Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[smallwolf]

I sincerely hope you don't feel as though I am pushing you because that is not my intent.

And you asked me a question...

The journey for myself is long and not over. One thing I had to do was reframing thoughts and feelings. I would learn how to do it but unable to believe in the reframed version as true.

A gratitude journal was another exercise and I would have to Google things to be thankful for.

Before that I told my psych I could not think of anything. She asked me to describe my morning. I did. More below!

When I was being watched, I would sit under a statue and do word searches for hours at a time.

I get out of bed. Breakfast. Showered. Brushed my teeth. Etc. My psych explained to me these were my positives and for me small steps.

Today - there are times that I see myself as a failure; times I don't want to be here. My mood is hardly ever above 5 / 10.

I cannot change what happened to me. I can only change how I deal with it. I still feel less than other persons. There is more I could write.

I don't have the answers. And if you rather I not posted I won't. Something in your story resonated with me.

Tim

[Life3a]

Sophie,

can i just talk about anything other than what happened? not how i feel? Not my struggles? I know its not good to hold it in. I know its not a way of living . I know things arnt normal. I just dont know how to do this without fear and even though talking is probably the best way of helping me? Its one of my biggest struggles. I can talk about anything but not my past. I just want a place i can feel as sense of normality. Ill never understand it . Ill never understand why it was me? I just want the hurt to go.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Life3a, 

You are welcome to talk about whatever you feel comfortable with. There is absolutely no pressure to disclose anything here. Maybe you can tell us a little about the parts of your life that bring you joy or the things that you do to comfort yourself. The community is open to talking about the whole spectrum of life, painful and also not. 

Let us know how we can best support you.

[Life3a]

Good morning Tim,

I dont want you to stop writing. I dont want you to stop sharing your thoughts or even how things help you. For what its worth its comforting. I never thought id say something like that. I know i carry a lot of trauma and im more than aware the struggles i have as well as certain triggers that are out of my control that set me in a spin. However im really trying to fix me and better me. Your right i cant change what happened to me but i can work on me.

I like that you write down positive things . Whats the saying, positive thoughts create positive feelings. Easy said than done but the idea of writing something positive of what you are grateful for is great.How does that make you feel when you do that?

Tim? what resonated with you? I sound like a broken woman which i may add , i am. I have wondered so many times will the things i saw , the visions, mental abusive words that constantly race through my mind , that traumatised me ever go away? Will i ever be able to stand strong when certain incidents occur ? Rather than freeze, run, hide and cry. When someones aggressive, abusive, will i be ever able to not have flash backs and not be so afraid? Will i ever see myself as good enough? There is so much more will I's in this that i could write but for now i wont.

You wrote about crosswords. I giggled because i love crosswords. I call myself the queen crossword chick. I only say that to myself..I find when i sit and do them i loose myself and forget where i am. Its strangely calming. I love scrabble too.

How does one pass all this? Does it ever go away? I find it hard to go to work. As soon as something occurs that remotely happens , i get anxious and hide. I did that not long ago. Something happened at work. To others it was nothing but to me it was a total different thing. I couldnt mentally cope. I couldnt breathe . i ran out of class and hid. My boss found me on the floor in a ball crying. Just like a child. Someone mentioned to him i ran out crying so he looked for me. He didnt say anything, he just sat next me, telling me its ok. I didnt feel ok. My running switch wanted to run so far . He just sat there till he knew i was ok to continue. I didnt want to talk to him. I didnt want to even give him an idea of what was racing through my mind. He knew that too. I was mentally exhausted.

Thank you for writing to me.

Many blessings

Life3a

Many blessings

Life3a

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

Id take that hug ... If i was able too. I really need one.

I dont see my self strong at all. This is really hard for me to do. Trust is a big things for me as i dont trust anyone. Im afraid if i let my guard down the bubble will burst. I will admit, i do feel safe here.

You and i have more things in common. Im mentally tired this morning. Ive an online meeting to attend and if it was up to me, id just sleep. Thank you for caring, emailing and your words of encouragement. Its heart felt. I better log on at work and begin my remote online teaching. Im looking forward to seeing the students.

catch you later

many blessings

Life3a

[Matchy69]

Hi Life3a I hope you are having a good day.We all have good and bad days.I had a busy morning and took my daughter to her psychologist appointment.It went well even though she dosnt talk to her.Hopefully she will one day.

I think you have inner strength that you dont realize you have and I am glad you find this a safe place to talk.

I think its nice we have some things in common.Its nice to have someone to talk who understands what you are going through.Thank you for saying you think I am an awesome dad,i just try to be the best dad and person i can.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey there Mark,

I decided to give myself a 10 min break. Im correcting today and i do have an afternoon meeting at 4pm today. After that ive decided to stop. Im not doing any more work thats associated with work. I might even watch a movie on netflix . Its raining to go for a walk plus i think i like keeping my wooly socks on . Im having a good day. work keeps me occupied . I dont have time to think sometimes and with this remote learning its constant. I find when im alone or im not keeping myself busy my mind starts. Im glad her appointment went well. I worked with a student who had selective mutism and it took me a long time before he said a word. I felt i talked a lot and he wasnt interested in what i had to say. One day when i least expected it he responded when i asked him how he was. I almost fell off my chair!!. He still doesnt say too much but occasionally responds to what im asking. He doesnt talk to anyone just like your daughter. I found when trust is earned, they open up. Maybe not the way we expect them too but they do say things here and there. Im proud of him for trusting me but it took a long while. Maybe your daughter is doing the same thing with her psychologist. testing the waters, seeing if shes comfortable then she may say a few words. How long has she seen a psychologist for?

When it comes to my strength i struggle to see myself in any way. I am working on it. My Dr got me to say every day, "i love the woman i see in the mirror". That didnt go too great. I stopped. I just coulnt do it. Step by step and im starting to see that. I bow my hat and give high respect to those parents who have children with any diagnosis. Its not easy and when your battling them as well as your needs? its tough. Your doing great and the best you can.. If anything i hope you can see that.Do me a favour? Pat yourself on the back and say well done me.. Go on..i wish laptops had smiley faces. Maybe it does and i just dont know where it is lol..I get the whole compliment thing. Man, instead of saying thanks , i freeze. I know why i do it too. I also get that when we go through our own things , its hard to think positive about ourselves. Maybe we should , i dont know, tell ourselves every day we are doing our best. What do you think? I tell my students and my own kids everyday.. why cant we do it? MMM... Maybe because our life experiences are different but on a positive note, its worth the shot.

Ciao for now. Blessings

life3a

[smallwolf]

Thank you. I will just answer one question (I hope).

I found that one negative thing can wipe away any positives in the day. If I write down the positives it is a reminder that positive things can and do happen.

The other thing is a story about a sheep getting to the other end of a paddock. A windy track is what the sheep uses to get to the other side of the paddock and out the gate. One day the sheep tried a faster route - more direct. Problem was the sheep had to create this route but was overgrown, long grass, rocky, fallen branches. It didn't work. So the sheep went back to the old path. The next day tried the new route again. The same problem occurred. Again went back to the old path. This pattern repeated but over time the new path became more defined and the old path was getting overgrown and started using newer path more often. Until one day... the new path became the normal was of getting to the gate and not the old path.

What is this to do with mental health?

The old path is how our mind works. The new path is how you want your mind to operate. It is ok if we flip between pathways.

Hope that helps a little. By the way, that story is from my psychologist though probably well known.

[Matchy69]

Hi Life3a i am glad you had a good day and work kept you busy.Its good to have something to keep your mind occupied with.I like to know if you find teaching rewarding and you like your job?

My daughter has has three appointments with this psychologist so it is only early stages with her.It would have been more except she canceled a couple as she was only doing them through telehealth but now is seeing patients again in person.My brother had mutism and didn't speak a word to he was about five years old and developed his own sign lagnuage and one day he just started talking and hasn't stopped talking since.That would have been such an amazing and rewarding experience for you when that boy with selective mutism talked to you for the first time.I think that shows you are liked and a great teacher.

It has been cool here today and has got cold this evening.I don't think it will be long and i will be getting the fire place going.I like sitting in front of the fire and watching it and listening to it.I use to be a summer person but now seem to be enjoying the winter more now.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Tim,

What a great story and what a great way of putting things. Ive never thought of it that way. I have never heard of the story. I will admit it made me think.I forgot to mention, im a thinker.. Now for me , its learning to condition my mind to operate that way. Thank you so much for sharing.

Im sorry if i asked so many questions. I was thinking and sometimes i probably ask too many questions. My mind can race a million miles an hour at times but i also ensure i dont think so much. I do sit still. I work near the beach and i tend to sit there after work and let my thoughts flow. Good or bad. I guess i had a lot to say and i hope i didnt overwhelm you. The last email you wrote made me think. Its made me think what will i do to help me get through the negative thoughts i have. Thoughts that have been conditioned in my mind by those that were meant to love me. words that hurt for many many many tears. How can i change that and train myself to see things differently.

I truly appreciate your emails. I enjot reading them too. i really would love you to know my name. Maybe soon.

many blessings

life3a