Stuck

[Anzee]

Hi, my two daughters and I have left their dad a few times now, but this time around I felt like I really didn’t have much choice to leave as I was being threatened by services if I didn’t leave. We spent 4 months in 8 different crisis properties and refuge spread out across the state. We experienced some awful things during that time, including further abuse somewhere we were meant to feel safest. Anyways a court ruled it wasn’t sustainable for us to continue moving around, so we got the house back and their dad had to leave. But he just continues to find ways to control where and how we live without even having contact with us. He made it so he owns everything we have and we can’t escape him. We have been homeless on more than one occasion so I’m too scared to even just cut our losses with the house and walk away with nothing because I can’t go back to having nowhere to live and living out of suitcases, always on the move. But even with a full no contact IVO he still has that control over us and I feel like I’m just going to end up going back to him because it’s more predictable than being controlled by a far. I have no idea what his next plans are to sabotage us and he’s always two steps ahead, so I am in constant fear waiting for the next thing he’s going to throw us. He has moved on (likely only a couple of weeks after we left, whilst telling me how much he loved us and wanted us back etc etc) and I have been talking to someone new recently but I’m so scared that if he found out we’d all be in danger. So I feel like he just continues on with his life, no responsibility for the kids (which is a good thing and what’s safest) he sees who and does what he wants but at the same time still holds so much power and control over me/ us. I want to be able to move forward but as well as being so scared he won’t be able to accept that, I just don’t feel like I can risk that homelessness. Both main times we left I have applied for rental after rental and in different areas and have been turned down by every one. I just feel like I’m so trapped under his control still while he’s out there free to live his life. All of the support workers including the police have suggested because of the severity, I should make criminal charges against him but I still defended him and his behaviour to every one I’ve worked with because I do still love him and he is the father of my children but he just continues to screw me over any chance he gets, but I know I’m stuck with him.

[Anzee]

Ever since I started therapy over 2 years ago, I have had a very strong sense that I had a personality disorder, and that I had multiple personalities. I used to often write it in emails to my previous psych with a question mark but she wouldn’t address it. She really wasn’t the type to label things. Not even my exs abuse.

My current therapist is actually amazing and super knowledgeable in trauma and it’s effects. She has worked a lot with complex trauma, particularly sexual abuse, and has worked in crisis response/ support, so she really knows her stuff.

She didn’t do this for diagnostic reasons, she did it as part of a report she needs to rwrite for me and she said she didn’t want me to worry about it as she was not worried and it was a score she was expecting. She did use the proper diagnostic testing for it, but I think I just knew I have it. So although it wasn’t her intention I took it as a diagnosis. It definitely resonates with me and like I said it is something I have had very strong feelings/ suspicions about, so I think it was actually a bit of a relief to hear it. But it also feels like a relief from responsibilities too.. I feel like with a diagnosis it almost takes away my authorised ability to have the girls in my care too. And as much as I hate to admit it that feels almost like a relief too. I’m just so scared all of the time that I’m doing more damage to them with my instability and poor mental health, so it’s almost like it justifies that I’m not capable of that responsibility… It is scary to look at and think about. But it was definitely not anything other than good/ innocent intentions from my therapist… It started as info she needed for her report, but she also said it was good for her to know where I’m at and what we’re dealing with.. 

I try not to ask them too much about their dad as I know he already claims I’m influencing their thoughts and opinions on him, but when I have asked the answer has always been a very clear no!! But I wonder if I work on positively speaking about him again and warm them up to the idea of them seeing him again whether they will soon feel ok and safe to be with him…

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I can see how you would start to doubt yourself so far that you'd consider trying to persuade your daughters you were not a good mum -and that their father was better, however when you think about that is it  a good move for them?

Sure you can feel trapped between your perception of your abilities and thoughts of their welfare, however please have faith in yourself. You have survived so much and still are there for them.

I think that is enough of the serious stuff in this post.

Do you remember saying "I want to find a place in my mind where I can have a time out and feel somewhat calm and relaxed."

MmMekitty was kind enough to share the places she goes,

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/treatments-health-professionals/finding-safety-within/m-p/40402/...

and a few pages back I shared mine

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/ptsd-and-trauma/stuck/m-p/20067/highlight/true#M1253

This sort of imagining can help, though other's ideas are maybe not yours. Do you think you might get together with your girls and build somewhere in the air to go to? It can be a game or serious, I guess htat depends on your judgment at hte time.

The only thing I'd suggest to bear in mind is kids naturally do want to help the one they love

Croix

[Anzee]

Everything is just so triggering at the moment, I hate it.

still have no lawyer. My worker tried to get an adjournment and the court said the only way to do that is for me to get consent from my ex because he is the applicant and for he and I to write a letter together consenting to an adjournment. When I said that wasn’t an option and explained the circumstances they said I need to go to court then and not to make personal submissions to them about my circumstances 😞 I just feel like the legal system is so against me and I am not ready to go against it. It really does feel too hard, but the alternative is forcing the girls to go and see him and to leave our home which doesn’t feel doable either. Everything feels really awful and unfair.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

We are still here with you , and know everything is awful and unfair. Things may go better for you than you currently imagine, and that would be great , but if not please do not give up.

Whatever happens you are a refuge and loving example to your children and they are always going to know that - always. The future holds many possibilities, particularly as your girls will have more say as time goes on.

You may at the moment be faced with an impossible situation but that is not something that you should blame yourself about - either now or later. You can only do what you can.

This court case is not the final chapter, it is a start in what may become a very different tale later on, and you need faith you have  simply been set back by circumstances

Croix

[Anzee]

I have been trying so hard to take back what I’ve said. Tell everyone I made it all up and it was all my fault and I so desperately want people to agree with me because then I feel like I can trust myself if others believe it too but all it’s done is pushed people away. I didn’t have a falling out with my close close friend but I was a bit rude to her when she tried to tread lightly around a triggering topic and so I think she’s taken a bit of a step back because there’s not much people can do for me when I won’t accept their support.

 I hardly talk to my DV worker anymore and I’m feeling a bit funny with my family services worker and therapist. I just feel like if I can push them away it’s easier to give up, without their encouraging voices in my head. But I also just feel like I use them too much, particularly my close friend so I just feel like I need to cut them off for their benefit also. I just want all of it to go away so I figure if I ignore it long enough it will.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I can understand what you are saying. If you can convince everyone the the past did not happen then there is no one left to urge you on to go to court or anything else.

When faced with what seems overwhelming odds the desire to just not try can be overwhelming. I'm not saying if you should or not. As I said before you are the only judge of that .

I'm not so sure you can convince everyone though, after all the matters are fact and I suspect backed by evidence. Maybe you can avoid everyone  but I think that would be sad - particularly for your friend. After all she is someone that values you

The DV people, your therapist  and Family Services will I'm sure have seen this set of circumstances and reaction before. You may feel you cannot go along with their best judgement proposals, OK, they can recognize that however you do still need support and they are already there.

Why not simply tell them all, especially your freind, you are simply not able ot take the matter further and see how they respond? They may be more understanding than you expect.

I know there are downsides to doing this but have you considered a medical certificate saying you are not in a fit state to face court? I did that once and it worked out OK.

How are the girls?

Croix

[Anzee]

I’m still here. Just being a hermit and not talking while I try to keep my head above water. I did something big on Thursday (not out of choice, out of complete necessity) and it’s the one time I am thankful for my trauma brain. I couldn’t have done it without it.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I'm glad to hear from you, I was worried about how you were going, though please don't take this as urging you to post. Only do so if you feel comfortable.

Whatever the 'something big' it was you did I've every faith in you and your ability to make decisions. Not everything is we would like it and facing that fact is an accomplishment, or wisdom if you prefer that word.

If you were able to use your mental state to help, that's great. Maybe a bit like I've used anger a few times in the past to fuel my actions where otherwise I might have been too afraid.

So how are the kids if you do not mind me asking?

Croix

[Anzee]

They’re still pretty good thankfully. They know somethings happening as they’re very connected to me and I haven’t been able to mask my emotions so much this time so they’ve seen me cry a few times and I have had to explain a few things to them in terms for them to understand but still not wanting them to worry as I just can’t lie or hide a great deal from them, they really are just too connected to me and when they know there’s something going on and I try to completely deny/ hide it I feel like this makes them more concerned and distressed.

The youngest has got a bit aggressive again and had a few more frequent episodes of emotional outbursts and the eldest has reverted a bit and gone back inside her shell and I’m guessing that’s because they just knew something was happening so felt like I had to give them something. I did speak to their psychologist about it and they agreed that I needed to give them something otherwise they would worry more.

we had a day yesterday where they got to choose activities within reason and in a budget that we could do and I feel like they were pretty spoilt and the youngest still had 3 or 4 episodes of rage at me telling me she hated me and physically attacking me whereas prior to last week when the big thing happened I did feel like she was at a point where her outbursts were just so infrequent that I feel that what is currently happening is really effecting them and again they asked yesterday if their dad knew how much this was hurting them and I had to say yes because I just didn’t feel like I could lie for him over this because they do blame me otherwise and I want them to know I will never chose him or money or my reputation over them the way he has chosen to use them as pawns in his power game over me. I’m not sure that was the right thing to do but I just feel like I’ve been hiding all of this information from them to protect him.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

Your children, particularly the younger one may not be able to understand the implications of everything, but as I'm sure you know they pick up on how distressed you are. If you combine with with their idea that there way of life and separation from you is possible that thier own imaginations may feed on this.

As you are the nearest person to take things out on, and in your youngster's  mind have the powers of a parent to fix things it's not that surprising you seem to get the blame. Frustration and fear can account for a lot

So I guess you are doing the wise thing in giving more explanations and factual reassurance - it has to be better then the unknown for them. While treats are fine and probably very welcome less to fear is probably going to make them more settled.

All you can do is what you can -and love them

Croix

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