Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

[Navy_Blue]

Hello, I am new to this game however I am relieved to have found the confidence to reach out for help and support. I have been an officer in the ADF for over 15 years, I am married with three beautiful young children who are my everything.I had battled depression and anxiety (and to an extent still do) shortly after returning from military deployments and at the time could not place a finger on the causes of my feelings of self worthlessness, lack of self esteem and general daily sadness. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD and through this discovery a whole can of worms opened on several other self confidence issues and fears came into light.I am still being treated on AD but still experience bad days. To complicate and compound things more for me I am 40 years old and am just starting recovery for my second total hip replacement.My first was done 8 months ago.I have a lot on my plate and with a young family prioritising which area to focus on first is difficult as unfortunately they all feel as though one effects the other.After several years of trying to be a man and block it all away, I finally broke down and opened up and spoke in depth with my wife.Several reasons preventedd me from doing this earlier, (the PTSD issue) mainly the national security and secrecy act, but the fear of discussing my depression and anxiety with her were mainly from a fear of not being strong enough as a man or being inadequate in many ways.I still get PTSD triggers on a daily basis and as a rely I'm way over protective with my kids along with a lengthy list of other self negativity.The strong fear of not being man enough to cope with this stuff has severley effected my self confidence and I contantly feel inadequate as a man, husband and father.The fact I have 2 new shiny hips hasn't helped me in this department either.As a people pleaser in general, I am anxious that I am not good enough for my wife and that I am no longer seen as sexually attractive, strong (both physically and mentally) and fail to compare in any shape or form to her previous relationships. She remained in contact with some of her previous partners, which I have since explained hurts me, and she has promised to cease all contact.I can function sexually but she seems uninterested in any intamacy anymore. This just feeds my fears of inadequacy and self worthlessness. Just wanted to vent, looks like I have overshot my characters left... Thanks for listening, I might try and do this again soon. Cheers.

[Green_Genie]

Hi Linda,

Thank You so very much for your reply. You're a wise lady and what you have said about grief is true. I did cry and begin to grieve when Mum went but then when my bf Kaz went then followed by my partner Jodie I just seemed to stop feeling. I didn't cry and instead just threw myself into work. I would work until I hurt so much physically that I'd pass out when I got home. I now realize that this is a coping skill [ albeit negative one ] that I used as a child to escape hurt. I'd just shut off. My beautiful girl and I are now talking and she is absolutely amazing with her support but in the end I know it comes down to me looking after me. So now, the next step is to seek help and try to make some sense of my multiple coping issues. I also realize I need to grieve for my loss. Thank You so much for your support. It's so nice to know someone gets it. Cheers, Mich { Green Genie } :-]

[pipsy]

Hi Mich. Remember, to take it slow. Don't take on outside pressures to 'get over it'. People who have never experienced loss or grief will often say things they think are supportive. These people do mean well, however their words hurt because it's like adding salt. If you can find a grief counsellor (one that understands where you are in your grief), it would be beneficial. However, anytime you need to talk and you feel isolated, alone, we're here. Most of us have experienced intense grief and loss so we understand the pain.

Lynda

[Green_Genie]

Hey Lynda. All you have said rings very true to me. The weird thing is that the pain hits the worst when I don't expect it. It's not like there's a trigger you know? I can be in the line at the shops and will just feel so incredibly sad I have to leave without my shopping for fear of bursting into tears or crawling into a corner. I have always been the person others come to for support and advice ...ironic isn't it lol. Thank you so much. It means a lot to know I have you guys on my side. I don't want to rely on meds and am instead trying to develop coping techniques. I will look into a grief counsellor and am seeing a psych to get a proper diagnosis. Know thine enemy and all that. Your caring goes both ways so please feel free to talk to me whenever you like. Cheers, Mich :-]

[pipsy]

Hi Mich. Often standing in a line of people causes incredible fear of being alone in a crowd You are vulnerable and feel alone therefore, panic sets in and you need to find your safety zone - fast. This is a form of PTSD at it's severest. It could be you stood in a queue with your mum, as a child. So standing in a queue now brings the memory back. As a child, mum would've protected you, now you feel unprotected, the queue is scary because you are alone. The people are unknown, the 'child' in you becomes panicky, scared. The strong urge to run for cover sets in, you want to go somewhere safe. It's highly possible you may not recall actually standing in a queue. As we grow, many seemingly insignificant things happen, that later, following traumatic events (death of a loved one) something will cause a repressed memory to surface and panic sets in when we feel alone and scared. Whether you actually recall what's triggered your unpleasant memory, is not necessary. The thing to do now is to the next time you start feeling panicky, unable to breathe whatever, I suggest you try to sit down somewhere, concentrate on your breathing, if possible, close your eyes. Once you get your breathing slowed and your heart stops palpitating, try to focus on something that makes you smile. If you are in a queue, even if you are in a supermarket, ask somebody who works in the shop for assistance. If necessary, tell them you feel faint, tell them you need air. Never be ashamed to admit you require assistance.

These are some techniques that have been known to help.

Lynda

PTSD knows no mercy, it sucks. I have it and I've had to learn coping techniques.

[Croix]

Dear Navy Blue,
I was invalided out of the police many years ago due to stress related disorders. Flashbacks, no sex, disabling physical symptoms, inability to react properly to the world around me and poor decision making and so on were my problems.

Even after all this time I’m not exactly 100 percent but I get by pretty well. I do know my recovery was based on several things, my psychiatrist, some of the medications, my own mental resources building slowly up over time and most importantly a very supportive partner.

It had been very much a learning experience for both of us, my partner being handicapped by my not being able to explain things – at first not explaining anything at all. My inexplicable and often inappropriate behavior lead to a great many misunderstandings and to a lot of completely wrong self-blame on her part.

Just one simple example of this would be she blamed herself for the lack of sex.

Looking back it was a fundamental error on my part not to have her understand as much as possible as soon as possible. I should have talked, if I could not talk I should have written. If I could not write I should have both encouraged, rather than discouraged, her to visit with my psychiatrist, and should probably also have put her in touch with the partners of 2 other officers who suffered the same fate as myself at around the same time.

Even a simple thing like my partner early on knowing triggers and trying to avoid situations where they are more likely to occur would have been more than helpful.

As time went on and she came to understand the situations more completely her understanding was a help to me when I was undergoing a bad time - I did not have to explain. She told me her understanding was a help to her too, it became a set of recognizable problems that she could respond to, not a horrible mystery.

I think that having your partner look at beyondblue could be a help.

You have my very best wishes, and my assurance that there is a far end to the tunnel.

Croix.

[Navy_Blue]

Hello Tank Girl, thank you for your post and soothing words, they meant a lot, particularly coming from a woman's point of view. Since my original post I have regained loving communications with my wife, communication I had once thought was lost forever. We had a joint appointment with my psych (much to my terror), but found that experience opened her eyes and mind as to the meaning behind why I was feeling insecure, self doubting, internalising everything -PTSD. I have a long road ahead with getting on control of my triggers after the traumatic events, however now I have my wife by my side with some understanding as to what is going on in my mind at various times. I started a thread Am I Man Enough,which has opened my eyes even further to PTSD and it's horrific effects on not just the individual suffering it but those other people & families close to that individual. Worth a look if you get a chance, some powerful words and magical,connection within that thread. It has certainly helped me endlessly get to where I am or at least to where I am going. I can't change the events that happened that day, but to know not only from my wife but from other women, like yourself and men that there is a reassurance that it is OK to be feeling what I feel, that sadness, hopelessness, sense of failure and my fear of being seen weak or not a "man" is so far from being true. I thank you for your compassion and kind caring words of support. There is a wealth of it on here as I have recently discovered. Take care and please know this is a safe environment to vent or open up within. I have not seen your other posts, however if I can assist or just listen to your words for if only just comfort for you, please do not hesitate. Warm regards NB

[Navy_Blue]

Hi 1113, thank you for your concern and checking in! I am going along OK. I have as mentioned to Tank Girl started a thread called Am I man enough? Through this thread over time I have opened up further about PTSD and the fears that go with it as being a man. I have found this thread and BB in general such a help and the strong connections I have made through to other people just via words is truly empowering and amazing. I am a long way off being healed - if that ever fully does happen, but I am now walking in time, a slow march if you will allow me to say, with many other supporters close and afar by my side. Thanks again for writing back and I wish you all the very best. Cheers NB

[Navy_Blue]

Hi Croix, firstly thank you for your reply and advice. We seem to share a lot in common of past events. I read your words as if they were my own. I can however safely say I have my wife back and she now has some understanding of PTSD and is aware of some of my triggers, which not only helps me it helps us - together. I have a long road ahead, I have only really just started but knowing there are so many others that have been down that road, like yourself, and healed themselves to some degree is so very encouraging to know. I felt so alone and confused for so long but now pieces of the puzzle are slowly connecting and I am moving forward and I am not alone. Thanks again for your post and I wish you all the success and happiness in your recovery. Cheers NB

[Elizabeth CP]

I am really pleased you now have your wife's support & understanding and are feeling much better. You can't always avoid the triggers or deal with them effectively but having a partner who understands makes it so much easier. For example last year I was driving & encountered a very scary situation which took every bit of willpower to keep driving rather than react & probably put myself in a worse situation. My husband recognised what was happening & calmly told me to stop as soon as I felt safe. That brief statement was what I needed. Any reassurance would have just made me feel stupid for not coping better. Knowing he understood really helped & knowing I could stop when I felt safe without having to explain meant I could recover from the emotional stress in peace.

[Navy_Blue]

Hi Elizabeth CP, thank you again for your continued support. I am crying out for help in my other thread (regarding my triggers and controlling them) as my wife and I are trying to come up with the best phrase to explain to them why dad is sometimes the way he is. I have described this in more detail in a reply in the above mentioned thread. If you could please take a look and offer some help or advice I would be eternally grateful. I'm nodding off writing this one but I need you to know my heart is truly saddened by my actions when my children are around - I need help to resolve and ease this related pain. Thanking you again and hoping for a reply soon. Much love NB