Guilt over miscarriage

[Guest_922]

I had a late term miscarriage. 19 weeks and 5 days. Nothing was wrong with my baby. He was alive while I was in labour. I feel like my actions leading up to pre term labour were to blame. I was working and had a very big week. I became very ill and pushed through work. I am still ill 11 days later and they don't know what it is. whilst I had seen a doctor 4 days prior to giving birth, I didn't go back for several days, even though I knew I had become worse. I couldn't walk and was only able to crawl to shower and bathroom then back to bed. I should have called an ambulance, I should have gathered the strength to go to the hospital. I didn't and I knew I was really sick, even though my husband didn't think I was that bad. If I had maybe they would have been able to treat my illness before labour happened and my little boy wouldn't have died. I hate myself, I blame myself for his death. I have two other kids and that keeps me going but I hate myself. I feel like I died the day I gave birth to my boy and they just forgot to bury me with him. I am seeing a psychologist but they couldn't fit me in for 3 weeks. I just needed to get this off my chest without looking at my family and friends and trying to find the right answers, what they want to hear.

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie and Elaria

Hope you are OK with me answering you both together.

Annie. So sorry to discover you have also lost a baby. I mentioned to Elaria that my eldest daughter had miscarried at 19 weeks. The effect on all the family was devastating. I am sad you did not have the support my daughter received. I cannot imagine the pain you both endured and I wish I could make it all go away.

Well I cannot do that but I can support and help you to the best of my ability. Grief is a private thing in many ways but does not mean you should be on your own. Elaria, I asked earlier, how does your husband feel about the miscarriage? Is he supporting you and caring? I do hope so. Whatever the differences of opinion about another baby the reality is that you have lost a child and that is always a time of grief.

Annie, did you contact SANDS? What helped you in that dark time? I understand not many people knew you were pregnant so you did not need to tell many. I find it incredible Elaria that someone(s) would speak to you in the dreadful way. I can understand that many people do not know what to say and that may apply to those who do not speak of it, but it's certainly not an excuse for others making such offensive comments.

It is a dreadful pain to bear and it's horrible that there is not more support for women in that situation. And it's not something you get over quickly. Sorry ladies, don't mean to be negative, major losses in our lives mean a longer recovery time. Elaria, can you see a different psychologist who can offer more frequent consultations? I know that on a mental health plan you are limited to ten visits per calendar year with the Medicare subsidy. If you have private health cover depending on the level of cover you have, you may be able to claim some of the costs from there.

Ladies please consider this a good place to vent and use it as much as you wish.

Mary

[Guest_922]

Hi Mary

my husband is supportive but we rarely speak about Samuel. He did however, collect his ashes for me, buy a nice chest for us to sit them on and a beautiful stone that is a Protective stone and Assists with change and spiritual evolution.
It’s supposed to bring good fortune, prosperity & abundance. Enhances emotional stability and balance in general. It sits behind his urn. I also know that if I want to discuss Samuel with him I can but it does hurt sometimes that I can’t share my photos of Samuel with him.

i could see a different psychologist but need to find time to find one and I don’t get much from the one I see once a month so think it’s a bit of waste of time. I have found more support in bears of hope group.

[White_Rose]

Hello Elaria

It's lovely that you named your baby. My daughter called her little son Arthur. She also has photos of him. I was a little reluctant to ask in case you had none. It's also good you have something lovely for him and the protective stone. That is nice and I hope will ease your hurt a little.

I agree that seeing a psychologist once a month when you are hurting so much, is not particularly helpful. I also think this psych could and should have found more appointments for you. You can return to your GP and ask her to find someone else. These people can be extremely helpful when you both 'click'.

I am glad you have found some support. What is the bears of hope group? I have not heard of them before. It's good when can get the names of various help groups and can pass them on to others.

Being able to talk with your husband about Samuel is good even if it is not often. I can appreciate it hurts to do this and I wonder if it because Samuel passed away or because you are still a little angry with him. Please excuse me if I am treading on toes. I'm certain it hurts to talk to anyone but talking does bring some relief and helps the pain to be less sharp and persistent.

Perhaps your husband also needs to talk about this. No matter how he thought beforehand he is still a father who has lost a child. It may help him to talk and show you his pain and grief. If it brings you closer together all the better.

Hope and peace to both of you.

Mary

[annie45]

Hi Elaria

You're lucky to have Mary writing to you - she has a lot of wisdom. She's right - not all psychologists are the same. If you feel as though you are not getting what you need from this one, feel free to shop around. I struggle to open up to people face to face and am onto my third (counsellor this time not psych). She has been great simply getting me to open up and talk.

Following my loss I spoke to no one and it became a festering sore inside me. I worked more and closed off. I pushed my pain deep down. Unfortunately I was well practiced at this approach to pain and thought nothing of it. I simply concentrated on becoming pregnant again, which luckily enough I soon did. But now 7 years later I still feel the grief and know that i have not dealt with it properly. Im afraid I'm not a very good example of how to deal with this. My husband and I never talk about our loss which is sad and isolating. If I had my time again I would definitely seek help and probably drag him along too.

I too feel like three people sometimes. Busy mums need to be. But unfortunately if we neglect ourselves and our needs then we become less efficient at the other two roles. It's important that you take some time out for you. To do some of the self care activities that nature you.

Please keep writing if it helps you. We are here to listen

Annie

[White_Rose]

Hello Elaria

How are you going? Haven't heard from you for a couple of days so wondered if all is well.

How is the job hunting going? If you are looking for something less stressful than your current position but have the abilities to manage at a higher level I would think you should find a new job soon. How is it going at work these days? Are you beginning to feel more comfortable? Gosh what a lot of questions I'm asking.

I don't want to sound nagging but could you ask your GP to find another psychologist? You sound very tired and that is normal with all the stress you are managing. I am concerned that you appear to be struggling alone and that is hard. I know we are not a physical presence in your life but we are here to listen and metaphorically to hold your hand. I hope you can come back and talk again.

Mary

[Guest_922]

Hi Mary

i know it’s been a long time in replying to you. I am still looking for a job but am very selective in what I want so am not rushing it. I have had a nice relaxing holiday. Decided to focus on me and my health. Have lost some weight, read some books, caught up with friends. I have had less panic attack and now only rarely needing medication. However, I am worried about returning to work. My only friend will be absent for the first 5 weeks and that will be hard. Work is such a trigger for me and whilst I feel I am moving past the suffocating feeling of guilt I would be due on the 1st of feb. probably would have had my baby by now if my other two children are to go by. I birthed them at 37 &38 weeks. So my first week back is when I should be holding my precious full term boy. I will brave face it but it’s hard going back after 5 weeks off.

I have found through this journey that some family members just suck. I’ve always been the one to keep contact, put family first, bring people together but horrible things have been said behind my back and to my face. Usually I would let it slide but not when it’s about my son. I have been made to feel like my boy meant nothing, like it never happened. I just can’t look at them the same now so I choose to have little contact. My husband is not aware of what has been said and I think it would cause a huge rift if he did know and I have no energy for that. so it’s just easier sitting back not participating. he is not a social person so wont push for family catch ups etc. he usually relies on me to do it. I just don’t understand how people can be so cold.

[White_Rose]

Hello Elaria

Lovely to hear from you. It seems that you found a good way to relax. You need to look after yourself and be gentle as well.

I am so sorry your family has not supported you. Your baby was as real as your other children but did not stay long enough to take his own place in your family. That will always be a sadness but will accept it more as you move on.

I imagine going back to work will be difficult. Please remind yourself that you are a valuable employee with a great deal to offer. The due date of your baby must be a hard time. I hope at least one of your colleagues will have the grace to be kind and supportive to you. It costs so little to be pleasant but the benefits are enormous.

The sad part about people having little patience or time for a mom who has lost her baby is that they probably know how hurt you have been but are unable to say so, then take refuge in pretending your baby never existed.

I'm glad you are looking for another job where you can start afresh. I think that just before Christmas would be a hard time to search for a new job. Once everyone has returned to work I think you find a better range of available jobs. Keep looking, your ideal job is out there.

Mary

[Guest_922]

Hi Mary this isn’t a direct reply to you but I find writing therapeutic and it’s a tough night tonight so I thought I would write here.

It’s 10:55pm and the house is silent and still. It’s the 31st of January. I have to work tomorrow but I can’t sleep. There’s something missing, a hollow pit in my stomach. My son has been away with his nana and pa and I miss him. He will return tomorrow and that fills me with joy but there still this emptiness that consumes me. Somethings not right!

My daughter is asleep in her bed. It’s interesting how different she can be when her brother is away. The house is more quiet and the tv switches to princesses and LEGO friends. Even when it’s quieter I still fail at parenting. I have little patience these days and I wish I could gain some back. Somethings not right!

Tonight there is a lunar eclipse and I wonder if I should stay awake to watch it? I’ll be tired tomorrow but I feel compelled by this. It’s not often that something like this happens but I feel anxious and have taken some medication to help me sleep so may not see it through. Somethings not right!

I’ve spent hours online, reading articles, looking for motivation, trying to connect this uneasiness with the ramblings of others on social media and searching for journals - the perfect journal to remember and cherish you. Somethings not right!

The world is coloured with many beautiful shades but mines has more grey and black these days. I wonder if that will ever change? Somethings not right!

Tomorrow is your due date. You could have been born on a lunar eclipse. From what I’ve read bereaved parents learn to live with the shades but they don’t disappear. You are that something, that something that should have been right. That star just out of reach. I don’t want you to disappear or to fade. I just want to find peace with you cradled in my arms. I just want that something to be made right.

[White_Rose]

Hello Elaria

I too am finding it difficult to sleep tonight and jumped on the forum to see how everyone is going. I can imagine your thoughts as tomorrow arrives and there is no darling son in your arms. It is unfortunate that you will be returning to work on this day.

Please don't be hard on yourself. Your children are loved and cared for and you are their much loved mom. I know I have been less than patient with my children at times. It happens and does not make you a bad parent. It makes us fallible and human.

I wish I had the words to bring you comfort and peace. Your two other children will be with you and you can hold them close. I know it's not the same as holding this last little one and my heart aches for you.

Did you see the blue moon? Sadly Brisbane was overcast so nothing exciting happening.

Be gentle with yourself.

Mary

[Quercus]

Oh Elaria,

I don't have words to ease the hurt in your post but my goodness I wish I had something. Anything.

I'm wondering... Have you done to celebrate Samuel? My friend and her husband and kids release balloons together. Personally I like the idea of planting trees. Although he is missing from your life he is still part of you. I believe many who have carried a baby is familiar with that powerful connection to the new life within you. You don't ever forget this or want them. But you can choose to celebrate them.

Maybe its a stupid idea. But I keep thinking of love. Today when I drove home from my son's first day of kindy and saw in the mirror his beloved toy clipped into his seat my heart ached. I felt sad but then I thought why am I grieving? Whether he is a few moments old or 60 years old he will always be my baby. Nothing can take that love away.

So I chose to celebrate instead. In my mind I thought about how proud I am of this gorgeous little human.

Samuel may not have had a chance to grow. But that doesn't mean you can't celebrate your love for him. Is there anything you would try?

Take extra good care of yourself please. And the helplines and SANDS are always there please don't hesitate to reach out as often as you need.

❤Nat