Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

LaurieD · ‎17-11-2019

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

Veldelmar · ‎21-06-2020

Laurie - My experiences can only be related to what goes on the the u.s. with adoptions and such. But, I was a lucky kid with who my adoptive parents are. I was told as long as I can remember that I was adopted and that I was chosen and i was loved and when I was old enough they would help me look for my Bmom when I was ready. So I had that chance to bond as a young kid with the little information that the agency had of her so there is that lifelong care for her that was nutured by my parents. The little bit of information that the agency had for us was that she got pregnant at 17, she was a slight small redhead that was very 'happy', and that she was from the same town I was born in and was graduating that year, and a tidbit that her father had passed away young and she had a sister.

A little about how i found her - the state was no help, i had rights as an adoptee to some information due to health reasons and the dept that dealt with that chose not to help me, or let me talk to the county judge to get my case heard. So I took an ancestry test and a 23andme test. I sent that off and my mom and I went down to the town I was born in to the library and had them pull the 1979-81 yearbooks out for us and started looking for fair haired women. Funny side note... we saw this one girl and I said, i think that's her, look at how happy she is. Photocopied all that info and brought it back to australia with me and waited.

DNA came back, it was a hot mess to sort through, joined groups on facebook that do this kind of stuff and started 'investigating' it took me 2 years to get everything put together and a family friend to put the last piece to the puzzle together. We built family trees and narrowed options down. So when she pointed out a specific name that stuck out i planned a trip home and got into microfiche of newspapers and looked for obituaries for young men from 1960-1965. I found her, through her dad that passed away at 23, had 2 girls, and a wife. Bingo, and it was that happy woman that i picked out 2 years earlier.

So I reached out to her every way I could afford to and messaged a select group of her facebook friends and got a response from her eldest son. He had no clue about me but said, let me talk to her, what's your number and i'll call you in a couple days. And i did, he called back and said she confirmed it all and i want to know my sister and we met up halfway over lunch and he told me everything he was able to get out of her. part 2 later

LaurieD · ‎21-06-2020

Dear Phoebe & Terese 🙂

How are you both faring? Your posts share such tender things and I'm thinking a lot about my replies thus the delay. You're both in my thoughts and my heart goes out to you. I wish you peace in your souls even if it only for a moment or two in your day.

Chat soon.

Love

Laurie

Veldelmar · ‎21-06-2020

part 2 - so he told me all about how I was not planned, she claims that she had been raped (which i cautiously believe due to the high rate of that being an excuse for shame around adoption and not telling their families about a baby), and she decided to keep me, she kept me secret but had barely shown until right after prom (our big end of year dance) when she popped with me, and her grandma that was raising her told her 'i am not raising another kid' and went to her lawyer, cop, and judge friends and forced her into unwed mothers with the catholic church. She was raised greek orthodox catholic and if you know much about them, they are quite strict. So she was forced to give me away. She wasn't allowed to even see me after pushing me out of her.

I'm still not sure how it effects me to know that she was forced into the adoption, let alone that I may be a product of rape. I would have loved her regardless of the reason for the adoption. I'm in the side of women need to chose what is best for them in their lives regarding babies, so i certainly would have respected her decision to do what was best. I know I'm glad my ggrandmom is dead and gone cause I know where she lived and i'd have driven there to have words. I know where my aunt lives and I know her kids. I went to school with some of my 2nd cousins. I know the family and have friends that are good friends with my aunts kids. Weird small town area thing that.

But she went and left after her mother as soon as she had me, to the next state over. my grandmother was 14 when she had my mother, and 16 when she had my aunt and her husband died... My ggrandmom took the 2 girls and made her mom leave them there. So it's been a cycle of forced removal of kids. My ggrandmom also took 3 of the girls cousins in from another kid of hers. So she raised 5 kids that weren't hers. They were very poor and lived in a tiny farmhouse on a tiny farm that made no money. There was a lot of abuse and neglect in
their household.

In some ways I'm happy to have been raised by my parents and not taken by her. But the way my half-sibs have turned out I wish i'd had had bmom. It's a complicated feeling. I have abandonment but adoration. She went on to have 3 sons and a daughter. next oldest is 34, youngest just turned 28. She just turned 58. I have a good friendship with the 2 youngest and know the oldest. and I'm out of letters. I'll wait to hear back for more if you want it. Michele

Croix · ‎21-06-2020

Dear Laurie, with a wave to All~

“R u happy to share how u manage triggers?”

Um. You ask a difficult question, not because I’m reluctant but because I’m unsure how much has contributed to what.

First of all I can give you a couple of decades, and as one approaches the last section of one’s life (no, I’ve no reason to think it is near) one’s perspective does start to change, and what was life-ruling becomes one of the things that that has to some extent reduced in importance, mainly as I see myself differently and maybe not so afraid as well

Second as I’ve become less afraid I’ve stopped hiding and tried to assist others, not directly with the causes of my MH problems, but with helping others go down the same resultant journey of depressions, anxiety and suicidality with more information, comfort and hope, plus companionship.

This I see as an indirect way of dealing with the condition that causes triggers to be present.

Third perhaps is the fact that over time triggers, memories and reactions tend to become less - at least for me - and thus easier to deal with.

On a practical side I try to avoid matter that have good chance of setting me off, even if it is only to cry, thus some movies, some books, even some music or smells.

Distraction, always having something looming to look forward too, even if only a book chapter.

Not being isolated, my partner knows my condition and will try as she can to make things better.

Medication and psychiatric consultations on a frequent basis.

Practically: getting up if woken from nightmares, physical movement and other tasks if overwhelmed by memories during the day.

I’ve no doubt missed out lots, and may be comparing apples and oranges with our circumstances, though I think we all seem to share a feeling of guilt

Best I can do at the moment

Croix

LaurieD · ‎23-06-2020

Dear Michele

Yes, please :)! Would love to hear more. Relating to a lot of things you're sharing which surprises me, perhaps it shouldn't lol. Have a few queries would love to chat with you about when you're story is done.

Be good to you

Laurie xo

Veldelmar · ‎23-06-2020

Ask away Laurie - otherwise I just talk in random directions hahah. What else can I say undirected... I met my oldest brother for lunch - he ultimatumed his mom into a date she would tell the other siblings that I exist. I had messaged him and my sister asking if they though their mom could be mine along with the information I had. Of course the facebook messages didn't get seen right away. Sister saw a year later and asked if I found out an answer and told her everything i knew so far. She flew home and talked to her mom and came back to me on facebook and now we're friends and talk here n there, you can tell we're from the same cloth.

My sister is gently pushing bmom to reach out to me - I had written a letter for my oldest brother to pass on to her. She's still not read it 4 years later. I'd given her pics of me through youth, and told her as much as I could in like 5 front/back pages of hand written letter and gave her all the ways she could contact me that won't change. Sis thinks she will eventually reach out but she's terrified. I asked her if maybe sometime I'm back home for a visit if she though maybe just meeting up with her and going together to her mom's place might do it. We're not sure but it's in the cards. Along with a visit to get to know each other as sisters. Since then I've linked with the youngest brother but we haven't talked yet at all, more getting to know through posts and I have my oldest brother's wife on facebook now.

I think it's a whole process... I spent my whole life preparing to meet her and them. So I didn't have that 'shock' that they went through finding out such a huge secret. It was bound to happen though, my state voted to allow closed adoptees to get a copy of their original birth certificate and I would have gotten to her regardless. It's nice to be in contact with my blood in some capacity. I know not all adoptees go through the same process, some have a lot of anger. But there are a lot like me that just want to know.

PhoebeWings · ‎23-06-2020

Hi Michelle,

Just wanted to thank you for sharing your story and experience.

It's hard for people to grasp just how incredibly courageous it is to not just start the reunion journey with searching, but to stay the course.

Your Mother will meet a wise and empathetic woman in her daughter, when she finally finds a way to rise above her painful, mixed up feelings.

LaurieD · ‎24-06-2020

Dear Terese

I so hope you're still here. You've been on my mind a lot esp since you said it's so hard for you to talk about it all. Me too. No doubt Phoebe agrees. I found that in my 31+yrs journey that avoidance was often the only thing left to do, along with 'playing the game' too of course. Talking about it takes courage cos I find that even other mum's grief etc triggers things being among our peers outweighs my avoidance now. Hopefully the support you're hoping for is found in here xo.

I'm glad you're focusing upon your mental health in 2020. The impact of loss to adoption touches every part of life & it never stops! Resilience is a good goal but now I aim for endurance cos my bounce-back has gone. Rode off into the sunset & has never returned. Do you feel this too?

Agreed that this lifestyle is not readily understood. There are complexities that few can fathom in spite of their best efforts. We can't even explain it all - it just 'is'. I heard a prof speak of the Holocaust in a lecture & he said we can't file it in our psyche as it's too unfathomable to process. A few more atrocities come to mind too it's just that we haven't seen images of them. Anyway, I think adoption practices fit into this realm as well, from it's beginning to now. It's beyond humanity. So what helps us? That's the million $ question.

Have you watched the National Apology? If you have I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. Is 1987 your year? 1989 is mine. I was just 21 & my son's dad (fiance) 20. We 'later' parents have some different experiences on top of everything else I've noticed eg forced adoption might have occurred after 1973. The single mother's pension was an option so the tactic for obtaining our baby became much more psychological eg stigmatise the pension. Shackles weren't allowed anymore so nothing was off the table to get us to hand over our baby. My ex-military psych shocked me by saying the tactics used on me were brainwashing, coercive mind control etc. Hmm, I wonder how many others endure the same.

I love how you asserted the boundary of being treated with respect. Very sad that your daughter seems to believe a narrative no doubt sourced in her Aparents attitude & yet it seems she's devoid of her own identity to the degree of soaking you up to formulate who she is. I could be wrong.

I'm glad you've met & sad you had to pull away. The photo is a blessing; I have none & am ok with that atm as the pain of the loss is too much. I'd change past asap.

Laurie xo

LaurieD · ‎25-06-2020

Dear Croix

Thanks for your awesome response. Sorry for throwing you in the deep end but you've swum well :).You seem to be saying:

Every specific technique & skill is hard to identify but are NB facets of the combined whole;
As we mature & age our beliefs, thoughts, values & attitudes change, providing more clarity re what is worth our attention & what isn't, some mastery/control is obtained as insight grants a moment of choice re what to fear or not;
Growing beyond fear has empowered or enabled you to bring meaning from your experiences by building f'ships & supporting others, sharing your experience & what gives you strength & hope. Perhaps being with your peers grants security as your needs are understood;
Cessation of exposure to traumatic events allows for the triggers etc to reduce over time & wise avoidance of known triggers grants choices re how to deal with them eg avoidance, distraction, hoped for pleasant activities;
Attachment-secure, love, supportive, intimacy, respect, empathy...;
Meds & psych support-supervision, guidance, help, acknowledgement of your condition & needs;
Freedom to address your needs eg nightmares/bad memories = physical movement & tasks done when needed.

Have I understood you correctly?

What about in peer & societal arenas? Frankly I grant you much respect and honour your wounds moreso as they were obtained in a context of service and protection of us. Do others generally grant you the same?

I'm reminded of the Maree S.A. p/man years ago who shared re what he had to do one night & while he tried to hide it he was clearly shattered. But the rest of us (incl big, tough miners) had no doubts that he had to do it & respected him hugely for it, but we all wished we could take away his pain; an incredibly strong man with a broken heart is not easy to experience. I hope he got help but he def had respect & empathy, admiration even for making a tough call & doing what was needed to protect others.

I find truth, insight, clarity and acceptance help greatly. Seeing through the shaming, deception, gaslighting, learning some facts etc can take years & it's complicated.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Def can't compare our situations 🙂 but I find learning from others exp's very helpful. An insight I was taught re guilt: it's not a feeling but a position of being either in the right or the wrong & the feeling is sorrow, regret etc= huge help! I was able to discern who's responsible for what vs blame shifting.

Cheers

Laurie

Croix · ‎26-06-2020

Dear Laurie

All seems so neat,with those points:) probably neater than what goes on in my head, though you have things right of course.

My peers, they are here and in Suicide Prevention bodies, not cops so much who tend by and large to treat matters in a different way. They recognize the illness, but sometimes have less hope and are in any case when ill fragmented away into society, not as a group.

The public -yes they show sympathy and respect, though make unwarranted assumptions. I was a detective, not a uniform first responder, but even so ...

I'm sot sure I understand about guilt. It is easy to rationalize and say there were others involved, it was the system, how were you to know and and many other muddying factors, it does not help at all. Perhaps you might like to explain your meaning for me? (Only fair, you put me on the spot:)

I'll give you another unrelated example to help you get started. When my first wife was passing away in hospital I was given a choice, give her a pain free but quicker end, or keep her going on longer. I feel guilt so many years later over my decision (I'd rather not say more abut that particular subject, it is rare I talk of it at all)..

Croix