Guilt over miscarriage

Guest_922 · ‎23-09-2017

I had a late term miscarriage. 19 weeks and 5 days. Nothing was wrong with my baby. He was alive while I was in labour. I feel like my actions leading up to pre term labour were to blame. I was working and had a very big week. I became very ill and pushed through work. I am still ill 11 days later and they don't know what it is. whilst I had seen a doctor 4 days prior to giving birth, I didn't go back for several days, even though I knew I had become worse. I couldn't walk and was only able to crawl to shower and bathroom then back to bed. I should have called an ambulance, I should have gathered the strength to go to the hospital. I didn't and I knew I was really sick, even though my husband didn't think I was that bad. If I had maybe they would have been able to treat my illness before labour happened and my little boy wouldn't have died. I hate myself, I blame myself for his death. I have two other kids and that keeps me going but I hate myself. I feel like I died the day I gave birth to my boy and they just forgot to bury me with him. I am seeing a psychologist but they couldn't fit me in for 3 weeks. I just needed to get this off my chest without looking at my family and friends and trying to find the right answers, what they want to hear.

SubduedBlues · ‎23-09-2017

Elaria, welcome to BB and it's good you have found the courage to post.

I feel for you. My ex had a mid-term miscarriage, and (at first) she too thought it was her fault. But it wasn't. The universe/life/god has a way of testing us; and sometimes it is an awful experience by which we are tested. I suspect that your husband will now be more attuned to health risks in the future; which may very well save the lives of those that you do have.

Not every child is destined to be born, no matter how much we want it to be so. Sometimes there are those, like ours, that only grow so much before they stop. There are billions of factors involved, from all across the world; the butterfly effect if you will. What is what my ex had eaten that day, or the passive smoking from the guy on the street? It could have been anything that caused the birth to not eventuate.

You are not the only person who thought the pain was nothing to worry about, your husband didn't either; no did your doctor 4 days earlier. I am truly sorry you have this pain. I suspect if you find a way to help your husband with his pain, he'll find a way to help you ease yours. That's what worked for us.

SB

Guest_1055 · ‎23-09-2017

Dear Elaria,

I am so sorry for your loss of your tiny baby boy. My heart goes out to you.

Shell xx

Shell

Ellie05 · ‎24-09-2017

Hi Elaria,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You are clearly a very loving mother, hence your guilt for not having been able to save your unborn baby but unfortunately not everything is within our control. This is not something you could have predicted, especially given the doctor hadn't raised any alarms.

At the end of the day the thing your family and friends will be most concerned about right now is your wellbeing so don't be afraid to speak to them about this or reach out for support.

Quercus · ‎30-09-2017

Hi Elaria,

It's been a little while since you posted. Just checking to see how you are holding up. I hope you feel able to keep talking.

I am sorry for the loss of your baby.

When my friend lost her baby she said all she could think was what if. What if I had done this. What if. We told her over and over it was not her fault. But she said to me that those words felt empty.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling this way. My friend was grieving like you and needed counselling and a lot of support and TLC.

Have you been in contact with SANDS at all? They will have information on support groups in your area. Please try to let your family and friends support you. They love you.

Even if the words feel empty right now... It is not your fault.

Gentle thoughts to you Elaria and your husband. Please take care and write if it helps you.

Nat

Guest_922 · ‎02-10-2017

Hi Nat

thanks for your words. Your friend is right. Close friends and family say the same but it does feel empty to me. I just can’t believe them and feel overcrowded by people even when they are not there. The cogs still turn and I feel like I’m standing still, vacant, watching it all spin by me. People talk to me, I hear them but I don’t take any in. I frequently am left standing awkwardly when they are waiting for my reply to them and I just drifted off mid conversation. I have to return to work next week and I just want to resign. I am in a leadership position and just don’t think I can do my job they way I am now.

I messsaged Sands on FB a while back but never followed it up. Perhaps I should give them a call.

Quercus · ‎03-10-2017

Hi Elaria,

I'm really glad you wrote back. This topic is very close to my heart.

Please reach out to SANDS Elaria.

They will be able to give you information on support groups in your area and have phone counselling for both Mums and Dads (my friend's hubby was really struggling about 6 months later he found the phone lines helpful).

The problem with late term miscarriage is most people don't understand. And noone talks about it. My friend spoke to me because she knew I'd had a traumatic birth experience where for a time I believed my baby was going to die. This was the only reason she asked me if she could talk to me about the birth. I didn't know to ask. I didn't even consider they would make her give birth. Because of this I think it is so important that you talk to someone who understands completely (because they lived it).

I understand the worry about work. I was stunned that she had to go back to work so soon. Not having the baby medically termed a stillbirth meant no access to maternity leave. And the lack of understanding often means people act like nothing has happened.

You need to put your health first. If you want to take leave or ask to change to a support role rather than management it is absolutely appropriate. Or like my friend you may find the distraction of work a help. Whatever feels right for you is the right thing.

Have you seen your GP? I do feel this is so important. Even to print and hand over your post and tell them you don't feel ok right now.

If you feel like it helps you please write back. I would like to hear how you are going.

Nat

Guest_922 · ‎05-10-2017

Hi Nat

thank you so much for understanding the difficulties of late term miscarriage and how those of us who go through it feel displaced, like we don’t belong anywhere. I have begun writing articles about my experience from different lenses. Maybe one day I will publish them or just put them in a blog somewhere. I have found not many people who suffer from late term miscarriage and there are not many stories online about it and how it is often disregarded. It’s a shame because all I want to read at the moment is that I’m not alone and that there are others who have struggled like me. Still haven’t found the courage to call sands. I keep swallowing my grief. Dont think I could talk about it freely yet in person even though I want to. Psychologist is great but she expects me to break down so I’m comfortable in that space.

Thanks for responding to me.

Quercus · ‎06-10-2017

Hi Elaria,

Thank you for writing back. I'm really glad to hear you're writing it all down. I find organising my thoughts and recording them really helpful too.

Have you considered joining Blue Voices in the future? There is an option to share your story if you decide this will help you. It will definately help others.

You aren't alone Elaria. There may be people here reading but unable to reply. You reaching out and having a conversation at all is a blessing.

Have you looked if SANDS have a forum? Talking can be difficult. Forming the words without crying. Or if you can get a family member to call and find out if there are any support groups you can attend. You don't have to talk. You can just listen and know you are with people who understand.

I'm really thankful you are here writing. And that you have a psychologist who understands.

Take care of yourself please. How are you going with the work situation?

Nat

White_Rose · ‎06-10-2017

Dear Elaria

I am so very sorry you have been through this. My daughter lost her first baby, a boy, at 19 weeks and like you she did not get a birth or death certificate. This is hard because it seems the child never existed although he was certainly real to you and my daughter.

What was a little difficult for my daughter was that my daughter in law was also pregnant and her baby was due just before my daughter's baby was due. It is so very hard to understand why it happened. I hate it when someone says the child passed away for a reason. It trivialises the parents' grief at a time when they are most vulnerable.

I made a birth sampler for my grandson, just as I made one for all my grandchildren. Do you have something special for him? Did you have baby scans done? One day you can make them into a booklet. It's good to be able to hold something that is only about him.

Do not be afraid to mourn and cry. This is how we express our grief. I will never forget my son-in-law crying in the arms of my husband. This was their first baby via IVF and almost their last but they decided to try once more and now have a daughter. It doesn't make up for the loss but it does ease the pain a little.

You will ache to hold your baby and I wish I could say it will not last long, but that's not true. If you feel unable to return to work now can you take sick leave? Returning to work or staying home a bit longer is up to you and how you feel. Sometimes it helps to go to work and I am certain your colleagues will be supporting you. There is no time limit on grief.

Mary