Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

[Navy_Blue]

Hello, I am new to this game however I am relieved to have found the confidence to reach out for help and support. I have been an officer in the ADF for over 15 years, I am married with three beautiful young children who are my everything.I had battled depression and anxiety (and to an extent still do) shortly after returning from military deployments and at the time could not place a finger on the causes of my feelings of self worthlessness, lack of self esteem and general daily sadness. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD and through this discovery a whole can of worms opened on several other self confidence issues and fears came into light.I am still being treated on AD but still experience bad days. To complicate and compound things more for me I am 40 years old and am just starting recovery for my second total hip replacement.My first was done 8 months ago.I have a lot on my plate and with a young family prioritising which area to focus on first is difficult as unfortunately they all feel as though one effects the other.After several years of trying to be a man and block it all away, I finally broke down and opened up and spoke in depth with my wife.Several reasons preventedd me from doing this earlier, (the PTSD issue) mainly the national security and secrecy act, but the fear of discussing my depression and anxiety with her were mainly from a fear of not being strong enough as a man or being inadequate in many ways.I still get PTSD triggers on a daily basis and as a rely I'm way over protective with my kids along with a lengthy list of other self negativity.The strong fear of not being man enough to cope with this stuff has severley effected my self confidence and I contantly feel inadequate as a man, husband and father.The fact I have 2 new shiny hips hasn't helped me in this department either.As a people pleaser in general, I am anxious that I am not good enough for my wife and that I am no longer seen as sexually attractive, strong (both physically and mentally) and fail to compare in any shape or form to her previous relationships. She remained in contact with some of her previous partners, which I have since explained hurts me, and she has promised to cease all contact.I can function sexually but she seems uninterested in any intamacy anymore. This just feeds my fears of inadequacy and self worthlessness. Just wanted to vent, looks like I have overshot my characters left... Thanks for listening, I might try and do this again soon. Cheers.

[Navy_Blue]

Hello Elizabeth CP,firstly thank you for your reply and caring words.Finding others who can relate to what I am feeling and experiencing has lessened a massive weight from my mind. Without encroaching into your personal or emotional space I am wondering if you can share or pass on some suggestions as how best I try and explain/discuss my triggers clearly with my wife?I have tried several times,however,whether the time was just not right (it is hard finding a free moment with three children under the age of 6),or I was just not in the right frame of mind to discuss something so heavy I have either retreated back into my shell or just left the room an emotional wreck and wanted to be left alone.I am more than aware of the perception that men don't cry nor should they fess up to emotional issues and I guess having had a career for over 15 years in the military has instilled this notion further into my thought process.Experiencing what I did during my deployment has just shattered all forms of my self confidence as being that stereo typical strong big man,it has brought out a swagger of mentally crushing insecurities within me about my mental strength,my bodily physique as a man and I constantly question myself/self doubt myself as not being good enough or no longer loveable or desired. As a woman, may I as your opinion on something - as a neutral party - as I am petrified to discuss this with my wife in fear how she may respond/react.I will not be offended if you choose not to respond as I am even petrified of asking someone I don't know or will never meet.Here goes,in not being able to save the lives of some children or other personnel at the time of my triggering incident,and God help me it was not without trying,does this make me a lesser man,or appear a pathetic man in a woman's eyes/mind?I do feel a failure and not strong enough,it feels like every part of me as a man is small and inadequate - I am terrified by this in how I am seen not only by my wife but by everyone who looks me.As a woman,would the above feelings/insecurities I am feeling make you not love or sexually desire a man anymore?I am not the brave courageous sexy hero that I want to be for my wife.I risked everything that fateful day,yet I am left constantly questioning myself where and how I failed these innocent people.I have always tried to be an honourable man,I just hope my exposed emotional weaknesses are not seen to make me a lesser man physically or sexually in my wife's eyes.

[Navy_Blue]

Hey WarHog, great advice from MarkJT'a post. He has also made some very helpful and enlightening suggestions towards my own journey toward recovery from PTSD. If indeed you are or were a serving ADF member (like me), there are ways around discussing your triggering event without disclosing classified or compartmentalised information. I was able to do it, although it did take some time, a lot of trust and most importantly finding the right psych/counsellor in which you feel comfortable and safe and trust opening up to. My triggering event too was heavily classified, but like my psych said "he didn't need to know the classified stuff, just the general stuff skirting around the classified details". There are "cleared" psychs through ADF - just depends on level of compartments, or in my opinion if you would feel more comfortable speaking without someone outside the organisation. For me personally this was the better option as it was a fresh slate, no perceived opinions or potential bias against what I was opening up to. In the end it is your choice. Believe me there is no need to feel afraid or ashamed of what you have been through. The sooner you open up and let it out the better. In saying that I did still experience some very dark days and thoughts. Please consult a GP to, as (not saying you need them) but ADs may be helpful and having a GP aware of your situation will provide you with a further safety net. Without fully understanding you circumstances but if you have family or extremely close friends reaching out (not necessarily in full detail - only what you feel comfortable disclosing) will also be a great safety net for yourself and possibly help you move forward in confidence of discussing the issues at hand. Easier said than done, I know, it took me years to get where I am now and I still don't feel close to being "fixed"! But, just in opening up to my psych and now using this forum I am really starting to feel some self control and empowerment on actually getting on top of this. Stay on the forum if you can, I already have been given invaluable advice, support and found that there are so many others like us who generally care. Good luck and if there is anything else I can do to offer advice from an ADF or security nature(if this is the case), please do not hesitate to ask - just keep the info sanitised as best you can and avoid veiled speech if you can. Cheers, Navy Blue

[Navy_Blue]

Hey WarHog, great advice from MarkJT'a post. He has also made some very helpful and enlightening suggestions towards my own journey toward recovery from PTSD. If indeed you are or were a serving ADF member (like me), there are ways around discussing your triggering event without disclosing classified or compartmentalised information. I was able to do it, although it did take some time, a lot of trust and most importantly finding the right psych/counsellor in which you feel comfortable and safe and trust opening up to. My triggering event too was heavily classified, but like my psych said "he didn't need to know the classified stuff, just the general stuff skirting around the classified details". There are "cleared" psychs through ADF - just depends on level of compartments, or in my opinion if you would feel more comfortable speaking without someone outside the organisation. For me personally this was the better option as it was a fresh slate, no perceived opinions or potential bias against what I was opening up to. In the end it is your choice. Believe me there is no need to feel afraid or ashamed of what you have been through. The sooner you open up and let it out the better. In saying that I did still experience some very dark days and thoughts. Please consult a GP to, as (not saying you need them) but ADs may be helpful and having a GP aware of your situation will provide you with a further safety net. Without fully understanding you circumstances but if you have family or extremely close friends reaching out (not necessarily in full detail - only what you feel comfortable disclosing) will also be a great safety net for yourself and possibly help you move forward in confidence of discussing the issues at hand. Easier said than done, I know, it took me years to get where I am now and I still don't feel close to being "fixed"! But, just in opening up to my psych and now using this forum I am really starting to feel some self control and empowerment on actually getting on top of this. Stay on the forum if you can, I already have been given invaluable advice, support and found that there are so many others like us who generally care. Good luck and if there is anything else I can do to offer advice from an ADF or security nature(if this is the case), please do not hesitate to ask - just keep the info sanitised as best you can and avoid veiled speech if you can. Cheers, Navy Blue

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks for your reply. I will try to answer as best as I can but I am not your wife so I can't guarantee how she will react. Personally I would prefer my husband to open up & explain his feelings rather than put on a front of being strong & macho. There have been times my husband has tried to put on a front due to issues he has had & not wanting to upset me or put extra pressure on me. I found that really hard to deal with and much preferred it when he was honest. At least then we could work together to deal with the problems. ( my husband has a chronic disease which has had a huge impact on his ability to do things most men can do. Rather than seeing him as weak due to his disability I respect him & see him as courageous because of the way he finds ways to manage as effectively as possible despite his increasing level of disability.

It has taken time for me to be able to open up about my problems. I find it essential to be in a reasonable frame of mind to be able to discuss things. I have said I need to explain what is happening to me so you understand but can we do that later when I've calmed down, or the kids are in bed or whatever needs to happen to allow you to talk more freely. Because I had so much trouble explaining things properly to my husband (some attempts ended in arguments as he didn't react the way I wanted which caused me to overreact) I asked my psychologist for help. I had developed a good relationship with my psych so I could trust him. My psych spoke to my husband explaining what was going on & then spoke to us together so we were all on the same page. It will take time & she probably will never fully understand what it is like for you as triggers can be so illogical. She probably doesn't need to know all the details of what happened but she needs to understand that things which remind you of the event cause extreme reactions.

You said I risked everything that fateful day, yet I am left constantly questioning myself where and how I failed these innocent people''. Thinking you are a lesser man because you didn't save everyone is the PTSD not reality. The reality is that you did everything you possibly could. No decent person would look down on you or see you as less of a man. I have struggled with feelings of guilt & inferiority because I did nothing to help on the day of the trauma which affected me so I can understand where your negative feelings come from. I hope this helps in some way.

Opening up is hard but worth it

[Navy_Blue]

Thank you so much for your open and honest post. Pretty much everything you said rang true. We've had arguments as I tried to explain things that must seem illogical to my wife and in turn I have shut her out in subsequent attempts in opening up. I can now see how difficult it was/still is for her to understand. Do you think it would be worthwhile me suggesting she join this BB organisation? I haven't looked into it but there must be threads and support for those who are not directly suffering PTSD but those who deal with the aftermath and care for their loved ones... Do you think this is something I should suggest or do you think this may just confuse or inflame things? I have spoken to her in some detail of the traumatic event,but left a lot out more to protect her or take her into that horrible place.I understand what you say about it is the PTSD not reality causing my guilt and low self esteem issues, I just can't seem to seperate the two and my thought process is cyclic in a way.I am currently undergoing treatment in ways to manage my triggers which is mentally draining and not easy to do while recovering from hip surgery and in addition of being a father figure in a young family. I will continue to try as I want this poison out of my life ok'd not fully out at least controllable. I find your comments and support like a breath of fresh air and with no pressure intended would love to keep hearing from you over my journey. It is a long road ahead, but as I keep discovering (especially through this forum) I do not need to walk it alone. Thanking you again for everything.

[1113]

Hi navyblue,

How are things going?

Six

[Green_Genie]

Hi Everyone. Have just read your posts and realized that I'm not isolated in the way I feel right now. I'm a freelance writer and have worn many other hats including running my own business for 9 years. I'm the Green GEnie lol minus harem pants and veil :-]. Recently I had a huge fight ? with my girlfriend and now we aren't seeing each other and I feel distance between us. I thought she was picking on me for various things but after talking with her on the phone I realized that it was my fault. Sometimes if I'm stressed I become kind of - disconnected. I can still function and to the world at large I guess I look and act normal. Inside me it's a different matter. I feel like I want to run but instead just shut down. People can be talking to me but I get engrossed in whatever I'm doing at that time and just don't hear them. I'm a real softie and a very feeling person but when these episodes happen I just don't feel. It's like talking in the cone of silence to a deaf person who can't sign language. My girlfriend said I'm hyperactive and manic and snappy when questioned during these episodes. A few days before this latest episode I was talking to her about an awful period of my life where my Mother, My best friend of 33 years and my partner all died within 18 months of each other. I left my high profile job and because of an immigration / centrelink dept stuff up I couldn't either work or claim the dole. Looking back I drank whatever and whenever I could and didn't cry for any of them. It was just too much so I guess I shut something down. I was severely physically abused as a child from as far back as I can remember until the age of about 15. I left home at 18 and got married , partly I believe to just get away from my abusive father. I have had a few relationships and although people are attracted to me and I'm a very attentive and loving partner in the long term they don't work. It has always been me who has called it quits. My most recent relationship is very important to me and I want to do everything I can to keep it. Has anyone got any suggestions? This is the first time I've opened up and talked in this way besides to my girlfriend.

[Green_Genie]

Oh, I almost forgot. I wrote a poem when I hit my lowest spot. I'm a Freelance Writer - mags, assignments, poems , etc. Writing helps me to make some kind of sense of stuff happening around and to me. A few of my friends have said that they keep this poem around because they can identify with it. If it gets printed and helps any one at all I'm happy.

Cheers,

Green Genie

Don't

Don't listen to cruel mind whispers
Drive out the demons that wring your soul
You don't have to feel good
Feeling something is the key
Don't put out hopes light
Let it burn within your personal darkness
Be afraid to die
Just not afraid to live
Don't lay your weary body
On a mattress made of grief
Pick up the stone of courage
Shatter the windows that block your sunshine
Don't push away the one called Love
Let me kiss your sad mouth
I want you here beside me
Open your heart and let me in

[Tank_Girl]

Hi Navy Blue, I have only just joined in on Forums
What you went thru was horrendous and please know that people like me do how strong and caring a man you really are. In answer to your question, as a woman I would find your openness and truthfulness refreshing and see it as honesty, which is what most people want in a relationship. I see no reason why a woman who loves you and found you sexy before you opened up would change her mind. It is hard for man and woman to open up and say what we are truly feeling inside, but it is the stronger and smarter person who does it.
Suggestion.....Make a date with your wife, take her somewhere you can be alone and talk.

[pipsy]

Hi Green Genie. Love the name. To start with none of the above is your fault. When we have several severe traumatic events, one after another, our minds can't always absorb what's happened. You lost your mum, best friend and partner all in one hit. To accept losing one person close to you is hard, but to lose 3 would be devastating. Even if your gf is aware of your tragic loss, her inability to understand your grief is understandable due to the fact that it is your loss. It seems that you could also have a form of PTSD which put simply, means you are having difficulty adjusting, therefore you're lashing out. You try to 'act normal', but your losses are very real and painful. Not being able to talk to your gf or someone else who could help you come to terms with your losses means, to you, you feel isolated in your grief. Grieving takes many forms and involves anger/denial/hurt/betrayal. All of these feelings need to be accepted before you can start the healing process. When we grieve and hold it in, the wrong word said by accident, wrong look, can cause incredible destructive feelings which means we lash out without wanting to. There is no 'set' time for how long it takes for the grieving to get to the point where the pain becomes less. Some people never stop grieving. Also grief takes many different paths. Closing down when your gf says something that hurts you is a normal part of grief. Perhaps you could try writing to her and explain you're grieving for the losses you've experienced. Your poem above is beautiful, but your gf if she reads that, may not understand what you are trying to say. Sometimes we have to put into words that we are hurting/grieving etc. If you write/email rather than phone her, you can tell her in your own time, rather than talking which can be hard. Putting it on paper means we concentrate more, and don't have to 'wing it' with talking. Also emailing/writing means no fear of either of you disconnecting. When you write/email, tell her you love her and neither of you are at fault. There is no fault here, just a misunderstanding on both sides.

Lynda