Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

[LaurieD]

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

[Pineapple_patch]

Thank you for articulating that. I did receive in the mail the National apology for forced adoption at the time, but i admit i haven't allowed myself to engage with it fully. You are right, this is because i feel complicit in the process. I don't believe i have ever seen Julia Gillards delivery of this. I have some time to explore this at the moment so i will look for it.

I did meet my daughter 10+ years ago and we had quite a bit of contact over 18 months. I had to end the contact though as it was too painful and wounding for me. She would not acknowledge me for who i was, would tell me through her behaviours that i was insignificant and refused to acknowledge that we were her birth family. At the same time i could see her absorbing me, copying me and doing things that i had done. I found it over whelming and also very odd. I felt set up to fail and that a rug was getting pulled out from under me at every turn. She would make arrangements with me and then at the last minute couldn't make it (adoptive parents trumped me). I wasn't prepared to continue in the relationship where clearly there was no respect for me. She told me in one of my attempts to discuss how i was feeling that there were worse things in the world (than losing a child to adoption). I was bewildered. Seemed to me there was some 'adoption politics' going on that i couldn't comprehend.

That contact however has given me some peace, i know she is safe and well. My grief for the loss of my natural relationship to her continues. I am doing some cleaning out at the moment and just came across a photo i was given of her as a 10 yold. I would give anything and everything to be able to go back in time and write a new story, to have the memory of those moments as mine, first hand.

Regards

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Pineapple,

It seems to me that the reunion ‘dance’ is so, so hard for both adopted adult and the natural Mother. And of course, the adoptive Mother and family have their own story to tell, of the impact on them.

My first meeting with my son was beyond words, it was extraordinary in a wonderful way. I think ( from what I’ve learned) that most first meetings have that surreal and incredible quality. Jubilation, joy and yet in there, some numbed terror, sadness and something else.

I won’t dwell on that, but I will say that in those first few years I had to experience the painful drama of the dance/juggle my son was forced to do - as there were two worlds, the one he knew and then me, the known but unknown.

We both knew exactly who we were to each other, as I’m sure your daughter was keenly aware of at a deep level - but the challenge was to ‘live’ that knowledge without disrupting everything my son knew, the family that had given him love, security, history and connectivity.

My son’s Mother ultimately gave him an ultimatum - it was her or me.

A choice.

It's hard to imagine. But her mental health was broken by this terror, this reality that he had a Mother other then her, a reality she’d surpressed for years.

My son was very torn. His mental health took a dive, very badly... and then, he rose up - and made no choice, instead turned the choice on her.

Incredibly brave and courageous.

Back then and even today, there are still actions I experience that most Mothers would regard as lacking respect, but I’ve learned that my son needs me to sometimes play ‘that game’ to keep his adoptive family grounded and to hold us both in the balance of his life.

My other friend, who is a reunited Mother like me, shares similar experiences.

Last year, after almost 15 years of relationship, her adult son was staying at her house, as he often does - and out of the blue told her that his adoptive Mother will always be his real Mum. They weren’t having a fight, it was a pleasant evening, a couple of glasses of wine and chatting.

My friend felt that punch right to the gut, as she looked into the eyes, the mirror of her... her son.

Not surprisingly, after his visit, she collapsed. She choked through the rest of the weekend as graciously as she could - after all, she had told him that she only ever wanted complete honesty between them - but God, it’s so hard to take.

[PhoebeWings]

Our children deserve the love we can offer, but as adults, it may just feel too painful to accept.

My son didn’t ask to be ‘abandoned’ by his natural Mother, his natural family members... to be ‘given up’ to strangers. He didn’t ask to live as one ‘adopted’ and grafted into another family with the loss of natural family roots and identity.

I’ve noted that adopted people often feel they exist to make everyone else happy. You know?

The mechanics and psychological gymnastics of modern day adoption in our era, have to power to mess with all concerned in some way.

Although I am close to my son, I still grieve. Still hurt inwardly.

I noticed on BBs picture for Mother’s Day ‘greetings’ there was no place for mothers like us. An insightful window into our condition.

And we’re not alone, but casualties of a societal push to deliver babies of vulnerable mothers into the arms of others.

We’re survivors 💕

[PhoebeWings]

Terese,

By the way, I just needed to write those last two posts - I’m not in the best place either, at the moment.

I wasn’t ignoring your personal hurt and grief, I hope it didn’t come across that way?

Your story was a trigger for something I feel deeply angry about and have so much pain.

Adoption. The mind mess that is adoption, the secrecy, the lies, the make believe, the whole unhumane process that engineered adoption.

I’m sorry. Guess I need to step back - I really support that you can move through with fresh determination to get your mental health on track.

I suspect I also need some help right now. 🌸

[LaurieD]

Dear Croix, Phoebe & Terese

Hello wonderful people :). I am so sorry about my delayed replies. We suddenly had to move as the rental sold & the new lessor & our real estate did much wrong by us, very stressful. A too common event sadly but we are settled now with a brilliant agent and lessor.

I'm so pleased to hear from you all & a big welcome to you Terese. I hope you're still around, dear lady!

Off to reply to your posts :).

Love

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Dear Croix 🙂

Thanks for the cat quote; I'm glad you feel comfortable to raise such queries because the search for insight is often most helpful in a kind & frank discussion.

You have & haven't misunderstood. It is true that the invitation to grow and build one's character through the unavoidable misfortunes of life is challenging but worthwhile. The problem is that what we endure is incurable. The professionals state that clearly but not many listen. The pressure we so often feel to "get over it" even in the kindest ways adds a another dimension of pain. Millions of women & men globally don't recover & the question asked many times is, "Why not?" How to live with such a thing is not really known or talked about. It's a "where do we put this" situation much like the Holocaust.

I suppose a similar question which may provoke contemplation is, "Why is that infertile couples so desperately want a child? Why don't they ever 'get over it'?" The life-long anguish of being childless from infertility is well known & understood. I have yet to discern what the difference is between their childlessness & ours, other than the obvious difference that they're denied a potential child & we are denied an actual child. A living one + all their descendants. Alive but dead to us - death is separation not annihilation so this is a living death - there is no past, it just always "is", a penance to pay in this life & the next. Even the best of reunions don't cure the pain cos we're not reunified, just meeting again. I wonder why people love to see reunions so much, on the telly etc? What's the difference between the parents of an abducted baby, missing for decades yet no one cares? Why don't they 'get over it"?

How does one live with that? So many are not bitter nor inactive towards healing & growth & yet the pain is still acute. I think some things are not humanly possible to live with. Many believe it's founded in the epidemic of narcissism our society is plagued with since the late 1800's & we know that damage.

If only people would "do by others as they would have done by them". If there's a way to avoid this unavoidable suffering then millions of women & men & their children who were taken & still are being taken would want the cure asap. Parents of healthy babies are the only type in the DOCS Adoptions Unit & it's noted that most prospective adopters prefer that the parents are absent. I wonder why they want that & why the Dept grants it?

Life. Ain't it grand? 🙂

L

[Veldelmar]

Just ran across this post. I'm an adoptee. Was born in 1980 in the u.s. and adopted pretty quick through child and youth services. I just wanted to let you know I understand a bit about your ordeal from the other side and give you a virtual hug. I found my birth mother through ancestryDNA - she is too afraid to talk to me 'why would she want to know the person that gave her away' - but I'm in contact with my half-siblings through her. After hearing her story through my half-sibs, i feel i understand her even more than I did before. She was forced to give me up for adoption because of family ties with the law at the time. She was put in a home for unwed mothers.

Somehow, she kept me secret for 7 months until she popped all of a sudden - she'd planned on taking off after HS graduation but it didn't go that way. I grew up 17 miles from where I was born and spent my childhood looking for redheads the right age, but she'd taken off to another state by then. Anyways... don't want to get into my story and steal your emotional validity away. But, I understand - if only through the window. 40 is just around the corner and hopefully this year will be the year she reaches out. I waited 36 years to find her, i can wait 36 more to know her.

Be kind to yourself,
Michele

[Croix]

Dear L~

I'd never say "get over it", or "move on" thy are one of my pet hates. And yes you are right, it is something you live with, that one becomes used to being in your life, but is still a hole in the soul that always tortures.

Like you I have no real answers. I do think sometimes there is room for understanding, particularly by both the adoptee and the adoptive parents. I'm not sure it is ever possible to 'share' an offspring, i do think for those with natural empathy and understanding that some sort of relationship can be established.

As someone who has not had to undergo this I'm guessing. Society is much different now that when I grew up and all unmarried mother were treated like dirt, the the father rarely even criticized.

I guess many, natural mothers induced, see reunions as a starting point to repair the past and lead to a new relationship. Maybe it does sometimes, though I'd imagine more often it leaves the person even more lost.

I've no real idea of a path to better things except perhaps a sneaking feeling that authorities take the necessity of adoption on too many occasions, where alternative paths might keep natural mother and baby together. A better understanding of long term harm on both despite current undesirable circumstances would be ideal.

Croix

[LaurieD]

Hey Croix 🙂

Always great to hear from you. How are you going? Well I hope. Coping with Covid ok?

Be assured I know you'd never say or even hint that someone should "get over it" or "move on" thus you're a Community Champion & worthy of the trust given you by so many in the forums, incl me. Empathy from someone not touched by adoption is rare & powerful; thank you!

Agreed re your points about "sharing" a child, sometimes great r'ships have been built among the parties, I remember the double standard too re "sowing wild oats". SO much change since the late 1800's.

How to endure such a loss & relate in such a unique social structure is the primary unanswered question in over a century of what is really a modern practice. Many parents do hope reunion will help heal & it's true that many feel more lost because no-one really knows the best way for us all to relate esp after decades of silence, secrecy, grief, trauma... I'm discouraged that many adoptees & parents in truly open adoptions also now say it's too painful to endure.

I've met amazing women like the ladies in here & their love, courage & endurance give me hope & show how to be the best we can be in a situation of unavoidable suffering. This lifestyle is brutal & yet somehow there's a beauty in the strength of spirit because the pain is sourced in a heart made vulnerable by love. Imagine the outcry if we all said we're glad to be rid of that kid & forget all about him/her!

The politics in adoption is exasperating. Since adoption began 100+ yrs ago people have denounced it as inhumane & much research & scientific literature exist from way back to support the abolition of such a practice,and yet it continues. I often wonder why.

Jigsaw QLD just did a podcast on Permanency vs Adoption which outlines alternatives well known by the govt.

My 32yr long search for release from the pain is over; it doesn't exist.So "now that all hope is lost, what do I hope for now?"

I'm taking Frankl at his word that life is potentially meaningful in spite of unavoidable suffering: by doing a deed or creating a work, experiencing something or encountering someone ie love, & most NB by facing a fate we can't change, rise above & grow beyond it by changing ourselves, to turn the pain of suffering into a human achievement & accomplishment, use guilt to change for the better, & see death/life's fragility as an incentive to take responsible action.

Kindergarten 2.0!

R u happy to share how u manage triggers?

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Hi Michele 🙂

Thank you for sharing some of your story which doesn't steal any of my emotional validity ;). A virtual & socially distant hug for you too!

I hang on your every word as your perspective is foreign to me. Your last sentence is deeply moving, "I waited 36 years to find her, I can wait 36 more to know her." Wow. The value you place on her in your life is so... big. I relate to her pain & shame but I so hope you get/got to say those words to your BMum because your commitment to her is gold.

I can't imagine how you must feel; perhaps my son feels the same? Yes, the constant searching (sigh). How did you know she was a redhead? I searched everywhere, even managed to squirm my way into the adoptions office to try & find our secret file. Turns out the sealed records are in a huge safe in Brisbane. Tried for years to locate the ADad via google: a traffic control officer whose name starts with T. Learned a few weeks ago that he's never been an ATCO. Seems the dept lied?

If you're happy to share I'd love to hear your experiences & insights esp about the impact of knowing you were forcibly taken from your mother for adoption. How did you deal with that when you found out? So pleased you have contact with half-siblings esp ones willing to help tell you your story :). R u friends?

I relate to your BMum's belief that she "gave you away" when in reality you were forcibly taken. Such is the effectiveness of the brain-washing etc that even when clear evidence is presented re coercion we still believe we let them take our baby. The enormous damage to the very core of our womanhood seems irreparable. If we consciously know & believe the truth it does help, but the trauma lives on in the brain & is a constant hair-trigger between sanity & The Deep. Exasperating, excruciating & clearly eternal as I still can't get rid of that damn trigger.

My fiance, later husband and father to all my children, & I had a son in 1989. We were 20/21, working, left home, engaged, immature but not incapable of maturing into marriage & parenthood with guidance, but my parents decided our son will be relinquished for adoption & saw to it that was done in spite of our passionate resistance. 31+ yrs later & they still say it was my freely made decision & other things I hate to share cos I feel so ashamed of them. I'm 52yo now & have only just fully accepted that they really are highly narcissistic.

Life can be brutal but I'm glad it can be beautiful too.

Be good to you:)

Laurie xo