i don't have a feeling of safety - complex ptsd and dissociation

[divine_inner_goddess]

**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse**

Hello out there, 

I have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my own post until now.... 

I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense of safety in my body. I can recall times when I have felt safe, for example lying under my weighted blanket, or cuddling with my partner. But, I can't FEEL the safety in my body when I think about those memories. It is as if my body simply does not retain a memory of that felt experience. However, I can feel terror, rage, helplessness, numbness, intense shame etc when I remember awful things from my past and I very much feel it in my body. I can feel good stuff in the moment as a vague sensation, but I can't retain the memory of it in my body. Does that make sense?  

I am learning more and more about dissociation at the moment, and I'm realising that I have experienced chronic dissociation (disconnection from my body sensations) to varying degrees since a child. I was never taught as a child what it meant to feel safe and held and nurtured. My childhood was chaotic, dysfunctional and very abusive, physically & emotionally. Thus, the diagnosis of complex PTSD. I am now in my late 40s and the impact of that early trauma is becoming more and more apparent.    

I realised this when I called the suicide call back service a few weeks ago and the lady kept saying to imagine a time when I felt safe, or to do something that made me feel safe and to keep doing that until I felt safe in my body. I drew a blank - she might as well have been speaking a different language!! It was a revelation to me! I thought that safety was something you created externally, such as, interacting with people you trust, places that feel comfortable in, and activities that feel nice and not too stressful. I never knew that safety was something you could feel INSIDE your body!! I am slowly learning.......

I would love to hear from others with a similar experience. But, also from those who can describe what safety feels like.   

Thank you, 

dig

[indigo22]

Hi dig and ER,

Dig, this one is for you. I read a post of yours from Sunday (2 days ago) where you said the following:

"My friend said, "what's the good that has come of it?" about my trauma. I said, nothing. It was just quite simply, awful."

My response at the time was: For dig, the penny has not dropped yet. No doubt your friend thought the same thing as I did.

Now, 2 days later, the penny is dropping and you are beginning to realise what the experience was for. I am so proud of you for starting to integrate that teaching.

I have been on this journey longer than either of you and I have known for a number of years that although my experiences have been awful, they also had a purpose, and for me that purpose is the ability to understand and empathise with the feelings of others that are now going through the challenges that I have been through. I am still healing my own wounds but I can also have compassion and advice for those have not yet started or are just beginning their journey. 

ER, I think you have also come to this place of understanding and I so admire your strength and determination to move beyond your wounds, I believe with all my heart that you will find your authentic self in the not too distant future. I believe that of myself also, despite the fact that I still feel disconnected at the moment.

Dig, I believe this of you too, you are just not as far along your journey, so it is likely to take longer, but you are on the right track now so keep up the good work you are doing.

Our conversations allow me to access a deeper part of myself because there is a mutual understanding of experiences which I am unable to find in other relationships. As I have said before, most people just don't get it.

I know beyond a shadow of doubt that the 3 of us were brought together for the purpose of healing and growth, there are no coincidences when it comes to these things, it is actually synchronicity arranged by a higher intelligence for our highest good. This feels like a sisterhood to me, but unlike any sister relationship I have ever known.

I watched a lot of the speakers last year in the summit and skipped quite a few this time because I feel no resonance with them. I am glad that you both got something out of the summit, I will let you know of anything else that comes up that may be of interest to you.

For me, The Wisdom of Trauma has a very deep impact on my psyche. It was my second viewing and the impact was just as deep as the first time. The understanding that people do the things they do because they are disconnected from their authentic self. We are meant to connect with the pain in those faces, it is a mirror of our own pain and suffering and is designed to awaken our compassion and understanding that we are not separate in reality, we are just disconnected.

There are powers on the planet that have been operating for millennia to keep us ignorant of who we truly are. They have control of our education, religion, media, economics, and countless other areas of our lives. The reason we are here at this time on the planet is to change the balance of power by healing ourselves and coming to the realisation of who we truly are. In doing so, we also heal past karma because the cycle is broken. We then become aware of the manipulation that has run rampant for so long, reject it, and over time come back to our true purpose for coming to the planet. Having a temporary physical experience for the knowledge and growth it can provide for the soul, that is who we really are, not the broken and manipulated beings we have been made to believe we are. I hope that was not too over the top for you both, but it is the truth as I understand it. If it does not feel like the truth to you, that's ok too.

Hope you are both having a good day,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dig and indigo,

Dig, I didn’t get to see the Mark Coleman one yet. I’ve been trying to balance watching the summit with several other things in the last few days, but will try to catch up with that one if I can. I too really enjoyed the exchange between Mavis and Cassandra - such openness and vulnerability and so beautiful the way they were holding space for one another. I found myself asking myself the questions that Mavis put up. I didn’t see Rick Hanson but I have listened to the podcast he does with his son Forrest a number of times. They do quite a good one with Pete Walker on complex trauma.

 I too am quite wiped out from taking in so much information! I relate to what you say about being drawn to the helping professions. I’ve always been so focussed on helping people while failing to actually fully see my own wounds and tend to them. I love what you say about the privilege of healing the ancestral line. I feel the same way, that the bucks stops with me and I’m not going to repeat the trauma cycles of the past.

Indigo, thank you for the lovely comment about the feeling of a sisterhood and I feel like that too. I think when you have experienced trauma, especially if you have been scapegoated within a family system, there is a need for trusting relationships with others as an antidote to the isolation that often arises out of abusive circumstances. I feel like synchronicities do occur, especially when we are tuned into ourselves. Today I had house chores to do, but my body and spirit were strongly drawn to walk to a particular location by the river. I let my legs take me there (it sometimes really feels like this, that my legs know where to go). Down there I met a new friend. We got talking and found we had been through similar experiences of narcissistic abuse. We talked for over two hours and were able to give each other great moral support. So it felt like we were meant to meet.

One of the most moving parts of The Wisdom of Trauma for me was when the lovely guy with prostrate cancer is lying under the blanket and talking with Gabor. Then Gabor is giving him the deepest hug that felt like the unconditional love that man had never received from his abusive father. It made me cry. I thought of you indigo and your recovery from cancer and how that would have been moving for you too. Basically love is the answer to everything. We all need to be able to be vulnerable, kind and truly present with our fellow humans (and other species).

 I feel the trauma healing journey is a multifaceted process, often passing through some stages a few times and circling back and forth between different parts of ourselves, our history and memories. It feels not so much linear but like a deepening of the experience of going into our own soul. It’s like we discover new depths all the time and start to understand how all the parts of us and everything we’ve ever been connected to fit together.

 I do feel that I’m starting to connect with my authentic self and this naturally happens the more I let go of old patterns and relationships that were unhealthy for me. I do feel a future unfolding that is a life I want to live.

Thank you both for your deep kindness and support. It is so encouraging and helpful to share with people on a similar journey.

With much gratitude 🙏 

ER

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo (and Eagle Ray), 

Thanks for pointing out the shift from my comments on Sunday. I just wanted to clarify the comment from my friend, "what's the good that has come of it?" It's very inappropriate to say to a child who is being abused, "what is good about that?" Just as it is inappropriate to ask an adult survivor of child abuse, "what was the good that came out of that?" I strongly adhere to the view that child abuse is never okay and there is nothing good about it. I can see how you thought that for me 'the penny hadn't dropped'. But, actually, I was self-advocating to my friend and voicing that there are no positives to child abuse and that there doesn't have to be 'something good' that comes of it. I hope that makes more sense. 

The post I wrote about it being a privilege to heal the intergenerational trauma of my ancestral line, was on a different topic, in response to The Wisdom of Trauma film. The film helped me to make sense of trauma being passed down the line through families. And like you, Eagle Ray, the bucks stops with me and I’m not going to repeat the trauma cycles of the past. So, I get it that the abuse I suffered as a child was not personal, but simply trauma passed down the line. Thanks too Indigo, for your insights on the film. I loved your comment about people do the things they do because they are disconnected from their authentic self. It makes so much sense. And that we are not separate, but just disconnected.  

I also appreciate the 'sisterhood' of this group. I am learning so much from these discussions. Thank you both very much for your input.  However, it doesn't feel safe for me to be compared to others. Since this discussion thread is about safety, I thought I would mention it. I feel that my journey is not linear and so it doesn't seem right to compare how far along I am in relation to someone else. For me, it's been decades of exploring the same topics but from different angles, and going deeper each time. Like peeling the skin off an onion. And although we are all on a healing journey, for me, the only person I want to compare myself to, is myself. If I look back I can see how far I have come, and that is all that matters. I think we each have a unique healing journey and it's awesome that we can share and connect with each other, as we tread our own path. 

Hope you are both enjoying this week so far, 

dig

[indigo22]

Hi dig,

My sincere apologies if you felt I was comparing you, that was not my intention. I also apologise if you thought I meant that there was something good about child abuse, that also was not my intention. The point I was trying to make was that without having been through the abuse, you would not now be seeing a new way of looking at it and feeling the need to heal the ancestral line. That is the good that has come from your past. I totally agree that child abuse of any kind is not okay and never will be. I am also working to heal an ancestral line, we are all doing our best with the cards we were dealt. Please don't let a misunderstanding of my meaning be a reason to feel unsafe, you are always safe in this space. I think you have focused on what you thought was negative and missed the encouraging and supporting words in my message. I mean you absolutely no harm.

Sending you a big hug,

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I am so glad you met someone who you were able to connect with, I hope the friendship will be another source of support for you. And yes, I absolutely believe that was synchronicity.

I agree, that was a special moment in the film, thank you for thinking of me at that time, it means a lot to me.

I have been thinking a bit about possibly trying a ketamine session at some point, I like what Michael Sapiro has to say about it and the positive effects he has seen come from it.

I agree with "the buck stops with me" which is a large part of what I was talking about with the reason we are here now on the planet. I also agree with "love is the answer to everything", when the rest of the planet realise the same, there will be an end to all the suffering.

I am also grateful for the support we have found in each other, it is a rare and special occurrence.

Take care,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi dig and indigo,

We are all on our unique journey and there is no comparison we can make between ourselves and others. No one is more or less advanced in their journey. I've sometimes made comparisons by minimising things I've experienced, such as saying to my therapist that an assault I went to through is not as bad as what others have been through. She said there is no comparison. What happened to me is unique to me and the whole history of who I am and how I even ended up in that situation. I've also seen how non-linear my own path is. Between the ages of 27-35 I got reasonably good at mindfulness mediation. Then I lost the ability all together following a particular trauma. While I can do it a little now I've never regained the capacity I once had. But in other areas I have developed skills I didn't have before. So I find it is so complex and we can wind all over the place, and all of it deepens our learning and wisdom in some way. I've found that to be true even when it seems like I've gone backwards in some respects.

I watched Dan Siegel's session this morning. I liked what he said about expanding the container of what holds our emotions and sense of self. We can feel alone and isolated and so we have a limited sense of space around ourselves. But it is also possible to expand our sense of self through a combination of interconnection and intra-connection. The intra-connection is how our sense of self feels within us, and it can increase as that self mingles with the wider world of other beings including nature. This made sense to me in terms of what I actually feel in nature, that my being is no longer just me in isolation suffering and struggling away on my own to cope. Instead I am part of a wider expansive universe and so I am not self-limited and alone. It's like the intra-connection is like a a microcosm of the interconnection of everything in the universe - if that makes sense?! I don't know if I have explained that very well, but his way of conceptualising it helped me grasp how being in nature helps me so much. He also mentioned a book that sounds really lovely called Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer, so I have added that to my already long reading list.

Indigo, I found Michael Sapiro's work really interesting too. I seem to have really strong experiences with consciousness even without psychedelics, so goodness knows what would happen if I did go down that path. I would definitely want the therapeutic support they recommend. But I expect it would fast track everything as people describe it - the 10 years of therapy in one night kind of thing. That is reported by people over and over. There are a couple of particular reputable centres in Peru I would love to go to, especially because of the immersive experience over the course of a week or more and the deep, loving, kind support they provide participants. But alas that it is beyond my means.

Thank you so kindly to you both for the conversations here. I really appreciate being able to talk about these things. It has been great to be able to share thoughts and feelings about the summit. Usually I watch these sorts of things on my own and don't get to discuss them with others. It is just so nice to be able to share with you both.

I hope you are both having a good week too. Take care and warm hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER & dig,

I have just been reading a sample of yet another book called It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn. He talks about inter generational trauma from both the biological and experiential sides. I think my reading list just grew again, thought it might be of interest to you.

Take care both,

indigo

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo, 

Thank you for your message and explaining where you were coming from in relation to healing the ancestral line. That makes sense to me. And thank you for the cyber hug. I really appreciate it. I think it's hard sometimes communicating by written messages when there is no eye contact and body language to see from the other person. I guess that's one of the downsides of online chats. 

It was this comment that made me think you were comparing the three of us: Dig, I believe this of you too, you are just not as far along your journey, so it is likely to take longer, but you are on the right track now so keep up the good work you are doing. I'm not sure which journey you were referring to and what led you to think it is likely to take longer for me. 

Thanks again,

dig

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo and Eagle Ray, 

Indigo, I would like to read that book It Didn't Start With You, too. My reading list just grew longer too, haha. It sounds like it is really relevant to what we have been discussing about intergenerational trauma and I think it will complement the Wisdom of Trauma film. Thanks for putting it on my radar again. I will see if the library has it.

Eagle Ray, I am grateful too that we can share our thoughts and feelings about the summit. I usually watch these sorts of things by myself too. I really appreciate the conversations we are having. Thank you both.

I will read the other comments later, I am off to yoga now. 

I hope you both have a lovely day,

dig 

[Eagle Ray]

Hello indigo and dig,

When I was working with my psychologist on an intergenerational trauma that came down from my grandfather she told me about Mark Wolynn’s book. I haven’t got to the book yet but I’ve listened to several podcasts with him and what he has to say is so interesting. Part of what he talks about is the epigenetic transmission of memory and that is something I was grappling with in relation to my grandfather’s war experience. It was a sensory/feeling memory that had been in my system since a small child, even though I never met my grandfather who died before I was born and I didn’t learn of his war experience until an adult. The capacity for memories and the feeling/sensory aspects of them to be epigenetically transmitted has been clinically demonstrated for some time now. What is so encouraging is these things can be healed. Epigenetics are malleable. In a course I did earlier this year there was a Dine/Navajo woman who was a guest speaker and she was saying when you heal your trauma you are healing 7 generations before you and 7 after. In Indigenous cosmologies they get the nonlinearity of time that is accessible in certain states of consciousness and it is in that realm in which you can heal the past and future. It is so fascinating and empowering too. In my session with my psychologist we went into the specific trauma my grandfather went through and it was amazing what came out of it. I had really interesting stuff that came up in waking dreamlike states around it before, during and after the session. Remnants of the memory imprint which is sensory and physical still exist in my system, but they are much diminished and not troubling and overpowering anymore. It was linked up with a lot of my feelings of non-safety and so that has improved for me too.

 I hope you both have a lovely day.