Stuck

[Anzee]

Hi, my two daughters and I have left their dad a few times now, but this time around I felt like I really didn’t have much choice to leave as I was being threatened by services if I didn’t leave. We spent 4 months in 8 different crisis properties and refuge spread out across the state. We experienced some awful things during that time, including further abuse somewhere we were meant to feel safest. Anyways a court ruled it wasn’t sustainable for us to continue moving around, so we got the house back and their dad had to leave. But he just continues to find ways to control where and how we live without even having contact with us. He made it so he owns everything we have and we can’t escape him. We have been homeless on more than one occasion so I’m too scared to even just cut our losses with the house and walk away with nothing because I can’t go back to having nowhere to live and living out of suitcases, always on the move. But even with a full no contact IVO he still has that control over us and I feel like I’m just going to end up going back to him because it’s more predictable than being controlled by a far. I have no idea what his next plans are to sabotage us and he’s always two steps ahead, so I am in constant fear waiting for the next thing he’s going to throw us. He has moved on (likely only a couple of weeks after we left, whilst telling me how much he loved us and wanted us back etc etc) and I have been talking to someone new recently but I’m so scared that if he found out we’d all be in danger. So I feel like he just continues on with his life, no responsibility for the kids (which is a good thing and what’s safest) he sees who and does what he wants but at the same time still holds so much power and control over me/ us. I want to be able to move forward but as well as being so scared he won’t be able to accept that, I just don’t feel like I can risk that homelessness. Both main times we left I have applied for rental after rental and in different areas and have been turned down by every one. I just feel like I’m so trapped under his control still while he’s out there free to live his life. All of the support workers including the police have suggested because of the severity, I should make criminal charges against him but I still defended him and his behaviour to every one I’ve worked with because I do still love him and he is the father of my children but he just continues to screw me over any chance he gets, but I know I’m stuck with him.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

There have been times in my life when it all seemed no-go, all hopeless. The more I thought the worse I felt and it made no difference to what I believed . I still thought everything hopeless and worst of the lot I guess was the fact I was not able to do anything - which I firmly believed was down to my inadequacy.

As it turned out I was wrong, my injury lessened and now my life is pretty good, however that is not what I want to tell you about.

I had a mental trick that helped. Not an answer to the problems, but a reprieve from how I felt. I still do this. It's unique to me, and although I share it with you I doubt it will appeal to you, however there's the thing. You can make your own -or sometimes share mine if you wish..

I'm standing on the side of a granite mountain, in a little plateau near a cliff's edge. There is sheep cropped turf underfoot with just the occasional grey rock jutting though the turf.

I look around, one way is mountain, however all the rest is sea. Grey and going out to a horizon where it meets the grey overcast sky. It is very windy, whitish spume topping the waves . The wind is cold and gusty as well as strong, so I have to keep leaning into it, then as it slackens I almost stagger.

As I look out I can see rain squalls approach from out to see - darker patches on the grey.

A seagull whizzes past me, wings nearly closed, riding on the wind.

The rain hits me, drenching my head with cold wetness and running down my face like tears - however below my chin I'm warm and snug.

As I stand there I see long-tailed Welsh sheep, standing behind a rocky outcrop, backs ot the wind and rain.

It reminds me how small I am, how powerful is nature, how large the world. My fears are less than insignificant compared to all this.

Respite is critical.

Croix

[Anzee]

Why does it feel so good to give up?

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I"m popping in to see if you would like to say how you are getting on.

No need to be polite about my way of having a mental escape, it's just me, not everyone:)

Although you might not think it that good a thing, I would say your girls worrying about you means they have inherited thier mum's lovley nature and it is showing though.

Croix

[Anzee]

I’m not doing good at all. I’ve lost all hope.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

That's a horrible thing to endure, would you like to tell me abut your girls and what they are up to now?

C

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anzee,

We want to thank you, first and foremost, for showing so much bravery and honesty in your thread; just as importantly, thank you for letting us all be here for you. 

The need to give up in situations as stressful and hurtful as this is completely understandable. No one could blame you for wanting surrender hope. 

Always remember, whilst we can never recommend surrendering ALL hope - there is no sin in giving up for a moment. Hope is so essential for life - but it can also be heavy to carry. No one will mock you for putting it down for a moment. For letting the tears and hurt come before you take it up again. 

In what we have seen you discuss, Anzee, we wanted to take another opportunity to remind you that, in relationships based on manipulation and gaslighting, the great cruelty is that we often continuing doing the work of the abuser long after they can no longer do it themselves. Continue to strive to listen to new voices now. Listen to your girls in their needs and wants and compare that to 'safety' and 'wisdom' - and when you most struggle to hear your voice of wisdom - ask for others. 

Please remember we are here; you are MOST welcome to call on 1300 22 4636. Webchat is also available to you by clicking here.

Remember as well our trusted friends at 1800RESPECT

Please keep reaching out, Anzee. We are listening.

Regards,

Sophie M.

[Anzee]

Thank you, I’m very grateful to have this community/ support.

I just don’t know how much longer I can live like this. The nightmares are just non stop at the moment and it’s taking me 3- 4 times of waking up to be able to come out of the nightmare enough to actually get up, even still I’m feeling very stuck in that headspace but I am forcing myself to get up even though part of the nightmares is making me feel frozen or paralysed like I can’t move, or even talk, it’s just messing with my mental health so much and is taking hours to recover once I’m up. I just feel like I need to do something to stop them. And maybe that means giving up. It’s obviously on my mind until the moment I fall asleep so then I have nightmares about him too. Some are things he actually did, others are exaggerations of what he did. I’m exhausted physically and mentally and nothing is helping with that right now because I can’t sleep and I’m so stressed from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. Some days I am counting down to bed time from the moment I open my eyes and I hate that. I want to be present and fun for the girls. But sleep feels like the only break I get, the only break from fighting my own thoughts.

[Petal22]

Hi Anzee,

Im so sorry for what you have been through.

Anzee you really need to believe in yourself and follow your instincts.

Maybe someone can cross exam you in court but if you can learn to stay calm in un calm situation you win…… the truth will always prevail.

You know deep down what the best thing to do is for you and your children…. Just believe in you and the rest will come together.

You are stronger than you believe you are…. That inner strength you carry within is undeniable.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

Well, I'm not going to talk about what you should or shouldn't do even if it is consuming every thought. I'd like to talk of other thinks

I've already talked about nightmares, all I've managed is to get up, hot drink, a nibble and a little exercise (like walk into another room or shower)

You said you had two girls and not only did they worry about you but went to school. Do you have to drive them there and pick them up after? It's a good thing if you have the opportunity. Can make everyone feel reassured and things are OK..

What are they like? Does one boss the other around? What sorts of things do they enjoy? Sisters can be so different it's surprising at times. The young kids in my family seem to be permanently stuck to their tablets, it tends to stop conversation -a bit frustrating at times..

You also said that you'd really like to be there to give them some fun. would you like to say what sort of fun? Do they help you cook?

One of my family's kids is getting to be most excellent, at only 8! Will probably end up a famous chef. The roast chicken is superb

That's enough of me chattering for now, only answer as much as you'd like. Sometimes even one line can be simply too much.

I hope you have a better night

Croix

[Anzee]

I think I slept all night 👏 and I wasn’t stuck in a nightmare when I woke up. I don’t remember the last time both of those things happened.

Yesterday I finished the housework and then I’d bought gardening gloves for us all even though I don’t have a clue about gardening, our backyard was pretty overgrown with weeds. The 10yo and I spent almost 2 hours weeding (and it didn’t look that much different haha) the 6yo lasted about 20 minutes before going inside for a ‘rest’ and not coming back out. Typical for the 6yo. Then the 10yos best friend came and picked her up and took her to the cinema, we didn’t tell the 6yo though. The 6yo did have a friend come over for the afternoon but she still would have had a meltdown if she knew her sister had gone to the movies.

We’re just about to enter week 2 of school holidays, but when they’re at school it’s a 10- 15 minute drive each way, we live in the country. Usually the 6yo is the boss, but she also gets physically aggressive and will punch, hit and kick her sister and I, usually when she’s embarrassed but when she gets embarrassed she gets very angry and once my therapist asked her why she hits me (via Telehealth whilst we were away) and the 6yo said it was payback for her feeling angry/ embarrassed. After the 6yo left the conversation my therapist said and who else does that? Uses their shame to hurt you for payback?! So the 6yos anger is a lot like her dads. She has come so far though, her tantrums are nowhere near as frequent or severe, and she calms down quite quickly. When their dad was living with us they’d be screaming at each other in the hallway and then the 6yo would come into me and hit me and scream at me and often I’d have to cradle and rock her in my arms for 45 minutes until she would calm down. Now she calms down in 5- 10. Most of the time I can just give her a hug and she’s ok but sometimes she will struggle to come out of it. The 10yo has also started hitting me if I suggest they go with one of our workers for me to have a break or something and she will get really upset and angry and say No! I am not leaving you!!! And start hitting me but I think that’s just out of fear. They do have physical fights with each other occasionally but it often only lasts a few minutes before I can get them to stop. It’s definitely exhausting though.

The 10yo loves cooking with me, the 6yo just likes eating haha.

I feel like if I let myself say I’m not doing it anymore and he wins, I feel ok and calm.