Moving on but feeling vulnerable

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am getting past my last big attack of ptsd and I’m not backed up into a corner emotionally and figuratively as I was before. I’m expressing myself better and wanting more out of life again. So all positive signs and took a lot of work too.

But I have a really strong feeling of loneliness and detachment from the world and everyone in it. I’m lonely when I go out when I’m home and I feel unwanted ignored and like I don’t belong. I suppose it’s not a new feeling but I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or even worse that no one wants me anywhere.
Im a pretender I work and shop and live but I don’t really feel that I’m valued or that people really don’t like me.
Is it self centred or self obsession or that I’m still always watching for danger and I’m on guard still.

thanks MC

[mmMekitty]

💖Hi MC, I have found you, too! 😺 I saw your posted in my Discussion 'Introducing mmMekitty', & clicked on your name & that takes me to your Profile, where I see a short list of Discussions you've made & another short list of Discussions you have posted in. That's how I found this Discussion again.

You sure are in the wars again, MC. I'm going to suggest, if BB wants to make another big upgrade, that they do so in small steps. It's so much, & I've noticed many of us are feeling some anxiety & distress about navigating all these changes, feeling unable to connect, to support or feel supported while we struggle with the new stuff & how things are arranged. It's a lot to cope with atop everything else each of us is coping with.

So, now I found I can find the discussions people have made, I will get around & catch up, just clicking on their name, & feeling assured one or other Discussion there will be leading me to them.

You are one who is on my mind quite often, you know, once a day, at least.😼

You could find Croix this way, yourself.

I will try to be around for you, but, it is difficult.. 💖💖💖💖💖

Try to be kind & forgiving of yourself. Do you know of a song that would match the rhythmn of the breathing pace that helps you to calm yourself? I'm wondering if you can think of a song that might help pace the breathing. Funny, I'm thinking of 'Moon River', by Andy Williams right now. Even as it b

I'm thinking, we can take the small wins, a  happy talk, some pride in the effort we make, a few minutes here & there - if that's all there is, then let's make the best of it. Sometimes I don't know what else there is to do.

Warmly,

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Thinking of you, MC, sending my 💖💖💖💖your way.

You show so much determination. Ever so much more than I have ever felt myself, 

I don't know much about the treatments you are doing for your foot, but I sure hope with all my heart they will be effective & get your foot healing.

Treat yourself with the utmost care & consideration, if only because your grandkids love you & it's important for them to have their grandma. The world feels a much lonelier place without the thought that there are these relatives out there, who know us & love us. The extended family is a way to feel we are all related to each other, as humans, a family of humans, rather than as isolated beings with no sense of belonging. This is something you can give them, just being there, open arms & ears, with a smile. The same goes for your daughter.

This is hard for me, having no real connection with my father & mother. It's a source of deep pain & loss for me. 

She may not seem to need you, certainly not like when she was young, but don't underestimate the importance of your presence in her life. & if you two a good relationship, this is also a gift to your grandkids, as an example of what a good relationship looks like. Kids growing up without seeing what good relationships (of all kinds), look like, don't tend to have good relationships themselves.

I hope my words can help you feel your value & importance.

💖💖💖

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Oh, MC, looking for my Discussion thread, 'Introducing mmMekitty'? Like how I found you here, click on my name next to my picture, & it will take you to my profile, & scroll down, to a list of Discussions, including 'Introducing mmMekitty', & click that link. Hope I see you soon. 😺

Warmly,

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Im not feeling too well I’m wheezing a bit have terrible headache and fatigue. Swollen belly too I’m not sure if I’m sick or just exhausted from my emotions. I think it’s asthma and will start the medication for that see how it goes. Very quiet here I keep nodding off. 

I really appreciate the response mmMekitty I’m doing fine. I’m going to find reasons for me to be happy and focus on myself and my happiness. 

I tried to logon before to respond but I have to keep typing in password etc and I couldn’t do it. 

I hope I’m not getting sick again because I really need to get up and out a bit more to build up strength. Sick of being sick 

Hope everyone is having a good day and getting some sunshine. 

MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty 

Yes we have a good relationship she is a very good daughter. She’s got a sharp tongue and can push me away at times but that’s her self defence mechanism. I try not to react and she always says sorry and explains why she was being that way. She needs her space and when I do see her it’s always a happy time. The grandkids adore her and want to be like her when they grow up.

 I had the grandkids for a day and it was a quick visit and I’m sick again. My friend said I get sick after I see them. Maybe it’s stress related there’s so much stress getting them here and I go through a lot of anxiety it’s something for me to look at. 
I really do feel the loss of family. Having strong ties to dependable people would be great. I’ve adopted my in-laws as family and they are ok and always nice to me. They are not really reliable but they will do and all I have. I call every month or so and get them to come to lunch or go see them. They probably are not sure what is going on but they know I suffered a trauma and I have been grieving. 
Im hoping that joining community groups I can extend my friends group and have some long term relationships come from that. 
MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

As wonderful as any grandkids can be, looking after them, even for a few hours, is stressful. It's a big responsibility, these kids, & I'm sure you worry should any harm come to them. How do you feel while they are with you?

Stress & anxiety certainly can bring on some physical symptoms, & I believe, exacerbate some conditions. I have sometimes thought that while I am highly ost concerned about a particular symptom or condition, I feel it more, as if it is worse. Then again, I think to myself, it is my anxiety & my focusing on it so much that it seems to loom larger in my mind. & it seems a great time for distractions & diversions.

Joining a social &/or community group, doing voluntary work, or taking up lesson as a member of a group lesson, learning something new together, all these types of things can lead to some long-term friendships. It takes time, & accepting some risk that a possible friendship may not develop.

I like the idea. For myself, I'm still too wary.

💖💖💖💖

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

im waiting for my gp to call. I’m full sick a common cold virus I think. Psychologist is of with Covid and whether I like it or not I’m in bed. I’m eating and drinking and watching shows but mostly coughing. 
I get very stressed before the grandkids visit and I have issues with organising visits. I sort of have to beg and cross my fingers and hope I get some time with them. Then I’m left waiting at the gate hoping I am going to be able to pick them up. They really want to see us or it wouldn’t happen and the time always gets cut short. I have nightmares about it. 
Physically I feel like the past few years have shortened my life. I’m sick and tired all the time. 
Right now I need to rest and get over this cold and chest infection but I really need to prioritise me and my health. Swimming or gym and I can’t imagine either options right now. 

MC

[mmMekitty]

Sorry to see you haven't been feeling well, with some bug or other. How are you now?

I've been determined to return here & finaly, at 12:40 amm a week since I last spoke to you, I'm here again... This place, & my legs & my own need for rest is making this so difficult.

I hear you about how the last few years feel, struggling with so much, physically, emotionally & psychologically so draining. 

But yeah, I"m too tired right now... sorry, I need to get to sleep.

💖💖💖💖💖

mmMekitty 

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

Thinking of you, sick with a cold, Psychologist with COVID, you feeling low & tired of everything, me knowing how hard it gets too.

It's been a little while, since I posted here, so I'd like to hear how you are going?

It's slow getting around the forum, & I'm the discomfort in my legs is preventing me from sitting at my PC for as long as I'd like, in order to get around to all the people I know here, let alone meet new people or read new Discussions I want. It's become too much.

There are some here I'd like to stay in contact with. You are one, most definitely, MC. 😺

Warm, gentle hugs if you like, 💖💖💖💖 & hugs for big smelly dog, too.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

i got Covid again and this time bad. I’m on antiviral meds are they are helping. Side effects are bad with a bit off pain. I’m bed bound and sleeping on and off. Bad poison reflux and it’s painful to swallow anything. I don’t have sore throat it’s mainly bruised or inflamed feeling. 3 more days of antiviral meds then I can try and heal my stomach. Lots of night sweats. 
Not much time for anxiety which is good. I did get to see my psychologist and discuss some issues this long period of illness had brought up. Issues with not being cared for or supported. I’m on my own and the feeling of isolation and even neglect has popped up. Feeling alone. That’s what has bubbled to the surface out of everything. I don’t know if I can heal from that it’s part of my soul. My childhood experience that is still part of my life now. I wonder if that’s why I’m sick so often. Illness has been prominent but that’s probably me trying to blame me. 
Watching shows staying busy. I’m ok and glad I avoided hospital. 

MC