new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_1643]

hi em i'm so sorry i am using my comptuer and it glitched and showed me your replies starting from 27 may, so was responding to your update on your therapist sessions.

will reply when i can get up to date. sorry for any confusion.

Not doing very well today technologically, everything around me appears to me breaking!

take care xx

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

You are so right about acceptance. I am constantly working on that. And yes we definitely don't take things lying down. After the Dr's appt today I am in PTSD organised mood if you know what I mean. I'm on a mission to get on top of my current health situation. So glad I know my specialist really well it wouldn't be pretty if I had to go through a repeat of today with a new specialist. Lololol.

Oh I wish my psych's wisdom could transfer to your psych. I can honestly say in 16 years my psych has only mucked up once. He had a cold & his hearing wasn't the best. I tend to talk softly when I'm disassociating. Long story short he misheard what I said & responded according to what he heard. Because I trust him I believed what he said. The outcome was not good. Trying to chose my words carefully so as not to trigger anyone but essentially I gave up I lost hope & you can join the dots. DH was worried about me my GF was worried & so was my physio. A few days later my DH encouraged me to ring the psych. Reluctantly I rang. He was devastated & so apologetic. He came in on a Sat to see me free of charge. Absolutely refused to accept any payment. He took full ownership for what happened. It made all the difference. I could certainly understand how it happened. I guess in 16 yrs he's allowed a mistake especially when he owns it. My hope for you on Thurs is that your STP can hear where you're coming from. That if it is a misunderstanding she wears it. If that's not the case I know how committed you are to your MH & I know you will do what you need to do & if that means finding a new psych I know you will do it.

I know that some psychs specialise with different PTSD clients such as service personnel. I'm sure you'll read my reply to Croix. I use to have clients in those professions sent to me by a Dr for treatment. For identity protection all I'll say I was in affiliated health. I had quite good success with these clients & felt enormous empathy for them. But not once did I recognise that we had the same symptoms. It's bizarre to look back at that. But no one had mentioned PTSD to me and I thought given what I'd experienced that it was normal to be like I was.

I also have respect for service personnel. They have to deal with horrific things on a daily basis. However what you have been through is equally as horrific. I just hope your STP has dealt with DV victims previously. If not I'm sure you'll find a psych who does EMDR.

Well I'm off to bed.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Croix (& a wave to Mara, Sleepy21 & anyone else reading... please chime in ANY time, we all value your posts!)

Please don't be afraid you'll offend me. GOSH your posts are so warm, kind & supportive! Your INTENTION to help comes through loud and clear, I SO appreciate your feedback. Your posts re: my situation echoes all the IRL psych friends here. You help validate everything they are saying, but I often worry that my IRL psych friends are too compassionate towards me and could be clouded in their judgement lol.... & my chiro too but it's never happened that so many people are aligned on the same points! Ever lol.

You are aligned exactly.

I agree with everything you've said.

I'm SURE plenty of professionals help others immeasurably without knowing what it actually feels like to go through the pain of eg open heart surgery.... broken back etc even in MH.

But sadly I see so few psychs who have experienced the trauma of DV / FV / etc.... no wonder too, for all the obvious reasons. One of my adult children is training at a high level in psychology, so there's ONE lol.
The empathy availed through personal experience cannot be taught. Cannot be bought.

To many victims. it comes as a TOTAL SHOCK when outside agencies are labelling the situation as DV.
That's how good the Mind-effing, gaslighting, smoke screening is of the cunning offenders.
The victim blaming is tremendous & impossible for outsiders to glean.

As I know perpetrators of DV mostly choose partners who are empaths, the above strategies they use work well.

The victim ends up blaming themselves for not cleaning the floors well enough, using too much electricity, buying the children clothing, not earning enough, the list is as high as the stratosphere...not this enough, too much of that. IT'S DISGUSTING.

Now I can see a DV situation from a million miles away.

I digress lol, it's a very different situation and unless one has experienced it, & THEN has a freight train load of education on it, to be able to understand it, it's virtually impossible TO understand.

'Why didn't you leave?' Is demeaning. IME a comment from people who were also cunningly deceived themselves. Perps work on their persona. Never their character.

The threats are usually what keeps a mother in DV situations and the Courts / processes do not help.

The Police are so powerless, because of Court's decisions & that's a dismal society to live in for victims of DV. If they live.

Be frank, I'm open to it lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Sleepy21 said:

hi em i'm so sorry i am using my comptuer and it glitched and showed me your replies starting from 27 may, so was responding to your update on your therapist sessions.

will reply when i can get up to date. sorry for any confusion.

Not doing very well today technologically, everything around me appears to me breaking!

take care xx

Oh Sleepy! What a pain! IT can be a four letter word some times lol.

Glad you have your nice TV up, well done you! Once it can be plugged in, we may not hear from you for a while lol.

Thankyou for chiming in and letting me know how things are there.

I really value your input.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

I agree with everything you've said in your estimation of my situation. LOL. Surprise surprise.

Thank you for your support.

Yes I liken wrangling with the issues we face something like wrestling a buffalo some times.

Acceptance is a biggie but forgiveness is too.

I'm NOT telling you to forgive anyone. Just mentioning it.

And I forgive your psych his one mistake in 16y too lol. Gosh he IS human! My chiro made 1 mistake in about the same time but it was also a psychological mistake. I think he's been forever trying to make up for it, even though I never mention it lol.

I'm awake in the middle of the night. I was edgy that I couldn't use my laptop due to the kids needing it for school work lol.... darned school, so I went to bed earlier than usual. I'm minding Ss pets and it's a JUNGLE in here! O...M...G lol. I'm SO glad all the pets aren't fighting. But Ss pets have anxiety so are all sleeping with us in our beds ughh lol. We all have electric blankets and it's FREEZING tonight. So they're loving that. All our pets are rescue animals, so they arrived with anxiety and it's easily triggered. Little darlings. Nanny ie ME is spoiling them, one is on my lap atm.

Plus S is doing a night shift. So I'm anxious about safety somewhat. I'm texting now. Great, got a response immediately. S is home in bed now. Maybe I can sleep now.

For all the reasons I mentioned above to Croix for psychs treating PTSD patients, I think THAT'S why EMDR can be so successful for the 'out of the box' cases. IDK and I'm not purposely doing data collection, it's just the way my mind works. If you think about it... a treatment where the patient is VERY willing therefore more suggestable, and it's broadspan and yet specific in the patient's minds factors.... I think there's a great combination.

I AM determined to have EMDR. Maybe soon, maybe later but it's on my BUCKET list lol! What a good name for a thread lol. Who has a BUCKET LIST for treatments omg... we do. Also on my bucket list are ALL the books that were stolen on NPD and all the other disorders, schemas etc. Plus some of the new ones I saw mentioned here.

I can't settle to read a book atm. I read plenty here and on other sites anyway.

One more cuppa lol...

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I like your analogy of wrestling a buffalo. I reckon by the time were finished we could easily be the star acts in a Rodeo. Lol.

Acceptance is easier for me than forgiveness. I know how important it is to forgive. I also know that forgiveness is an important part of the healing process. That said I have endured some horrific things. If I had experienced just one trauma perhaps I would have been able to forgive. Certainly in situations where the other party takes ownership of what they did I can easily forgive them. In relation to what I endured throughout my childhood & through till my late 20's that at this stage I can't forgive. Hopefully once I express the rage I feel I may be able to but at this stage, I'm not there, & to be honest I don't know if I'll ever get there. I am so enraged by what that poor child had to endure. It's all very raw today. Thankfully I have my session tomorrow yeah!

Yes my psych is human. Lol. He is very much like your chiro he feels so bad about that misunderstanding & I do get the feeling that he's trying to make up for it all the time. His secretary tells me that he's very fond of me. I know he sees something in me that I don't. He wanted me to consider training as a counsellor. I dismissed that idea then I had the massive triggering 18 months ago & I was glad I didn't take up his suggestion. Mind once I get out of this current head space I would like to do some volunteer work with DV victims or with abused children.

Aww reading about you snuggling with S's pets made me a little envious. My cat died 2 years ago & I so want a dog but it's not possible till we shift. This damn house hopefully it will sell this weekend.

I'm not surprised they have anxiety issues. Rescue animals often do & with what's been happening at S's home I'm sure it has unsettled them. Glad they are safe & warm with their Nanny.

I can imagine how anxious you must get when S is doing night shift. I am praying she continues to stay safe.

So far EMDR has been the best therapy I have had. I had hoped to have a session this week but too much other stuff to go over. I'm not sure there will be enough time. I know in the States they use EMDR as a treatment for ex-service personnel with PTSD & they have had some really good results with it. My therapist said initially he was sceptical about it but over time as he did more study on it he found it worked really well for people with PTSD.

I also struggle with reading. Another snap! Lol

Love

Mara

[Guest_1643]

Hello Em and Mara

Hope you are staying warm. Electric blankets are a good investment for this winter!!
I know you said your therapist isn't into EMDR EM, are you looking for somewhere else to do it?
i'm also having a hard time reading or concentrating. I do read small bits at a time but rather ashamed how long it's taking me to finish anything. Hope you're all staying warm and cosy. EM, like your daughter I am completing an honours course. I wish your daughter luck with it!!

[Croix]

Dear Em~

Your words reminded me, some time ago I was with a group of people that assisted those who were the subjects of DV. We got to discussing the reasons why "Why don't you leave?" is such nonsense. We filled up 2 pieces of butcher's paper in small writing before we gave up.

For many leaving is simply not an option

Sumo Cat, at my elbow as usual, can't conceive why you would want a dog:)

Croix.

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, big hugs.

I'm so glad for your psych tomorrow. Yay! Mine.... errrr….. ummm…. lol. Ya know. I actually DID write the strategies I have used throughout MY LIFE (omg what an expectation!), she condescendingly called them 'crutches'..... and I am SO angry about the racism going on that I'm feeling like taking EVERYTHING head on lol. CRUTCHES are worthy too! Like what the..?

I began writing my strategies in a PTSD reactive time post 2nd police event last week and I wrote and wrote and WROTE.
It poured out from me. A worthy way of dispelling anger lol. I've ended up with 4 freaking pages! In dot points, not exhaustive either. In 4 stages of my life - early childhood, teen years, adult years from 20+, recent 5 years. When she's on the phone with me tomorrow, I will say I can email it to you now.

Forgiveness...… just a few point to ponder your freedom:
* forgiveness does NOT mean that you love the perpetrators - it is a loving act for yourself.
* forgiveness does NOT require pewky understanding of whatever crap they justified actions with - it's an understanding of how the release of these creatures FREES you.
* I visualize the creatures wrapped up in lol cheesecloth similar to Jesus' in His tomb - they'll burn on Judgement day all right. I digress lol... Cheesecloth balls of demons tied up thrown away from me. The cheesecloth is Holy forgiveness. God's ties bound them. They are taken away from me and indeed they are.
* forgiveness is Mercy manifested IMO. I am mercifully releasing ALL ties to the miniscule creatures who attempted to dominate me. They may have for a short while, but I prevailed! I WON. I won every minute of every day by my release.
* forgiveness does not mean you have to face them. Acknowledge them or their vile crimes. You can do the cheesecloth exercise because you are indeed released for all time.

The FEELING is one of FREEDOM. Just another F word is forgiveness lol. It doesn't take long. Just a wrap and throw. Goneskis. Have a shower lol.

They HAVE NO POWER over you. Not any more. Our healing is present within us. If we're still breathing, Rodeo sister, then we still have the POWER.

And the MAJOR difference between 'them' and US, is that we have LOVE. What a BEAUTIFUL gift. We can love ourselves just enough love for ourselves to release by forgiving.

OH I AM SO doing EMDR one day lol. It's out there and I am having some. I just know that it will be lovely.

Love you
EM

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy21 dear pal,

Oh well done YOU! What an AMAZING feat to be doing your Honours. UGHHHHH what a massive amount of work.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE. Big hugs.

Yes I found out after I booked with this psych (after being misled by other btw) that she doesn't do EMDR.
But I am not actually bothered by that atm. I will see what I can learn from her, tomorrow could be our last appt lol, and I will most definitely find someone who does.

EMDR is calling me lol beckoning me …. I'll get there one day. I'm closer each day lol. All good.
I have very high faith that this therapy can work so well. I have not heard one negative! NOT ONE.

My current psych comes SO HIGHLY recommended that I don't really want to throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet. She is extremely difficult to get an appointment with and has moved heaven and earth to schedule appointments for me. She may have some merit lol! I'm sure she does, just not sure if we 'match' and that's okay too. Horses for courses.

How's your technology going?
Mine has cost me a PACKET since the kids had to start learning from home. OMG so much money. But now we have so many repeaters lol, you name it. Then ofcourse another hiccup with our CCTV..... suspiciously, but I'll get that fixed asap. I'm having all sorts of gadgets installed and it's like freaking Fort Knox here! Heavy metal shutters on all windows, security doors everywhere. Security windows on all downstairs windows. Man it's crazy.

Now to catch a thief lol.

Yeah my S will probably defer now but that's ok. The stress and injuries she has now are insurmountable paired with an Honours degree. She works very hard too in a very difficult job. It's too much right now. She needs to heal. She's doing really well IMHO. Courts are pending at some point which is a terrible stressor too.

We also have to support the children. Thank goodness they LOVE LOVE LOVE their uncles and aunties here!
It's a ball when they all get together, so cute how the older ones play lego with them and all sorts.

Best wishes for your studies. Big hugs.

Love EM