Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thanks for your positivity and kind and constructive feedback. Our chats are definitely helping me although I do not feel brave and feel like an emotional wreak and scared.
I actually ended up ignoring my father last night because I feel like he is angry and unable to come to terms with the situation so I feel like he is either going to become violent or passive aggressive from now on. I have decided that I do not have the emotional energy to deal with him and I need to just concentrate on my own sanity and move somewhere else if possible. I just cannot afford to dedicate any energy to him because he won't meet me in the middle. Hopefully there will be opportunities for me to move on physically because it will be tiring to keep ignoring him and I won't be able to heal and rebuild myself as well as I could away from. He is just so toxic and hate filled it just looks like the whole world has caved in and it is very draining.
There seems to be a lot of stigma around family violence or downplaying it amongst my relatives and I hope that is not a society wide problem because that would make it worse for those in it.
Thanks for listening Sarah.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Curious77

I am so sorry to hear that last night was so very difficult for you with your father, it does take energy to ignore and to avoid, sometimes more so. I just want to ensure though that you are safe above all, you mentioned that you are concerned he may become violent, this is not ok and not acceptable. Should this be the case that you are feeling unsafe please reach out to the Police if the situation escalates. I am wondering if a call to the Salvation Army even to discuss some accommodation or some support from them. They are very caring and a conversation can never harm. Your safety is paramount so please take care.

It is so very hard to remain strong and positive when in a situation like you are in, if you feel the relationship is toxic and it is draining you, it does make finding anything to make you feel joy next to impossible as I am sure the internal dialogue going on in your head is just keeping the peace and managing one moment to the next. This is emotionally and physically draining and I am so very sorry this is happening to you.

Maybe even getting out for a long walk can help with taking some time away from your father, as well as some fresh air and sunshine. This can give you even a little peace.

Please also if you feel you want to talk in person reach out to the people at the Beyond Blue line, sometimes a good old chat can really help too.

I would be interested to know what you think about reaching out to the Salvos and seeing if they can help you. I know it may seem a very daunting thing to do, however it is important for you to feel safe Curious77.

Chat some more soon

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I hope I am not draining you too much. It must be hard on you absorbing all the pain in this forum. I can see that you have posted many times so you must have heard many terrible circumstances. Thank you for being supportive.
There is this place where I get public funded dental care which is a community centre that supports homeless people with the necessities that they need. I would imagine they would have support workers and counsellors who would know the ropes if I tell them my sitution

[Aaronsis]

Thank you so much for your kind works Curious77

I am here because I want to help people, to give support and to be a friend, I am here to let people know that there is hope, there is help and that together we can get through these times. I am not alone though, there are many many wonderful people here on this forum, including you and together we share and talk, believe it or not I actually get my healing from these chats. Between seeking professional help and chatting here I can credit my mending and healing from grief from people here. I try hard not to absorb but being an empath I do worry, take feelings on board and general have care and concern for people here, although I do also know at the end of the day, I try my best and it is up to the individual to drive their healing too.

Chat away as much as you want to, as much as you feel comfortable, I am here for you Curious77. I think contacting the community centre will be a wonderful start and if they are not able to help I am sure that they can direct you to a place that can. I think you too can see that the time for you to do what is best for you is here, and I think that is to find an alternative place to live.

Hugs to you Curious77

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah.

I am so glad the positives outweigh the negatives and that it helps with the thoughts in your head.
The last couple of days I have been feeling like a homeless person because I only really go home to sleep. Home is supposed to be the place where you are most comfortable and not uncomfortable. It is supposed to be the place where you engage in the activities that you want that bring you joy and have it the way you want it so that it feels good for you. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells and not be able to relax. It is certainly not a place where I can recuperate and heal or feel safe because you are living with your enemy. It feels as about as much a home to me as the footpath.
Thanks for listening Sarah.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Curious77,

We are so sorry to hear how uncomfortable and uneasy you are feeling at home, it sounds like things are really difficult right now and we can hear the pain that this must be causing you. But please know that you are not alone in this, and there is a lot of support out there available for you. You have come to a safe, supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
We're also currently getting in touch with you via email to provide you with some additional supports that can help you through this.
We hope that you continue to keep us updated on how you're going, whenever you feel ready.  

[Aaronsis]

Hello Curious77

I hear what you are saying about feeling like a homeless person, that really is hard to accept, that your place in which you sleep is not actually a home. However, can I say that with the relationship that you are managing with your dad, it didn't feel like a home anyway, so it probably has always felt as such, just a place to rest your head. I think that the sooner you can make steps to find another place to call home, somewhere where you do come to rest and relax, to enjoy and have conversation with others and share a meal. It might even be at a place that is like emergency accommodation at this time, however at least you will be safe, you will feel peace and you will not be having to endure the emotional and mental dealings with your father.

I understand it takes a huge amount of strength and courage to make this move, and to reach out to services to ask for assistance, it really does and I understand you need to find the inner strength to make this move, we are here with you, right behind you to say you can, you can make a call, to see what is available to you, to stay safe and to have a place you can call home.

I am so beyond sorry that you have this relationship with your father, it really is difficult as our parents are supposed to provide us with the safety and comfort we need in life, as I mentioned to you before though, we really don't know the things that your father is suffering himself which is also really sad for him.

Here for you Curious77, I hope you feel the care and support we have for you, you matter.

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I do indeed feel the care and support provided here, thank you.
I have decided to start writing down my feelings and thoughts to see if it helps me think more clearly and whether it helps see things from a different angle in my efforts to summon the courage to go to the community centre after the long weekend because I do not speak very well in person. I don't want to walk in there as a mess or not talking coherently so I am hoping that will do the trick so that I can get the best out of talking with the people there.
Writing things down may also provide more information about my father's state of mind which we don't know, as you point out, so looking back on what I have written down down the track may provide more clarity too.
Thanks for listening Sarah

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Curious77

That sounds like a really great idea, writing can form a means of therapy in getting it all out as well as providing a clear and comfortable means of communication when you do feel overwhelmed with a situation, so I think you have come at this from a really good angle. Not only will you get across to the other person how you are feeling and what you need but you can remain calm and in control, which is what I am hearing you are really worried about. Great idea and I am so pleased you are considering the next steps for you, in making some wonderful choices for you, your happiness and indeed your self esteem.

You are absolutely right too, what you have written here has captured your feelings, your concerns, the behaviour of your father, how it impacts you, this thread would be a great place to pull some of those thoughts and idea together to start your journal off, infact I think you have already started..

I think even starting to make some inquiries and making steps to move and to find out what is available to you will do your self esteem wonders, to show you that you are capable, you are worthwhile and you are strong. It is almost exciting, to see where this journey leads you, to finding some new strengths about you, that you knew where there, buried inside, can now come out and you can start to flourish.

I am really looking forward to being on this journey with you, I am here to support you.

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thank you for your kind words and support. I know very little about charities or the not for profit sector so at the very least I will learn a lot about how all that operates.
I was talking to a person at the community centre on the phone about my father to see what services they offer and it is interesting that I know very little about his childhood or his family and friends when he was growing up. For example, I have never known them and he has never talked about their personalities or interests or their life stories which I never realised before. He has never said much about his brother and does not talk to him and he has not talked about his extended family. It is like his life never existed before he came to Australia and even if something is said, it is just touched on.
Thanks for listening Sarah.