Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

[LaurieD]

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

[Croix]

Dear Laurie

The "hope" is used in part with irony, but only in part. Like you there are times when despair creeps up and equanimity seems unattainable, however the thought I've made it through so many times is a huge boost.

I accept that I'll live with it, however as I've said, it improves, partly time, partly experience, partly support. Life now is mostly good.

And that is the point, the original young you is gradually chipping out of the shell and being restored, as it is for me. It has become a stronger, wiser, more capable version, or so I've found.

Being affected and hurting on behalf of others as they mirror your experiences is no reason to put yourself down or have self contempt. The world needs people who are NOT isolated. It may be so really hard at times, but I beleive it is part of being human.

There will always be lies and self seeking in the world, it takes others to point this out, not necessarily in big publicity ventures, but just word to word wiht someone else.

I too look for tools as you do, one obvious one in humor, another is a safe mental place, there are many others. My BeyondNow is a ready reference:)

You are choosing wisely and you do inspire, I can attest to that.

Croix

[LaurieD]

Dear Croix

Hi! How are you? Ok I hope :). Your last letter is full of gold nuggets as is your usual form-a stronger, wiser & more capable version of Croix, risen from The Deep to articulate truths & insights to others in ways you probably never dreamed you would. Your unavoidable suffering is being ennobled via sharing your know-how via your keyboard, word by word - thank you.

Making it through so many times="if you can't do anything about it except for going your way with dignity = attitudinal heroism" (Frankl).

As a twin I can be full on in ways singletons don't relate to so sometimes I go quiet. My twin & I really can talk underwater; we tried it.

I've been engrossed in drawing, digital stuff & audiobooks, rattling wardrobes for skeletons in the family tree & found some!, began seeing a naturopath/nutritionist & already feel better. Yesterday she gave me Aust Bushflower Essence for calming & I swear it's like a tranquiliser; nearly fell asleep on the spot. The island is saturated from daily rain, streams everywhere, lush. Life potters on.

But on the 12th I got reminded it's anniversary time till 27Apr; drawing a picture in my head prior to falling asleep then bang nearly a panic attack. The mind recalls the date but not the year. The switch is on again but I don't care anymore.

Anyway was just listening to a talk about the latest trauma treatment stuff: interoception ie body-based awareness & self-regulation. Top down is CBT, thoughts etc & bottom up somatic so bodily sensations r to be monitored by psych & self & dealt with. There's much great help I know but this one, hm. I don't think some get it; a trauma attack? is instant & is reliving the event as though there eg a lion attack; pointing out that one seems quite tense in their neck region in that scenario isn't very helpful to someone who's reliving a lion attack, is it? For some reliving bodily sensations IS the trigger, if not disassociated. Maybe I'm missing something.

I'm learning that the whole person needs tender care; spirit, soul (mind will, emotions), heart, body. What Frankl calls unavoidable suffering know-how; we all need that. I can't escape the pain of infertile people, it's in the SLE (Lupus) groups too & they call their adopted child OURS now which in short=denial, avoidance & future problems; they need suffering know-how for their pain too cos someone else's baby usually obtained in questionable ways doesn't heal them.

There's no night without stars Andre Norton.

Laurie

[Pineapple_patch]

Hi Laurie
I happened upon your forum post yesterday evening. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there to look for support. I stumbled upon your post as I too was seeking any available wisdom or support that I can source to keep myself going through the lifelong losses that is the reality of having lost my child to adoption. I am tired of doing it on my own. I don’t ask for help easily and the topic continues to be very emotional for me so it has always been easier to just avoid it.
I was 17 when I relinquished my daughter, and this year I turn 50. I have always been a reflective person, but as I see time pass so quickly in my life and knowing the significance of these years in my daughter’s life, I realise I need to more constructively and actively manage my feelings of grief and particularly the dates and events that trigger them. I am striving to make 2020 my year to focus on good mental health and that requires me to reach out and to talk about things.
I note from your posts that this time of year may be when you are feeling your loss most acutely. I hope you are doing OK.

Terese

[Croix]

Dear Laurie~

Having thought abut your posts I've an Andre Norton quote too:

Always the cat remains a little beyond the limits we try to set for him in our blind folly.

Andre lived through the great depression and WW2 and knew privation.

I look at myself and try to apply that quote, for me it means I'm not as limited as I believe and that I can improve over and above how much I have already.

May I think differently to what I understand you to mean? I do believe a body which is more at ease makes facing the lion easier, less strenght wasted beforehand if you like. I have no great proof, only when my spine acts up and I do eventually sleep, the old dreams return with more vivid upsetting clarity, and during the day I'm more sensitive to triggers. Maybe that's just me.

Pardon me if I've misunderstood.

I agree it is the whole person, and the environment in which they live, that needs tender care.

You are getting there, and reacting to dates a huge hurdle that gets better (better still if you an prepare in advance, As an example I'll plan on going to the movies -a trivial thing but helps.).

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Terese~

Thank you for your post, it takes a great deal for a person who has tried to cope with matters all alone to break the habit of so many years and touch another. I'd hope it was a beginning.

Although you have doubtless thought of what I'm about to say you can hear another say it now. You will have wondered how your daughter is now, happy/unhappy kids/no kids / career health etc and how her character developed and how she sees life - but you have no way to know.

So your mind returns to the start - in the eighties, a different time from now in many ways. Thus the loss, grief, in all probability guilt are all constantly refreshed.

You have learned to live with that, but know there can be more to your life. You are no "Miss Haversham", perpetually siting at a wedding table never to be used with all clocks stopped, but are nevertheless a person who has lived with a great and constant weight.

I'm so pleased you have decided you will make "striving to make 2020 my year to focus on good mental health"

May I ask what your plans are?

Croix

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Terese,

I just wanted to reach out with a heart felt hug.

I lost my only baby to forced adoption when I was 15 years old - there were no choices offered to me for my beautiful little son and I to stay together. Was sent back to school shortly after the birth, numb, disorientated and shamed.

We just had to learn to live with a massive hole in our hearts didn’t we?

It’s beyond words really.

Bit here we are today, still standing 💕

Our life experience is not one that is readily understood.

I don’t want to ask too many questions, as I don’t know your current circumstances... but please, if you want to talk and share about your story, your feelings, anything...I’m listening dear.

[Pineapple_patch]

Hi Croix,

I am not sure I have formulated a plan as yet. I think i am in a searching faze and I hope to build links to sources of support that I can call I when I need them. Build my resilience.

Regards

[Pineapple_patch]

Thank you so much for the hug.

I so sorry that this happened to you, as I am for myself and you have described the experience well. My family put a lot of effort into keeping up appearances, i am ashamed to say that I conformed to this and tried to pretend for a long time that nothing was missing. I remember telling myself to just pull my socks on and get on with things. So much shame that I still feel today. Seems ridiculous to me now in the scheme of life.

I think what I need now more than anything to just to have the truth acknowledged - both within myself and without. The reality of adoption for birth parents/families is not readily understood and thus not easy to share.

Wishing you a happy mothers day for tomorrow.

Regards

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Pineapple,

When I first started ‘waking up’ to what happened to me..to my baby...I was just 38-40 yrs old. A friend who was adopted urged me to find my adult son. I had to face a thawing out of buried emotion that was....so hard, no words really. Do you know what I mean?

That’s over 20 years ago now - and somehow, looking back, I realise that my numbness was a psychological protection from the day I left hospital without my baby.

I was able to see him for six weeks as he was cared for in a foster home, before being taken to his permanent adoptive home.

I’d catch two buses after school and at weekends, just to have a cuddle, to just soak up as much of him as I could, to keep a bit of him....to deeply imprint those memories in my heart.

So in many ways he stayed with me, my ghost baby.

So, the years passed and I lived, and to be honest, I lived well-ish.

I was protected by a sense of surreal numbness. But of course, over the years, the grief and pain would spill out, around ‘anniversaries’, around the day he was adopted, the day he was taken.

The anniversaries hit hard don’t they?

Most years I’d have a special lunch date with a friend, or a date with myself, a day by the sea, in a park.

I just wanted to mourn and celebrate at the same time - you know?

Most years, I’d drink my way through those anniversary periods/days, in a mess, in hope, in tender love for my ‘boy’ - wherever he was.

Back in the 90s and through to perhaps just 10 years ago, there were many active support groups on the Internet.

In Oz, there was ‘Origins’ and globally there were others that have since fizzled out. I’ve been fortunate to make two lifelong friends through those past days of forum interaction.

We’d write our hearts out in the forums, gather in chat-rooms.

We were hearing each other, we were giving voice to something we hadn’t been able to express anywhere in our lives.

The guilt and shame was heaped on us when we were just young girls, the secrecy, the madness of it all.

If you haven’t seen it already, I’d recommend watching former PM Julia Gillard deliver a national apology to birthmothers and adopted people who were hurt by practices of the past.
It was, for me and many other Mothers I know, empowering.

I’ll come back later with some links to resources, if that’s helpful? I need to do some hunting around, as I’ve been out of the loop re using adoption support groups for a few years now. There WILL be help out there.

It’s going to be OK.

With kind regards,

Phoebe.

[PhoebeWings]

Hi again,

Terese, you may wonder if the term ‘forced adoption’ as outlined in Julia Gillard’s speech applies to you, if you feel that somehow you were fully compliant in the decision.

Well, the circumstances, society and family pressure forced us.

Adoption was sold as a truly loving ‘sacrifice’ - a beautiful outcome for the baby.

We just did what we felt we had to do. We had no idea what that meant really.

You are blameless.

You are without shame.

You were shaped by the force of society, family - and once you stepped on the adoption path, it just takes you.

I truly hope for a better year for you, for some healing and self compassion.

💐