Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

[Tams20]

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

[Tams20]

Hi Mary & Croix,

Good visit with my psychiatrist this morning. Went into it feeling pretty down and she was able to put some perspective on how I was feeling, help me feel better about things. I like her ‘no-nonsense’ style, I find it very easy to talk to her. She can make me feel good about myself and helps me to realise that it’s ok to feel how I do, than it should get better as my meds are adjusted and I level out. And also reassurance that I will learn to live with my condition and learn to look for the signs and ride out the highs and lows.

Mary, when I told her I had a rough time coming off the SSRIs she told me off for not calling! She said it’s ok to ask for help if things get really bad, it’s part of the service they provide... she also said that all of her new patients struggle with the concept of calling!

Croix, re: my comments regarding the forums, I feel awful now because I think I have made a few people feel bad, which was NOT my intention.... arghh!

Tams

[Tams20]

Sorry Mary, forgot to ask how your psych visit went? Hopefully as good as mine 😊

Tams

[Guest8901]

Good afternoon Tams.

Sorry to hear you were triggered by a facebook exchange yesterday. I rarely use facebook, but do have an account. I dont do notifications and only go in there to catch up with long-distance family members. Its useful for that purpose. My 'facebook friends' are very limited and can be counted on two hands. Its certainly not nice to feel excluded, rejected or inadequate. The way I see it, you are definitely none of those things anyway, though reality doesn't often play much of a part when it comes to our feelings and emotions. So yeah, probably best to stay away for a while.

I was born and bred in the bush, then spent some time in the city, then fled back to the bush as soon as I could. Will never change that now. I realise it would be difficult for you to leave the city because of your career. Its a shame, but perhaps a seachange is a goal for you to strive for?

Oh dear, now that sounds sadly familiar - sneaking off to the toilets at work for a little cry. I can certainly recall doing that a few times! Sigh - I do miss work though. Anyway, you obviously got through yesterday and have been to your long awaited psychiatrist appointment today.

It sounds like a very constructive and reassuring session, and I'm really pleased for you. It must also be a comfort to know that you can call her any time you feel yourself struggling. Even if you dont actually call, sometimes just knowing that you can, is enough to help you through a tough time. Realising that you do have back up and support there if needed. It sounds as though you have struck a great psychiatrist, one you can talk openly to, one you have confidence in, one who can make you feel good about yourself. Tick, tick, tick.

As for your posts on Nats thread, you have no cause to be concerned. Your comments and suggestions were very valid and I dont believe anybody would be offended or hurt by them. Its one of the good things here with the forums, we are each allowed to have an opinion and to express it. Its inevitable that not everyone is going to agree with us every time. But we can still state our opinions, because they are all equally important. But at the end of the day, we all know that there is never any intention to harm or hurt another individual. So all good, and please do not worry yourself over it.

Wishing you a pleasant evening tonight. I guess you'll be working tomorrow? If so, I hope its stress free and highly productive.

Amanda

[Croix]

Dear Tams

With your comments I meant firstly that they were thought-provoking, secondly that they were useful and thirdly they need to be said, this place can always use such, it is a construct of all the people that make it up, including you.

Amanda is right, nobody would have been offended or hurt. Please do not fret (otherwise I will for mentioning it:)

Your psych sounds excellent.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

So pleased to hear you feel comfortable with the psychiatrist. Can I say "I told you so". 😊 Doctors in general will be OK about out-of-hours phone calls. I suspect they will also tell you if they feel you are being too pushy. We do not become unwell to order and when incidents crop up you are not expected to manage on your own. I know it's hard to make that call and while you feel like that you are most unlikely to call over trivial matters.

Thank you for asking, my psych visit was good. We got a few misunderstandings cleared up and I was able to tell her how I felt after our previous meeting. And how I felt after contacting her later that day. It is important to keep your communications clear and up to date. One of my habits is to not say what I want to say for fear of giving offence or making the other person angry. I think I am getting over this with this psych and it feels so much better talking with her.

I have not read your comments on Quercus thread yet. I will try to look but I gather from Croix and Amanda they were good and useful comments and without offence. Try to remember your views are as important as other points of view and you are supposed to have your own ideas.

Please look after yourself.

Mary

[Birdy77]

Hi Tams (Hi Tams' lovely team here😊),

I responded to you the FB thread and also Amanda's so thought I'd pop in here and say hi as well.

As Croix and Mandy have said, you have absolutely nothing to worry about on Nat's thread! What you said was perfectly valid and as far as can tell was taken on board well. Don't stress please 😊.

I love gardening, and am happy to chat all day when you're ready! I have just started from scratch here on my suburban-sized block. I'm a bit further south than you, on the coast, so a similar climate to Sydney. I did the opposite to Mary, and started from the fenceline and working my way in. I have a small but productive veg patch on the go, and with ornamentals i am a great believer in only-the-tough-will-survive.

It sounds good to ditch FB, I don't engage in any social media and I think I'm better off for it. It would most definitely add to my anxiety and depression (my main struggles), and it's difficult enough as it is. You did not need to see that juvenile exchange the other day.

I hope you have a better day at work today.

🌻birdy

[smallwolf]

Hey, hope things are going ok. Your psych visit sounded as though it went well.

I understand about the FB problem. Since I have been on stress leave, messaging is the only way work can contact me. Unfortunately not everyone follows the doctor advice on not contacting or how to contact. So I got this message about not telling my boss anything. Wasn't true as I had let him know about my mental state via email. Point is that I felt small, guilty, betrayed etc.

Will talk more later. Spending today with parents. Hope you have a good day

[Tams20]

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your replies. Apologies for the group response, have been meaning to reply to each of you but haven’t had enough time to do a decent job of it.

I’m struggling again today, seems to be a weekend thing... I’m at a loose end if I don’t have work to go to... my husband nags me about EVERYTHING and the kids are too loud and excited all the time... I just want to go somewhere quiet but I’m already being criticised by my husband for spending too much time away from the family (apparently I’m ‘always out drinking’ with my friends... which includes soccer training and matches apparently) so I’m trapped here with him. He doesn’t have any friends and rarely goes out, he’s jealous that I do, so he tried to shame me into not going out by saying I’m neglecting the kids and not a good mother. Thankfully I know it’s not true so I don’t let him control me, but he really can ruin my mood. I have previously told him I will leave him if he tries to control me and is unsupportive, thankfully I am the breadwinner so have the upper hand in the relationship, I’d hate to see him if I didn’t.

I was just singing in the kitchen while cleaning up after breakfast, feeling a bit better, and my husband told me to ‘stop making that awful racket’. Even though I can actually sing and he knows I can. Why would he put me down like that? Of course I replied with a comment that it’s no wonder I want to be with my friends when being around him is constant put-downs. It’s endless, he’s always having a go at me and I’m always having to justify or defend everything I do. I’m hiding in the bedroom writing this because if he sees me he will tell me to ‘stop texting my girlfriend’ (apparently I’m a lesbian because I don’t worship him) ‘and do something with the kids for a change’.

Not a great day. Not a great choice of partner either. Maybe I will leave him in the future, before he totally ruins my self-esteem...

Tams

[Guest8901]

Oh Tams, I'm so sorry you have to go through that crap. Unfortunately it all sounds so terribly familiar to me. I deeply sympathise, but I'm afraid that I'm not a good person to offer any advice on this matter, as I continue to put up with all that. Certainly I understand and support you. Keep your options open for future, as it sounds like it is an extremely unsupportive relationship. Perhaps as the kids get a little older, you may feel more able to do something which will benefit you, rather than everyone else.

Kindest.

Amanda

[smallwolf]

Have you spoken about this with your psych*?

Not sure how you are not doing things with the kids based on your posts! You also said that you do the soccer runs etc. Does or could your hsuband help here? Years ago, my son played AFL. And at each game they always needed volunteers for various jobs - water carrier, boundary rider, scorer etc. Many parents would do what I call dump and run, but I liked being able to help out there. Way of the engaging with other people.

On singing in the kitchen... While I would say that it sounds to me like jealously (unfortunately), or that he does not want you to have any fun or happy moments. This is something I would bring up with my psych. I am a slow learner, but have worked out that I need to live in accordance with my values, and if I do not then I won't ever be "happy". By this I mean that I have work out what is important in my life. It also means communication and compromise. That is with my wife, work and anything else. And while I can understand your reply, I might say that it would add fuel to the fire. Sorry.

As to the rest of your comments as to how your husband treats you, does not sounds very good. The constant put-downs would not be good for your own mental state. Although my situation is different to yours, the put-downs and otherwise lack of acknowledgement or feeling of worth in my work environment, chips away at you, until you hit breaking point.

But I am not really in a position to tell you what you should or should not do. Sorry. But I think that reflection on your part, talking to your psych* will help you make the right decision(s).

Tim