new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Croix

Yes, the reasons why people "stay" in abusive relationships are numerous & varied. I'm still recovering from many years of Courts to get that demon criminal's tangly tentacles out of our lives. Mine was 100% fear of what would happen to the children. I can't write more about it atm.

Now S. It's too raw.

It gives me great comfort that you understand. I'm sorry for whatever you've been through that brought this understanding.

Forgive me for poaching your spot Croix with an additional comment on forgiveness to Mara et al lol.

"Water finds it's own level" …. to rise above the murky waters where these swamp monsters live is like swimming in crystal clear waters high in the mountain tops.

Forgiveness doesn't alter 'them' it alters us.

Okay Croix my cat completely agrees with Sumo cat lol. I'm a cat, dog, chicken person. The dogs are more boisterous. The cat looks at the dogs from up high with half closed eyes as he flicks his tail over the sideboard to tease them. You can see him smirking at the dogs when HE gets his dinner first & I know when the cat is interested in what we're having for dinner, so he always gets some.

ALL our pets are rescued. They've all been abused or neglected, some extremely. They get mountains full of love here. We had 20 chickens delivered one night & when I shone a torch on them I could not believe they had no feathers on half their bodies! :-(((((
It was Autumn, so you know what I did every night.... made them hot water bottles. For months. The rescuers said to only expect a 50% survival rate & I couldn't let that happen. All of them survived. I had 26 chickens altogether.

My church gave me scraps and stale bread from their Food Pantry. They learnt how to walk and how to eat real food, like grass and pizza - you know, REAL food. We healed and rehomed most. Foxes moved in, so the remainder sleep in my laundry! lol heavens. We even had an injured Brush Turkey move in with them until she healed and just watched me as I put the laundry on at night and ran the drier! Talk about a jungle. We feed the possums on our balcony and their babies poke their heads out and it's GORGEOUS! I had one walk across my lap one night and froze.

One of my old girls is nearly totally blind now but she's fat and healthy. She prefers potato bake with bacon lol.

I cannot imagine a time in my life where I don't have at least one dog, one cat, SOME chickens. The occasional Brush Turkey.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Sleepy21 said:

Hello Em and Mara

Hope you are staying warm. Electric blankets are a good investment for this winter!!
I know you said your therapist isn't into EMDR EM, are you looking for somewhere else to do it?
i'm also having a hard time reading or concentrating. I do read small bits at a time but rather ashamed how long it's taking me to finish anything. Hope you're all staying warm and cosy. EM, like your daughter I am completing an honours course. I wish your daughter luck with it!!

Just a note Sleepy21...… have you ever read "Illusions" by Richard Bach? This book actually got me reading again a long time ago. Just in time to commence a Post Grad Degree.

It's a small book but the most fascinating and delightful story that has accompanied me for so long. I used to carry a copy around in my handbag lol. I had 3.

When each of my children leave home, I give them a copy of this book.

Thankyou for reminding me to put it on my booklist. So much has been taken here but we are in Full Restoration mode.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM,

thank you so much for the book recommendation - i love it!!! have to check it out!!!!

i met someone in hospital who had a situation where they had to barracade their home - i hope it feels satisfying to have that protection. I can imagine it could provide comfort.
I think it's brave and smart that your daughter deferred, sometimes we just need a little space!!!

i'm enjoying all my new tech and didn't even realise how much money I spent on this stuff with the pandemic, but honestly not regretting it!

Before the pandemic I had NOTHING in my apartment, not even an internet connection, no entertainment etc. I'm glad i got some of this because it really helps me feel a little cosier.

Sending good wishes for your daugher and for you with your psych appointment! Sometimes a hard choice to know who to see. An in-demand psych could be really really good - or just works part-time lol.
I like that you are exploring different options. I'll look up the book xx

[Mara56]

Hi Sleepy 21,

I love my electric blanket, definitely one of the best investments I've ever made. It took some convincing to get my DH onboard but once he tried it he was convert too.

I used to be a ferocious reader. I'm not joking when I say I worked my way through the local library. My kids were very sick kids when they were younger. They spent a lot of time in hospital. The stress of caring for them combined with the C-PTSD made it extremely difficult for me to concentrate. Since that time, if I read a book, I have to often go back and reread sections. That said, despite this issue, I did manage to return to study. I found strategies to assist me with my study. I organised study groups at my home. And that helped enormously.

I'm sure you will do extremely well with your honours course.

Take care, and stay warm.

Cheers

Mara

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Hugs right back at you.

Awesome effort writing down all your strategies. I agree their are times when crutches are worthy too. I guess it depends on what the crutch is. Drugs, alcohol & gambling are obvious strategies that can be quite dangerous. That said, I know that you &I don't do any of those things. I remember once in one of my sessions, I was getting annoyed at myself about one of the strategies I use around my son's anniversary. My psych was so compassionate about it and as a result, I don't worry about it any more, I know I only do it for a few days & then it returns to normal. As you say crutches can be worthy too.

I totally understand what you are saying about forgiveness. I have had that discussion with my psych many times. Indeed I did forgive my parents about 18 months after they died. All was good as I said in an earlier thread, until I got triggered in hospital 18 months ago. At the moment my focus is on expressing the enormous and justifiable rage I have towards them. It has taken me 36 years to get to this point and that is where my focus needs to be.

In relation to all the SA, that's a whole different thing. What I went through from the age of 5 no child should ever have to experience. Maybe one day, I will forgive them, but at this point I'm not there.

I do like your visualisation and I will tuck it away for future reference.

They haven't had power over me for years. I took control of my life the day I entered therapy. As I've said to my therapist many times, they took my childhood and my youth be damned if I will give them my life. I think my commitment to my therapy is one of the reasons he is fond of me.

It is difficult to explain where I've been in the past 18 months without explaining what happened in hospital and what it did to me. To do that I would struggle to explain it within the character limits and the community guidelines.

When I got triggered, I had been in such a good place for such a long time, it took my psych a few sessions to realise what had happened. Once I read my letter of complaint to the hospital, he totally understood why I was triggered.

Thank you for your thoughtful post. I will remember your visualisation.

Yes we do have LOVE. I am blessed to be surrounded by it. I have my beautiful DH, I won lotto when I met him. My wonderful son and beautiful grandbabies, and some truly lovely friends.

I hope your session goes well today. I can't wait for mine, only 6.5 hours to go.

Love

Mara

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mara,

Thank you for sharing. it must've been hard to focus at that time or maybe even find the desire to read.

I also used to be very interested in reading. It's great that you found ways around it and did your degree - maybe these struggles are phases, I don't know.

I ordered 3 second hand books when covid began and have read like 1/4 of one 😞 I'm not sure if I still am a reader or not. I do try and read articles and the newspaper but even that sometimes is too much, so i go to a lower level and read trashy magazines or even comics, and I enjoy that. short and sweet and to the point, I guess.

Thanks so much for your wishes for my honours studies!! The recommendation of the electric blanket is definitely recommendd.
the pyshologist said the cold is affecting me and I am hoping to try and warm up my place, so maybe that's the next step. hope ur day is brilliant and thanks, i was happy to get your reply 🙂

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy21

Totally my pleasure. I'm also experiencing what you and Mara have described ie being a reader with a voracious appetite to not being able to remember the paragraph I just read.

TBH I know that now is my time for OUTPUT. Writing. Here, in journals, notes in my phone. But I have the little positive affirmation type books nearby by Oprah, Maya Angelou and others.

I think my "reading" ability or at least reading a whole book type activity was lost after a major traumatic event and ofcourse ensuing trauma responses triggering my PTSD very badly. I shook like crazy for 18 months.
After that I sought to work out my emotions, understand the offender via psychological web pages and books like that. I took ALL that information in lol because it was RELEVANT to me. I needed it.

"Entertainment" type books were not even in my realm of want then and since.

Now I voraciously seek support for my MH and my children's MH and stability.

I can't look back wistfully and yearn for my earlier behaviours because I feel now that they kept me in the dark. I could remain in denial if I kept these things up.

SO they are away for another time maybe. It's fine. I do what is relevant and necessary lol, I use this forum to read and write - obviously, that's okay and enough for now.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: STP session 2

I have decided to stay with this psych until.... (no fixed date) I will engage in an EMDR run at some point however I decide that can occur in the future.

Today's session was VERY much better. She apologized for making me do the psychometrics - after which I shook till 1am for over 12h.

We talked some things through ie the 2 police events in 2 weeks - still angry about them.
We understood that I was put on the defense by her remarks. She said I spoke so articulately and knowledgably about things that she wondered whether I had PTSD at all (and to refer me on to another type of psych).
She also combined the results of the Kessler with the initial very long questionnaire.

Results:
CLEARLY I have PSTD and no wonder.
She was very surprised that I was not suffering from depression as a result of everything.
(I AM SO GLAD FOR THAT).
She said a vast majority of her patients have depression and this can be a real obstacle to her being able to treat their PSTD.

I told her that I HAVE previously suffered from deep, prolonged depression in the past but fought very hard to understand this. It took many years to beat it, so I know the difference. Drs tried twice with anti-depressants but my body could not tolerate even one 16th of the dose. I would sleep for days on one 16th. So I dumped them by phasing out the one 16th lol to a grain of sand size, then done. My GP oversaw this.

Gardening was my savior I told my psych. Growing organic food, getting involved with huge local movements & sharing within the community.
My psych was VERY excited to hear this as none of the questions I answered gave room for this type of information.

Hence she wanted my non-exhaustive, 4 page list (lol) of the strategies I've used to try to help me cope etc.

I gave her my 3 favourites verbally and she had never heard of them, she also thought they were great. Yeah. I made them up BUT they haven't "cured" me.

One thing that I scored high in - no surprise to me at all - was anxiety. SURE I have a billion truck loads of energy lol, I KNOW I've got anxiety. My adult children say I've got the energy of 5 people. Probably 5x more anxious too lol. Dear me. But I can sleep relatively well now and have far fewer nightmares.

She was also concerned about my "combat" energy. Strong. Assertive. I call it combat. It's anxious, protective energy.

There's definitely Dissociative amnesia indicated. SELF care is a major point to work on. Ugh.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, Sleepy21 and Croix and any others reading, warm very physically distant hugs guys. Eye roll.

Re: S and situation.

Phew what a HUGE week. What a challenging time this is and thought of moving forward I can't dwell on.
One day at a time converts to 30 min time slots atm.

That's ok. Anxiety is only from the top of my head to my shoulders atm - manageable. When it bounds my chest so I can barely breathe, THEN there are problems at HQ. When I have whole body anxiety then every organ goes askew - literally. It would be wonderful to swim and wash any and all anxiety right out.

In the present circumstances, with life security at stake, it would be completely brainless of me to be entirely relaxed.

S is still pretty much falling apart. Giving up her honours is a huge sacrifice, she's determined to finish it one day - I asked her to think of it as a "pause" while she looks after her physical and MH. She's extremely scattered with emotions etc. We are delivering them food, doing washing, keeping her company. She has to keep working PT in a very challenging job.

There's a definite change for the better in her decisiveness over the end of the abusive relationship.
She's "DONE". (For now, this has happened before and the wily creature does the repeat).
Thank goodness for her saying this much.

There are very young children involved so it's all awful really but not impossible.

I hope she can find hope in a project we planned last year and put off. This gave her feelings of happiness when I spoke of it. We began initial plans, it will be healing.

Thanks for listening
EM

[Guest_1643]

i feel that you're taking great care of S and letting her know that it's okay to take a break.
It's a big lesson in life that we don't have to push ourselves to the point of pain, we can also be kind and have a breather. I hope this serves your daughter well,

Sounds good re the psych! You've been workig so hard xx