Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

[LaurieD]

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Hi Terese 🙂

I am well & hope you are too, tho with a new outbreak of the virus in Qld I hope we stay well.

Feeling for you re your daughter's birth & loss anniversary. I wish I'd popped in here sooner to see your post. Such a tough time, there's no other event like it in human experience, it's indescribable. Sometimes all that is left to us is to lament. It's to find words about this; a silent sitting together & a hug aimed at your heart & soul is what I wish I could give to you. Grieve well, dear lady.I hope one day you & your daughter can be closer; the impact of loss to adoption is so damaging.

Sad to hear about your friend too & the time travel back to youthful days of hope & vigour. Sometimes life gets wearisome hey. sigh

I just listened to a podcast by Jigsaw Qld with Prof Nahum Mishan Family Court Judge, re the Apology etc you may find interesting. Julia G meant every word but generally the govt & society don't really, some nasty, some uneducated. More disenfranchised grief for us. But I comfort myself knowing more truth every year & confirming what many of us already knew-every adoption was illegal & 'they' know it. The shenanigans to avoid accountability are pathetic but effective to date. Evil genius I think. A'n is still not with fully informed consent even today & coercion still used.

Since our son was taken I've said he's not legally adopted & now I know he's not as barristers etc prove it. His father & I married thus legitimised him. I don't care what their unlawful law says, our son is NOT adopted. Neither is your daughter. Abducted yes, adopted legally no. Yet the games are still played.I doubt we'll get justice in this life as the fallout & compensation is huge.

Meanwhile we try to win the hearts of our children,hearts that have been turned away from us& all the other things done to them by the practice of adoption, secrecy etc, no matter how well they were loved by the adopters. Sometimes the damage is so great we may never be close with our child & a funeral seems apt :(.

It's a tough reality, set in history along with the holocaust,gulags etc, & rooted in the same narcissistic ideology. We try to endure cruel injustice&somehow let it make us greater than who we are. I've heard that if we've survived this cruelty with our empathy, humanity & love intact,that's incredible strength,superhuman& a huge achievement. This is how I see you, Phoebe & all others damaged by this atrocity.

Grieve well dear lady.Love deep.Endure.

Laurie xo

[PhoebeWings]

Dear Laurie,

Just wanted to send a little hug.

I was thinking about your use of the word abducted as opposed to adopted.

Whatever way one expresses the legality of the situation, there is one thing for certain.

Psychologically, emotionally and in our lived experience, it does indeed play out like a living abduction to the natural Mother.

I look back at 15 year old me, how I numbed out every ‘normal’ feeling post séparation loss of my baby....I simply kept treading water, as hard as I could... because how else would I survive?

I kept my ‘ghost’ baby in my heart, so in my young way...I froze time... and in a weird way felt he never left me.

In real life, in daily life, I somehow tripped along, with successes and otherwise.

There were meltdowns along the way, anniversary meltdowns.

But I kept tripping along. Working to make my life work.

But like you and Terese, so alone, that dark hole kind of achingly alone reality in my inner world with my shadow baby.

When I found my son, the big ‘shift’ happened.

The house of cards came tumbling down, my carefully constructed, self protective world was blasted wide open.

At least now, I can feel the loss in a real way. As I get older, the sadness deepens.

At the same time, when that part of my lived experience is subdued, I glow for the life of my son and grandchildren and that I have them in my life, and I get to be part of their life. So many happy memories, shared humour, mad fun. And connection, bond. Shared worries, long chats. Love.

So this is as good as it gets.

I sometimes think, if I were to be granted a miraculous request by God... I’d ask for Him to shift time, to put my baby in my arms again, to let me be a Mother to that little one in some golden bubble that couldn’t be breached.

You know, it’s only with other Mothers like us, that I dare to speak of the black hole grief that comes with the living separation from our babies.

The loss of our Motherhood.

My friends only want to hear of the present, the news, the good stuff.

When they laugh and share stories about their kids growing up, I do the right thing. Stretch that smile across my face... nod, laugh. Gulp.

People don’t generally want to hear, to think about it. Of course not.

And this is where it’s so desperately hard at times, when we’re not fighting fit and shining, when we’re a little weary, when we’re overwhelmed with our sadness... there’s no-one to turn to. We stand alone in our lives experience.

Yes, I think we’re pretty brave. 💕

[Pineapple_patch]

Dear Laurie and Pheobe,

Your thoughts and feelings are mine also. Thank you both so much for being here and talking about your experiences.

Laurie because our adoption experience was at a similar point in time as mine, i have often felt i was the only person to experience this in the '80's. And Pheobe, like me, you did not have the opportunity to mother your only biological child. Knowing that i am not alone and having people that understand how hard it has been having to go on living and growing to adulthood in spite of that complex pain is priceless. We all deserve a bravery medal i think.

I hope you are both well.

Terese

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Terese (and lovely Laurie)

With Coronavirus taking away hope of seeing my only son and fast growing grandchildren for at least a year or more... I’ve been doing it hard. Particularly as IATA is predicting it could be 2024 before we see reasonably attainable international travel.

So, the last few months, I’ve kept focussed on keeping calm...looking for joy in simple nature. But if I’m honest to myself, I’ve been ploughing through deep depression, finding it hard to do much. I have spurts of pleasure, enjoying company here and there, reaching out to make new friends ( I’m a relative new comer to Australia, we moved 18 months ago)

But underneath, there’s too much numbness, to much real will to live and thrive. This.....has ultimately seriously angered my husband - and after a fiery argument tonight over nothing...he told me he’d had enough of me not being motivated and active in a real way.

I feel like I can barely breathe right now.... as old pain, old childhood and earlier life wounds are causing me terrifying emotional pain.

My teenage experience of being separated from my baby as if it were nothing, the abandonment of the baby’s father ( my first love/ crush) the emotional abandonment of all those who should have loved me and held me up, rather than crushed me...They crushed me with shame and guilt. Finger pointing, anger and no real compassion..... all this has worked such vulnerable and fragile self esteem in me....Of course, never shown outwardly.

I was trying to keep it together, and thought I was at least keeping serene...but it’s not enough.

My husband just stared through me at my apology for being depressed.

I feel so afraid right now. And just beaten.

I hate the scars that keep me like this.

I hope it passes, but I’m afraid.
I’m afraid I’ll be left again. Unloved again.
I wish my fifteen year old self wouldn’t take over when my security feels threatened.

Just so tired right now, as I’m sure you have been.

But as we know, it passes.... but I do feel anxious and insecure right now. It hurts really bad.

[Sophie_M]

Hi PhoebeWings,
  We're so sorry to hear that you are feeling so numb at the moment. We empathise with how difficult it must be to be separated from family. Please know that our community is here to support you and we will get through this.  We'd encourage you to visit our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. This is inclusive of a 24/7 telephone counselling service. Please feel free to get in contact with our friendly counsellors if you feel up to it.

We hope that the forums are of some comfort to you in this difficult time. Please feel free to reach out here anytime.

[PhoebeWings]

Thank you Sophie for your watchful eye and the work you do here.

This early morning, after a horrible night... husband and I met in the kitchen, after he had slept in the spare room.

He said “I’ll be alright”.
He was definitely not alright last night, I’ve seen that anger before.....and it scares me. It’s a knife in my heart.

I’m sorry to everyone for bursting onto this thread yesterday evening.
I was feeling so ill as triggers were pushing me into dark pain..one good thing, as painful and terrifying as my hurt felt, I kept outward control pretty well. Which saved everything from escalating.

I just didn’t know where to take “it” all - so I brought it here.

Maybe Terese and Laurie, you’ll understand how sometimes the traumas and grief of our young experiences get tangled and interwoven into our present life.

My husband was at snapping point....and I hadn’t quite realised until last night how he has been feeling too, over the past few months.

Time to re-set.

Thank you for the space. And again, I’m so sorry.

[LaurieD]

Hi Terese 🙂

I've been away too long & I regret that. You ladies are treasures, far more than you can ever know, yet we've never met :).

We are rare, aren't we? The 1980's-ers (new word) so I'm glad we've met too. I've heard of only 3 or 4 others who go into the early 1990's & have spoken up. Often wondered if most are afraid to cos we're told forced adoption "stopped" in '73, pfft! Like hell it did, it still goes on today!

Agreed re the bravery medal :). In all this hellish stuff we get to experience life in ways where it's cope or don't and not much in between. So many don't understand what we endure because it's beyond comprehension it's so heinous & all pervasive. They often think we're acting like victims & whinging when that's not the truth at all. So speaking with each other is precious though painful at times, I find, as the sensitivity is very high to such deep pain.

I plan to be in here more often. Tried avoidance again - it failed as usual! The stress in my body just won't let up so it's looking like an ever slower life is compulsory. Soon only breathing will be left to me... tantrum ;).

A big hug to you and I hope life is tottering on okay for you. I find that somehow the richness in life is more intense when it's really crappy & not in a fluffy/silly way, but a real, down to earth, this is what'll get you through way. If you get me.

I shall write again very soon.

All the best

Laurie xo

[LaurieD]

Dear Phoebe

I regret not being in here sooner! Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you in all your troubles. Please never say sorry for sharing in here cos it's what it's all for.

Oh yes, it is true what you said re the traumas and grief of our young experiences get tangled and interwoven into our present life. It invades EVERY aspect of our lives because it is IN every aspect until we pass on. That's the facts. As I read your posts & heard the pain in you & in your husband my heart cried for both of you cos the unrealistic expectation that you're to not live or show the normal reactions to the abnormal situation re your son is causing huge damage. So sad. I know that pain well too, dear lady.

By time to re-set do you mean put the mask back on, bury it again? I've done that too, gotta survive somehow tho it's not good for our health.

Perhaps your hubby could call Jigsaw for some forced adoption counselling so he can understand what's going on in you? This is full-blown trauma & it's serious. Complicated grief & more. Have you called Jigsaw to ask for details of a psychologist in this area? There are 2 in Qld & the one I spoke with is excellent. Perhaps hormones affect things too?

I wish I could sit with you & hug you & talk or not, cry or not, encourage & reassure, whatever you need. The way you are is perfectly normal in this abnormal situation, thus my use of the word abducted re our babies cos we have all the symptoms & much more as those who've lost children/loved ones in such a way. You've also left your home country & your beloved son & g'kids-that's HUGE. Many triggers & areas we get so damaged in by forced ultimate parental alienation are still current TODAY.

Head knowledge is easy - reaching your heart to comfort it via a forum is hard. Reaching your hubby to kindly explain, "This is what your wife endures & this is how best to love her; she's broken beyond repair so loving her means accepting that. The happily-ever-after is not real but living in reality is the only place to get a good steak," then teach him about it all. So often it's the lies & lack of info re loss to adoption that destroys so much when so often all we need is a word of empathy, a kind touch, a cuppa tea given along with a stroke of the hair by the man we love most is the best antidote, the safety & strength we draw on to keep going, which helps us heal sooner & resume adoring them again. I hope this for you!

I'll keep the forum open to await your reply.

Laurie xo

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Laurie,

Thank you so so much for reaching out.

I can’t reply in full right now...but I just wanted to say thank you.

I’m OK. I’ll get through this X

[LaurieD]

Hello Ladies 🙂

So glad to hear from you, Phoebe & do hope you're both going okay. I've delayed my reply for a couple of days as I was contemplating your previous post, Phoebe, with its eloquent description of what I call The Deep. I've been running rough again too but have made some tough decisions to enact. I'll jump on soon and fill in the details and I hope that as you ladies are so wonderful at doing, to hear of your experiences and what gives you strength & hope so that I may learn from you.

Stay well 🙂

Laurie