Stuck

[Anzee]

Hi, my two daughters and I have left their dad a few times now, but this time around I felt like I really didn’t have much choice to leave as I was being threatened by services if I didn’t leave. We spent 4 months in 8 different crisis properties and refuge spread out across the state. We experienced some awful things during that time, including further abuse somewhere we were meant to feel safest. Anyways a court ruled it wasn’t sustainable for us to continue moving around, so we got the house back and their dad had to leave. But he just continues to find ways to control where and how we live without even having contact with us. He made it so he owns everything we have and we can’t escape him. We have been homeless on more than one occasion so I’m too scared to even just cut our losses with the house and walk away with nothing because I can’t go back to having nowhere to live and living out of suitcases, always on the move. But even with a full no contact IVO he still has that control over us and I feel like I’m just going to end up going back to him because it’s more predictable than being controlled by a far. I have no idea what his next plans are to sabotage us and he’s always two steps ahead, so I am in constant fear waiting for the next thing he’s going to throw us. He has moved on (likely only a couple of weeks after we left, whilst telling me how much he loved us and wanted us back etc etc) and I have been talking to someone new recently but I’m so scared that if he found out we’d all be in danger. So I feel like he just continues on with his life, no responsibility for the kids (which is a good thing and what’s safest) he sees who and does what he wants but at the same time still holds so much power and control over me/ us. I want to be able to move forward but as well as being so scared he won’t be able to accept that, I just don’t feel like I can risk that homelessness. Both main times we left I have applied for rental after rental and in different areas and have been turned down by every one. I just feel like I’m so trapped under his control still while he’s out there free to live his life. All of the support workers including the police have suggested because of the severity, I should make criminal charges against him but I still defended him and his behaviour to every one I’ve worked with because I do still love him and he is the father of my children but he just continues to screw me over any chance he gets, but I know I’m stuck with him.

[Anzee]

I have been so triggered ever since the court hearing. I am literally coming home some days expecting him to be on the porch or inside waiting for us. On Monday I went into full blown trauma mode and was convinced he was going to come and kill us. I could not stop crying I was just so scared, I kept seeing him (in my mind not in reality) and I literally didn’t feel safe anywhere, I felt like where ever I went he was going to be there waiting for me. It was so awful and probably the worst I’ve been. I made it to school pick up (a bit late) but for the first time I couldn’t even calm down enough to get the girls, I had to get someone I knew walking past to bring them to the car for me, I was in such a bad place, like my brain was just so sure he was going to come for us and I was so scared no matter where I was. It was honestly just awful. I had spent the weekend nights responding to his affidavits and had to write a lot I wasn’t expecting to disclose so I think on Monday and hearing from my potential lawyer it all just got too real and I wasn’t coping.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Anzee
 
We are glad you found your way back to share your experience.

It sounds like it's been an extremely heavy week for you and it's understandable writing out those affidavits would trigger a range of emotional responses.  It must take an awful lot of strength to be going through this right now and we commend you for that.

In terms of support, may we ask if you are engaged with a GP or any other health professional to help you find ways to manage the trauma and responses you are experiencing?  We also recommend that you contact 1800 RESPECT who have a team of counsellors specialised in domestic and family violence; they can provide trauma counselling and safety planning which might provide you with some sense of control and take the edge of how you are feeling right now.  They can be contacted on the links below and might be helpful for you to look at while you wait for a response to your post:

1800 RESPECT Click Here or call 1800 737 732 and also
1800 RESPECT Chat online Click Here

If ever you feel like you need to talk this through, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat Click Here .  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
Thanks again for posting and please remember to reflect on what it is that has helped you come this far, you are doing the very best that you can do in a situation that would defeat most others. 

Regards 
 
Sophie M

[Anzee]

I have a supportive gp, a community services worker and a therapist (I do have a DV worker too but I don’t hear from her and I’m too stubborn to ask her for support) the problem is I only have a set amount of funding for therapy so we only have a session once a fortnight and I don’t feel like that’s enough for me at the moment as because the time in between sessions feels so long I feel like I spend half my session warming up to my therapist again but I can’t afford to pay for my sessions myself (I still don’t get child support and am paying all of the bills at the property) so I just have to make do with what I have, definitely don’t feel like it’s enough for what I need though.

 I hate having to talk to new people because I feel like I have to go through my story all over again so I just stick with the people I have but also feel like I’m burdening them because I don’t have enough support so then close off and push people away 😂 I do this to myself, it’s no one else’s fault, I just decide someone’s had enough of me and stop talking to them…

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I guess the very first thing I have to say is that I admire the fact you dealt with the  affidavits - you got though them! I'm sure you were realy apprehensive before you started and having to put down in writing things that had happened would have been horrible, and if it was me would have brought those things back to the top of my mind.

Now of course you are paying the price, with greater feelings of fear. It may seem unconnected  when you are convinced something might happen, but try to remember you did respond to the affidavits, and are stronger than you probably expected. You are doing pretty well.

You know quite well you are pushing people away, though I'm not exactly sure what makes you do it, after all people and support are exactly what you really need.  I do know you think that you might be a burden or simply too much. While you might believe  that I'm not sure you are giving everyone due credit for being an adult with their own code of values to live up to and often a caring nature as well

Apart from anything else I'm sure they see you as someone who thoroughly deserves their  assistance - I certainly think you are worth a lot - and so do your kids.

Let's hope the fear quietens down over the next few days.

Please let me know how you go - and of course how the kids are getting on.

Croix

[Anzee]

I just can’t do it… I’ve filled in all of the paper work and written an almost 10 page affidavit, but I can’t send it. 1. The lawyer I have is awful, I really can’t handle how awful she is but don’t have another choice and 2. Every time I read over what I’ve written and my notes, I’m like did that really happen or are these just fantasies?! I’m starting to only remember happiness with him and miss him and want him back 😭

[Anzee]

I have almost managed to cut myself off from everyone. Even my close friend…  I just feel like such a burden and I hate it. I hate the person I am and I just wish I could take everything back.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

You are having a very difficult time and I can only admire the way you manage. True it is not as you might like, but despite all you are still a loved mum, and have made a really huge effort with those lawyer papers.

I guess in a lot of ways it's possible to doubt yourself and what has happened in the past. If I were to guess I'd not be surprised in you past relationship you were told things did not happen as you remembered and you were at fault. This can cause a person to seriously doubt themselves even a long time later on.

It is only natural to wish things were better and think of the good things, that's simply being human.

You realy are in a situation that at the moment seems to you to have no clear way out, whatever you do or don't do seems to you to have big downsides.

Please don't think I'm suggesting what you might do, I'm not. I would like however to mention all that anguish in setting out that affidavit, you got though that and it would be sad to see it not be used

In my own life on a much more mundane level I'd have a toothache and keep on putting off going to the dentist as I (quite rightly, I'll explain why if you want) had a great fear of them. Then when I did screw up enough courage then on the way to the dentist that  really bad toothache would disappear.

If I turned around and just went home it would be back full force that evening.

My mind convinced me there was no reason to go, which just goes to show minds (like mine anyway) are not always correct.

Please excuse my story, I'm not sure if it applies in your situation or is of any help, I just thought I"d mention it.

You know what you are and are not able to do and whatever you decide I'll still think highly of you and your kids will still love you.

Warm regards

Croix

[Anzee]

Struggling so much right now. Really not sure what the point of continuing to fight is as he’s pretty much won and I’m back to having no lawyer which I can’t imagine is going to be accepted for a second time… even my workers have said they feel so helpless as they’re at a loss as to what else we can do.

[Anzee]

I finally managed to push away the one friend that has stuck by me through the whole thing..

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

Yes, you say you do tend to do that, and I don't think it is because you don't value the friendship, more like it may remind you of something you don't feel capable of doing, or simply can't handle becuse you mind is  so full of all the anxious thoughts over your situation. Maybe too you are feeling a bit unworthy -though that's just a guess (my apologies if I'm guessing wrong).

If it was me (no, I know it's just me, not you ) I'd miss that person a lot.

I can only suggest what I've done in the past, having had sharp words with a good freind and departed. I was convinced I'd wrecked the relationship permanently and very much regretted it.

I felt unhappy with myself, and alone. I sent a box of chocolates with a card in which I said I'd behaved like a s***, which that person certainly did not deserve and now felt the loss keenly.

We did get back together and remained friends for many years. 

It may be uncomfortable to try to reconcile, and depending on things it may not work, but I suspect if oyu just let it go you will become displeased wiht oyurself in the long run

Am I on the right track or am I assuming too much?

Croix