Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

[Tams20]

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

[White_Rose]

Dear Tams

Your husband sounds worse than mine and that's saying something. My ex had a dreadful childhood and general upbringing. His mother was horribly cruel to all three of her children. If this happened now she would probably be in jail. So I understand his background and I am sorry for the hurt he received. No child should be treated in that fashion.

Having said that, it is no excuse for abusing others. I tried the best I could and whether it was or was not enough did not give him the right to be unkind. He found it hard to make friends and would often form a friendship with the husbands of my friends. Like your husband he would try to limit me seeing my friends but the argument faded as my children grew up and were old enough to be left at home. I returned to the workforce when my youngest was nearly five and it was the best thing I did.

My ex had a job and initially he said he didn't want any of my money to run the house. He did change his tune when we paid off our mortgage early. I wonder what is in your husband's background that has caused him to behave in this fashion. Did he feel rejected by his parents, unloved, told he was stupid etc? I know my ex was determined that no woman would ever tell him what to do, especially his wife and mother of his children. I can see why he felt that way. But again, it's no excuse.

In the end I was no longer prepared to put up with the constant sarcasm and put downs. Even after we separated he would make nasty comments to me or about me when we had family gatherings.

As the family breadwinner you probably make him feel useless, of no account and so on. This is not your fault or because of anything you have done. It's about him and his dysfunctional way of living. Is there any reason why he does not work? Not being nosey, just wondering if he had a medical condition or something similar. He sounds as though he has no self esteem and all he can do is blame you and take out his frustrations on you.

Would he be open to counselling, perhaps marriage counselling with both of you? I tried to get my ex to marriage counselling but he said there was nothing wrong with him so he didn't need it. I suspect your husband would say something similar.

I think you need to consider your options about staying or leaving. It's not easy to walk out on a marriage unless your life is in danger and you must go immediately. The biggest hurdle is always finances I have found. Think about this. As usual I have gone on too long.

Mary

[Birdy77]

Wow Tams.

Weekends must suck majorly if that's what you have to put up with.

Your husband has no place treating you like this. I cannot even imagine my partner speaking like that to me ...

Everyone else has said it, so all I will say at this point is: "text your girlfriend" as much as you like or need to, we'll always be here to listen to you and support you.

Hope you can do something lovely without being picked on this afternoon.

🌻birdy

[Tams20]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your replies. He's not always like that, but when he's in a bad mood, tired or stressed he often reverts to that type of behavior. I don't think he had a particularly loving childhood, his dad wasn't really 'present' in the family and his mum wasn't very motherly towards him (she still isn't). I have earned more money than him for a very long time, it's taken a while for him to accept that to be honest... he's not working now because he was made redundant a while back and was quite depressed about it... he'd been working part-time in a job he hated and doing all of the childcare drop-offs and pick-ups - I got a new job and my pay rise was bigger than he was bringing in for his part-time job, so I said that he didn't have to work for a bit. It suits me better, as my work can be long hours and I occasionally have to travel, and he's happier as a 'stay at home dad'.

So things are better now than they have been. I am pretty resilient with him, he rarely gets to me, I just argue back. I work in a male-dominated environment (construction industry) so I'm used to conflict and aggressive behavior. But it's not a great situation, particularly for the kids to witness. My daughter now says 'Mummy you're always texting' and 'Mummy you go out too much' so it's already starting to affect their behavior. It's OK to have a go at Mummy. Not great....

Tams

[Frosty_34]

Hi Tams ,Croix and White rose

Hope you all are well.

The winds have died down a touch but the water level is still critical.

I saw my gp a cpl days ago and he really didnt look too impressed with me. I mentioned i had missed a week with my medication and he wasnt happy. I explained all my suicidal thoughts and he noted them. Hes teed up a physcologist for some sessions but i dont even know when they start. It was all a bit of a rush and the only change is double the dose of one medication. Ill see how i go this week and get back to him.

Superb poem white rose.loved it.

I love how you blend your feelings with the weather Tams. . Makes me drift off to sunnier places.

Sorry for not updating you guys sooner.

Feeling dark and shitty again..

Take care.xx

[Croix]

Dear Frosty_34~

Thanks for letting know how you are going, does not sound the best. One thing I'll mention because I have done this is to keep in pretty close contact with my doctor if changing meds or dosages. It is very easy for unwanted effects to build up. You sound a bit fragile anyway so bearing that in mind would be good.

I'm not trying to lecture you, just frightened myself before now.

I hope the psych does some good, your thoughts must be pretty draining and discouraging. Do you mind if I ask if you are still at work? In some situations I've actually found it good to have that occupying my thoughts.

Is there anything you can do to try to lighten your mood, something you have enjoyed in the past? (No I don't mean gambling or anything else that costs money:) I may have mentioned but exercise, books and movies all help me as do pets - do you have any?

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

I hadn't realized you had such an abrasive husband, you must have a lot more patience than I'd have. It sounds horrible. Being able to hold your own is all very well, but it s basically corrosive to the soul. I'm also sorry your kids are picking up on it. Is your daughter old enough to have a phone she can text on, then you and she could text together?

Its really great you have the financial end under control, if it was the other way around I'd hate to think what it might be like.

As for singing, did you have training or ever perform? It was one of the things I realy enjoyed when younger. How about your kids, any idea if they like it?

Croix

[Tams20]

Hi Frosty,

Am glad to hear from you again, but sorry that you’re not feeling great. Keep up with the meds if you can, as Croix mentioned the side effects need to be monitored closely.

Are you happy with your GP? When I mentioned to mine that I was having suicidal thoughts and that the ADs were making me feel worse she took it very seriously - recommended a hospital stay (although I didn’t go), put me on a low dose anti-psychotic to take the edge off my racing thoughts and help me sleep and referred me to a psychiatrist for a full assessment.

Do you think a visit to the psychiatrist might be useful for you? The advantage is that they can prescribe medication. I’ve only had two visits with my Psych, but she has changed my meds and adjusted them, with another few adjustments planned to get up to a treating dose. I can already see that this sort of thing would have been beyond my GP (who is very good).

Hang in there, stay in that boat! And please keep us posted on how you are going.

Tams

[Tams20]

Hi Croix,

Yes he can be abrasive, that’s a good way of describing him. But I can be pretty cold and indifferent towards him, I am sometimes difficult to live with, so I guess it’s a two-way street. When things are going well we get on well, when things are strained we bicker and argue. But it is corrosive to the soul, you’re right. He’s often more jealous than supportive, if I succeed at something I tend to downplay it or not mention it to him, it’s easier that way. I just tell myself that it’s his problem, not mine. He is a good father and great around the house so I don’t have any complaints there.

Playing guitar was more my thing and I struggle to find the time with young kids. Singing is easy as I can do it while I’m doing housework! My kids both seem quite musical, fingers crossed they take after me in that respect.

Tams

[Frosty_34]

Hi Croix,

Yes I still at work, currently full time. Well im actually on a 2 week break from work, it was all getting to much so I needed sometime to gather my thoughts and heal as I have a couple big projects to run for the rest of the year. Id be in ten times more of a mess if i didn't work so i agree with you there. My mind races constantly, thats probably a good thing for when im at work because im always a step ahead, but when i get home I am a broken record.I have a few books to start but feel sluggish and need to be in the right headpsace to read, might need to get some open air today.

Hi Tams,

Sorry to hear about the negatives your going through with your husband, I cant believe you can do housework and sing at the same time!! How good is that, Oh I wish I had a voice or some musical talent.

I initially asked for a psychiatric assessment or to see a psychiatrist. I understand they have the ability to alter your medications to suit. But a psychologist doesn't? so im not sure what the GP's plan is there. Ill stick with him because he really is the only person who knows whats going on,besides you guys now. The idea of having something take the edge of my racing thoughts would suit, Ill wait and see how this assessment goes, maybe I need to enforce it sooner rather than later.

The boat is re-fueling, the water level has eased but this wont last for long..

frosty

[Croix]

Dear Frosty~

I can relate to feeling too sluggish to read at times. In that sort of state it's hard to start anything. I do find it easier to persuade myself to go for a walk, and if by myself listen to a podcast or audio-book as I go. If the book is good and I've enough discipline not to keep on listening when I get home it is often enough of a spur to get me out walking the next time.

You could be wrong, it might last a fair while:) every day is different in some way or another.

Croix