Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

[Navy_Blue]

Hello, I am new to this game however I am relieved to have found the confidence to reach out for help and support. I have been an officer in the ADF for over 15 years, I am married with three beautiful young children who are my everything.I had battled depression and anxiety (and to an extent still do) shortly after returning from military deployments and at the time could not place a finger on the causes of my feelings of self worthlessness, lack of self esteem and general daily sadness. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD and through this discovery a whole can of worms opened on several other self confidence issues and fears came into light.I am still being treated on AD but still experience bad days. To complicate and compound things more for me I am 40 years old and am just starting recovery for my second total hip replacement.My first was done 8 months ago.I have a lot on my plate and with a young family prioritising which area to focus on first is difficult as unfortunately they all feel as though one effects the other.After several years of trying to be a man and block it all away, I finally broke down and opened up and spoke in depth with my wife.Several reasons preventedd me from doing this earlier, (the PTSD issue) mainly the national security and secrecy act, but the fear of discussing my depression and anxiety with her were mainly from a fear of not being strong enough as a man or being inadequate in many ways.I still get PTSD triggers on a daily basis and as a rely I'm way over protective with my kids along with a lengthy list of other self negativity.The strong fear of not being man enough to cope with this stuff has severley effected my self confidence and I contantly feel inadequate as a man, husband and father.The fact I have 2 new shiny hips hasn't helped me in this department either.As a people pleaser in general, I am anxious that I am not good enough for my wife and that I am no longer seen as sexually attractive, strong (both physically and mentally) and fail to compare in any shape or form to her previous relationships. She remained in contact with some of her previous partners, which I have since explained hurts me, and she has promised to cease all contact.I can function sexually but she seems uninterested in any intamacy anymore. This just feeds my fears of inadequacy and self worthlessness. Just wanted to vent, looks like I have overshot my characters left... Thanks for listening, I might try and do this again soon. Cheers.

[MarkJT]

Navy Blue, first off, thank you for your service. Awesome that you have reached out and posted. Great stuff. That's what the forums are here for.

I am a police officer who has had PTSD, depression and anxiety for a number of years. My triggering incident was in 2003 and was hospitalised in 2013. At this time, I had no resilience, no confidence, no decision making ability and no self worth so to an extent have walked in your shoes.

In time and with the right treatment you will once again get back to who you want to be. It takes time, you need to give yourself time. There is no easy fix to PTSD.

I did a stack of exposure therapy and a tonne of psychotherapy. I spilled my guts, didn't hold back. Got the poison (PTSD) pretty much out of me. I still suffer regular flashbacks but they have no power over me now due to the exposure therapy.

I practise mindfulness daily. If you have not heard of mindfulness, research it, do a course on it, download some apps that assist you with it and absolutely do it. To me it is a non negotiable. I love it as when i feel depressive or anxious, it helps calm me right down.

Being from the military, much like my work, there are long standing ideas that men don't cry, men don't talk about feelings and men are tough. I say that it takes more courage to open up and speak about mental health than it does to push it aside. Anyone that says you are weak, ask them if our SAS or US SEALs/Delta etc are weak? The obvious answer would be, no they are not. Follow that up with, Well how come they also get PTSD? The moral of this story is that you are not weak, not in any sense of the word. You have deployed which says you are chocker block with courage. Much respect.

No one is immune from mental health issues and to be the best husband/father you can be, you need to get yourself right. You will have to get a little bit selfish until such time that you are who you want to be or well on the way to being that. Are you seeing a psych? You are on AD's so i assume you are. Is this ongoing? How are you tackling your triggers? Really important to get a handle on triggers as you cannot outrun them and unless you are going to box yourself in somewhere, you will get triggered somewhere/sometime.

Would love to hear back to see how you are going.

Cheers

Mark.

[Elizabeth CP]

Good luck with this journey (Learning to deal with PTSD is a journey or roller coaster ride) My experience is different to yours as mine stems from a very traumatic event which happened when I was 10 but like you I didn't talk about it for decades. It was too painful to talk about it so noone in my family ever talked about it A few years ago I had to see my GP to request a medical certificate after some serious triggers made it impossible for me to cope. This was the first time I had told anyone what was happening. I was lucky he had been through a related experience & shared some of his feelings. Not in any detail but enough for me to feel he understood me and he was able to help me feel that my feelings were a normal reaction to a terrible experience. I still have very strong reactions to some triggers and that will probably stay for the rest of my life. I also go overboard 'keeping myself safe in'threatening situations' but at least now my husband understands what is happening and will encourage me to do what is necessary to feel & be safe. I shared this with you to encourage you to reach out to your wife so she can understand & support you as far as possible & to encourage you to reach out for professional help & to others who may have experienced similar things to you. Dealing with the triggers is hard enough without the negative self talk (putting yourself down because you overreact or can't control your feelings & these lead to feeling worthless as a partner or parent) I hope you can keep talking to your wife & both can learn to enjoy life (together with the new shiny hips). My husband became blind several years ago. This means he can no longer do many things he used to do & badly affected his image of himself as a man, husband etc. He tried to compensate by doing as much as he could sometimes not being sensible & putting himself at risk but we have gradually adapted so I let him do what he can so he feels useful. My son asks him to help particularly when he needs someone with strength but where he doesn't need his sight. Obviously we would both prefer he was still able to see but we have learnt to make the best of the situation. Similarly you will learn to adapt to your limitations due to your new hips & will learn that being a man or husband or father is not dependent of having a perfect body or mind.

I hope what I have said makes sense. I just wanted you to know I cared & things can improve

[1113]

Hi Navy blue

You should give yourself a big pat on the back mate. What you have been through is a painful experience mentally and physically. I take pride in the fact that I keep moving even though it's extremely hard. Strength is an admiral quality.

Keep your chin up

1113

[Navy_Blue]

Hi everyone,wow thank you for such quick responses.I had no idea that firstly anyone would read my post or even better take the time to respond. So thank you! I haven't heard of exposure therapy,but will research it and ask my counsellor.My wife has just got me started on mindfulness and we have started to practice it together.Sadly I have not got control on my triggers yet and it feels like such a long road ahead in being able to do so.To give you some kind of idea of some,I am petrified of filling the car with fuel or being anywhere near the smell of diesel,as the smell of diesel sends me into onset of panic about getting my loved ones to a safe place and some times I shutdown with strong flashbacks until someone brings me out of it.Like you and my psych said,I can't out run my triggers (and diesel fumes is not the only trigger) so I guess it is just time and trying to realise that I am no longer in danger, and my children are not in any danger of being harmed - I still can't shake the memories or random flashbacks of the event and the aftermath.I'm a fairly sensitive soul and maybe due to this personal characteristic I carry a lot of guilt of not being able to save everyone and a huge sense of self failure has bestowed upon me.I guess I overcompensate this now in being far too overprotective of my children, which the makes me feel worse as I am stopping them from being just that - children.Sometimes I wish I could be that alpha male,strong,nothing bothers or scares me,filled with the power that I am seen as the big man.I am not that,nor do I really want to be that,I just want to be a father that my children love and are proud of.A husband who also is loved and desired. At this point in time I don't feel any of this or fail to see it. No doubt I am sure it is all there, I am just blind to it right now.I can't thank you and the others here on this forum for your understanding and genuine caring advice.I was worried about reaching out into cyber world but so far it looks like being one of the best mechanisms regarding my PTSD that I could have done, wow what a relief!I Now I need to engage more with my wife about my insecurity - really not sure how to overcome this fear and it feels as if this is the one that saddens me the most - just another level of failure.Albeit there are no explosions,there are no screams,no foul smells of diesel and burning flesh,there is just me failing to be her big strong man and a fear of her no longer loving me or desiring me.

[WarHog]

I haven't actually been diagnosed with PTSD but I have been showing most of the symptoms for just over a year. I don't get a heap of dreams about the event but i get consistent flashbacks and i zone out for ages. I will open up here and say that the moment stuff went down the drain for me was when i was getting questioned by police. They tried to get me to admit to a series of robberies(which i was not involved in just for the record) with what seemed like an unprofessional way to deal with the situation. then later i was told that speaking out about what happened (which is what initially caused me to become like this) would be "very illegal" so how am I meant to get help if i am by law not aloud to? I honestly don't know how to deal with anything. Im always getting pulled back to the moment and having a series of alternative endings to the outcome of the situation. I don't think i go a day without thinking about the whole thing. I don't know what to call it. If anyone has any experience with ptsd would you call my situation. (I know ot sounds pathetic but i am only showing what i can without making it obvious to any *)&$@7&$@$ authorities catching me talking about this. I don't know where to go

[MarkJT]

Navy blue, exposure therapy is tough to go through, real tough but if i was to re-lapse today, i would do it tomorrow. Speak to your psych about it and if you do agree to undertake a course of it, make sure that you have a good trust level in him or her, as you are going to deliberately trigger yourself massive so to have a trusted psych there is paramount to help you come back to earth. Also have a look at EMDR. A mate of mine is doing that with pretty good results. Also highly confronting but hey if it works, it is worth it.

Don't rush your recovery. You only want to do this once so take your time. Yes you want to be recovered as in yesterday but it will not happen that quick. You have to build the foundation and then when that is stable, then you move on to the next chapter. If you can learn mindfulness this will hold you in really good stead. I was able to deliberately trigger myself (in a controlled way and in a safe environment) so that i could then practice controlling the trigger. All because i learnt techniques to settle myself down. Music is the best and easiest for me.

It is a long road ahead but one that as each step goes by, your resilience improves, your knowledge of your triggers improves, your ability to concentrate improves, your relationships improve and you start to become you again. I am actually thankful for the journey that i went on. It has made me so much more aware of me.

Have you linked in with anymore DVA support groups or the RSL, SoliderOn, Mates4Mates or the kind? Having contact with other ADF members with PTSD would be very helpful for you.

Cheers

Mark.

[MarkJT]

WarHog, I think the first thing you need to do is go to your GP and discuss your health. Probably get a referral to a psych. At least if you get a formal diagnoses then you can begin the recovery as you will know exactly what you are dealing with. Having flashbacks are incredibly hard and take so much mental energy to deal with. If you can take action against the flashbacks via clinical means then you will be so much better off.

Can't really comment on the other matters as it is to cryptic to understand. You have explained why but perhaps give the beyondblue helpline a ring on 1300 224 636 and discuss it with them? Either way you need to have your mental health dealt with. Book in to the GP and begin your recovery.

With the name WarHog, are you current or former ADF? If you are, perhaps like above, get linked in the SoldierOn or mates4mates etc.

Hope that you continue to post here, there are so many that are willing to help in any way we can.

Cheers

Mark.

[1113]

I was diagnosed with PTSD. Seen a lot of pain. But it manifested itself into major/serve/clinical or just plain depression at the end of the day. Its a tough road to travel and you sound like you have your priorities right. 👍I am new here too and feel as surprised as you just how opening up and not being judged is comforting.

[MarkJT]

1113, brilliant to read your last post. Always great when the realisation sinks in that anyone and everyone is supported in a completely judgment free forum. This allows people to feel confident in opening up and when you open up, the real road to recovery begins. So exciting this is to see. Just love watching people beginning the journey to smiling again.

Cheers

Mark.