UPDATE: Opinions on whether this is emotional abuse

[ladygrey]

Hi there.

First post, i'm looking for opinions/advice on whether my boyfriend's behavior is emotionally abusive.

Full disclosure: I've been in a previous emotionally abusive relationship and quite recently I kissed a stranger at a bar, after a number of unpleasant events with my boyfriend - immediately fessed up, hasn't happened before or since.

Prior to the infidelity, he:

- walked out midway through a dinner after I refused to move in (approx 6 months in) and wouldn't talk to me for a week.

- is extremely critical of how I do things around the house (cleaning, cooking etc) and regularly brings this up as a joke in front of my and his friends

- often does things that physically hurt me as a joke

- has significant road rage, chasing down cars that have cut him off, screaming EXTREME profanities. If I say this frightens me he will refuse to talk to me and/or frequently glare at me.

- blames me for minor things that occur. On a holiday we had to walk from a ferry to our hire car and we ran into a wall that blocked us off. Threw the bag and swore at me

-often suggests I look chubby or I smell as a joke

- gets extremely angry if I dress "too nicely" because of how it makes him "look stupid" and questions why i've done it.

After the inifidelity now, he:

- gets angry when I drink or go out with platonic male friends. Says he is never going to tell me "what to do" but then tells me that i'll only embarrass myself or hurt him so I may as well not do it/he doesn't like it.

- tells me I am "too fragile" to handle basic life tasks without "having a breakdown"

- constantly brings up the infidelity - usually in the middle of the night, he wakes me up - and tells me he's anxious and angry, but when I suggest solutions (counsellors etc), he tells me there's no point because i'm the cause of his problems anyway.

These are all examples, though there is more. These normally happen once every three or four days, and afterwards he's extremely loving, caring, and tells me how good he is for 'looking after me'.

Also as a side note, I have anxiety, depression and ocd.

Just wanted some opinions. Thanks for your help

[ladygrey]

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply. I'm finding things incredibly difficult at the moment, particularly because he's been in a nice phase over the wweekend. The problem, of course, with a nice phase, is that it happens when we do what he wants, in his house, and he is there all the time.

I'm finding a lot of things hard about it. It happened much in a similar way to my last relationship in that something happened (last time it was a stream of verbal abuse, with this partner it was me going out and kissing someone else) that made me suddenly aware of the huge problems.

I also think the difference between the abuse between this relationship and the last made me less inclined to see it. My last partner was paranoid, constantly jealous, needed constant contact, and verbally ran circles around me.

this partner shuts me down, shuts me out, gets angry, and uses small physical things instead. I find myself sometimes thinking it's his way of being playful" and then I think, but either way, it still upsets me and he doesn't care if I tell him so.

I also hear myself frequently minimising his actions, and I find it so difficult because the emotional stuff is broken up, so he'll be nice, then cruel, then nice, and it makes me doubt everything.

Anyway. I'm lucky, I suppose, in that he is not very involved with my friends at all, or my family. So I do have safe places. I also have an excellent psychologist.

But my self esteem is demolished, I feel constantly guilty for thinking about ending it, and I feel like I haven't tried hard enough to bring up the issues. And i'm scared of being alone.

Thanks for your help, everyone. I'm sure I'll have to find a way out. Xoxox

[Apollo_Black]

Hi ladygrey.

I'm sorry if my post was abrupt - however the problem is that often abusive partners tend to escalate the abuse over time. And it is quite common for them to be as nice as pie just to suck you back in. Often this will happen when you terminate the relationship. They will explode to begin with, but once you're apart they seek to suck you back in using a range of different tactics, which often rely on your niceness, low self-esteem, etc.. This is called hoovering. So you go back thinking everything will be better and BOOM - back to nasty town.

Now of course this is all easier said than done - it's oh so easy for me to sit here and tell you what to do, when I'm not you. The only reason I'm cut and dry about this is because a) you're not married b) you don't have children with this guy c) going by his actions you are at high risk of physical abuse. So PLEASE - do what you have to do to get the hell out. If you think it might be frightening and you need to get your stuff out of his place - do it when he's not there, or get your dad to come with you to get your stuff out. If you do end it with him - cut all ties to reduce the risk of getting sucked back in. Block his number, change yours, do whatever you have to do.

I think you have to face the reality that this "person" is ABUSIVE. before you get too involved get out, otherwise it will get harder. The last thing you want is to get pregnant which obviously changes the game.

So you're basically already making excuses as to why you should stay - and some of them are valid, because he's abusive, he's GOOD AT MAKING YOU FEEL GUILTY. So don't feel guilty, because it's your life, your happiness and your right to be happy and safe. I know you're afraid of feeling lonely - but seriously, what's the alternative?? An unhappy, abusive, dangerous relationship with this guy??? Ultimately it's not up to him to make you happy anyway - you need to work on you, to make you happy. Have hobbies, do exercise, eat well and sleep well. Use friends and family to alleviate loneliness. And I'm in no way judging you on this - but you did manage to kiss a stranger - so I don't think you'll have a problem moving on. He's also going to use this as leverage as often as he can, therefore adding support to you bailing and starting afresh. Good luck

[Neil_1]

Dear ladygrey

I thought that Apollo Black’s most recent post was a very well written response, with quality options and thoughts and suggestions.

The main thing for you is how difficult this is going to be for you – I think we all know this. That’s why you need support around you at this time; and you’ve mentioned that you have friends and family and on top of this a really psychologist, which are all brilliant things.

Do any (or all – or none) of these people you’ve mentioned know about this situation? I’d be interested in hearing their thoughts/advice?

Bottom line here is YOU. As already mentioned, this is your life, you need to be happy, you need to feel safe and to feel relaxed.

I wrote off any of the good things that he was about on the weekend – cause no matter how many good things he does or seems to be, none of these things will ever add up to equal the bad things that he does; and that will come again … and again.

Don’t be worried about feeling bad for the thought of you should have tried harder – for me, I believe you’ve been in this relationship for too long already, so I think you’ve gone over and beyond what was necessary with this guy.

Lastly, as Apollo Black said, once you’ve made the break, something else will happen for you – I have no doubt about it. So please don’t feel scared at being alone – surround yourself with friends and get busy again with things that you really enjoy. One thing at a time.

I really wish there was more we could do or help you with.

Neil

[Marcsa]

I completely agree with Neil1 and Apollo Black. Your first priority is yourself.

[Greyhound123]

I agree with all of the above, it sounds like he is a bully and not the right person for you.

The fact that he "does things that psychically hut you" is defiantly cause for alarm. He may feel/say that he is only joking...but so are the kids in the the schoolyard who beat up other kids. There is no excuse to physically hurt someone.

Be prepared for a strong reaction if you leave him, but try and see it for what it is, power games and bully tactics, not genuine concern for you.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi ladygrey,

I hear you, loneliness is scary but I don't think it will last long. You sound like a very caring and forgiving person. You seem thoughtful of others and confident enough to go out without this guy. I am sure you will find someone nicer soon.

I nearly married a guy like this one. I was engaged to him and with him for a few years. I thought he would change but this type don't change. By the time I got the courage to leave I had lost nearly all my friends due to his possesiveness, he had my Mum fooled into thinking he was the sweetest guy ever so it made it hard to explain to her what was happening. I had to leave while he was at work and take only what was mine before we met, lost a lot of $$ but I was scared for my safety. The thing that helped me leave was him refusing to "let me" visit my Dad who was dying in hospital.

Run. Don't look back, look forward. I am now married to the most wonderful man who would move heaven and earth to make me happy. He builds me up with his kindness and love and never hurts me for fun. This is how it should be.

If your best friend, or if you had a daughter who, was in this situation. What would your advice be to them?

It just gets harder the deeper you get.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[white knight]

Hi,

The last time I played with someone to "physically hurt them" was at school aged 11.

I then grew out of that.

Boys can remain immature as men. This is likely the reason he is how he is.

Make plans for a new life.

Tony WK

[StrugglingDad]

I have just left a relationship exactly like this. My wife did all of those things for 6 years. I reacted the same as you after 2 years and she reacted the same as your partner. To the letter.

you are definitely in an abusive relationship.

I know how helpless it makes you feel, the guilt and anxiety that it causes to the point where you feel worthless and feel like you deserve it.

You dont.

Please believe me that leaving the relationship is the only way you will find peace.

your boyfriend needs help but more importantly he needs to desperately want to be helped. He wont reach that point while in a relationship he feels generally comfortable with due to his degree of control.

Its when we are single that we better ourselves if we have it in us to look in the mirror.

You need to get yourself to a safe envinronment and end this via phone or sms. I do not recommend ending this relationship in person as this personality type will not handle rejection well.

Communicating the end of this via text can help ensure you both get to say what you need to say without the emotion or threat of violence behind it. Doing the 'right thing' and breaking up face to face went out the window the second physical pain became part of the equation so dont let that guilt you. Even if he breaks all your posessions its a cheap fee to pay for freedom and personal safety.

my mother was in an abusive relationship with my stepfather for over a decade of my childhood. My father was a homicide detective for 20 years. Believe me when i say you are in real danger and to take his behavior seriously. I can tell you from bitter experience - It may take months or years but it always gets worse.

If he genuinely loves you and he swallows his pride and gets help and sticks to it - the breakup wont be permanent.

If not then you will be surprised just how liberating being single can be.

Cards on the table - being single sucks too sometimes. Especially if you have been in a relationship like that. The internal voices that make up our thoughts used to be external voices. So be prepared for an emotional roller coaster after you break up. Get yourself a friend or relative who you can call anytime or failing that there are toll free support lines you can call When you are doubting your decision and want to relapse.

be safe and keep us posted

Adam

[ladygrey]

Hi everyone. I was the op for this post. I wanted to reply with a big thank you. After months of difficulties I finally ended my relationship. I did it face to face with the help of my parents standing outside. Predictably, my (now ex) partner processed love and complete confusion when I burst into tears and said I couldn't continue with his behavior. When I said he was manipulative and unpredictably angry he said he didn't understand and tried to drag me inside to talk. As a last ditch effort he suggested a break, which I said wasn't possible. He then flew off the handle yelling "after everything i've done for you, you do this *blank* to me" and tried to chase me. Turned back after her saw my parents.

While I feel like a weight is off my shoulder i'm devastated that I couldn't explain to him why his behaviour Was so awful and I feel terrible that I had to blindside him during a honeymoon phase. I know I had to, but now he has deleted me off Facebook and etc and I know it's for the best - it's also part of his stonewalling. But it still hurts.

I know it'll get better. I know it's for the best that no contact is possible for my own safety.

I think it will take a while before I stop feeling guilty and heartbroken, even though he ultimately brought it on himself.

The last straw was when he threw clothes in my face, screamed at me for lint on my coat, used racist nicknames because he said I had a moustache.

I want to say thank you, for your kind words and support and helping me to understand. I need to work on myself now, as the effects of his abuse brought on binge drinking and occasional mean words towards others i'm not proud of. But again, thank you everyone. It was the hardest thing i've done and I can't thank you enough.

Apologies for the self indulgent ranting post

Xoxo

[Apollo_Black]

Hey ladygrey

Good on you for getting the courage up to do this. You made an excellent call. Welcome to the next stage of your life - a much happier one!!

You made my day. All the best