New to all of this

[I_am_enough]

Hi, i have been reading your posts and felt uplifted. I am just learning about PTSD. Actually, just beginning to accept that i have it and relieved that i am not alone. I spoke to my GP last week and we are in the process of finding a clinical psycologist.

I have been on medication for clinical depression and anxiety about a year.

I have been so numb and afraid for so long now.

I am a survivor of domestic violence.

I am blessed to be almost 6 months clean and sober.

The violence ended in 2013 when he went to prison.

I have the love and support of amazing men and women at my meetings which keep me sober and not isolated.

I am 48, being sober again is like waking up to "life" for the first time....Where have i been? What's going on, and why is everyone in such a hurry !!

I have suffered alot more in my lifetime but i have hope today that i too can and will recover.

If i had a middle name, it would be "pretend its not happening" !!

But it is.

I get scared real easy, spend most if the days alone, go for gentle walks in the park, sit and meditate, laugh at the dogs and get lots of doggy hellooooz.

I'm so not ready to add any socialising or groups with strangers just yet.

Next door aren't home much but lately they have been fighting and i felt like i was having a nervous breakdown.

When its time for bed, i hear sounds and am real jumpy and cant sleep. When i hear their car, my anxiety levels begin to rise.

I know in my heart of hearts that i am safe......but i am so afraid of people.

I am fatigued most of the day.

Gratitude keeps me sane.

I have been afraid all of my life and i don't have the energy to run anymore.....i guess it's my time now to face my demons.

Does it get better?

Thanks for listening peeps ! I will be like a kid on Christmas morning jumping up to see if Santa replied to my distress call !

Over and out (for now)

Regards,

I Am Enough ;^}

[I_am_enough]

What a happy and healthy family you have croix !

sheba the black monkey dog is in doggy heaven now and they have an unlimited supply of schmackos, they must coz she loved her food.

i remember when i first got her and how much joy she bought to my life.

I am not responsible for what my ex did to us back then. But i am responsible to look after what i have been given today.

I just got a phone call from the mental health team and my first appointment with their psycologist is on feb 24.

i feel relieved that everything is falling into place. All i have to do is suit up and show up. Easier said than done but do-able !

i have a friend in recovery who is an animal lover too and we often talk on the phone about our little adventures. One day while walking in the park, with my head in the clouds, two big and happy dogs decided to run up out of nowhere to welcome me. I nearly lost my balance while receiving their hugs and kisses. They ran off and one came back to say, "you still standing, good o !!" And took off again !! I replied, "thanks for caring !"

At the moment i am attempting to cook thai green curry, it hopefully will taste better tomorrow. It's relaxing cutting the vegies and stirring and listening. Reading the posts, putting one foot in front of the other.

I am truly grateful for all i have today.

Regards

[BballJ]

Hi I am enough,

Thanks for replying.

As you can tell from when I posted that a few people found your post inspiring and wanted to chat which is what this community is all about... I feel you have so much advice to give on these forums and your input will be highly valued as is everyones of course but part of recovery in my opinion is using your pain which you have turned to strength to encourage others to do the same as you have.

My best,

Jay

[I_am_enough]

Hi white rose, mary,

thankyou for replying to my very first post. I hope you have had a good day.

the neighbours came home tonite and at first i felt anxious, then i thought of what a friend told me today, he said, "give them permission to be who they are and don't allow them to live rent free in your head !"

i continued watching my movie, got up and had a snack, it's all very quiet (except for spazzo dog next door letting the neighbourhood know it's bed time !!) i just wrote in my journal about my triggers from watching the movie and this helped heaps, just getting it out on paper and also learning now how to feel it instead of squashing down.

Btw, my very first apt with the pyscologist is on feb 24. I am grateful and my instincts tell me that its a good place to start. I cannot help but be nervous because it will be the beginning of a very scary operation into my soul. It feels like i'm going into it al with blind faith, having to just trust. This trust, mary, also comes from people like you and others who have gone b4 me and encourage me, ensuring that it is a healthy and wise thing to do.

Anyways, i've just taken my night time meds, will put on my relaxation moozic and pray for a good night's sleep. (Ear plugs on stand by lol)

i hope to hear from you soon

regards IAE ;^}

[White_Rose]

Hello IAE

Thanks for your post. I hope you had a good night's sleep. I have next door neighbours with children. That house has seen so many changes of occupants, most of whom I never knew other than a casual Hello if we happened to be outside at the same time. Both little boys are screamers and on Australia Day the family + friends celebrated the day in true Aussie fashion. Ah well.

So, an appointment in three weeks. I can understand you being a little nervous if you have not done this before. Remember this will take time before you feel life is getting better. Sometimes people leave therapy because they get upset quite often. This can be hard but it is a good sign. You are bringing up hard and uncomfortable feelings when all you want to do is forget. I had a huge breakdown last weekend. My psych brought up a minor matter but for me it was huge. I didn't realise it at the time, but once home I found myself crying and carrying on.

I managed to trace what had happened to the past and realised I had fully got over the original event. The positive part of this was to realise why I was upset and what past event I revisiting. Much of the hurt had gone but there was enough to thoroughly upset me. I would never have connected these two events years ago. I think it would have taken much longer to settle again and probably 'brood' for a long time.

We cannot change the past, unfortunately, but we can learn to take away the power of our memories to replay the past and cause us constant hurt. This is what you will be doing with your psychologist. At least I hope so. It will take time. Have I said that before? Please keep on going even when it feels like you are not getting anywhere, and this does happen at times. I think it is during these times you make the most progress because you are starting to use your own resources instead of borrowing from someone else.

Must fly. It's one of my volunteer mornings and I really should shower and dress before going out.

Mary

[I_am_enough]

Hi mary,

i hope your volunteer morning went well. It must be a nice feeling being able to help others. I don't have the energy to help anyone but myself which for me is a good thing coz i am a huge people pleaser and insecure. I am beginning to say 'no'. It is real hard lol. My neighbour told me to watch over her place, couple weeks back and call the police, this is what triggered my PTSD. She asks me to bring in her bin and if she isnt home and something is dropped off she tells them to leave it with me. We are not friends, she is taking advantage of my kindness. I am afraid to say 'no' in case she gets angry and i blame myself.

Mary, i know deep down it has alot to do with domestic violence. I kept so quiet because one wrong word or move would make him go crazy. In the present i tell myself that the past has nothing to do with today but i am beginning to see and feel that it does.

i hope i am making sense ?

i just want her to leave me alone. I worry about what i will say to her. Can you offer any suggestions mary ?

i look forward to your reply

IAE

[White_Rose]

Hello IAE

Yes, I get being a people pleaser, used to do it myself and still do on occasions. I left my husband some years ago because he was, still is, a bully. It was rarely he resorted to physical violence, mostly it was emotional abuse and manipulation. So like you, I learned to please him and did that with everyone. Yes, the past has everything to do with the present. Everything you have learned is in the past and that includes keeping yourself as safe as possible with your ex.

Your neighbour sounds very bossy and ill-mannered. Getting in the bin for a neighbour is a courtesy not a right. I used to get my neighbour's bin in because she was at work. I have retired. In return Mr Neighbour cleaned my gutters one year. Only once because he became ill and died. Neither of us expected the other to do these tasks so if I forgot her bin one week there was no argument.

My suggestion is that you stop doing these chores without giving an explanation to your neighbour. If she asks tell her you do not have time, or cannot do, whatever you think best. Keep the explanation short or you will tangle yourself up. You could simply say it's not my bin. Refuse to take delivery of items for her. If the delivery person asks simply say the neighbour has made no arrangements with you and you do not want the responsibility. And that is a very reasonable thing to say.

When she asks you to keep an eye on her home when she is away tell her it's too much responsibility and it makes you nervous. The trick is not to get involved in any kind of argument because she will carry on until you agree. Keep repeating the above phrase no matter what reason she can find. Trying to justify your actions is simply giving her more ammunition and you will get exhausted. Have one phrase for each of these occasions, say it a twice then tell her you have to go. And leave.

I have no doubt you will feel very shaky afterwards and start wondering if you should have refused. This is normal. Think instead that you have stood up to someone's demands and be proud of yourself. Treat yourself to something nice. Ice cream works well for me.

I have made it sound easy and reasonable. I think saying no in these circumstances is reasonable. I also know it is far from easy. This is where actions speak louder than words. Stop doing the jobs. She may accept you no longer do these things or she may ask why. Don't get sucked in to an argument. Having said your piece, walk away. I'm out of word allowance.

Mary

[I_am_enough]

Hi mary,

thanks so so much. That was brilliant.

yesterday i was afraid to leave the front door open in case she came home. I thought it was best to hide from her. It doesn't make me feel good when i feel i have to hide in my own home. That is giving my power away. I thank you so so much for sharing your valued experience with me mary.

A friend said that the more i say no the easier it will get over time.

I want to face this challenge and i know i will get wobbly but i can do this. I know i can.

My ex is long gone and i have moved house. I haven't seen him for 3 yrs since he went to prison. I am just stuck with the fears and insecurities. This morning i woke up with a fright thinking someone had jumped my fence. There was no-one there. I have been jumpy and scared for the past couple weeks since she asked me to watch her place. We live in a duplex separated by a common wall. I can hear everything that goes on when they are home. Which is not very often.

You are right, i must begin to set boundaries with her. I didn't put her bin in, it was out there for a week. Each day when i came home and refused to do it, I did a little victory dance !! It felt good mary !

I will practice what you have taught me today. I want to continue getting well !

ps ... My front door is open right now, i refuse to hide!

IAE

[monkey_magic]

Hi,

I read your thread, proud of your victory with the neighbours.

After going through DV I've been a changed person. A side of me feels stronger & more competent, another side feels weaker. I go through the being afraid as well but act staunch so ppl don't c it...I mask my feelings a lot and have squashed down stuff as well...feels too painful to face. Some days I think at least I'm breathing.

Im happy youve shared your story . it gives me the living dead more amo to keep going. Thanku

U can do this

[White_Rose]

Hello IF and Steph

What great posts from both of you. Believing in yourself after living with DV is a very hard thing to do. No matter the form of the abuse the intention is always to gain power, to manipulate you and make you feel less than you are. In the end you believe you are that unsatisfactory person.

IAE I am so proud of you. Doesn't sound like much to say you refused to bring the bin in, but that is a huge victory for your self esteem. Go girl! Also keeping your front door open, another victory. It's certainly not right to be a prisoner in your own home. These are steps which lead to your return to your own life, including living without fear.

Changing your actions is like walking down the path from your front door. It's dirt path which has compacted by your walking. One day it rains and your path becomes a bit muddy. The rain continues and the path becomes increasingly muddy and slippery. So you make another path from your front door. At first you automatically turn to the first path, remember the other path and walk safely onto the street. After a while the second path becomes a habit, but you remember what happened to the first path and take steps to keep the second path safe by laying pavers or some other hard surface.

OK IAE, you just started to make another path. You will go to the first path (bins) and then remember how to change your thinking. The more you do this the easier it gets and you can lay down your foundations. When the path becomes wet it will an inconvenience but you can cope with this knowing it's a safe way to go. The weather is all the things that happen to you, good, bad and in between. Do you remember the Nancy Sinatra song, These Boots Were Made For Walking?

Steph, it's a shame you are still squashing your feelings. Do you have anyone to help you? Let's chat some more. Starting a thread of your own will mean you receive replies about your specific situation and others will be able to find you more easily. But stay here and support IAE as well. Give Support to Gain Support I think is ione motto of BB.

Mary

[I_am_enough]

Hi mary,

thanks that was great.

I feel lousy today, really tired and drained. Everything seems like a real struggle. Is this normal ?

i don't want to talk to anyone or even go for a walk. Just wanna stay home where i feel safe.

i don't wanna push myself when i feel like this.

i went to my AA mtg this morning and felt disconnected from everyone. This is not an unusual feeling for me.

I often leave straight after the mtg and head home, the noise gets too much for me.

Tomorrow is another day, this too shall pass. I will go tomorow again to my mtg and stay back and talk with someone.

Sorry mary, just a misery guts today.

i love your analagy about the two paths. Thanks heaps.

i haven't picked up a drink today, tomorrow it is 6 mths sober for me. I wonder if i am taking on too much too soon with therapy but my heart tells me it will be good for me.

All just seems like too much.

Regards IAE