Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

I love teaching. I do the best i can in helping the kids. My field is working with children who have learning difficulties and have a diagnosis in a mainstream school. Im in a primary school setting. Its tough some days. Children can be defiant. The can also be abusive and other times they just want the attention they lack at home. Its sad what kids can go through. I think thats why i struggle at work because i see my life in theirs. I dont want children to go through what i went through. I try so hard to ensure in what i can control which is their learning abilities , they dont. From a very young age i was always called dumb and stupid. I was told i wasnt smart enough to achieve anything and i should stop wasting my time. There were other name calling. I was reminded every day how stupid i was even as an adult. Even up until i left my marriage. I dont want anyone to experience what i had gone through and if i can make a difference in a child's life? I will. I put my all in those kids.

Your brother reminds me of my student. So you know how the excitement feels. You did make me laugh when you wrote he hasnt stopped talking. That's so good! I think thats what selective mutism does. Out of no where they start talking. I can see the difference in my student. I dont teach him this year but he does say hi every time he sees me. He has a long way to go but his certainly changing. I never imagined in a million years he would of done that. I do believe that will happen to your daughter. I think in time she will surprise you just like your brother did. You realise girls talk a lot?

It was freezing and raining here too. Winter is just around the corner. Im not a fan of the freezing cold but i do like the woolly socks and big warm jumpers. My son and daughter tell me i look like a grandma. I dont think i do but thats my opinion. I do love the sound of the rain but thats it. Only because that means i cant take my dog for a walk which may i add she loves it. ok, so do i. I talk to her all the time. She knows my deepest secrets. Shes the most trusted creature i know. I totally agree that a dogs a man's best friend. In my case a woman's best friend

Many blessings

Life3a

[Matchy69]

Hi Life3a I woke up to a beautiful day.The sun was out and the birds were singing.The forecast for later is for severe thunderstorms.I picked some fruit and vegies with my daughter this morning out of my garden like watermelon,pumpkin,egg plants and lemons.I have been making lemon and honey drink every morning.I like gardening and be out in the fresh air.Do you like gardening and the out doors?

School not kind to me as i was teased a lot and didn't make many friends.I try and hope that this dosn't happen to my kids especially with their special needs and giving the appearence of being different to the other kids.I know how cruel other kds could be.I really admire you for working with these kids especially what you have been through growing up yourself and know how hard it can be at times working with these kids and it so wonderful for you to want to make their lives better.

I allways loved dogs and think they make the most wonderful companions.I don't have a dog at the moment after i lost my last one I found it very hard.When i bought this house and moved in their was a cat hanging around that i found out was a stray so adopted it and called her Bubbles.My daughter loves her as cats are her favourite animal.

I love the sound of rain on the roof and love the sound of waves crushing down on a surf beach especially sitting on a beach at night.Unfortunately i am about three hours from a surf beach these days.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark

I bet the photo that's on your profile are the vegies and fruit from your garden? Well done if they are! very impressive. I do like gardening and having a vegie patch. I used to have a vegie patch but not any more. I moved into my own home in feb this year and at the moment i have no garden just rocks. The previous owner didnt have anything so ill be busy redesigning it. I dont mind as i do enjoy being outside and being in the garden. I find it therapeutic. This rain at the moment isnt allowing any gardening to be done. All im getting are these annoying weeds. I pull them out and they just multiply over night.

Bulling can be tough. I was bullied at school too. I think people can be so cruel. There isnt a need for it as we are all uniquely different. Im quite firm at work. I dont tolerate any bulling and everyone is encourage to play together. Like you, i know what its like. Hopefully where your kids go, the school helps the kids and dont tolerate it either. Schools normally dont. Life has been cruel on my end in every direction. I promised myself a long time ago i wouldnt allow anyone to feel what i felt. I cant control what happens at home but at school i can. I know i cant control it all and i really wish i could but i believe everyone deserves a chance and be accepted for who they are. I think if its learnt at a young age they might realise it as they get older that bulling is unacceptable. The theory Treat others the way you want to be treated is what i encourage. I can only try. My experiences are painful but if i can touch one persons heart and remind them of how things should be regardless how i feel about a lot of things , maybe just maybe things will be different for them. My work challenges me mentally everyday.

I work 2 mins away from the beach and i live 10 to 15mins away from the beach. Im pretty surrounded by them. I love watching the waves and just staring at the horizon. I can sit there forever. I loose myself when i do go. Ive had a lot of tears at the beach but i get a sense of peace when im there. Sometimes i ask myself why life has been beyond cruel.. I have no answer to it but Ive compassion to others. I guess thats why im seen different by so many. Im seen weird . I do say quite often, dont judge me if you dont know where ive been... Healing certainly has its challengers and at the moment its really challenging me.

Blessings

Life3a

[Matchy69]

Hi Life3a I like your profile picture looks very nice.Yes mine is of the harvest out of the garden this morning.The watermelon is absolutely beautiful and sweet to eat.That would be great if you can get a garden growing there.It might be good therapy for you.My mum got me into the garden when i was very young.We had a vegie garden in the back corner that use to get the best yeilds.My mum had green thumbs.We had a heap of fruit trees as well.I have allways been interested in growing things that are edible.When i bought this house and moved in 3 years ago tomorrow it will be there was no garden at all.I put in a vegie garden as well as some fruit trees and roses and herbs.

Thats great you live near the beach.I am so envious of you.I live out in a small country town that has one pub and a Post Office.I really appreciate the beach when i can get there.Maby one day i can move to be closer to the beach.

My daughter has trichotillomania which is a disorder for pulling out hair that she cant help and she has a bald spot on top of head where she has pulled out her hair.She usually does it while watching tv and she pulls one strand at a time out.She gets upset when you tell her to stop.Thats another thing she is working on with the psychologist with.

I hope you have a nice evening.It has been very windy here with some rain.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

I just logged on because i felt the need to write tonight . I had this moment of weakness. Then i see youve written. That picture was taken the summer just past.I took it. Its one of my favourite places to go.I live very close by this beach.I remember that day so clearly. I usually go sit there when i feel lost or overwhelmed. I do sit on other days without any emotion but this particular day, i let every emotion out. I think anyone that saw me crying must of thought i was nuts.It was so beautiful i forgot where i was. I think i cried for a long time.Every time i look at this picture it reminds me of that moment. It was then i decided i needed to find away of healing.i find it so hard ....

I had a feeling the photo was from your garden then again you did explain what you collected.That watermelon looks so good.You should be very proud of yourself.I think having your own garden is so good.Everything is so fresh and i guess knowing that you harvested it? What an accomplishment. Congratulations on the anniversary of your home.You need to bake a cake to celebrate! You learnt well from your Mum. How awesome is that? Now your teaching your children. One of my favourite flowers are Roses. I think they are the most extraordinary, beautiful, perfect flowers around. Thats one plant im planting in my garden.

You sound like your in the country. Thats therapeutic in itself.Constant calmness. I dont live in the country. I should of looked at it when i was looking to buy instead i bought in the city. I want a horse. Hang on i really would like a horse. Id like to call it Faith or Destiny. I cant pick which name.

That must be hard watching your daughter pick out her hair. Im glad shes working with the psych to help her. Ive never heard of the condition but i have read that people tend to do that. You have a lot going on too. Your a pretty strong guy. I know you may not feel it at times but you are.

Ive a lot racing through my mind tonight. I dont have my kids with me for a few days and i honestly dont like it because this is where i think. Mark? I dont want to live in fear any more. I dont want to cry any more. I just want to wake up in the morning and walk out the door feeling on top of the world. No visions.No anxiety. No tears. No fear. Just a world of laughter, happiness, joy, unconditional and seeing myself as .... enough.. as well as I can do this.

blessings life3a

[smallwolf]

Firstly it's ok to ask questions. On my end I have to be selective on what I answer. Perhaps due to the length of my replies which I try to keep short.

My mind also runs too fast. Which is also why I have to write things down. It helps me to stop the scattered thoughts.

Another thing I do is treat the journey as going up a mountain. And sometimes to get higher up the mountain you have to go down into a valley to find the easier path up the mountain. For me it is a way knowing I am making forward movement as opposed to being stuck in a place of no recovery.

Tim

[Life3a]

Hi Tim,

Theres so much for me to learn. Metaphorically, I think i need to park myself on a bench and not think for a while. There at least i can try to not overthink things and ask myself so many questions. To be honest, im not sure how im feeling today . Im glad im heading to work for the day. It will give me the distraction i need. Thank you

blessings

Life3a

[smallwolf]

Perhaps. <- that for you need to park on the bench.

I hope today went well for you?

The little snippets that you get in my posts are a result of many sessions with a psychologist and psychiatrist. And then working out what works for or does not work for me. Some things I could latch onto straight away, and some I could not. There are threads on the forum for mindfulness and grounding - some of the ideas there would not work for me so it comes down to working out what works or us as individuals.

I would also read books about experiences with depression and some self-help book (reputable authors) - some were recommended by the psychologist. Some of the books I can also get from my local library to read online. Call it part of my education for myself. I find that if I can understand something it makes it easier for me to work around or get past/through. But this is only how I work or what worked for me.

What are your plans for the weekend?

tim

[Life3a]

Hi Tim,

I had a good day. I worked which was what i needed. Due to schools being closed , I've been working from home so going on sight was great.

I love singing so i recorded a song or two this afternoon and that made me feel good . When i feel down,lost or emotional i tend to sing. It speaks to my soul and sometimes singing can take me to a far away place. I forget what's around me. I loose myself and the thoughts that usually fill my mind seem to disappear.It feels like im the only one that exists in my bubble and its safe. I sing a lot due to the way It makes me feel when i am singing. No one can touch me or hurt me. It probably sounds crazy.

I like how you write and think. I like how you find ways that work for you. Ways that help you through your journey. You make me think of how i can find ways that could work for me. Ways to better me. Ways to let go? I know i cant change a lot of things and i wish i can. I have read books of self help/ mindfulness a long while ago but it didnt resonate with me.

I havent been giving my psychologist a chance. All i do id sit there and cry while she talks away. She knows some things about me because my Dr has mentioned things to her. I know i need to give her a chance and i know i cant do this alone. I need to convince myself shes not like those that hurt me. My thing is how does one remove a life time of abuse? All that comes to me is I need to forgive.

It will be raining and cold this weekend. It will only be me at home as my kids are staying at their Dads and my dogs is at a dog retreat. I have an english staffy and she's very attached to me. She's driving me insane at the moment so she's gone away for the weekend. Most likely ill be cleaning my home, writing, reading and ill probably watch a couple of movies. A few months ago I started writing about my life. Ive gone back as far as i can remember. It hasnt been easy. Not sure if its a good idea .

What's one of the most inspiring books you've read?

What are your plans?

By the way, my name is Gabby

blessings

life3a

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby,it is nice to know your name.I had a day off here yesterday as i was at the hospital having surgery.Now i have woken up in the middle of the night cant sleep as i am not very comfortable but i will be ok.

When I first started seeing a psychologist I use to sit there and cry and slowly open up but i have never really told her everything that has happen to me.I really dont want to tell her some things,i think i am ashamed and embarassed by some of the things that happen to me.I wonder where the future will take me and the pass can be left behind but how do i forget what has happen to me.

I cold snap is suppose to be here this weekend.I will spend most of it bed recovering.I hope you can find some enjoyment on the weekend and i will talk to you laterI am feeling tired now so i will see if i can get some sleep now.

Take care,

Mark.