new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Thankyou for responding when you're being so stretched in every conceivable way. I appreciate you and the time you take to BE with me, as I am with you. 

Hmm yes I searched the Blog and was unable to locate it. 

Strange how the site was down for so long, I spent ages reading and was edgy not being able to respond to people. I considered writing in some Word docs to upload later but decided to go to bed instead. Sleep is so valuable. 

Such a trying, scary and sad time for you, I'm so sorry. This isn't what we think life is about. Sadly sometimes these times occur and knowing we can't do much about it all is the most frustrating part of it IMHO. It's so strange that when we're feeling this way, we can be so exhausted, yet peaceful sleep eludes us. 

Hugs hugs and more hugs. I hope you can stay warm and I Pray for LM's health as both he and you face yet another round of medical intervention.
Hugs, love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Of course I'll respond. I've certainly got my troubles, but I'm still your friend.

If you Google "Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" (with the quotation marks), it's the second thing that comes up. Without the quotes, you'll mostly get irrelevant twaddle.

Yeah, it was a long time to lose access to the forum. With the big changes they've made, there's going to be a period of finding things that don't work and fixing them, I expect. I wish that hadn't left you feeling the way it did. I agree about sleep, it's important, I'm glad you chose rest.

Cynic that I am, I do think this is what life is about. Seems to me that happiness is tiny little diamonds buried deep in mountains of dirt and rocks and stuff that just doesn't sustain us. We eke out what we can. I do agree about the frustration of not being able to do something. Anyone would want to do something, though I expect with ADHD, people like us are all the more action-oriented and suffer more when there is nothing we can do. I agree about sleep, as well. As I said, I'm running on fumes. Fell asleep easy enough last night on account of that, but again I just couldn't stay asleep.

Hugs to you, too, I know you're having your own difficulties and not feeling so great. My capacity is a bit limited, but I'm here.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, 

Nice to "see" you again. 

It's trauma, isn't it? That wakes us so often during the night. How a person can be sooo exhausted and yet not sleep, it's nuts how our psyche affects us even whilst asleep. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can only empathise with your heavy losses, I've not been through the same. I've experienced tremendous loss but not the same. 

I remember one night after 5 Courts, over many years, and complete exhaustion on all levels trying to keep my kids safe... doomsday felt looming more than ever. It was a pinnacle moment, not even thinking I could possibly become more stressed, I didn't think it was possible. 
Then it did... I woke suddenly having a panic attack in my sleep! All 3 layers of clothing (I get severely cold when I'm scared and it was cold weather also) and all my bedding was wet. I had to remove all my clothing, dry myself and rip off all my bedding, it was so wet. 
It was my sweat from the panic attack. 

My lawyer, Barristers, my Bank Manager and myself made it happen with THIRTEEN MINUTES to spare. 
If this didn't happen, in time, I would have lost the kids (putting them in danger of all sorts) and our home as well. 

I still can't believe we were at the brink, had experienced tremendous loss already, but were "saved". 

Sheer bloody minded determination over years. We're all still recovering from the trauma. 

Perhaps that's our "lot" Blue. Struggling to overcome back to back trauma. 

Here for you too, 
EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Trauma can certainly be part of it. Right now I find it's as much just how full my mind is, all the stuff I have to manage. Immediately after losing Sir Pecks I slept and slept and slept. Now LM is in hospital again I'm trying to juggle time with him and taking care of Mr Feisty, not knowing how to get food shopping when I don't have time to do it in person and don't know when I'll be home to accept a delivery. Mind is swirling. My body will take enough rest for my mind to start its racing again then off it goes, heedless of the body itself needing repair as well. Rotten thing.

I think just because the losses we have experienced are different doesn't mean we don't understand each other to a significant extent.

You've mentioned that whole scenario. Very "eleventh hour" as my mum would say. Of course your sleep was disturbed, that would be incredibly stressful. I know all about that "bloody minded determination" you mentioned, we have that in common in our various struggles.

What a lot for us to have. Good thing we're tough.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blues

What's LMs status atm? Is he comfortable? Are the staff being good to him in hospital? 

If you don't have the energy to type a response, that's okay. 

You may not have the mind space / time, to listen to anything atm and process it... I found an incredible YT clip today and thought of you (and my family) instantly. 

It was rather strange actually. PTSD being a thing, then PTG being the post traumatic GROWTH that some people have. I know you've had this growth in the past because you've shown incredible resilience and resourcefulness (DUG DEEP) to get it and there's no doubt there'd been immense struggle. 

The POST traumatic responses come after a period of time has elapsed. Sleeping was what you needed after the passing of Sir Pecks. 
Sleeping is what you can't get during this pressing time. 

I agree with you that we have a deep understanding of each other. 
It's sad that our experiences have allowed us to understand more deeply but it happened anyway, so I'm glad we have a "take away" from it (showing the PTG). 

I learnt so many things today.
I was very busy after being extremely ill last night.
Pretty pooped now. Need to go out at midnight to pick up kids from work. 

Talk soon
Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear BB

I learnt about the research around S.P.I.R.E. today. It was about becoming "anti-fragile" which sounded so weird. The info was inspiring. It inspired me to keep going today after being so ill last night. 

I was going to start a thread on SPIRE but tbh I'm too tired lol. 

I rarely PLAN a visit to my friend Ts house but she called me last night, which is also rare. I went there today. Her daughter is training in a similar profession to mine and I'm SO EXCITED for her success at Uni, awww. 
T wanted same daughter to help me apply for money because we're in a disaster area, Lord knows we've had awful damage and are still in continual clean up & repair mode. 

So the money arrived in my account and each of my children living at home and OUTSIDE our home can also apply. This will help so much. I will not replace the mouldy furniture with this money but it needs to be replaced at some point, some how lol. The kids agreed to invest theirs in our home and I will pay them back when they buy a property of their own. Btw the over 18 kids at home are planning to buy an investment property together, yes it was my idea. There are buffers this way. 

Miracles on top of miracles atm. Our roof held up with the steady rain all night and this morning. We can't quite believe it and just hope this maintains! 

I got cheap chicken seed from a place near Ts house. Yay. 
My Church had so many scraps from Food Pantry so my car was FULL of that too. Yay lol. 

Got $18.90 from cashing in cans lol, THIS is going towards poodle's frequent grooming costs. This way the kids are motivated to collect them from wherever they are. 

I want to join Freecycle on FB to give away good, usable items surplus to our needs. 
Marketplace will get a workout lol. 

EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Just a very quick one tonight, exhaustion is really sitting on my shoulders in a much less cute way than our birds. Interesting thought about post traumatic growth, I like that spin. Food for thought when I have energy for thinking. 

LM had a migraine today, so it wasn't one of his better days. I got to spend time with him and just hold him. That counts, it helps us both. Other things to tell about today, but don't have the heart just now, not re LM. 

Encouraging news about the financial aid you applied for, I hope it is enough to start turning things around. You deserve some good to come your way. Pleased too that you are learning things, I can hear your enthusiasm, you remind me of myself when I get onto a subject of interest. 

Kind thoughts, 

Blue. 

[ecomama]

Hey Blues

I understand you're pulled in so many ways at the moment and this time is really stretching your resources, all of them. 

I can't get into your last page of your Thread atm. It was frustrating this morning. Strangely I was able to get into the last page of mine to read your last post, thank goodness! 

I'm sorry to hear that LM had a migraine yesterday. They're horrid at the best of times. I hope he can get the adjustments to his environment to help allay the symptoms of his migraine. If it gets worse, the Staff there should be able to provide medication? Not sure if it will be contra to his current meds... that's for them to work out I guess. 

I know you'll be stunned by some if the info from the research I saw yesterday. I was quite buoyed by it tbh... like there's hope or something lol. 

At ground level, nothing can "change" the stressors around us and THAT'S what I want! Like a little toddler who can't have her way! I'm emotionally stomping my feet right now and tbh I actually did that last weekend when my loungeroom looked like a pond! GRRRR. 

But the Grrrrs are abound when it comes to being able to support YOU. Dealing with that frustration... GRRR. 

Grrr. More grrrs. 

So beautiful you got to hug and be together. Surrounding you with extended love also, 
LOVE EM

[ecomama]

*** Trigger Warning ***
Good morning BB, 

What a way to wake up this morning... I had a horrid dream that was reliving an event that happened decades ago and it wasn't even a violent event. But when I woke I had the memory of the event AND a simultaneous realisation that it actually WAS about violence. 

When I worked for the Federal Govt I was personally invited to one of my old school teacher's Retirement Dinners. I did love this teacher so I wanted to be there but I didn't as well. I wanted to fade into the walls when I got there. I got FAR TOO MUCH ATTENTION and I hated it. But I smiled graciously and was polite ... until I guess I was HONEST. 

Oh dear this still haunts me clearly. 

They all demanded I make a speech. Oh boy I didn't want to. I was comfortable presenting to thousands of people in auditoriums on research I KNEW. I could do any of that with 2% of the (anxiety I realise now) than that thought of saying something about that teacher. 

I spoke of the incredible things he did for me. 
Then I spoke of the violence. 

I was so outspoken in trying to get violence OUT of schools in the years leading up to this night. 

This was my realisation this morning "Violence at home and violence at school". 
THAT was the problem. People's attitudes to youth struggling really gets my hatred boiling. I don't show it outwardly but I am so protective. 

NO ONE KNOWS what any one is dealing with, young people included! End of rant for now. 

Now I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF that I got up there and exposed the violence in that classroom. It was abuse. It should never have happened much less ALLOWED, but encouraged? THAT IS DISGUSTING. No wonder there are so many damaged people out there. 

Love you all, be kind to yourselves. I LOVE YOU. I am sorry this happened to you. 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Oh boy, you're not kidding about how stretched I am. There's a lot to manage. Sorry to see you had trouble with my thread, I haven't had any so I'm not sure why it's giving you grief. There's nothing on it you don't know about, anyway. Leaning toward my blog at the moment, I don't have to mind my Ps and Qs, there. Got me a few Ps and Qs to get out of the system.

Yeah, migraines suck. They can give him meds for it, but the only ones that touch the headache worsen his nausea, so he was throwing up. Not technically contra to his usual meds, but throwing them up isn't exactly useful.

I'm a bit curious about your research, even if I don't have the energy to follow it up right now. Happy to listen if you want to talk about it. I hear you about the anger around not being able to change the stressors. Also about how hard you've found it to connect with me, re technical stuff. You're succeeding though, and that counts.

Sorry to hear about your dream and the very real themes it's attached to. I don't know the situation you're alluding to, but always willing to listen.

There's a thing in one of your earlier posts I wasn't up to responding to at the time, and I want to. You said: "When I dared to share with ONE friend PART of what's going on... their only real response was about them needing me to help grow food at their place, when can I do that." That made me so angry. I can relate, of course, I've dealt with people like that all my life, who are only out for themselves. Just want to throw in my two cents and reinforce that you do not deserve that. You deserve to be heard and cared for, and you were quite right to stop responding to that selfish person.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.