Triggered by actions. Reliving Trauma.* Potential Trigger Warning *

[ABC01]

Hello,

4 weeks ago my beloved cat was killed by my next door neighbours dogs. They had dug under the fence and I found him dead. We followed council laws and our property was safe for him,but the dogs dug under the fence and we didn’t see it coming. For 2 yrs we have lived next to them and everything was fine.  When I found him I lost it screaming hysterically. I can’t get that image out of my head. The look on his face. The fact that it was just another normal day for us like the last 3.5 yrs,and now he was dead infront of me and in my arms.

 I haven’t been okay since. I have spoken to mental health professionals and am being treated for a variety of things. PTSD being one of them.

I keep getting triggered by my own dogs, who had nothing to do with my cats death. I understand that. My cat was raised with our dogs and they all got along like family. They loved each other. However now,when my dogs pick up their toys and shake them in play, all I can immediately think of is my cat. My mind freezes,my body feels a flush of dread,it stiffens up and pain goes through my body.My teeth clench and my neck stiffens to the point my head gets a sharp headache. I understand that my dogs are just playing with their toys. There isn’t anything violent about it, just play. But my mind still goes there.

Does anyone have any advice on this?

Thank you for any suggestions.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

I queried mod support about your posts as I was also confused. Apparently the threads were merged so there were not separate threads where the context was lost. I wish they had had the courtesy to email you to let you know what they were doing. I didn’t think there was a problem with different threads as I know when you are in the process of trying to deal with something traumatic you are working through different stages as they come up for you.

In any case I hope you are going ok? I know it’s really rough at the moment. Please feel free to continue posting if you need to share or seek support. You are being so courageous at working through things. I understand what a vulnerable stage it is to be in.

From my own experience, I would say keep grounding yourself in ways that feel right for you. For me it often involved touching base with another human on a helpline or going to my favourite place by the ocean where, if I stayed long enough, my nervous system would gradually start to settle. With helplines, never be discouraged if the first person isn’t the right fit. Call again or try another helpline until you have had a conversation that leaves you feeling more grounded. I do wonder if The Blue Knot Foundation may be helpful as their focus is on safety and stabilisation and they get trauma. Their number is 1300 657 380 (9am - 5pm, 7 days a week, eastern states time). They will speak for 30 or 45 minutes depending how busy they are and you can call them once a week. Other helplines such as Lifeline and Beyond Blue are available 24/7.

Most of all I just want to support you to know as challenging as it is right now, it is possible to come through what you are currently experiencing. With the PTSD response the nervous system is trying to make sense of things and repeating a pattern to try to resolve what occurred. I have found it helps to understand my nervous system is actually trying to help me in these situations and it is possible to work with the nervous system towards a resolution. I’ve done a method called Somatic Experiencing with my psychologist that works in this way and breaks the cycle of the trauma response in a gentle, titrated way.

Go gently and we are here for you if you need support.

Sending you much kindness,

Eagle Ray

[ABC01]

Thank you Eagle Ray for checking in on the posts. I too have found them hard to follow,mixed in together.

Thank you for your reminder of services available to me. Blue Knot is currently only for complex trauma (sexual violence based). But thank you for trying to source a trauma link for me.

 I am trying to ground myself using strategies and just look at the world again,to see what I see. Trying to be using my eyes to see and not let my mind just brush off what I do see.

My PTSD is repeating everyday trying to find answers to questions that I don’t know if I will or can. But are answers I desperately need to be able to slowly heal. I know the reality. But I just don’t understand it. If you read that, it doesn’t make sense. But context and my anxiety disorder have its own way of putting things in place. So even if I know he is gone and feeling the grief everyday, I just don’t understand why he is gone. Why it had to be him when I did everything right. Why he can just die and everyone’s life goes on in the world. Why there are animals who are recklessly being owned,but nothing happens to them,but mine is gone. Too many questions, not enough answers and the world isn’t a fair place anyway. He was my happiness every second I had him and I knew that whilst I had him. So not having him and knowing what I did have, has ripped me into pieces and I don’t know who I am anymore.

 I am up, I am down, I am scared, I am sad, I am angry and I am scared to be left alone in quiet too long. It is all very heavy.

But I have somewhere to speak these words outloud.

So thank you. And for your kindness and understanding.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

It is good to speak your words out loud and express how you feel. The loss of a loved one can feel profoundly unjust and that it shouldn't have happened. It is really understandable the reactions you are having because it was such a sudden shock. The last major loss for me was also sudden and I too felt ripped to pieces. I actually thought my heart was broken beyond repair and the cycle of re-experiencing kept repeating as you have described. But it is healing now. I can feel the turnaround within myself. The grief is not going to all disappear, but I'm learning how it can shift and move and gradually release its grip on you.

There is one technique for grounding that I have found helpful that Peter Levine uses with people. It is to chant the sound "voooo" at a low register and feel it in your belly. What it actually does is it stimulates the vagus nerve and the digestive system and it can create a calming effect. So just taking a breath then letting out the chant. You can chant just once or a few times, and then just rest a bit and see how you feel in your body. I was thinking this may help with some of the physiological reactions you are getting in your body. I've found for me it brings me back to my body in the present and brings a kind of "things are ok" feeling (as opposed to the chaos of flashbacks, tension, bracing etc).

I tend to always think of Blue Knot as I'm diagnosed with complex trauma and have found them so helpful. I was thinking maybe if you have a longer-standing anxiety disorder combined with the PTSD they might be happy to talk with you as the two things can compound together, and complex trauma has anxiety at the core of it. But I'm not sure so you could probably only just ask them to find out. They may have some good ideas to refer you on to.

Take care and sending you gentle good wishes,

Eagle Ray