Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Curious77

WOW, you have certainly been on a growth path and I am so excited for you, to start to see a picture coming together that may put in place so very much of how your life is how it is today. I want to say first that it is never acceptable to treat someone poorly, however, once we understand and have compassion and empathy, it is like the behavior no longer is impacting us, that we see that this person has a life of things we really know nothing about, and that what they go through mentally in a day may take so much control to manage that the outbursts are little moments of when they are not able to do that. Now I am not asking you to accept this behavior from your father, however I think your eyes are now open to possibilities that he has had some trauma in his life. You are questioning and thinking and this is wonderful.

I am so sorry that your father has perhaps a life of pain and trauma, I don't wish this on anyone, I am even more sorry you are feeling the effects of issues not addressed and dealt with and his past is now causing you pain, however I think you are having some really great learnings here and that this behavior is not about you being a bad person, or worthless or him not loving you, that the picture is so much bigger and in fact, it probably has nothing to do with you at all, you are just the closest person to him to receive the overflow of emotion.

Keep moving forward and making your way to your new destination, I am so proud of you Curious77, well done and here to support you through this time.

Hugs to you

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Your insights are so impressive. It is amazing how much you know about the area of pain and trauma and it is like you have more than one life times worth of knowledge. It is like your a walking book on this.
I can understand that my father may have experienced terrible things given that Europe was not a great place when he was growing up but how he has managed to switch off his feelings and care for other people is what troubles me the most. Wouldn't a person that has suffered know how damaging other people's attacks are and that you would not want other people to experience it. He wants other people to experience that pain as well. He seems to be indifferent to other people outside the home and he seems to be in a bubble as far as the outside world is concerned but I don't understand the therapeutic value of what he is doing. What value is there in attacking people that are not the cause of your pain. Maybe he does not know any other way to live
Thanks for listening Sarah.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Curious77

Thank you for your kind words to me, I do probably have a life of pain that I am dealing with too, I am happy to share my story if you like, but being here and learning and sharing is what helps me in my journey to happiness and knowing that I am reaching out to support another person at their time on need.

I hear what you are saying in that why if your father has suffered would be the way he is, speak the way he does and treat you as he does? We are not all born with empathy and to be able to imagine how another may be feeling, sometimes being through so much trauma makes one numb if you like to emotion, maybe this is true for him, that he has suffered so much his only defense is to shut it out and in turn it comes out as hate or fear. His life may not have included love, or caring, he genuinely may not know how to show his love to you, or maybe his interpretation of love is how he treats you, as that is how he was treated. We can speculate as much as we like but we will never know his story and his pain until he is ready to share, he may never be ready.

Until the time he chooses to get some support for himself, and this may never happen, you have to do what you have to do to remain safe, protect your feelings and mostly have a place that does allow you to feel at home.

I hope talking here and exploring your options and how you feel can build your courage to reach out for support and know that you are worth having a happy life, you deserve to have a place to call home, that is free of abuse and suffering.

Chat again to you some more Curious77

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I hope you are getting happier and happier in every passing day and you sound like a very strong person so congratulations to you on how far you have come and continue to travel. I am here to listen to you if you want to talk just like you listen to me.
When you go to places like the community centre (the salvation army for that matter) you are struck by how much unmet need there is in housing, mental health services and just the basics of life. To me it is like just all these people out there who are stuck in a very bad situations and only a small number of people get lucky with lots of help. It just seems to me that we have failed as a society when so many people get turned away, it is noticeably bureaucratic and the staff and volunteers seem numb to the situation that they find themselves In. When people are facing such uncertainty how are they supposed to heal and move forward, quite depressing. A

[Aaronsis]

Hello Curious77

You are so very right, there is a huge need for support in this area and it is heartbreaking, people who have no where to go to and come as a last resort, after they have mustered up so much courage, to perhaps overcome shame and guilt and then to arrive to be turned away or made to feel like there are others in greater need. It really is a deficiency in our community, I hope one day that we can get the funding, the support and that this is an area that is given the attention it so desperately needs.

Thank you for saying I seem to be getting stronger and stronger, mostly this is true, however I have days when it is all too much and I fall in a heap, I just make sure I have my people around, my support and of course this forum to reach out to.

The reason I am here is that I lost my 19 year old brother in July of last year to suicide. I started my first post in desperation to find answers, to find out why, I had only once known someone who had died by suicide so this was a very first for me, and then on top of it, it was my brother. So here I reached out, lent on this community, learnt so very much about suicide and why mostly it happens, I got some grief counselling and then I just found my self here all the time, reaching out to others, I journalled, still do, and started to make my way to acceptance, to healing and to try to support my family also. So I guess it is almost like a lifetime of pain that I have experienced in a short time, but everyday I learn something new, have a new question or even a new realization and that is kind of cool too.

I hope you too find the means here to get what you need to make you feel whole also A.

Here to chat to you anytime and I thank you for your support to me too, it is what makes this place so magical, the goodness of others.

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I am so sorry for the terrible loss of your brother. The pain for all who loved him must have been terrible to lose him so unexpectedly. I also feel terrible for the pain that your brother was in and it must have felt like he was stuck in a black hole that he could not get out of.
I just feel like we are all to blame for suicide because the emphasis of society seems to be on the individual and if their life is bad then it is put back on the person and more people end up falling through the cracks or feeling like a failure. Even with people who are recovering from loss of loved one through suicide, they talk about helping the individual recover rather than what is wrong with the way we operate that increases the liklihood that people will be under too much pressure and their mental health will deteriorate. We have the most stressed kids ever and there needs to be a revolution in how we operate.
Hugs to you Sarah and your family.

[Curious77]

I would like to give an update. I am so upset that my father has died under the circumstances as he did not leave with us on good terms and there are so many unanswered questions that will never be answered. Do not know the cause yet but the are going to do an autopsy and I hope it was not what I fear. I will never no his life story and all the experiences that have affected him and his behaviour. I will never feel like I truly knew him because all I ever saw was the symptoms by his behaviour and not the reasons for it. All I think about right now is all the mistakes that I have made and how I could have handled it better so that the situation could have ended more forfilling for both of us, I am thinking about all the thoughts that were going through his mind and what they were right until he died but it will never be. I am so sad right now.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Curious77

I am so very very sorry for your loss, it is just heartbreaking and I can only imagine the pain that you are in right now, my deepest of thoughts and sympathy to you.

The not knowing is so very hard to manage and I too know only too well the pain that goes with that, however, some things we just have to accept as we can spend the rest of our lives thinking and overthinking and creating scenarios that may or may not be true, we do have to come to a place a acceptance and that we will never know. I hear how sad you are about the tale of your father's life will not be fully known and you have not got the full picture of his life to reflect on, this is so hard and I am really sorry, it really is tough.

Regardless of how your father passed, you are not to blame, you did not have had the best relationship with him, however, if it was his choice to leave this world we are not the cause. There is some time now until you will get some answers as to his passing so with all you can try not to think and rethink of the scenarios, I know, easier said than done, it will just cause you more pain and there could be a health reason that you were not aware of. So until you have a factual answer please try to be kind to you.

Death does make us reflect and sometimes we do focus on all the faults and all the things that we did that were wrong, all the things that we didn't do and how we "should" have done this and "should" have done that. As I mentioned before, it is hard not to have regrets and to feel guilt and want to blame, but try as hard as you can to be kind to you, you are going through enough without the added pain of blame.

The struggle you have had with your father makes this harder I understand that, that with his passing also gone now is the opportunity for you to have questions answered and for him to understand how you were feeling and for you to get maybe an apology from him, or at the least some understanding and acknowledgement that there were issues in your relationship.

I am so sorry Curious77, this is heartbreaking and I am so very sorry.

Thank you for your kind words about my brother and I am sorry I missed your last message to me, he sure was down a dark hole and there is pain that we could not pull him out, however, sometimes the mask of the black hole is too good and unless one reaches out and asks for a lift out, how can we help, without knowing we need to.

Huge hugs to you and we are here for you.

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I am so glad that you got my message.

I just wanted me and my father to move forward together so that we can both heal but now I feel as though my trauma and pain have no outlet to heal and I feel scared about my capacity to live with it because I feel overwhelmed.
Death is so troubling especially when they were alone and you have no idea what happened and no finally goodbye. I just feel like pain and trauma are hard to deal with on its own and I don't want to add guilt to it as well because I did not actually have any desire for him to suffer in anyway.
I got to wait for the process to unfold but I am also scared of seeing his body because I just feel like it would too much for me to cope with with all these thoughts in my head. I worry that people will think that I am a heartless person rather than overwhelmed because I was not being as engaged with him before and after because a person is not supposed to feel like I do after someone has died.
Thank yo so much for your support Sarah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Curious77

I hear what you are saying and that you are feeling so hurt at the fact that you will not be able to get the answers from your dad and have that closure, hopefully though you may consider some grief councelling, to help you work through the issues of when one does pass and you have many unresolved feelings to manage. I found it so wonderful and a really big piece of my healing journey.

The other thing is too Curious77, do not let the judgement of others impact you. Once again a very big thing that is easier said than done however, no one gets to tell you how to feel or why to feel, or how to grieve. It is a personal journey and everyone does it so very differently. This time now is about care for you. If you do not wish to see your father's body, you do not have to, and no one can make you. Who cares what other's think, they are not you and have not lived the life you have. You will say your goodbyes to you father as you see fit. Other's will do what they need to do.

There is also no "supposed" you feel how you feel and you have every right to own that. Just because your father has now passed, there is no reason for the way he lived and treated you to be any less painful or even forgotten. It is still apart of your life and will be until you can get some help to manage these feelings and address them.

You may decide to write your father a letter and maybe you can put all the feelings and questions in this letter and maybe you can put it with him when you farewell him. As a way to put the pain and the trauma that he caused you back with him and not with you, to let you now move on with your life knowing the way you were treated was poor but not your fault.

There are no rules to this Curious77, you do what is best for you, take care of you and you grieve how it feels right for you.

Hugs

Sarah