Obsessive thoughts about trauma: Over 10 years of severe abuse from a parent

[lennon11]

Hi all, new here to the forum.

Over the past couple of months, I've had memories resurfacing about physical, sexual and emotional trauma that I experienced from my father for over 10 years while growing up. He had substance abuse problems and untreated mental illness which influenced the situation, as well.

Now I'm at a place where I'm basically thinking about the memories all the time. There are so many things that I am feeling and trying to piece together. I am also trying to make sense of why these things happened - what frame of mind he was in and such.

These obsessive and intrusive memories are basically starting to take over my life, specifically influencing my focus with work and school.

And it is all very isolating...I don't think anyone in my life would understand what happened or what I am going through now (nor should I expect them to). No one in my family knows what happened. I've told my partner and a couple of friends that I've been through abuse but haven't gone into much detail, basically for fear of overwhelming them. I've talked with a counselor a couple times but didn't find it completely helpful as it focused more about logistics of taking care of myself in general - I normally have a healthy lifestyle so that's not what I'm struggling with, it's the obsessive thoughts. And for reference, I've been on meds for bipolar for a while and have meds to spot treat anxiety, which generally work well. But these symptoms have been worse lately, as the ptsd has been worse.

Normally I wouldn't feel the need to talk about these things, but lately the trauma has been taking up most of my thoughts and attention. It can be difficult to not feel able to express what I'm really thinking and feeling to the people in my life.

I have tried to spend time sitting with these thoughts to process and feel. Obviously there is a lot that happened and my mind is trying to make sense of it all. But I can't just sit and think about it all of the time.

My coping lately has basically just been to distract myself. As soon as I stop focusing on something, then the traumatic memories tend to come back.

Just looking to see if anyone has similar experiences with obsessive/intrusive Ptsd thoughts. What do you do to handle them? Do you talk about your trauma with the people in your life?

Thanks very much.

[lennon11]

Hi everyone,

I'm wondering what people's opinions are about talking with their partner (significant other, close friend, etc.) about their
trauma?

I am lucky to be in a relationship with someone that I care about very much and we see ourselves sharing our lives together and spending lots of time together in the future. Our relationship has lots of open communication and honesty on a daily basis and that is important to both of us.

I've recently been recovering traumatic memories that spanned over a 10+ year period. I've told my partner in general that I went through trauma, and there have been instances where I've described specific things that have happened, but I really haven't said very much. When I have talked about the trauma in more detail, sometimes my partner's reaction was positive and sometimes it felt more distant - not because they didn't care of course, but just because they haven't been through something similar and I feel like they don't know what to say.

So I'm wondering, should I share more about the trauma? Part of me is tempted to talk for hours and hours and just talk about everything that has happened, but I'm not sure if that would really be beneficial for us or how that would affect my partner and our relationship.

I also worry a lot about how much detail is too much, when talking about the trauma. The things that happened are obviously unpleasant and I'm worried that even if I share what to me are pretty small details, that my partner will find them upsetting or be uncomfortable. I don't want to create any unnecessary conflict or pain.

Part of me also feels like if I don't talk about it, then I'm keeping a secret. It's true that the trauma shouldn't define who I am, but is was a very big part of my life for a while. Not sharing these details with the person I care about most could be seen as a bad thing, especially when I want us to be close and I want my partner to feel like they can talk with me about anything.

Does anyone have experience in navigating discussions about past trauma in relationships?

Thank you in advance.

[Croix]

Dear Lennon11~

I read elswhere that not only were your thoughts about your past abuse becoming more frequent but also you felt the need to talk about them a lot. You wondered how other people have handled this with close freinds and family.

I can't say why they are more frequent at the moment. Maybe your psych can.

I do know things I've completely forgotten or only been 'clinical' emotionless memories have surfaced many years after the event and caused re-living or preoccupation with that event -highly unpleasant.

To a person who lives with you and cares about you the change in your behavior will be very noticeably, as will your responses to their inquiries.

I beleive it is important to remember that a very graphic or realistic detailed account of a traumatic event can cause trauma to the listener or carer leaving them in a state where they may need medical support, or at the very least tell you to stop when you repeat the event.

As a result I will discuss such matters in detail with my psych and others who are able to deal wiht these matters, but tone things down a lot for my partner, I tend to give a non detailed description of the particular event, eg "I was dreaming about the sheep again" and this will be enough.

For me it is not necessary for the person to know all that is in my head, just their ability to be constant and provide care and love will help.

It's difficult for them too, as sometimes my reactions to the same inquiry will be met with anger and resentment, other times with consideration.

Croix

[geoff]

Hi Lennon, if you don't start to tell your partner and they eventually find out snippets, then they will ask you why they weren't told with the end result being either being let down or breaking the trust between the two of you.

What are the benefits for you, to stop your intrusive thoughts, unfortunately, these differ from normal thoughts, that come and go, and I can say this because I've also had intrusive thoughts due to OCD.

When I told my wife about these thoughts, she dismissed them as being silly, just like anyone else who doesn't suffer from them, however, in your situation, trauma from what has actually happened, is different, and if need to tell them then start off slowly and wait for their reaction because this is important for you.

Please let us know and ask any question you'd like to ask.

Geoff.

[ecomama]

Dear lennon11

I've had quite a bit of experience sharing past traumas with those I love(d).

But no one knows ALL of my traumas, only me. Even my Counsellor of almost 6y doesn't know all of the events.... tbh after 6y she actually gets shocked that there's more.... but her reaction after the initial shock is one of kindness and empathy.

I've seen her get tears in her eyes at times.

You'll know when is the right time.

IMHO you don't have to be in a hurry to share all of this. It can be very overwhelming to others who care deeply about us. But you can if you want to. It's your story and yours to share with whomever has the privilege of hearing.

They need to earn that privilege by trust and compassion.

My experience has also included extremely negative consequences of sharing. Some people have used it against me. Thrown it at me within 24 hours at times, blamed for their bad behaviour and I wished I'd never shared. Some have used part of my story (albeit very confused versions lol) against me in Affidavits in Courts, trying to destroy my career and ofcourse me.

So as Brene Brown teaches, only share your story with those who've earnt it.

Also sometimes sharing amplifies the grief and trauma, sometimes sharing dissolves it gently into past memories that, over time, have little emotional impact on us in our present life.

If we have kind hearts our trauma can deepen our empathy for others.

I was officially diagnosed with C-PTSD and Anxiety earlier this year. From the description of your flashbacks and ruminating thoughts, you show some type of trauma responses.

I found working with a specialist trauma psychologist for the first 5 sessions using CBT and Exposure Therapy was extremely beneficial to helping dissolve the emotional, reliving of significant traumas. She even taught me how to do exposure therapy on my own, so I can continue to heal myself without her.

Best wishes
EM

[lennon11]

Hi all,

I haven't been very active on this account lately. Just looking to write some things out and if anyone would like to respond that would be nice, too.

Basically I've been dealing with the struggle between trying to let myself heal/relax and trying to still be productive/responsible.

To recap a bit, I went through very severe, repeated, trauma throughout a period of almost 2 decades. I developed trauma-related amnesia and didn't remember anything about these events (although I had lots of symptoms like nightmares, phobias, depression/suicidal ideation, migraines, etc...which I now know were trauma-related). Throughout the past year I've been vividly remembering these things and it has been very intense and difficult. I've also started taking legal action, which will hopefully be positive in the end but absolutely comes with its own stresses and challenges.

I'm in my early 20's and in grad school. Being in this program means a lot to me and I want to keep at it and finish. But I am having major troubles handling school and all of the trauma stuff. My concentration, energy levels and productivity are all taking a hit. I am doing a bit better than I was with that months ago, but those things are still nowhere near where they should be. For that reason I've been considering taking leave, but I don't want to (and it would also mean losing my income which wouldn't be sustainable for too long).

Also, this school program is the main reason I came to Aus, in addition to having family here. My other family as well as my boyfriend and other friends are all overseas. If I took leave, I would ideally want to go be with them, but because of Covid that doesn't seem practical or even possible. So there's another added layer to complicate the situation.

Part of me feels like I need to take time to relax and focus on the little things and try to be happy. The other part of me feels like I should push through and try to work even harder. (My ideal situation to make both of those things happen would be to work remotely with my boyfriend overseas, but due to logistical things it would be difficult to realistically make that work).

Of course healing and returning to "normal" takes time and there isn't one right way to do it. But I'm still having PTSD/depression symptoms and trouble dealing with the trauma. Plus stress from the legal stuff, being away from loved ones and falling behind in school. Just trying to keep at it. Maybe I should be doing something differently?

[Croix]

Dear Lennon11~

It is good to hear from you even though it is distress that brings you back.

Do you mind if I ask you about the legal action you mentioned? You did say

"I feel like I need to reach some kind of "closure" and then I will be
able to move forward. I'm not sure exactly what that means."

And I'm probably reaching too far but are the two connected? If it is some other unconnected matter then I apologize for my assumption. Please bear in mind any legal action is an ongoing stressful event, and if oyu are like me then that ramps up my symptoms, the nightmares, the inability to cope properly, anger and so on.

If however the two are connected and you are seeking to be believed, to try to make the person pay for the (mental) injury they did you , or to prove you have fight in you then I'd feel uneasy.

The legal system is not a justice system, and the number of successful prosecutions compared even to the number of reported cases of abuse is depressingly tiny. Placing the facts before a court is not enough -though that is bad enough as it makes you relive the trauma. Being cross-examined and treated in the most callus way is at least as bad.

Seeing the perpetror walk free is something else.

These can of course make symptoms much worse. Some people with a lot of support and open and shut cases can go down this path, I personally never would, I'd be too fragile.

You were talking about what to do, the trivial or work harder. I'd go for the former. Finding things you like and allowing them to take you away from a world full of unpleasantness is a balm. It rewards you , and you end up thinking you are worthy of reward. It helps me.

I look forward to the end of the day when I read some chapters or watch a movie. Looking forward is good.

Dealing wiht PTSD and trauma is not something, at leat for me, that vanishes, but over time with treatment becomes less significant, has less power and influence, is more easily handled. Allow one to live a life worth having.

Croix

[lennon11]

Hi all,

Thank you for your responses and my apologies for the long time I've been away from this forum. I want to make myself more of a regular here, but for now am coming back during a quite difficult period.

I've been working with police and going through the whole process of giving statements and want to share a bit about that please. The major thing I'm struggling with at the moment is the fact that I may not get the result that I want in this court case...I've been through so much, as we all have, and was thinking that *eventually* I would get some kind of justice and resolution. Nothing is definite one way or the other at this stage, but I'm starting to realise that things may not go as I had hoped. Even so, I need to try.

It's just a rough day and a rough time. I've been giving statements to police to document the years of abuse. I'm very thankful to be talking with police of course and taking this kind of action. But back when I was "in" this situation (ie, living with my abusive parent, etc.), contacting police seemed like a distant dream due to safety concerns. Now I am finally here and...I still have safety concerns? Of course I'm grateful for all the support and know that these things can take time. But I am feeling quite alone and adrift. Involving the police and going through the legal system should be the "easy part", at least compared to the actual abuse? And of course nothing will ever be as bad as being back there. But it's still not easy.

I've had an increase in my PTSD symptoms lately - difficulty concentrating, insomnia, being more easily triggered, wanting to reach for different ways to numb myself. I've decreased my work attendance (and salary) to half-time, because my PTSD symptoms have made it difficult for me to concentrate. Even half-time feels like a lot right now, but I'm doing my best to manage. My manager has arranged for me to speak with his wife (who by the sound of it has gone through similar things), which was very kind of him.

I've now gotten to a place of safety and freedom where I have been able to involve the police, a psychiatrist and a counselor. So on paper things should be going well (or at least be on their way there). But I still feel afraid and nervous of what the future will bring, especially since I'm involved in an active case against my abuser and charges have not yet been filed. I have hope that things will get better but it is a difficult time.

Any words of advice or support would be appreciated.

[Croix]

Dear Lennon11~

I've been thinking about you, your situation and what to say to you.

When I was invalided out of my occupation due to the PSTD, depression and anxiety my main aim, held on to throughout all my symptoms and difficulties, was to make those responsible pay, they had cynically used me and cast me aside.

Looking back it was not that bad a thing, anger gives strenght and purpose, allowing me to have a concerted line of action and also do things I'd normally be too retiring to do.

Never went anywhere of course and I think now that was a good thing too. I sidestepped all the re-traumatizing repetition of past events you are having to go though now.

Yes, you now have the freedom to go to the police, and that can be a real release in itself, marking a most significant milestone in your life.

It does come at a cost

"I've had an increase in my PTSD symptoms lately - difficulty
concentrating, insomnia, being more easily triggered, wanting to reach
for different ways to numb myself. I've decreased my work attendance
(and salary) to half-time, because my PTSD symptoms have made it
difficult for me to concentrate."

True it has allowed you to find a person of kindness in your manager. Sadly it has also allowed you to find (or at least I hope you have) that the legal system is not a justice system, and the odds of a successful prosecution are very small, not becuse of you, just becuse that is the way the system works.

If the police are honest they will tell you this.

So I'm wondering if 'justice' should be your aim. Perhaps your recovery ought to be the first thing, the one with priority, and anything that sets that back needs to be carefully considered to see if it is really necessary.

To aim for a life with calmness, self-reliance, satisfaction and other things people need is no bad thing. It has worked for me.

So what do you think? (Feel free to disagree or point out something I've not thought about:)

Croix

[lennon11]

Hi Croix,

Thank you very much for your thoughtful reply.

I really resonated with what you said about letting my recovery be my first priority, and then justice being second. Because I know what I want (or even need?) to happen from the legal process, but ultimately I don't have control over that. But I can still make an effort to focus on my wellbeing, and to have calmness and happiness in my life, which is such a privilege and a gift. Not something that I ever dreamed was possible for me years ago. Thank you for reminding me of that, and it is calming to think that all I have to "worry" about is my recovery.

For the most part, I do feel empowered by going to the police. And they have told me that whatever happens, at least I can rest easy knowing that I've gone through the process and have done all that I can. I agree with that.

But at the same time of course, that can make me feel uneasy. You might relate, as I don't know the details of your situation, but you mentioned wanting "those responsible" for your difficulties to pay. I agree with that sentiment too - surely if people do bad (unspeakable, traumatising, etc.) things, there should be consequences...I think it's natural to want that kind of justice.

Then it is also fear and anxiety-provoking for me to know that they are out in the world and that justice may not come. And if they're not punished, it makes it feel like my trauma may not actually be over because who knows what may happen in the future, whether that's to me or others.

But even so, focusing on what we can control feels like a good first step.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I'm looking forward to talking more.

[JimmiD]

Hey Lennon. Im new here also. On her for problems of my own aside from Childhood PTSD, depression and anxiety.

Here is a useful link that will provide info on EMDR

https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

I had been battling with recurring thoughts, flashes, dreams about my childhood abuse for years. I found a psychologist who practiced EMDR. I was skeptical. But I gave it a try. It worked and I has helped a lot. I still have more to work on and I will definitely be undergoing more EMDR.

Look into this. If you try it I hope it helps you.

The psychologist also helped me in recognizing that my 'adult self' was able to save and protect my 'child self' and she assisted me in practicing this. I encourage you to focus on the welfare and wellbeing of the damaged child in you and free yourself from any thoughts of empathy towards the abuser, or guilt about how you may feel towards him.