Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Curious77]

Helo Sarah,
Your posts are always so supportive and helpful, thanks.
I think the police have reffered me to counselling services that may be grief counselling.
Ever since I can remember, I have always felt fear of my father because he always came across as angry and unapproachable. When I was a baby I did not talk much at all until about the age of four as there were constant fights between my parents where he would attack her and I sensed that it might lead to me being attacked as well. My mum also was never herself because of the stress so you never felt like it was a good time for a meaningful chat to address how stressed we were and what was happening in life in general. I think this is why I was developmentally behind other kids and I was timid. I think I I have always seen myself unwhorthwhile and not deserving of respect and kindness as I did not feel it at home. He would yell at us if we said anything while he was watching TV and we said something about it. I think the stress also caused me to stress easily and not be able to deal with problems well so I panic a lot. I think that is why writing is great for me because it means that you can write what I want about my father without repercussions or name calling and I can do so calmly and think it through. Writing is now when I feel alive rather than dead like the rest of the time.
Thanks for listening
A.

[CalmCat]

Hi Curious77,

Thanks so much for a heartfelt post, you're truly brave.

Remember that the beyond blue line is there on 1300 224 636 if you need it. I find it mentally healing when I have someone listen to me.

Stay strong.

Regards,

Doz

[Aaronsis]

Hey A

I could not agree with you more, I find writing to be one of the greatest healers, not only can you get your thoughts and feelings out but also without an argument or anyone else's input. You might even have a few different books or journals as I do, one that you would not show anyone, that you can blame and be as raw and honest as you want, get out all those negative thoughts and all the pain and suffering. You may start another book of all the good things that you want to welcome in your life and focus on the way in which you want to rebuild you A. You have even start a separate piece of writing that may have questions and feelings that you would want to discuss with your therapist, if you chose to do that. That would be a really great way to ensure all your feelings and emotions get talked through and gives you the best possible chance for dealing with all the pain and the frustrations you have from being in your family. You really had to walk on eggshells as a child and were not free to grow and to develop emotion and get positive feedback and I am really sorry this did not happen for you. However A, it is never ever too late and with some really great people on your team you can start to grow and develop and understand all the things that were and are lacking in your life and claim them back for you, that is really exciting too.

I understand that you are going through so many emotions now and I am here to chat and we are here as a community to support you through this. There are some really good days ahead for you A.

I am so pleased you have reached out here to chat and to get rid of some of the pain, and the guilt and the confusion, that actually does not belong to you or with you, time to get rid of it!

Huge hugs as always

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

This is such great space for me to talk about my thoughts because I do not have any people to discuss these things with because other people seem to be uncomfortable with hearing about my fears and thoughts. It may be that this stuff is too personal but I do feel well supported by you and other contributors. Thank you so much.
For me the worst place to be at the moment is home as I just feel so uncomfortable and the gravity of the situation hits me hard. I now realise that no body wants to involve themselves in my fathers autopsy and burial and I don't think I am going to cope I really needed somebodies help and it overwhelms me all that I might have to do and all the panicking I am going to do. When a person passes there is stuff to tie up and paperwork and I feel sick just thinking about it. That is why I have been going for walks to make myself feel better.
Your suggestion about writing down issues to discuss with a therapist is an excellent one so that you get the most out of the sessions. I will start another journal for that.
Thanks for listening Sarah

[Curious77]

Thanks so much for your kind words Doz, although I don't feel brave, I feel weak!

[Aaronsis]

Hi A
So sorry for the tardy reply, I hope you are doing well and I am really looking forward to hearing how you are going, if you have been doing some writing and if you have found it to be working for you in a positive way? Also if you have managed to get some points down for an appointment with a GP or if you have had any more thoughts about making an appointment to get some of this stuff out and get some support for you?

How are things at home? I am sure it is a very emotional time for you and I hope that you are managing ok, it sure is a lot to think about and feel. Do you have someone who is helping you with the details and the arrangements with things after the passing of your father?

I am so happy that you feel comfortable here to share how you are feeling, your thoughts and your fears, it is sometimes hard to talk to people face to face and also to people in our lives who sometimes don't know how to respond or what to say, which does make is awkward and uncomfortable. We are here for you to share how you are feeling and what you are thinking and it is a totally safe place as you know. I hope you are feeling some brighter days are coming A, it has been a tough time for you.

Once again so sorry for my tardy reply to you A, but I look forward to chatting some more to you and to hearing how you are.

Hugs as always

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

So nice to hear from you Sarah.
On Saturday I phoned up a help line because I was crying, I just feel like after all the struggling with my father and all the energy it took from me I just don't feel like I can find the energy to carry out day to day tasks let alone start a new chapter. They suggested I get a mental health care plan from the GP. I went to the GP later that day and she says that based on my life history I am suffering majorly from rejection and no sense of belonging and the people that I have trusted have abused me at work and school and my father and mums dad and it has destroyed my confidence and energy. She has forwarded it to the government department called care and mind.
One of my relatives contacted me out of the blue and it seems that he has lost them because he was just too draining to deal with because of his anger and emotions and his constant attacks about the past which he did to my mum. He also seems to have a long history of disfunction in our he interacts with people so no wonder they hardly ever visited. It was actually the first proper conversation I have ever had with her.
Thanks so much for your support Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hey A

I am so very sorry to read that Saturday was really tough for you, maybe all the things you have been going through and all the issues with your dad are starting to come out and while it hurts and causes you pain, it may also be a really good thing too. I am so proud of you for calling the help line, to know that you needed some support and to reach out and grab it. There is so much on your plate and I really feel that it is only natural for you to have days when it is all a bit much, I have been having them too lately and that is fine, life is tricky and it is tough some days, but I think it is knowing what support we have and to reach out and grab it.

That is so fantastic that you went to the GP, she sounds like she gave you some really great support and was able to validate some of the feelings that perhaps you have but didn't know what they were or how to manage them, I am so really proud of you A, this is a great step forward and also a huge thing for you to go and have a chat with a person face to face about your feelings, I know you have struggled with this so well done to you.

That is really great that you are getting to know other people in your family and that they too can help you to paint a picture of what was and how things were. I think this too may help you in discovering that it was not just only you that suffered at the emotional and perhaps mental issues that your father had, this is sometimes comforting to know, while very sad and painful, does help to paint the picture and help you understand that you are not at fault here and that maintaining healthy relationships was something that your father struggled with.

The journey ahead will be a very interesting one for you A and I am happy to hear that other family are reaching out to you too, that is wonderful.

Great to chat to you some more and huge hugs to you, I am so very proud of how you are taking care of you and what you need. Well done.

Sarah xx

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I am so sorry that you haven been having a rough time lately. The emotions really are a roller coaster when you are dealing with grief and loss. I hope you have had support around you and people can seek help to help you through it. Big hug to you Sarah.
Last Saturday I was overcome by a sense of no confidence in myself to build a new life and I just started crying. I also felt bad that I am making other people sad and upset by being so anxiety stricken and I hate having a negative impact on other people. I don't want people to feel like I am draining them as I have fears about pushing people away. This fear makes me very insecure that people won't like me and it makes me awkward which makes it hard for me to make friends. I just felt like I have nothing to offer and broke but help line and doctor made me feel better even though I found myself very nervous.
I am hoping one day I can heal from the hatred that I felt from my father instead of being scared of other people that they might reject me or be my enemy.

Thanks for listening Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning A

I hope today is a good one for you. Thank you so much for your kindness to me, this week has been a tough one and I am so very lucky to have a few things that I know help me. One is being here, talking to people like you and to share not only how you are feeling but how I am feeling and together just being here for each other, to know we are not alone and that there is care and support at hand. I also had an amazing councellor that I saw after my brother passed away and she gave me some really great insight into suicide and into grief and I have a little tool bag now with things that I now and understand, education sometimes can really help with the whole concept of why and how and blame. I learnt so much about suicide and part of my healing really did come from learning.

I am so pleased that you did feel better after putting a call into the help line. It is going to be a bit of a journey for you to put you back together after the grief of losing your father but also recovering from the trauma and abuse so there is a bit of work to do in that space. I can see though how determined you are and how strong you are so I am sure that this journey is going to be successful for you A, that you are going to learn so much about you and about the things you are capable of, you are starting to see these things already. You can build a life for you...you already are...you are so much more capable than you realize.

I understand what you mean about being a drain on people and making them feel bad, can I say though that when you reach out and let them support you it can actually make them feel good. I didn't realize this until I said to one of my friends how sorry I was that I was crying all the time and calling her all the time..she told me that it made her feel like she was actually of help to me, that I needed her and it was her way of actually being able to do something for me. I understand that too now as I am here, talking to others, I don't feel it as a burden, I feel that if I can share someone's pain and story with them I might help and that is a great feeling.

Lean on those that love you, they care and they want to help. You would do the same for them would you not? You are worth this journey of wellness and you are really making some wonderful progress A.

You have so very much to offer in life, I can see that here by your conversation with me.

Hugs to you A

Sarah xxxx