new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

I hope LMs migraine has subsided or does so very soon. A migraine alone is a hellish thing to deal with. I've only had 2 I think but have had hundreds of "migraines coming on" with specific signs. If I don't shut out all light and sleep immediately then it's a migraine. Mine are mostly food related I think, so I've worked out what contributes to them etc. I think my mother's were probably stressed related also... idk. 

IDK much! Thankyou for responding. 

The clip I found is by Tal Ben-Shahar on BIG THINK Channel on YT. The title is "Don't chase happiness; become anti-fragile". I'm watching it now, SO GLAD I saved it for you lol and me! 
Gosh, watching the forest and gardening scenes brings such a sense of calm and peace to me. I haven't done any gardening this leave and I think this was a big mistake. I literally had far too much to do. 

Anyway he explains Post Traumatic Growth (PTG) and S.P.I.R.E. and don't turn it off when he says the S for "Spiritual" LOL I know you! He doesn't do a God talk. That's what I'm here for hahaha, I wouldn't really do that. 

Yes that friend 🙄. So disappointing. She is 1 of my 3 closest friends. The other 2 have terminal illnesses. She did have a triple bypass a few years ago. Basically she's reacting like my family always did. So yeah... can't say I purposely attracted her for those reasons but I guess she fitted right in there! 

I haven't told you that I often disagree with my Counsellor's advice (lol that's me to a T!). She has strongly suggested that I withdraw from my other 2 friends and I refuse to. I NEED TO BE WITH THEM. I believe this she's suggesting the ultimate act of abandonment and I won't do it. Is it GOOD for me? Who cares! I know it's good for them and I KNOW I will not regret spending my time with them. TO have nurtured these friendships for over 50y! that's almost my entire life. 

It's big. 

No words left lol
Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey BB

So I've created this thing, I saw similar YT in Cash Stuffing channels. I won't be cash stuffing and leaving money at home, although I'm finding banking quite stressful. 
I created my own 181 Day Savings Challenge. It's probably far too much and I probably would've been better off doing series of 30 day ones.  With a Zero Based Budgeting system. 

Anyway I've started and only myself is accountable for it. I stuffed up big time and used most of the money in my account FORGETTING I had an automatic drawing on my account yesterday so I was OVERDRAWN for the first time probably ever really. 
Painful because my Bank Manager is watching my account closely as we're in the pipeline to MAYBE get an extension on the Loan for a cabin, IDK but it's the only "sensible" way I think due to taxes etc. 

I applied for a lesser limit on my CC but with my Bank that has my Home Loan. I wanted to switch to them to make things easier. 

Anyway I'm moving the Challenge money to an off-set account against my Home Loan. I know every dollar helps but yeah... it's so little against so much. 
So I had to RE-draw on it last night in a hurry. The minimum was $500 and that was a hit to me as they've increased my mortgage payments because I redrew this money. I pretty much know that they won't reduce it when I put the money back. 

It's a win / lose every time but I guess we have a roof over our heads. 

Will write about our "side hustles" later... I just have to pull out all stops to make changes here. It's hard doing this whilst working full time and caring for the entire family. 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Just a quick note, on my way out to the hospital, to say I hear you and I understand. Not sure if I'll be able to write more tonight, or if I'll be back tomorrow, we'll see how my energy holds up. Happy you found my minimalism thread, I've bookmarked that too, so I don't forget to respond. Related to a lot of what you said.

Agree on your thoughts about your two friends. I've been known to tell counsellors/psychologists off, myself. There is value in being with those friends at the end of their lives, assuming those relationships are healthy and good. Sure it hurts, but it would hurt more and fill a compassionate person like you with regret to walk away at a time like this. It's not in your nature any more than it is in mine.

Hugs,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thanks Blues, I know I didn't need your consent about staying friends with mine but it sure feels good to be heard and validated. 

I was thinking about what you must be doing this weekend. Including racing back and forth from home to LM and back again, perhaps quick stops at the shops for necessities. On repeat. Oh yes I remembered, you also need sleep! 

What a challenge to keep up with, thinking of you. 

Yes I must write on your Minimalism thread soon. Idk what it is that I struggle with? sigh just like that research I was listening to .... 'what was the question?' oh don't worry, look to your childhood. And yet again the answers are there for me lol. VERY messy on every sector, no wonder my mind is a shambles. 

Thankyou for coming in to write on my thread to me! I know now more than ever that every moment you have is so precious. I appreciate you and your time so much! 

Love EM

[ecomama]

*** Trigger Warning*** MH support for children, DV / FV, possibly more topics. Please take care. 

Hey BB family

Some news... Alexa has booked GP appointments for all her children with the intention of receiving Mental Health Care Plans for them all. Her own studies and research, as well as her own MH support and knowing how I've struggled in amongst all this, she can see the need for her children. 

I'm so proud of her doing this. 
We are pretty sure they'll be diagnosed with ADHD as both her and I have been recently also. They suffer with night terrors / nightmares. Extreme fears of their parents dying. I find in early childhood, when children are beginning to process mortality and passing, they generalise this knowledge to their own lives and for a while, there is extreme fear of their parents passing. 
I know not all children go through extreme reactions to these understandings. 

Witnessing FV is what I also want them to have support for. 

I Pray they get the best possible MH support. Alexa has hand picked the person and I trust her 100% in these decisions. I am in awe of her as a mother and get the chance to tell her so sometimes! lol. 

We have so much to recover from and yet also life goes on and we have rising things to recover from, even new things also. As life goes. Quite a challenge. We must persevere. 

Thankyou for listening
Love EM 

[ecomama]

Dear BB

Today's plans didn't work out but that's okay. We can tackle things we had planned over time lol. 

I got to spend some time in my garden, maintenance as per but it was lovely and quite relaxing. 

I'm really enjoying watching this new minimalism channel on YT. She's a lady who's around my age, single, still working full time. She lives in a much smaller space in Sweden but has general principles that I can really relate to. I have lots of kids still at home lol. Lots of big differences, ofcourse. 

Feeling very tired today. The kids didn't finish work till after 1am and I'd stayed awake, with no naps as I like to do, because they were closing "early" ugh... so I was wired till after 3am, doesn't need much to stimulate me and bing me awake. 

Relishing in the DRY weather hahaha. One moment we complain about drought then we complain about flooding. The nature of living in Oz, or at my house! 
Being able to use the clothes line on the balcony is actually a treat! NOT using the drier will help so much with elec bills. 

My 30 day minimalism challenge started today and we collected around 60+ pieces of clothing and bits. I only needed ONE item but maybe I can work it backwards. They're bagged and piled in the hallway ugh. I need to REbag them in larger garbage bags to put in my car for the Blue Charity Bins. 
The cans are out, next! 

Hope everyone's doing ok,
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I know you are like me, strong and able to hold to your morals and your choices. But I know too that being understood and validated are so important. Knowing that someone understands your values and your moral compass, the things that guide your actions and why you can't entertain certain suggestions. Methinks you may also have a "do unto others" mindset. It'd be nice not to be abandoned by our loved ones in our last days, why would we want to do it to someone we care for? LM often tells me he is amazed by how I've stuck by him. To me, doing otherwise would be incomprehensible. This is the man who has loved me and been loyal and made my life bearable, who has been an amazing father to our sweet birds and made their lives better, too. Of course I stand by him, why wouldn't I? I can't imagine doing otherwise.

Good news, LM was discharged yesterday. He called me as I was about to head in to see him, and said I'll be taking him home with me. Couldn't have hoped for better news. I'm hesitant to be too hopeful, it's too soon to be sure, but his condition - though certainly not good - has been relatively stable for the last week or so. We have some small hope the rejection may stop advancing. Small, but not none.

Yeah, keeping up with necessities isn't going well. Complete failure for like two weeks to get any groceries delivered, the website just refuses to work, I've been thwarted some dozen times now. Would have been quicker to just go to the shop in the first place. I am extremely angry.

I'll check in on the minimalism thread next, I see you've been busy there, that's good.

You're welcome, I'm happy to come and check on you. Our conversations are rewarding for me too, I do feel like we have some very healthy mutual support happening. I appreciate you, too.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Just a quick response to this one (I always say that, then waffle for ages). I'm glad Alexa is doing that for her children, they will definitely need some help along the way. Having it now before it's set in like it has for us would be ideal. The night terrors and fears for their parents are wholly understandable if they have witnessed FV, any natural fears would be heightened greatly. I will also say from experience re ADHD that if they are dealing with that as well, boy are we an intense bunch. The emotional dysregulation is a big factor in how we process trauma. I'm certain that has a lot to do with why I get triggered by some seriously random stuff, I hyperfixate on some oddball associations most people probably wouldn't make (it's to do with finding patterns most people can't see) and when I feel it is incredibly intense. I'm given to understand that my ADHD is at the bottom of most of that. You no doubt can relate. On a side note, I am curious - if you don't mind me asking, what led you to seek a diagnosis? Last we spoke about it, you didn't seem too concerned about getting one.

I'm glad you got some gardening in, I know how important that is for you. The minimalism channel on YouTube sounds like it's doing good things for you, too. Forgive my little moment of self aggrandisement, but I think I see my hand in helping you find some things that are helping you. Feels good. 🙂

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Oh Blue, self aggrandise away! hahaha, PLEASE DO. Yes indeed it was you alone, on your Minimalism thread who tried relentlessly to keep me on track with the 3 bedroom swap around. What a great Minimalism Coach you are! 

I'm so lightened and happy that LM is home with you all again now. I know he's not out of the woods but he's home and we'll take that! Congratulations. I'm so happy for you all x 1000. 

I'm going to cogitate upon whether I'm a "do unto others" person. For now I'd say I'm a show (too much) mercy for others ie giving them better than they deserve lol. Prob a result of being a victim / religious upbringing / never say never attitude.... maybe just plain stupid haha IDK. 
I have a very different way of "getting even" than giving back what they gave to me. I'm a Master of the No Contact & 180 Strategies. In the end my 100 ft high, 10 foot thick block walls go up and that's it. 

IDK how many times I've changed my phone numbers and names lol! Given strict directions to family and friends NOT to pass on my personal info. 

I'm nice to a point. Then where I was is nothing but air. 

We are so similar in so many ways. I too cannot abandon my closest people in their times of need, which is why I joined the forums. Mother an all. 

So happy LM is home, YAY! lol. Will post again with more news. 

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear Blues and anyone reading! 

Well a whirlwind happened at work today. A new position is being created. I know I could do the job. Whether I WANT to is a totally other thing altogether. It would be a promotion, so more money. 

So far here are the pros and cons. Thank mum! She taught us to always do a pros and cons list before making major decisions... not saying I would even GET the job. I'm only tossing around whether 

Pros: 
~ more money (meaning less financial stress)
~ utilising my expertise more than now
~ the fun of professional development
~ more learning
~ wider professional circle across sites and levels
~ a step up the career ladder
~ could lead to more promotions. 

Cons next. Sorry I'm taking a call about this very thing. My post will time out lol. 

Talk soon
EM