Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Matchy69]

Hi Life3a it is nice knowing that you are not alone and other people are going through similar things.I find on here talking to other people helps me realise i am not alone and that people do care.I hope you are finding this site helpful and finding that people do care.

I know what you mean about not wanting to go out and it does seem like a lot of work to take him out and how is he going to react and think of things like he dosnt like crowds or noise.I cant even take him to the movies as he finds the movie to loud.It can be a really hard thing taking him somewhere.When this coronavirus is all over i will try and take him out more.

I try and hide in my room sometimes and cry.My son will be outside playing and 5 minutes latter you here here stomping in asking a million questions and talks with a stutter to.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

Can i ask you something? I totally understand if you dont want to answer it. Do you have a partner to lean on when you cry or feel a certain way? I found when i was with my ex i couldnt talk to him. I felt alone in the relationship. Thats a total different story ...Sometimes its so hard to even know what to say to someone that feels the way we do. Like now, i want to say so much to you to make you feel better but how do i do that when i struggle myself. Our kids dont understand when our tears take over. ive had to say to myself its ok to cry. Its ok to feel and when my kids ask me 100 questions , its so hard to respond. Your son is younger and ... I dont know , its not always easy to put on a brave face. I will say , he sounds like a cute kid.

Do you anything for yourself? Here is me asking you these things but if you asked me the same question my response would be no.. I hope you do though.

many blessings

Life3a

[Ggrand]

Hello Life3a...

Awe..I really wish I could reach through the screen and give you a huge comforting hug sweetheart...to warm your beautiful soul...

I don’t have special needs children..I have no insight at all that I could offer you suggestions..I have been listening to you and Mark, and am so happy that you both connected and are supporting each other.."

I can relate to your PTSD as I have it as well..and it can take us to places deep inside and back to the times that caused it....I have a great fear of people..and it took me a long time to trust the ones that are my mental health supporters...

No..lovely Life3a, you don’t sound crazy..The video flash backs are real..and can be scarey... we have to try to remember to be strong and to tell ourselves,,that we are safe now.....these flashbacks cannot physically hurt us now...Hard I know, as I’m just myself healing from something I did recently that brought flashbacks instantly to me...causing me all sorts of emotional grief...

Life3a...it is okay to cry sweety, I think that’s the only way to release some pain from deep in our soul...

I hope today is a better day then yesterday...for you..

My care, love and hugs..🦋💜🤗.

Grandy..

[Matchy69]

Hi Life3a it's probably the main reason i am here as I don't have a partner or many friends.I allways struggled to make and keep friends and have since i was a child.My ex was not and is still not easy to talk and allways struggle to tell her anything,she done act in a compassionate way and allways made to feel that everything is my fault.The kids don't understand why I cry sometimes.I try to hide it and pretend everything is ok.No i dont really do much for my self.My kids are my love and life and try to be the best dad i can.

Take care,

Mark.

[smallwolf]

Let me tell you a little more of my story. It started with some emails and a phone call each of which made me feel worse. That night I was silent and worrying about things. Feeling I was failing. After I started to see a a psychologist things were turning around until 6 months later and another email or to and I really crashed.

Between then and now I question whether my issues are real. Feeling like a 1st world problem. Not a REAL problem.

Then someone on the forum here said to me that whatever causes you to feel low does not matter. It is real that it makes you feel low, question everything etc.

So whatever you do think about is real in how it makes you feel or behave. And sometimes the pain can be too real or raw to talk about. Small steps each day...

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

Tim

[Life3a]

Grandy,

You sound so nice. Theres a gentleness thats comforting. Thank you so much. If i could reach in my screen and get that hug ? Id run with it.

There's a part of my life that has similar experience to Mark and i understand those feelings, the kids and how it feels dealing with things alone. Its not easy dealing with ASD kids and your own emotions. Its a constant challenge .

I do cry more than i want too but i feel it and sit in my space. I dont know what to do sometimes. well, most of the time.

Many blessings

Life3a

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

You sound like an awesome Dad doing the best you can . I understand the struggles having an ASD child and hte overwhelming feelings that arise. If its worth anything, im here for you. We have things in common. At least the life of our kids , exes and the loneness.

I think exes like to blame us for a lot of things. I hear you on that one but we arnt. Its not our fault and its not yours either.

ill email later on

Many blessings

Life3a

[Life3a]

HI Tim,

I read your post so many times.Understanding and taking it in and finding a place in this head of mine that says its ok to take small steps . Thats all i can give myself.

Tim? can i ask how did you get to the point of where you are now? Is it only a phycologist that helps you get through it? How do you deal with certain emotions or i guess triggers? I know there is this forum but is there anything else you do? how does one erase things?

Im going to share something that im not sure im ready to do...Visions, Real, rawness... A lifetime of heat ache and pain.

Do you know how im feeling inside of me? Im internally screaming asking my self JUST SAY WHAT HAPPENED!! JUST TALK> YOULL FEEL BETTER. Feel better? I dont even know if the term actually exists. I dream to have all this gone. To possibly being normal . There are so many whys.. To not ask myself what did i do ? Why was i treated the way i was ? why was i hated so much? As a child. As a teenager as a grown woman. why did i allow it? Whats wrong with me? Im so damn afraid of just ..... No... No.. ..visons are hard to erase. certain behaviours are hard to deal with. Verbal abuse is one of the hardest things to put aside ..... I ask myself a million times why my dad walked in on me when i was attempting my suicide and why he carried that stupid key in his pocket to open the room i was in . The key he always forgot in the house. As a teenager , It would of been easier to go. I wouldn't of experienced so much more heartache and pain. As an adult , people and things around me didnt change. Thats a small part of me.

Tim, I cant do this and right now i need to stop talking/ writing

Blessings to you

life3a

[Sophie_M]

Hi Life3a,

We're so glad to hear that you are connecting to some of the words of wisdom from our community. We're all here for you the whole way through this journey, remember that. We are sending through a private message for some extra support. We're so sorry to hear that you have suffered abuse in your life. It sounds like you have gone through many difficult experiences and we understand that visions are hard to erase. 

It's okay that you can't do this right now, we understand that this is overwhelming. Please feel free to come back to us whenever it feels right for you.

[Matchy69]

Hi Life3a i just want to give you a big hug and know how hard it was for you to open up.I think your amazing caring person and stronger then you think.I went through childhood abuse my self both physical and mental and know how it effects you.I found talking to a psychologist was great for me and helped me get through my darker periods.Just remember you have support on here and care about you and understand.

Take care,

Mark.