Lost

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

I am hoping to find some advise - I am still very new to this all. I have started seeing a psychologist and I am just so unsure about what to do. I will talk to her as well when I see her - and that is part of the problem, the long gaps inbetween.

I have various trauma and grief to go through from my early childhood until mid twenties. I have been able to live through this all and have a pretty happy life, but lately it seems crumbling and I feel disconnected from myself and from the outside.

I have made the step to see someone but I am so scared to open the gates. Will I be able to cope and what strategies can I put in place to cope? The couple of times that we touched on certain subjects left me raw, insecure and exhausted. I cannot communicate the strength of feelings, being completely overwhelmed. It is so difficult for me and I am not sure what I want to do.

 What other options are there? Can it just be the wrong psychologist? Is it normal to feel lost and distressed when starting?

Thanks.

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil,

 thank you for your reply. I hope that "the things that have not been so flash" are nice and shiny again and give you time to do what you enjoy!

Interesting way to find a psych, great that it worked for you and I know to keep me ears open in other places. I actually met with my psych again today and we have now set up a program to meet more regularly and we have also made sure that I have a larger support network (GP, psych 2). We have also agreed that it is okay for me to stay off tablets for now and I can try some natural stuff. As we progress we will discuss further.

Yes, I am actually concerned about losing weight. I have a healthy weight, and I have never lost 2-2.5kg in a month, so I discussed that today as well. I have just lost my appetite and I am not hungry as much, but then I put that down to not running much... so I don't know. I will just keep an eye on it.

I actually like my nick name yggy 🙂 I have had that name for many years, since the internet first started and for me yggy lives at yggdrasil, the tree of life. So it is a very content name.

Hope you are all good! Talk soon, yggy

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

Not many people know about Yggdrasil so I am impressed. X stitch is a form of embroidery. I generally differentiate because embroidery has few different stitches while there are a plethora of general embroidery stitches.  However a friend of mine sews X stitch and adds embroidery stitches to it which I have not seen before. So I guess nothing is set in concrete.

Not started the dress yet as I have been busy finishing the other projects. I have my table in a cosy spot with a good overhead light and a lamp. Today was a lazy day, or rather became a lazy day as I decided not to do much. Tomorrow is shaping up to be busy with appointments with hairdresser, physio, exercise physiologist and GP, followed in the evening attending my meditation group.

When I had my first huge depression I lost 22 kg in a few months.  Not hungry, couldn't be bothered to eat. The weight loss was actually good but perhaps the method was not so great. Having discovered I have lost 4kg in the past three weeks I have decided to continue lose weight. All sorts of health benefits for me.

Glad you are feeling comfortable with your psych. What do you mean by psych 2? Having a plan with your psych sounds great and fits with your personality.  ADs are such a personal choice. I firmly believe there is a place for them but not for everyone. One of the downsides is that they usually take 4-6 weeks to kick in properly, so seeing if they have a positive effect on you takes time.

It really is lovely to hear you are getting into your healing. It makes me feel there is hope for all of us whenever I hear of someone "getting there". I know you are at the start of your journey but you have such a positive attitude that I believe you will reach the end of the tunnel and burst out like a butterfly from its chrysalis.

Cheers

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi there yggy (isn’t that funny – I thought it was just you using something very obscure and if you say it kinda quickly it has a certain musical ring to it – or that’s at least what my brain reckons)

But nope, haven’t heard of the Yggdrasil – again without you telling me, if you split up to be Ygg Drasil, to me that sounds like some American rapper’s name.  🙂  See we’re all different and some of us (he looks directly into the mirror) are just downright weird!

Having said that, YES, I have heard of a chrysalis.   🙂

Um, no, not really in regard to being flash, but I think now, what the hell – why not reach out to others anyway.  If I can’t help myself, I may as well and try to help others – and if help isn’t what is happening, then at least I’m bothering you for a few minutes, which might, just might perhaps stall some of your own issues for a short while.

And see, you only have to hear my minds thoughts once in a while – I HAVE to live with ME  for 24/7 !!

With regard to the weight issue, yes, keep that monitored over the next little while to see if it continues or it starts to plateau.  Hopefully things will settle a bit for you there and that can be one less issue to have to be concerned about.   But I know what you mean, the old weight issue can be a daunting one and in so many ways.

Great to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

Ps:   the pic that you have, that’s an awful lot of paint you’ve applied to yourself.  🙂

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

sounds like you had a busy day! How were all your appointments? What do you do at physio / exercise physiologist? I have recently finished regular physio and now work with a exercise physiologist to build strength again and get more confidence in my body again. How was the hair dresser? I am overdue, I think I should colour my hair green - I would really love that 🙂 What kind of meditation do you do?

That is a lot of weight to lose in a few months! I am pretty strict with eating my meals, I feel pretty terrible if I undereat and I know what portions I need to eat to get me through the day, so I eat up. I think lately I just did not take care as much.

I am feeling a little better with the psychologist. She explained a little about what we are going to do in the next couple of months. We won't start going deep until I am home for a while - I will travel a bit in the near future. She wants me to see a psychiatrist as well (psych 2) when we start working through the trauma - she says for monitoring? I'm not sure, I don't really want to think about that part yet. I think at the moment I just want to try and accept that I am not feeling well and that I need help. I think the past is giving me a hard time, but there is so much to live for.

How are you feeling these days? I hope you are well! Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil,

there is definitely something musical about Yggy - remember Iggy Pop? Ygg Drasil is actually a pretty cool name for a rapper - perhaps I should start rapping! I have a weirdo like that at home as well, who grins at me every morning when I brush my teeth 🙂

I on the other hand had to google chrysalis - I thought it was a flower...

I hope you feel better soon! You made me smile today and I hope you smile as well and forget about your own issues when you read this in return. I think I am spending time here, as I still do not feel like telling anyone else - although I have finally told my husband last night.

I will keep an eye on the weight, I am sure it will plateau soon! I want to start running again and then hopefully I feel hungry again.

Take care & stay in touch, Yggy x

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

Thanks. Yes it has been a busy day. I thought I would write a couple of replies before I go to bed.

My physio helps me manage the various aches and pains I have by sticking needles into me. He says he does it because he enjoys it and if its not needles its his elbow.  He also advises me about exercise. The ex phys manages my exercise routine. I needed a new evaluation and review today so when I go to class on Friday morning I will need to work harder. Not that I am looking forward to it. I'm not really an exercise person but I know I need this. I work on cardio and strengthening exercises.

I'm a bit old for green hair but you should go for it. I do have a bit of colour added as I am finding some grey at the edges.

I practice Christian Meditation. It has been going for a few thousand years and is what Christ practiced. I sit, close my eyes and say a mantra in my mind for about 20 minutes. It allows me to commune in silence and help me to reach into the depth of my being and know what and who I am. You can read about it on http://wccm.org/ the World Community for Christian Meditation or the Australian Christian Meditation Community http://www.christianmeditationaustralia.org/  They are the same organisation but probably the Australian community would be best and you can find a local group to join.

Glad you are finding some common ground with your psych. It is a common practice for a psychologist to do the work and a psychiatrist to monitor the process. You'll get round to it when you are ready. I have an appointment with the DV psych tomorrow. I'm also thinking about carting my grandson off to the doctor's tomorrow as his cough is not getting better.

Where are you going to travel to? It sounds very exciting to read about. I am not good going away from home but my friends run off regularly and come back with all sorts of stories.

Facing the possibility of reopening traumatic times is very scary. I had the biggest (so far) episode of enormous grief last night. It felt like an enormous eruption of grief ripping through my body and I was powerless to stop it. Couldn't even breathe properly and my chest hurt so much. Afterwards I was exhausted. This has happened three times so far and I am getting quite scared, so as you can imagine, it will be on the agenda tomorrow.

Continue to take care of yourself.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

I hope with all my heart that you feel better today and I send you a big virtual hug! I hope you will find some relief today in therapy and find ways to cope.

I feel numb and indifferent at the moment, not sure if that is good or bad, but it is different to having a racing mind.

I am ticking off my to do list for feeling better, coloured in a little bit, now will cook healthy breakfast and lunch and go for a walk in the sunshine before work. Not feeling like any of it, but I give it a go.

Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Hi Yggy & Mary

I read and then re-read the last line for what Yggy wrote – “Not feeling like any of it, but I will give it a go”.  That is one awesome sentence and one that so many of us perhaps live by – or could try to live by – or should live by.

Firstly “knowing” what we need to do and then giving it a go.

And by doing that, if we succeed, then feel bloody good that you did it and know also that by doing it, it has hopefully been of benefit to you.

And if you have a go at is, but don’t quite succeed – don’t beat yourself up – ‘hey, you gave it a go’.  Next time, it might be that you just lower the goal a little or lower what you’re aiming to achieve, to make it a bit simpler and more achievable.

And if you don’t give it a go at all, and simply by-pass it.  Stop and think – why?   Was it too hard?  Was the goal too unachievable (see the immediate point above this for a remedy to that).  Do you want to keep feeling like this?   Have you simply accepted this as how you are and that nothing can change?

It’s great to read how the exercise regime is going along ok for you Mary and for you Yggy, I hope that your running days will be just around the corner for you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary & Neil,

yes I did give it a go yesterday and for the first time in ages, my mood actually lifted! Work is actually a great distraction for me, very demanding on me personally, I just hope that I do not crack one day. I am very worried about that. I had many many days where I made myself go to work - often I just feel overwhelmed before I even get there and then I just go with the flow.

Neil, did you give something a go yesterday? Do you have goals? I used to have big ambitious goals, now I am very kind to myself and it is a goal for me to feed myself, try create a good sleeping environment, walk in the sunshine... things where I know they can make me feel rested and calm. I wish I could set some proper goals again, but I just feel too stressed when I do that. I have written a list of things that make me feel good and I keep a diary of what I am able to do during the day. I cancel a lot lately. Do you know what makes you feel good? I'm not sure for myself, but I actually went through the beyondblue booklet "A guide to what works for depression" and googled to see what I can do to help in the process. I try to do as much as I can but don't beat myself up anymore if I cannot manage.

 Mary, I have a massage therapist who is like your physio 😉 Elbows can be soooooo painful! Enjoy your exercise class today and I hope you find it good to work a little harder. Compared to what I used to do, I rarely exercise now - but I think I should not compare anymore - pre and post injury is a bad comparison 😞

I still struggle with meditation. Sitting still is hard to start with, focussing on myself even harder and when I do relax I get overwhelming sadness. I am trying. Sometimes I think colouring in or doing a walking meditation where I can look at things, feel my body and listen is better for me, than trying to put my focus inside. Unfortunately I am of no faith and struggle to relate to christianity, I am sure prayer can be a great meditation.

Mary, how was your appointment with the DV psych? Are you finding help? I hope that your grief will subside. Are your psychs teaching you how to cope? I am hoping to find some ways to break the cycle, if episodes hit.

I am travelling to Europe which is exciting, but I struggle to really look forward to it. Getting on a plane and leaving my home seems daunting. Leaving my support network and familiar settings seems scary. I've travelled all my life, but I don't enjoy it as I used to.

Look after yourselves x

[geoff]

dear Yggy, well that's great, but has your doctor given you a low dose for your antidepressants ( AD), and if so then any side-effects if there are any will only be small, but don't expect to have any, and what is said on the net could be or can be deceiving, so please don't believe all it says, the companies have to mention this for legal reasons. L Geoff. x