem fixer and a rational thinker - so when I have those kind of doubts or thoughts, it's hard not to analyse where they've come from or what they mean. The hardest part of my journey so far has been to accept that these thoughts are not problems to be fixed but thoughts to be forgotten. We grab onto these thoughts because if they were true, it would be distressing. But they're not true - they are 'what if' thoughts dictated by anxiety.

For anyone out there still reading this forum, it's okay to get professional help. It makes you stronger to admit that you need help. And if you feel a psychologist isn't enough help, there is absolutely nothing wrong with considering medication. To be honest, it's something I have been seriously considering for the past few months. I have had this feeling of anxiety since June 2017 (5 months) - and of those 5 months, I have felt this gut wrenching feeling almost every day. BUT the good news is, with the help of a fantastic psychologist, a loving partner and a caring GP; it honestly has gotten a lot easier to manage. We have to accept that things will not go back to exactly how things were before but we now have to work towards managing this condition. Life will get better. It will get easier and it takes a lot of practise and patience; and trust me - I am not the most patient person haha. I'm hoping with medication, it gets even better.

It's hard to comprehend, but by letting these thoughts go, you are helping yourself. If you know there is nothing wrong with the relationship, and your just worried about it going wrong or doubting your feeling when nothing bad has happened, let it go. Just as you would a random thought. I hope this message helps.

Good luck to everyone out there. You are definitely not alone.

[Hero_of_Kvatch]

Thank you to everyone brave enough to share their story. I've been struggling for 6 months now so finding this place is a huge comfort.

My girlfriend and I had an amazing first year. I didn't think it would go anywhere at first but after about a month I fell in love with her. We had a happy 7 months together and, when she was kicked out of her apartment, we moved in together.

Another happy 5 months followed, but one week she went away for work. I was quite looking forward to the change of pace for a week but a part of me died. She got back and could immediately tell I was different. The incredible feeling I got with being with her just a week before was suddenly gone and I was constantly asking myself if I really loved her and couldn't stop thinking about breaking up with her. I told her this two days after moping around, feeling terrible.

Over time, we've come to understand this as a mental health problem. Like others have said, I feel like something was taken from me against my will. My girlfriend is the funniest, strongest most caring person I know and so stupidly compatible with this 27-year-old nerd that I know I would never find anyone even remotely as good a fit.

Yet still these thoughts persisted. Like you guys, I'd have good hours/days/weeks, where I'd think all of it was totally nuts, but it often just gets too much to handle. On our first anniversary, I had a severe panic attack and refused to get into bed with her and at times I've been seconds away from suggesting we break up before I have to remove myself from the room to find somewhere to calm down.

I find there are a lot of strands to chase with this problem. I over-analyze every detail about the relationship, and what it means if I don't listen to her for a few seconds or don't agree with her point of view on something. I'm incredibly harsh on myself if I'm not anything but 100% attentive and caring towards her. I've also had past relationships that left me heartbroken and I often wonder if the unresolved sense of longing has something to do with it.

I've been seeing a counselor for a few months which has helped. I'm learning to be okay with this being me from now on if it means I stay with her. It's important at all times to remember anxiety, even when you're not feeling nervous, can rob you of the feelings you know you have no matter how long it sticks around for. I love my girlfriend just as much as I did a year ago and I will never leave her, but reminding myself of that is hard.

[ButterflyBees]

Hi folks,

In 1998 I began to experience the exact thoughts and anxious feelings. I was with my boyfriend for 11 months and the chemistry was extremely intense... one day when I was with him I still remember to this day a passing thought in my head "I think I'm bored with him now". Once I realised that I may want to break it off I freaked out. My thoughts became so scary and I couldn't switch them off. I would panic thinking about it all. I was so happy with him, I hated that I had to go and start doubting my future with him! I was his first girlfriend and I think that put extra stress on me not to break his heart. I had an internal struggle going on in my head. I wanted to stay with him, yet I wanted to break it off. I knew that breaking it off would hurt both of us. My anxiety and ocd became so scary that I wasn't keeping food down, I would sleep as much as I could as it helped me escape the thoughts, I was a mess. Crying all the time and had chest pain. I remember I went to the school councillor for help and she advised me to ignore it as it was my period causing it... I remember my boyfriend telling me not to break it off... I think I viewed our relationship as a fairytale and was so angry that I felt the need to end it. He was also my best friend so I was thrown a very hard decision. I tried to ignore the thoughts and forced myself stay for a short time. This was the first real time that I experienced anxiety and ocd to this intensity and in the end a school friend of ours intervened and encouraged the breakup for my sake. The moment I broke it off he walked away from me, leaving me on my own in tears. That evening I asked another friend to phone him and check on him. The reply I got back was he was saying he wanted to kill himself.. Breaking it off felt so relieving. For the first time in weeks I felt I could breathe and de-stress. I hung out with him for a couple of months after the break up. I was hoping that I'd suddenly have a moment of clarity and we could get back together. I cared a lot about him. Unfortunately being hormonal teens and with chemistry, we still hooked up. He then called me and told me he had a new girlfriend... I remember panicking over the phone and telling him to be with me instead. I know that I wasn't confident with my decision but I didn't want to lose him... he laughed in my ear and said that he wouldn't dump her for me..

[ButterflyBees]

Continued...

I hung up and was shattered. He dropped out of school not long after. I never felt like I had closure. The entire situation was confusing for me.

I have come go terms with the fact that if I hadn't of ended it then he would've eventually. Seeing I was his first and needed experience. I also believe that I needed to find myself and be on my own as I was only 17. And I put a lot pressure on myself! In hindsight also, he wasn't very mature or comforting about it all... he apparently told people at school that we broke up because I was too screwed in the head.

So why is it that after 18 years I still think about the situation? I'm happily married with children. And have learnt to manage my anxiety towards relationships. Is it that he was a soul mate? Or that I was traumatised and it's some form of post traumatic stress? Is is obsession?

When I look at his photos with his wife on social media I don't feel anything for him. But if I look at old photos I do. Was a part of me left behind?

Because the event was so confusing and full on, I only remember the bits that I've shared.. I'd like to know that I'm not to blame for breaking my heart back then. That it wasn't anxiety but it was my time to walk on and that anxiety just got the better of me... or was it mental illness striking for the first time and cos I didn't know how to cope, it lost me my fairytale.

I'm a big believer of the universe though. He appears to have turned out to be an arsehole. He hasn't been there as a friend since then.

I'm friends with most of my exs but he cut me off. Makes me a bit angry at the possibility that it hasn't haunted him for 18 years as it has done to me.

What do you all think the problem could be?

[Hero_of_Kvatch]

Every time you think you might have beaten this beast it rears its head again. After coming off a solid month and stopping seeing my councillor I had 4 days of exhausting worry and thoughts. But I am better than I was before at dealing with it thanks to a few things.

One thing I think we could all do to help ourselves out is take a step back and reassess our expectations of a relationship. Yes we've all had times where being with our partners felt absolutely incredible. The loss of that feeling, however, does not mean the loss of love. I think whereas some people take the transiston from the amazing beginning of a relationship to a more routine existence very well, it can send us into panic mode. I know it did for me. I constantly worry that we lost our spark and that we're not right for each other. The truth is we just started a new, calmer chapter in our lives that I didn't interpret correctly and am now paying the price for.

Expanding on that point, the absolute most important thing we must do is the same as any situation with anxiety; cut ourselves some slack. We are still who we were before we found our partners. Though they may have seemed the answer to all your problems at first you'll soon find otherwise. Just like my other friends, I have trouble always paying attention to my partner. I used to think this must mean I don't love her anymore. The truth is this is a character flaw that love doesn't cure and there are so many other examples like that. You are still you; you cannot be the 100% amazing person you want to be at all times, even if our relationships first made us feel like we could.

I'd also advise to take care with how you handle you obsessive thinking when it gets too much. To try and spare my partner some pain I've tried to internalise my anxious thoughts more. To distract myself from them, I find myself checking my phone more and doing more singular activities like playing games when my partner is around. While it's important to have seperate hobbies you need to make sure you are not using them as a shield from your partner. I've been doing this and it feels like I've become less connected with them in the past month and now need to make a conscious effort to repair that.

Finally, remember that this IS a mental health issue and not the true protection of your relationship. Even when that feels like it's a convenient lie to save you from the harsh truth, it isn't. If you didn't love your partner, you wouldn't have fought this hard.

[coffeeguy]

This forum has been a help for me time and time again.
Ill try to share my findings in the hope it will help the next person.

My mom died two years ago during my late teenage years. My therapist believes this is currently affecting me.
I feel locked up and closed. Scared to commit and love, though I know that my girlfriend whom I have been together with for the past 4 years is my everything. He said, if you keep going like this it will end your relationship. Just because you feel this way doesn't mean you love her. The love will always be there. But first you need to take care of yourself. Either have an open relationship or a break. But you need to have the space to breath. Love and desire are the opposite of what you feel now. It is only natural to feel this way, since its called a rebirth. During your twenties a man spreads its wings and will learn how to fly. If not it will become a big issue. This is why your head throws all these thoughts at you. You are trying to find an excuse for why you feel the way you do. But it is in our nature to want to fly.

As I didn't agree with an open relationship I decided on a different solution. I spoke honestly to my girlfriend about this, which was really hard. Like taking a leap of faith. But we eventually came to terms. I will take a break. From everything including her. Which means she will be in the waiting room. Which is a hard thing for her. But it will give me the space to find myself. To feel myself again.
I am going to Nepal for a month and stay at a monastery. All alone. And I hope that by the end of that time I will feel myself again. I will give love and desire the space to come to me again. And so saving our relationship.
I think we all need to realise that sometimes we need a break. But we also need to know that the solution to this problem won't fall out of the sky. It has to come from yourself. Not your partner, not your family. And unfortunately not this forum. But from you. This issue is not your relationship. your relationship is fine. you love him/her. But this will sound hippy-ish . Do you love yourself, can you take care of yourself and can you love loving?

Insecurity can be beaten by allowing it to be there. Only then love and desire will have space to breath again.

The power you seek can be found in the small things in live. Don't be afraid to open up to these moments. You will feel bad, but also good. Every day again.

[Crickets111]

Hi, I thought my story could add to the discussion...

I have had Relationship OCD (rOCD) for the duration of my relationship of 12 years. A feeling that Ive had with rOCD is to feel compelled to break up with my partner because of crippling anxiety and overwhelming doubting questions. Questions like "do I love her", "am I compatible", "am I attracted to her"? The list goes on. This would ber the obsessive part 🙂 I also have a perfectionist mentality which apparently is common with this disorder. The thing is, our relationship is really good, so it doesnt make sense.

What Ive learned recently is that OCD is an anxiety disorder that can take many forms, targeting relationships is one such form, and it has been pretty relentless at times. It can feel like these thoughts which swamp my mind are not mine and the anxiety can be completely overwhelming.

The compulsions are the thing that I've learned the most about these past few months. I used to think of the compulsions like the excessive hand washing that alot of people associate with OCD, but for me, the compulsions are the "silent" partner of the obsessions, and happen in my mind. My psych says this is what is actually locking the whole pattern in place. Compulsions I have are called "rumination", where I spend days and days trying to "solve" the dilemma of my relationship, and solve my thoughts and feelings. For me, this is a trap. Really, what is going on is that the anxiety is so high and overwhelming, that me ruminating feels like an effective strategy to lesson the anxiety, but it actually reinforces the OCD. Another compulsion that I do is avoidance. Because the anxiety is so high, I want to avoid that part of my mind, and avoid those feelings. Sometimes I feel as though I have to avoid my partner which sucks because she is awesome.

Anyway, Ive learned alot recently, and started doing ERP (exposure and response prevention) on skype in America, because I couldnt find anyone in Perth who understood OCD and who was offering ERP, which apparently is the gold standard for this disorder. I'm 2 weeks in and it is getting a bit better I think.

[IOnlyMadeThisForOnePost]

Hey, just wanted to make a comment to tell you this thread is a godsend to me.

I've been to a councillor and been Googling and talking to my friends so much and all I've been able to get in the whole time is that I should break up with my girlfriend. We've been great before then started struggling with stuff heavily for the last couple months, and I keep getting so anxious that I need to break up, then not following it through and staying together to "try differently". Every time it's so different and I believe so much but it ends up with the same damn anxiety, so badly. It's been genuinely awful at times. The last couple of weeks have been great, then when we were talking one point I told her I wasn't sure I had feelings for her, as I just couldn't feel it. I knew this meant straight breakup but I wanted her to know I just didn't understand my feelings and I would be kinda useless sometimes, but she obviously didn't take it great, as should be expected, and had a messy breakup, managed to get back together but I have been terrified I just keep getting so upset when we breakup because I'm scared of losing her as a friend. The release and relief I feel when I think we're breaking up every time scared me to hell when we got back together, and I didn't wanna tell anyone that.


Was close today to giving up, with no idea what to do and so scared I didn't actually like her all along. Then did one last google search and found this post, and oh my god it's done more for me than weeks of anything else. Realising there was one other person in the world going through the same thing was enough, then finding there's an actual name for it - rOCD - with research done into it and treatment available makes me so much more hopeful. Talked earlier, worked out how to work with this, and right now trying to get her round here and excited for it for one of the first times in months, feeling so much more confident about it all. I don't know what I would have done without everyone who posted here. Each and every one of you has helped so much. I really hope you find what you need to make this work for you. Will update in a month or two with how stuff is going. Fingers crossed ❤️

[Anxiety__Anxious___Anxiou]

It's been a good 2 months since I've posted on this forum but I thought I would share an update on what's been going on. Since November 2017, I stopped seeing my psychologist. I felt confident enough that I had learnt enough tools to manage my anxiety. I never went on medication because I thought I could manage without - 2 months later: things are going great.

I can't say I am anxiety free but I can definitely say things between my Partner and I are fantastic and the overwhelming, haunting questions and thoughts of doubt have become minimal. I will have my days where I will start to compare my relationship to everyone else's or previous relationships and start to feel really down and question everything BUT when I recognize I am doing this, I stop and start thinking of something else. With practice it get's alot easier to do and it is possible - trust me I didn't think it was when I first started trying this method. They key for me - you really have to want it to stop. You have to really want to beat the beast. With that base and the right tools, you will beat this.

I know in my heart that my partner is worth the fight. The biggest lesson I have learnt is to make time for yourself and to do things for myself. I used to (and I guess I still do) get cranky or angry when my Partner wants to do things with his mates or do things without me. I realized that I never have those urges and it's probably because I am so consumed in the relationship(which is not good). I need to learn to love myself and do the things that make me happy and to not solely rely on my partner for happiness. I'm still learning, but I am getting better at it. oddly, I have this thought that If i learn to make myself happy - I won't need my partner anymore. This is the main thought that has stopped me from really taking care of myself. I have come to terms that this is an anxious thought and it needs to be pushed aside. A lot of people have told me that I need to be single to rediscover myself - I choose to believe that you can rediscover yourself however you want! With an understanding partner, he is willing to give me as much space as I want and encourages me to spend time on my own. he doesnt love me any less and he knows I am doing this for the benefit for not only myself but for us in the long run.

Communication is key! I'd love to see other people's success stories!