Obsessive thoughts about trauma: Over 10 years of severe abuse from a parent

[lennon11]

Hi all, new here to the forum.

Over the past couple of months, I've had memories resurfacing about physical, sexual and emotional trauma that I experienced from my father for over 10 years while growing up. He had substance abuse problems and untreated mental illness which influenced the situation, as well.

Now I'm at a place where I'm basically thinking about the memories all the time. There are so many things that I am feeling and trying to piece together. I am also trying to make sense of why these things happened - what frame of mind he was in and such.

These obsessive and intrusive memories are basically starting to take over my life, specifically influencing my focus with work and school.

And it is all very isolating...I don't think anyone in my life would understand what happened or what I am going through now (nor should I expect them to). No one in my family knows what happened. I've told my partner and a couple of friends that I've been through abuse but haven't gone into much detail, basically for fear of overwhelming them. I've talked with a counselor a couple times but didn't find it completely helpful as it focused more about logistics of taking care of myself in general - I normally have a healthy lifestyle so that's not what I'm struggling with, it's the obsessive thoughts. And for reference, I've been on meds for bipolar for a while and have meds to spot treat anxiety, which generally work well. But these symptoms have been worse lately, as the ptsd has been worse.

Normally I wouldn't feel the need to talk about these things, but lately the trauma has been taking up most of my thoughts and attention. It can be difficult to not feel able to express what I'm really thinking and feeling to the people in my life.

I have tried to spend time sitting with these thoughts to process and feel. Obviously there is a lot that happened and my mind is trying to make sense of it all. But I can't just sit and think about it all of the time.

My coping lately has basically just been to distract myself. As soon as I stop focusing on something, then the traumatic memories tend to come back.

Just looking to see if anyone has similar experiences with obsessive/intrusive Ptsd thoughts. What do you do to handle them? Do you talk about your trauma with the people in your life?

Thanks very much.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Lennon

I think it's hard to invest too much in the process of seeking justice after abuse, we get scared we will not get a fair outcome

That said I think it can at times be valuable

Hope Ur OK

How are Ur nightmares?

[lennon11]

Thanks for your reply.

Engaging in that process (seeking justice) is my only option.

Nightmares and insomnia have been an issue. As well as self-harm ideation (I'm not at risk, and I've been dealing with these thoughts off and on for years so know how to manage them). Emotional flashbacks and intrusive memories have also been very frequent. I know it's getting intense again when I start getting frequently triggered by "normal" things ie., a dog barking in the distance, a certain kind of sink faucet. Small random things that remind me of my trauma, over and over and over.

I generally spend a decent amount of time on my own which has it's pros and cons but overall I enjoy it. Lately though I've been around people a lot more than usual, and am realising how much of an outsider I am. I feel more lonely being around people - like no one will ever be able to relate to me. Even people who I am close to...cannot phathom what I've been through, and still go through every day. Even in "open spaces" (like with doctors/therapists and this forum) I have a massively hard time opening up. The pain feels unrelatable and indescribable. I also feel a pressure to "bright side" things and be hopeful, which can be good. Deep down I am suffering though. There is a comic who talks about his experiences with depression and says it's not life-threatening, but it is life-dampening. That's a great way to describe it.

I've also noticed that other people have energy, are in seemingly good moods...day after day, most of the time? It is impressive to me and also makes me feel like I need to distance myself and hide away because I'm not at that level.

There have been a number of external triggers lately that have made my depression worse. And actually most of these external events have been neutral or positive...but the depression has come from the fact that even though these good things are happening, I'm not happy (but am very good at pretending to be). Work has also been overwhelming and I'm not coping with it very well as I've had trouble focusing and have been exhausted and unmotivated. I am thinking of taking a leave of absence in a couple of weeks.

I have a therapist apt. later this week. I've also been feeling drawn to volunteering. I get that it's probably coming from a place of me wanting to help someone even if I can't help myself and I should probably try to heal myself first. But still it's a positive impulse and could connect me more to the world. So we'll see.

[Croix]

Dear Lennon~

I can relate to all you say, however in one thing I think you have made the wrong assumption.

You do not have ot heal yourself before helping others. Helping is a healing process in itself, and if we all waited until that process had advanced none of us, myself in particular, would be here.

You are right it is most certainly a positive impulse.

Croix

[lennon11]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for that reminder.

I will think about what I might be able to do. Something in this area (mental health, trauma/crime victims, family/domestic violence) would feel the most meaningful, but it wouldn't necessarily have to be related to that.

I hope you've been going okay.

[Croix]

Dear Lennon11~

You might not have realized but you are already helping people. The details you provide about your own circumstances are more than enough to ring bells with many people.

It's not just the ones you talk with here. The vast majority of people who visit this site never post, so you do not know they are there.

They still gain benefit from your experiences.

Perhaps in time you might like ot talk direct to posters here who have been going though what you have, and sharing. That is another form of help and is what I do now.

Croix

[lennon11]

Wow that means a lot, thank you so much. I hope that my thoughts can help people. We can fumble our way through things together.

I am not out of the darkness yet. But I see more light than I did 20 years ago, and 10 years ago. That is worth something, absolutely. I truly couldn't imagine the life I have now all those years ago, and back then I was suffocating in darkness and had very very little hope.

Things are not perfect now, but I am out of that situation. And I am giving myself the chance to feel pain and to open up to others and to begin to heal even, something I never thought possible.

If my words can resonate with anyone out there and bring them some encouragement, then I feel comforted by that.

[Croix]

Dear Lennon11~

It is surprising what does help others.

One might think that simply recounting how bad things are might not aid, but it can. At the very least readers know they are not along in their circumstances, there are others too. I felt my mental health problems were just me until later when I found they were part of a well known pattern of symptoms.

Saying how you try to deal with them is great, even when you are not always successful. It gives others fresh ideas, and even if it did not work for you that does not mean it might not work for others, everyone is different after all.

As one reaches a certain stage in recovery once becomes an example of hope - a wonderful gift to gives other people.

So please never hesitate to post, as not only do you get personal replies, which I hope may help you, but you will help untold others too. Your experiences have great value

Croix

[lennon11]

Thank you very much for your kind words. I hope that others can be encouraged to share as well. Please feel free to share, what's been happening lately?

For me, I've been okay. Sleeping through the night for the first time in who knows how long! But having intense nightmares and waking up feeling panicky for the first hour or so. By the time I get out of bed I feel exhausted by how many traumatic instances I've thought about and all of the adrenaline (fight or flight type of feelings, etc) that has flooded my body. I've experienced such violence and horror in the past. I don't wish that pain on anyone but it would be nice if some people in my life understood.

I recently had an experience with dissociation (maybe a flashback?) which was kind of interesting. (For reference, I've experienced massive amounts of dissociation throughout my life due to trauma, which looked like amnesia, out of body experiences, etc.) Recently I was watching a medical show on TV, and a woman had experienced a dissociative episode and then "came to" from the dissociation and called the paramedics. As soon as that content came up on TV I felt panicked and like I needed to ground myself - to hyperfocus on something in the room and kind of tether myself to the here and now. I continued to feel anxious and tried to sound normally, telling the people around me that I was going to get some water. I drank water and still felt anxious internally but was aware of it and was trying to breathe deeply. I went into another room and immediately it felt like my consciousness was slightly above my body...not totally disconnected/out of body/etc. but not entirely in myself either, if that makes sense. I am proud of how I handled it though. I was aware that it was happening but didn't obsess over it. And tried to stay as calm and as "in the moment" as possible. It wasn't too consuming and it passed in time.

I've also been dealing with self-harm ideation but overall I've been managing it okay. I'm thankful for the love that I do have in my life and for the small moments of peace in the world that help get us through. I've also been doing therapy which is good but hard - I've realised just how uncomfortable it can feel for me to talk out loud about myself and especially trying to be vulnerable/emotional, as those things were literally punished and I've never had much practice in talking about myself like that.

Thanks for listening. Keep fighting. Keep resting.

Take care.

[Croix]

Dear Lennon11~

Actually I'm pretty impressed the way you handled your reaction to the TV episode. Managing to talk with others, removing yourself from the scene and having a drink of water - all taking it in your stride and coming out the other end not only OK but also with the knowledge that you can be equal to the occasion.

Pretty good.

I will mention one thing that helps me, and that is the free smartphone app

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app/

This took me a bit of practice but has come to be something I can reach for when needed. It can break the chain of unwanted thoughts and at the same time produce a feeling of calm though concentrating on various things. There are umpteen exercises, even one to nag me often enough when my attention wanders (which is pretty often:(

With the nightmares I get up straight away, have a cuppa and then go back to bed. My reasons for doing this are it stops me just lying in the bed reliving the nightmare, and stops them coming in a string.

Now this is not a perfect answer but helps, and Smiling Mind can be used here too after the cuppa.

Therapy to turn around how you feel is never going to be that easy, but even the idea that it is possible gave me some comfort.

Yes I'll keep fighting, though nowadays it's less of a battle, and of course I'll keep on listening

Croix

[lennon11]

Hi there,

Thank you for your support and recommendations. I really appreciate that.

I've been getting triggered more frequently lately.  At times it feels very unpleasant. I've had a couple of panic attacks. But on the other hand surprisingly I have also been sleeping better lately, making it through the night sometimes without waking. So taking the good with the bad.

Something that I've been trying to work on lately is accepting where I'm at and my current limitations. For instance I am really used to working effectively and want to be doing that (say at least at 90% of my full capacity). It is how I've always managed - working hard, never stopping or slowing down, being everything to everyone, being a perfectionist. And I like the results and feelings of success that come from working like that.

But the reality now is on a certain day I might be working at more like 10% for instance. I've been stressing about that a great deal, thinking that I'm failing, etc. and that kind of thinking doesn't help. If giving 10% is where I'm at then reaching 10% should be considered a "successful" day and I should allow myself to feel satisfied and proud of that instead of feeling like I'm constantly failing.

The reality is I'm exhausted. And dealing with massive amounts of stress, sadness, pain, fear, overwhelm, anxiety...the list goes on and on.

In the past I've turned to heavy substance use, self-harm and other unhealthy coping mechanisms. For now, fighting through the pain, especially without turning to those coping mechanisms, should be considered a win. Doing 10% of my work should be considered a win (it's better than 0% after all). A day consisting of eating healthily, going for a walk, and/or socializing should be considered a win.

I've been criticising myself and feeling deep worry about the pressure and criticism from those around me in my life for not being "100% productive" and for living at this slower "less successful" pace.

But others don't understand the work that goes into dealing with these thoughts, feelings and symptoms every day. Trying to live up to those standards has been making me feel extremely anxious and nauseated and overwhelmed. We need to define what is successful and healthy and manageable for us. And we are deserving of that acceptance after all.

I'm trying to tell things to myself and be compassionate with myself even when it is hard. Maybe others can relate or find comfort in this. Take care.