Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

[Scared_and_Confused]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 9 months. The first few weeks of getting together I can only describe as bliss, and I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I would get excited to see him. I couldn't stop smiling and everything that comes with being in a new relationship you really like and begin to really love.

After the first two weeks of officially getting together though, something happened. I was at work one day and in the morning I thought that I was really falling in love with him and it made me very happy to think. However later that day when things were quiet I started to question: "Is this really what love is?" "Is this love or lust?" "Is it wrong to think like this?" Then I couldn't get these questions off my mind. I resorted to Google at the time and read horrible things like 'If you're questioning love then you're not in love.' and I started to freak out. I started to talk to my Mum and she's been helping me through it all but nothing she says really sinks in, and I still have these thoughts and question why I am having these thoughts. For the first month I woke up early mornings and unable to sleep. I was somehow able to get through this in time.

My boyfriend knew something was up and he has been my rock and trying his best to support me through this too. However up until recently he said he cannot cope anymore because nothing is sinking in. 

I'm now really struggling with my thoughts. I'm waking up in the morning feeling sick again like I did a long time ago and it immediately makes me think about the relationship. My palms are always sweaty and my head is always feeling fuzzy. I have thoughts racing through my head every single day and I am always tired. 

I am on medication.

I'm upset and I can't relax and I cannot just accept that everything in my mind is anxiety. I keep trying but unable to switch off. I have been told by my councilor that I have sever anxiety (with ODC tendencies), and by my psych that I have Depression and going through something called anhedonia. 

My thoughts recently that I have to break up with him have been in my head and it's making me panic and cry all the time. My chest hurts, I cant breathe and sometimes feel like throwing up. I cant concentrate at work and have no motivation to do anything I used to enjoy doing. 

[em_ilyxx]

Hi everyone who has posted after I did. I thought I'd give you all an update on how things with me are going. I broke up with my partner, I felt an insane wave of relief and was so happy for about 2 weeks. My partner was absolutely heart broken and that was horrible but I felt I did the right thing for us both. He felt it was out of no where and completely unsoliciated. I was seeing a psychologist frequently and to be honest apart from learning I was a black and white thinker or perfectionist she did not help me.

We were broken up around a month and I met a different guy who I decided to go on a date with..... the entire time I magnified how I felt.... I felt anxious, upset, and severely missing my ex partner. I just put it down to no spark and decided not to date again as it was clearly too early. I kept going out and living the single life and I was ..... well, miserable. I started to feel like I made a huge mistake. I went to meet my ex partner as I desperately wanted to make peace even if it was as friends and well.... when I saw him I burst into tears and had an almost desperate feeling to get back together with him again. We decided to see how things go and have been 'dating' again ever since. I still question my own feelings and my choices but our chemistry has been off the charts.... I know for certain I love him... however, the anxiety has not disappeared. Now in fact it's not questioning my love for him it's just questioning whether or not we are compatible enough for marriage and a future together. I don't ever look at other males because I don't find any of them as appealing as him yet I'm still here.... questioning everything.... I'm actually feeling overwhelmed with sadness right now because I'm so so sick of my anxious brain. I wish I could just change my pattern of thoughts and be happy and content. This happens sometimes, but like a switch as soon as I'm alone and have a bit of time on my hands... I'm questing the entire relationship and my entire life. I thought by now I'd have been married and pregnant which is what I want so much in life... instead I'm running in circles still deciding if I'm even with the "right" person to begin with... it will be our one year anniversary in October and I'm still faced with intrusive thoughts almost every single day. If breaking up feels like the answer.... you will get temporary relief only to be met with the harsh reality that it might be you... not them confirmed.

[Anxiety__Anxious___Anxiou]

Hi em.ilyxx,

I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been the best for you lately. I really wanted to share my recent experience with you and anyone else that may be reading this and hope that it may be helpful to you. In my last session with my psychologist, it came to light that I may be suffering from OCD. Obsessively thinking about breaking up with my Boyfriend and being stuck in this loop. Now of course, naturally, if you feel like you want to break up with your partner, you question "well, why do I want to break up with them?" and you start to obsessively think of all the things that are wrong with the relationship. You almost start to Witch Hunt for all of the 'signs' that the relationship isn't working. And trust me when I say, when you start to Witch Hunt for these signs, you will ALWAYS find multiple reasons why you should go, because all relationships have flaws and no relationship is perfect. But we often forget the good parts of the relationship and how good we actually felt in that moment or we often let the good moments get eaten whole by the anxiety demon. We have to accept that there will always be flaws and that is OKAY.

We get caught up in this cycle of having this horrible thought of breaking up with our partners, witch hunting for signs that it's not working, feeling like the only option is to break up but then when we think about doing it, its not something we really want to do and then start questioning everything again and the cycle continues. (Well at least this is my cycle).

I've started reading this book called Breaking Free from OCD and it talks about How we developed OCD, the cycles it usually goes through and methods to break free from this vicious cycle. I recommend you looking into it. I also recommend you finding another Psychologist that will actually help you with your issues. I'm starting with a new Psychologist this week as I felt my previous Psychologist, although helpful, wasn't the best fit for myself. It may take a while to find the right person to talk to but it's worth exploring your options.

I'm not saying you have OCD but it's definitely something to consider and perhaps look into. Once you know what you're fighting, it's easier to know how to fight it. Don't get me wrong I'm still trying to understand it but it helps to know that there is actually something wrong with me and that I'm not gong crazy. I'll still keep everyone updated on how I'm going.

I hope things get better for you em.ilyxx

[Maui757]

Hi Triple A,

I'm actually going through this anxiety stuff right now, so it's fresh in my mind. My brain is telling me I don't love my bf anymore (which is bollocks. I was head over heels 2 days ago, and nothing has changed..). I'm finding it increasingly hard to block the thoughts that I don't love him anymore, but I know from experience that I just have to wait it out.

You asked how I started moving forward?? It wasn't so much as a choice, it was more just a "it has to get better". I know that if I wait long enough, things get a little better, and I get a bit happier, and then the feelings start to come back. I know this anxiety stuff might last 1-2 weeks before I get a break, but I also know that I can't listen to it, and if I try to fight it, it'll only get worse.

I still don't understand WHY my anxiety chooses to tell me this. I've spoken to my psych multiple times about it, and she says she thinks it is because my bf is the one really good thing in my life at the moment, and so the idea of losing him and what we have is a huge fear of mine, so my anxiety focuses on that. It's like it's picking my biggest fear and anchoring itself on that.

I can ignore almost all other anxious thoughts, but sure enough, when they start concerning my relationship, I tune in. And that's the mistake - I've got to try NOT to tune in. I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, or whether or not it will be helpful to you or anyone reading this, but I just try NOT to focus on the thoughts that make me feel anxious.

I try distracting myself, reading a book, watching tv, exercising, hanging out with friends, anything to get my mind off of it. I also try to ignore the thoughts when they pop up, or just go "ok then, whatever you say anxiety". I try not to grab on. My psych also gave me the analogy that it's like a tug of war. It's trying to get me to grab on. If I grab on, it will pull and I'll fight back, and it will pull harder etc, like a tug of war. But if I refuse to even "grab on" (listen to the thoughts), then it can't escalate.

I hope this helps, it's a bit messy, but you're not alone - Don't give up!

Maui

[Anxiety__Anxious___Anxiou]

Hi Maui,

Thank you for sharing! I had one of my good days yesterday and you're right - when you don't tune it, it does get better. It's so hard to just go "Hey, that's a thought" and just let it go but when you do, things slowly start to get better. It will come back, but hopefully the next time it does, I'll be better at using the tools I've been given and hopefully it wont last as long.

My psych gave me a similar analogy; to see yourself standing on the sidewalk and your thoughts being the cars that drive past. Some cars (thoughts) will drive by slower, they might go around the roundabout a few times but eventually, they will go. If you engage in the thoughts, its almost like taking a step into the traffic, and surely enough you'll get hit by those cars and yes, it will hurt. The more you engage in the thoughts, the more cars you get hit by and the harder it is for us to see the sky and to get back up, brush ourselves off and move on. When we learn to disengage in the thoughts and just see them for what they are (thoughts and nothing else), we are able to take a step back off the road and just observe from a safe distance.

You've helped a lot and have been a great support. I hope your anxiety gets better soon and know that you have support right here! You're not alone and we can do this.

- Triple A

[Maui757]

Hi Triple A,

Thanks for your kind words, and for the analogy your psych gave. That's a good one, and I'll be sure to remember it next time I'm feeling anxious.

It's so nice to know we're not alone, and you're right - We can do this, and we can get through the tough times to enjoy the good times! Thanks again 🙂

Maui

[Bittersweet_melancholy]

Hello everyone i would like to post my experience to see if i can help others who are going through this just like i was. I was with my partner for 8 months and the initial stage of our relationship was amazing and we both fell in love instantly and it all lasted up until i moved out of home into my first rental which was about 3 months ago, one night we were with each other going over my finances and realized my hours had been cut which immediately gave me anxiety, fast forward a few hours my partner was dancing in front of me like the doofus he always was and i thought to myself 'do i really love this person' and i came to the conclusion that did not.

for the next few weeks it was agony and i came to this board in order to help my feelings which it did help put them at ease. some nights it would be pure torture and id wake up getting attacked again by the feelings that swallowed me whole, they eventually made their way into my dreams and even going to sleep was a dreaded task, one night i was laying down in bed ready to file through all my thoughts but for some reason my brain wouldn't let me, i just said 'there''s no use thinking about it, its the same thing, so i didn't think about it and went to sleep waking up feeling incredibly happy because i didn't let my brain latch on to the anxiety, and 'where it became a lot easier for me, id just not think about it, i started thinking'its just anxiety' then after that when the thoughts came i just didn't latch on to them and continued to do what i was doing, distracting myself and it was great, i started to feel the love again it was amazing.

Unfortunately my partner broke up with me, which was heartbreaking. i wanted to add this because whilst we were broken up i was beating myself up about how stupid i was for thinking that i didn't love him, for letting the anxiety and OCD dictate what was real and what wasn't. Everyone who is feeling like this with the gut of despair gnawing at their every thought is feeling this way because they do in fact love their partner, i promise you this, just don't let the thoughts grab your attention, let them make their presence known but don't pay attention to it, i promise it will start to get better.

[Why_Me1]

Hi all,
My gf of 12 months broke up with me days before our 1 year anniversary, i am really shattered. The first time we set eyes on each other was absolutely magical, something we have never experienced before, finding your soulmate is rare, that we both know right from the beginning something very special and truly believed we are both meant for each other. Finding true love second time round in life is rare to find considering its not easy these days both of us having kids. We both truly stated to one another we are blessed for our angels to have cross paths and finally meet our soulmates we have been searching for our wholes lives and have mentioned face to face no matter what obstacles come our way we hold hands, talk and guide each other through highs and lows. This is exactly what she wanted. Always happy, smiling and totally in love with me which we both love each other company and quality time together. I from day one have always reassured her that there is no games played from me or hide anything. We would talk for hours each day non stop.
Future plans on getting married, and planned to start the new year moving in as one complete family which we both definitely over the moon and live a happy fun life together. I would sleep at hers 7 days on and 7 days off which i have my child that week but always made time to see my gf with my child. Mid way of the relationship my gf would constantly accuse me of 'am i talking to someone online'. When im at my place where my child is safely sleeping she would message me 'do you have a visitor' 'is someone coming to see you'. 'I don't believe you' 'i feel something' 'something is not right'. Even to the point where my gf would say 'are you sure you are at your parents place', 'are you having coffee with the yummy mummies' from my childs school. 'are you really working out' 'do you really love me' and more. But i had no problems what so ever in reassuring her that these are all make belief of these voices in her mind. Im a patient person and will never hurt her feelings or her life. When she's alone anxiety kicks in, questions herself 'why am i (me) with her' she hates herself by the way she is treating me and reason for the break up that her anxiety is rocket high with me.
I am extremely heartbroken and tried to talk but has shut me out and stated that she needs time alone but totally confused in her comment wants a single life and live the next part of her life alone.
I miss and love her immensely.
Thank you.

[Streetly]

Hi everybody. I hope people are still reading this thread as it is a huge comfort to find that people are going through the same thing I am.

i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We met in Australia but are both from the U.K. I started to worry and get anxious thoughts about a year ago but spoke to him a couple of times when they built up and everything felt ok again. Then they all built up too much one night and I had a panic attack because I felt so guilty for having these thoughts.

I am lucky because I have the support of my friends and they recognised it as anxiety as some have had anxiety in different ways before. My parents and my boyfriend have both been helping as much as they can. I started to see a counsellor and have had 6 sessions which in some ways has helped yet in the last 6 weeks and particularly the last week I've felt worse than ever. Questioning every single detail about him and his life and ours together until I really convinced myself that we should break up because it's the best for both of us and I don't know what I want or if it will work. I feel like the thoughts have gone on too long to be able to be anything but true. I said this weekend maybe I should go home to the uk and break up because I am constantly upset and incolsable yet it doesn't give me any clarity like I feel it should so then I'm back to square one. It's all the same as everybody else 'do I love him' 'am I in love with him' ' you might want someone else' ' you don't really want this forever'. The worst is when people say 'when you know, you know' so my mind is constantly telling me 'you should know by now' . I am a total loss of what to do next. He has been so supportive the entire time but I am breaking his heart by getting so upset and not being 100% which he needs. I don't know what is true and what isn't anymore or where to turn. Going home may be a good break but it seems so drastic, I don't understand why things can't get better from here. Yet if nothing changes I don't know what will. We have his birthday and Christmas booked in Thailand which I was really looking forward to but I feel like he would be better off going without me incase he's worried what im thinking and I can't enjoy things as much as I should. My counsellor is away at the moment so I have booked in to see someobody new but it's not for another week and a half but I can't get through one day without hysterically crying at the moment. If anybody can please help with advice?

[Jalapeno]

Thanks to everyone who has recounted their stories on this forum. I am awake, unable to sleep because of the panic I am feeling about my partner. It's not unusual, I seem to always find something to fret, obsess & lose sleep over. What makes it harder is that he is 10 years older so from the start we have not had a conventional relationship, and it is hard to find non judgemental advice because the general first impression is that it won't be a functional relationship. I find myself having toxic cycles of trying to catastrophise something in the relationship (paranoia he has been cheating, or that he is trying to control me, or that he doesn't really love me, or that I don't love him). It's exhausting for both of us and while I am trying to seek help, I find it hard when I am out of these crazy panicky moods to express what I was thinking/feeling.

It is also my first relationship so I have no prior knowledge of when to break up with someone/cut your losses.

But he is truly amazing and we have lots of plans for the future, but these anxiety attacks make it hard for us to move on.

He is also struggling with anxiety/depression, honestly sometimes it feels like all the odds are against us.

Do I leave him? Do I stay? How do I stop these unhelpful thought patterns?

Or is my brain really alerting me to red flags, and telling me to run for my life??

Help!

[anxietyistheworst]

Hi Everyone,

I can completely relate to everything been said in this forum. I too am going through this exact thing, and it is eating me alive. Finding stories so similar to mine is like a breath of fresh air, knowing you're not alone.

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years now, and despite the little fights that come with any relationship, it has been the best two years of my life. We are so compatible, he is my best friend and my soulmate. Whenever I am around him, I am nothing but happy. He makes me laugh everyday. Now even though we have those arguments, they are nothing to question about. However, about a week and a half ago, we had our biggest fight, but just like any other time we resolved it the day after. Even though it was resolved and everything seemed to be fine, I was still heartbroken .. I guess I still am. After we resolved it, I was driving in my car and when I had time to think, it suddenly dawned on me that I was having a million and one thoughts that I've NEVER had before. I was questioning our relationship, my love for him and if this fight happened for a reason. I spoke to a few people and they were saying that is is completely normal to feel like this after something so big. I agreed with them and tried to forget about it. However, fast track a week later, I still have these thoughts, only worse. They are now going through my head all day, every day. I feel like I am in no control. I feel weak, my heart is hurting, my head is racing and all I want to do is crawl in a bubble and cry but I can't because I am at work. I can't concentrate with anything!

I know I love him, because why else would I be freaking out so much, I want nothing more but to be with him forever. I can't stand the thought of hurting him. My heart is aching so much because I feel bad that I have these thoughts.

Despite feeling like this, when he calls me and we just chat like we do with our everyday life, I instantly feel happier. I feel like I have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. When I am with him, everything is fine, we are happy. But the minute I am not with him and I have time to think, anxiety takes its place and completely ruins me.

I've spoken to him about this before and he understands. He isn't going to give up on me and I definitely don't want to give up on him. He is my life. But anxiety is making me fear and I just don't know how to get rid of it.

Can someone please reassure me that everything is going to be okay. I love him 😞