new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Decision made. I'm not applying for the job. Too much negative impact on my life. I won't list the cons, you'll have to take my word for it lol. 

Different news, I am so proud of Yvette. She decided a week ago to book her Learner's knowledge test. 
She needed to book me in to take her after work. She asked me a week ago for us to do it today. 

Seems like I'm getting my head around my "neuro-diverse" children. It's tricky when I'm also this way but different.

Oh Blues
What made me go to get a formal diagnosis (or get the results either way)? 
Alexa. 
She had studied ADHD more and wondered whether she had it. Also, in turn, whether one of her children has it too. (Or all of them). 
It can often be hereditary.  

We also had tests for ASD / ASC and are not. 

We're all pretty sure that P.son is on the spectrum but he's "only going to do one thing at a time", so doesn't want to see a Psych yet. He's been promoted at work - check. Then needed to get a new car (which happened today) - check. Now is concentrating on getting more L hours, that's enough to manage atm he said. 

Now Yvette believes she's on the spectrum. I was surprised by this, until I spent time thinking about it and she could be right. Females manifest ASD in different ways to males. (Plus she's done some online checklists and always come up as on the spectrum). Not that I trust anything much lol.
She may want to see a psych later but is doing similar to P.son "one thing at a time". 

All the children have always scored incredibly high marks at school. Most of the time in the top 5% of National Exams across all subjects. I thought school would be more difficult for them if they were on the spectrum but it's the SOCIAL difficulties have been considerable. So there it is. 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM, quick one tonight (for reals!). Today LM & I have been recovering a bit from the latest hospital stay and tackling a few little practical things we couldn't do while he was in there. We are really needing to connect and be there for each other. Our grief for Sir Pecks is hanging heavily upon us.

I did want to at least stop in and say hello to you, though, and let you know I'll try to respond to things properly tomorrow. You've had a lot to say on our various threads which has, as usual, resonated with me and given me food for thought. I also wanted to tell you I have missed your wonderful mix of support and gratitude and thought-provoking conversation, and I am greatly relieved to be in contact with you again. Thank you for being you. Talk some more tomorrow.

Kind thoughts, 

Blue. 

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, 

Thanks for popping in and sharing where things are at atm for you guys. I'm very happy for you all that LM is home now. Ofcourse you need some reconnecting time and that's a GOOD THING! 

Some losses we simply never get over IME. We just learn to live and go on, as difficult as this is. 
Smiling and laughing through tears, sometimes, about how much Sir Pecks enriched your lives is part of the journey that I'm sure you're experiencing. 
I'm comforted that you have LM to share in your grief as morbid as that sounds! But just having him there, knowing he also grieves for Sir Pecks must mean a lot. 

Grief and loss is such a difficult part of life. 

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was such a big part of my childhood and teen years, can't remember exactly how but my mother was always talking to me about the grief of losing my brother (her son) and Elisabeth's works. 
My mother began a Group, with a Psychologist, for parents who had lost their babies due to SIDS. This group ran weekly and my brother and I were not allowed in the room ofcourse. But we often could hear the conversations from the next room, well I could. Fortunately my brother couldn't hear it at all. 

Gosh that's a rabbit hole. 

Feeling exhausted today. Jumped into my PJs, + 2 more layers, the moment I got home. 
Depressingly so, the roof is leaking but only in one spot, thankful for that. Sigghhh such an ordeal and no idea how to deal with it but save the massive money... maybe one last repair could tie it over? 

Can't watch the kids play soccer in the rain tonight, I'm too cold, tired and hungry! Lol. 

Busy week ahead. Need lots of rest if I can get it. Up at 5am to drive kids for Open tomoz. Work till late. 

P.son is about to drive his new car to pick up the other kids, on his Ls, so with me also. It's a super car, so luxurious lol. Looks brand new. We've been Blessed to have this car. 

Glad to have you back in my life too Blues. I missed you too my darling friend. 
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Aw, thanks for saying I'm a great minimalism coach (and indulging my self-aggrandisement, hehe).

When I say "do unto others" I don't mean "as they do unto you" but "as you would have done unto you". I would want kindness repaid with kindness, so that's what I give. I would expect bad behaviour from me to be met with an expectation of atonement or a turned back if it were bad enough, it's what I embody in how I treat others. Giving back exactly what we are given... we would become bad people. No thanks.

Glad you decided which way to jump re the job. It's okay to not take on more.

Seems a good reason to get diagnosed. I too was prompted by a family member being diagnosed. It raised questions and as you say, is hereditary. My sister also has ASD, I didn't identify with enough of that to get tested, seems unlikely. I understand P.son & Yvette doing one thing at a time and looking into that later. Definitely true that ASD (just like ADHD) manifests quite differently in males and females. Girls/women with both have been overlooked entirely until quite recently. I don't think ASD has to negatively influence academic ability, nor ADHD, though each can disrupt learning in various ways. I did rubbish at school and brilliantly in adult education, it was a lot about how we interacted with the learning. The social stuff, oh boy, that's the real kicker, of course that's where your kids struggle.

It is a huge relief to have LM home, and you're 100% right about having him home to share my grief for Sir Pecks. We share those memories and that love, it matters. Also we both struggle to feel or to cry and process our grief on our own, we only really succeed together. We need each other.

Those times in your childhood sound trying. I won't guess at what you heard from the next room, but I'll listen if you want to discuss it.

Gah, that roof! I guess only one leak is an improvement. I hope you can have some resolution for this struggle soon.

Glad P.son is enjoying his new car, it's a good feeling moving toward independence.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue! How is LM adjusting / coping with being home? I hope upon hope that his system can accept the organs and just get on with it! Thinking of you all. 

Yes I guess we more or less treat people in the same ways. I really don't trust anyone 100% and don't intend to. I used to and that took me down destructive paths. I do trust some people somewhat. Just not many and not a whole lot. Fine by me! 

When people say they have "trust Issues" after abuse, I think and sometimes say, that's good! 
I've done a 180 now by verifying BEFORE trusting. I was far too optimistic previously. 

Thanks for offering to listen about that group. I don't remember exactly what was said. It was more echoing all the outpouring of grief my mother flooded out very regularly throughout my life to me. I've moved on from that. 

Just strange I remembered that time, that went on for years during my childhood. I haven't recalled it for decades. 

I got a horrible shock with my pay today and was reeling from it. Worse was seeing how my work had CHANGED MY SURNAME TODAY! After decades of not doing that and AFTER divorcing demon. THAT WAS VERY TRIGGERING and it's so frustrating. No one will know who this person IS! 

I'm angry and now have to do ALL the triggering Court paperwork bs to get that changed back! It's going to take me months and months AND more freaking money. 

I've almost felt defeated a couple of times recently. The roof. The messes to repair. Relentless financial stress and seldom ever spending 1 cent on anything for myself. 

I need to have new ways of looking at things but I'm pretty exhausted with it all. 

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: 

Feeling very frustrated today. Psychological triggers were the worst. 

I know WHY I was triggered. It's ALL on me to do the work for other people's mistakes & destructive actions. 

I'm tired, fed up & the demands are relentless. 

I cried in front of the kids for the first time in AGES a couple of weeks ago. I'd been thinking of coming back on the forums but was always so pushed, I didn't. 

My flooding of emotions made me realise I needed SOMEthing in my life that's just mine. Sounds selfish but I've had to be so selfless for so long. I'm lonely & exhausted. 

Knowing my Counsellor is overseas for a month, overload. 

This year has stretched me so much emotionally, psychologically, physically, professionally. 
I can barely face the legal stuff. I'm financially stretched all the time. 

I've been trying desperately to deal with the loneliness of all this, with no help.  

Bf has been nice, but he's not here. Some days we talk for 20 mins. Some days nothing, that's ok, I'm too busy! He annoys me sometimes. 
I wonder how I'd cope if he was here anyway, it could be too much. 

Lol what a whinger I'm being. 

I needed to vent. 
I miss swimming & going to the beach (once in 5y is ridiculous!). 
I miss RIDING MY PUSHBIKE. I have no bike now because demon trashed it.. my lovely bike. 😪

I miss having choices. And I'll complain I miss the kids if they ever move out lol. 

Dug out frozen meals for dinner, relieved I followed my instincts to store so much food when I felt the impulse. 

Tonight I need to bake, prep food, all from scratch. Family invited themselves for dinner tomorrow night & I can't find any food to feed them without making 5 separate things. So I'll have to do this ughh.
Too tired to prep things to sell. 

Need to change this thinking or make some changes here.
EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

LM is doing as well as he can be. I've pretty much stopped work now, as most physical things are quite difficult for him. May be wishful thinking, but I think the decline in his health is slowing, he doesn't seem any worse than a few weeks ago, which is significant given the rate of how it's been worsening. A straw to grasp.

Trust must be earned. I'm open insofar as I deem a thing okay to be public knowledge. Turns out randoms are generally kinder to me about semi-personal stuff in that vein than my own family...

Ah, so just reminded of past events re the group. Hopefully not too upsetting.

I'm appalled and disgusted that your payslip had that surname on it. Of course it was triggering. How can something like that even happen? Coesn't sound like something that could happen through mere incompetence. I can't imagine that would be on you, it should surely be a matter of payroll fixing their records, it's not like you wouldn't have legally valid identification.

I understand so well about that feeling of defeat, I've been there so many times and well know the exhaustion. That said, we have both fought our way right out of that feeling many times, too.

I'm glad you came back to the forums. It is not selfish to want something that is yours. Selfishness is wanting things for yourself to the detriment of those you care about. What can we give those we love if we don't take care of ourselves? With rest and nutrition, support and space to do a few things we love, we are stronger and healthier and more able to give. Starving ourselves of our needs tends to breed hurt, discontent, even resentment toward those who need us. That doesn't serve anyone - not us, not our loved ones. Caring for yourself is important. I understand about BF, but will also say your frustration may be coming from the lack of having other stuff you need, you've said before that being tied to the phone makes you feel like you can't do something like gardening when you need it for soul food. You're perhaps pouring from an empty cup.

Oh, swimming! It's been years for me too, and I love it. It makes me sad I haven't done it in so long. I hear you.

Can you get help selling things? Can you do a pot luck family dinner, ask them each to bring a dish? Might be worth telling them it's too much to do this all, yourself.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thankyou for understanding about having my own time, space and things. It really helps. 

I'm telling you now, from now on, it WILL be a Pot Luck dinner!!! I was so frustrated, for the 1000th time this week. As I dug around for food in our freezers, got stacks of all types of veges out last night, carried on... then after work between all sorts I prepared all the meat and veg and only found out AFTER 6pm that the visiting family weren't coming. What. 

They had very good excuses and ofcourse I didn't carry on or anything. 

I had SO MUCH food everywhere, doing this during the week and all... I'll try not to waste anything but omg. 

It would be so hard to work when LM needs your care. Totally get that! 
I've taken so much Leave without Pay over the years (running out of paid leave), that's why my recent pays were so much less. My work doesn't take the days' pay out logically - like one per pay, nooo lol they do it all in a totally random chunk. Randomly, making no logical sense. 

My surname, don't get me started grr. 

I get that it's hard to survive without the pay but sometimes we really have little choice in the matter for people we love and need to care for. It's just that complicated. 

So I'm going to have lunches for a week! I need to freeze as much as possible. 

The kids can't really help me alot to do the online selling. They've moved the heavy furniture after weeks of asking them to do it lol but it happened and I'm grateful. I need to clean this one large piece. Can't wait to clear more stuff out that we simply don't need and tbh is annoying me having it here. 
I know for sure that so many people would love to have these items at bargain prices. 
Most were given to us. I don't like them lol. No words left prob lol..

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Glad I can be of some help. I know you struggle to put yourself first, but when you can't give yourself the same care you give others, you end up with nothing to give anyone. Your needs matter every bit as much as anyone else's.

Readying for that dinner does sound very frustrating. I would have been furious at a last minute cancellation for that, surely they know you have more than enough to deal with already. Perhaps not a bad thing to have a lot of food now, though, silver lining and all that. I hope it goes a long way toward being organised for lunches and things.

Yeah, work is on the backburner for now. When I have a better sense of whether he's stabilised, whether he can have another transplant, etc. I might try doing some short shifts again, but not right now. He needs me, that's more important. Mind you, lucky it co-incided with my tax return coming in, we can live on that for a little while, sorting out a Carer's Payment is one of those long-winded things, and a bunch of stuff Carer's Gateway approved has thus far not been forthcoming. Even with my tax, if we were relying on my supports not LM's, I'd have to work anyway or we'd be on the street. At least one of us has anyone in our lives that actually does anything useful.

Wow, your work sound really dodgy with payroll. I've had minor problems with mine, but nothing like that. Our office lady is in quarantine at the moment, so last week didn't go quite how I'd have liked, but at least I know that's a temporary problem, our regular lady is really good and fixes any problems quickly. I wish you had the same, you don't deserve the mess you're dealing with now.

Anyone other than kids that could help? We offered our friend a percentage of the profit for helping list our stuff - he actually declined that, but most people wouldn't lift a finger without it, it's how I got my brother to help sell some stuff when I split with my ex. I hear you about getting given stuff you don't even like. I had to learn to say no, funny how important that word can be.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

That's great that you're applying for the Carer's payments. I know it's not a lot. I hope the path to receiving the money is clear & straight forward for you all. xxxx

Yeah eyeroll to payroll. Annoying. 

I could've lost my top about dinner but the apology was sincere (quite severe illness plus more) & was enough for forgiveness. Covid has increased alot in our area, things look like tightening up here. Mask wearing soon we think.. 
Patience required so I'm digging deep for that!

I took a long HOT bath tonight and watched my dear friend (lol) do her Call to Courage show... love that lady. 
She's funny & makes me smile. :-))

The online selling is all on me. Tbh, I don't know anyone who is desperate enough for money to take it on. 

In the past I even offered people to take ALL the profits & they turned it down.

We liked "the idea" of a leather lounge. Not comfortable at all. 
My brother delivered a 6 month old washing machine! He didn't realise a friend had already delivered a quite new one to us the same week. 
We've been blessed to have people respond with generosity when we needed it. 

My friend T got a massive inheritance. Bought stacks & can't be bothered returning items that don't suit!
Like beautiful, brand new blinds. They delivered 3 here, worth so much money. I'm yet to see if they'll fit any of our windows. She told me to sell them if they don't. Yeah, this kind of thing. 

Other than large, quite valuable stuff, we put it all in the Charity Bins. 
Got another 12 items for them today! 

I'm an over achiever in my Minimalism Challenge hahaha... so much STUFF going OUT. 
99% of my clothing has been designer label hand me downs, some with the tags still on! Wow hey... people have so much money lol. 
I'm not selling any of that, it's all going to the Charity Bins. 

Now I'm out of the Courts era, less & less is coming our way. Good for us then that it did, good for us now that it's not lol. 

So much "up in the air" stuff goes on here, it pays to be ultra flexible. Lunches for sure lol. 
Love EM