Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

[Tams20]

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

[Tams20]

Smallwolf, Croix, Mary,

I was in a bad state last night when I wrote that post... not sure what happened... I’ve had a good week, things seemed to be improving for me. Everything was good, then on the train home from work yesterday I suddenly started feeling sad. Really sad. Only just managed to get off the train and out of the station before I started bawling. Had to meet my husband and kids for dinner and had to call saying I’d be late because I was such a mess. The depression hit me so hard and so suddenly that it was frightening.

So thank you all for responding so quickly as it has really helped me. I feel a bit better today.

Mary, I’m in the trough patiently waiting to be lifted up on the next wave.... Am just about to take the kids up the street for a coffee and babycinos, the sun has come out and I want to make the most of it. I agree that physical activity is good, I am the same. When we get back I’m going to get out a jigsaw puzzle to do with the kids (could end in tears). And we might bake a cake (again, risky with my kids). I love the idea of gardening but our garden is such a mess. I think I’ll make it my project for spring, to give it a full makeover. Our dog has finally lost his digging and chewing urges (only took him 5 years 🙄) so it might actually survive!

Smallwolf, thanks for the happy memory ideas, I think I can do that! There are plenty of them, just need to gather them up and start to use them. Thanks 😊. And good luck with the job!

Croix - I would imagine the police force would be a tough place to be at times... you would get to see the awful side of humanity and witness some terible things... but also get to make a real positive difference to people’s lives. My work is just about making profit for shareholders... not making the community a better place, like you. Suddenly I feel quite inadequate....

Thanks again everyone - time for that coffee.

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams20~

I live in a rural community and most of the shareholders I know are not corporate high fliers but retirees who have fixed budgets but ever increasing expenses, not only utilities and such, but more demands made by their health.

As a result your actions indirectly do affect the market and these people too. Apart from that it does not realy matter what your occupation, it is how to deal with and influence the sphere of people around you that realy matters. Kindness and perception count everywhere. (Well, perhaps not so much for drug lords:)

You know all this, plus I'm sure you realize meds take you up and down, it is not you, it is a reaction. Your next psych appointment will doubt be helpful in this regard.

So hang in their, enjoy you coffee and try not to fall in the (old) canine excavations

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

So horrible when you collapse like a pricked balloon, especial when there is no apparent reason. As Croix has commented, meds do this and so does the depression. Nothing to do with how you are going in general. So rest easy in the trough and concentrate on those things you enjoy. I have no doubt you will rise up to see the horizon soon.

It must have been a bad night in general as I fell over big time. In the end I phoned the psychiatrist's after hours number and actually spoke to my psych instead of someone else in the practice. Always a lucky dip. It was good to get stuff off my chest so to speak but I do not want to go back there. This morning is so much better. I have put a new cross stitch pattern on my frame and it feels good to have something lovely and soothing to do.

It makes no difference what job you do. It all goes to the common good because you are supporting yourself and your family. Something to be pleased about.

Getting into the garden is a great occupation. I find the cooler months best and do very little in the summer. Qld can get hot. I try to do major work such as landscaping in the cool weather. Even planting I do as much as possible in the cold. Gives them a chance to settle before the warm weather hits.

I love jigsaw puzzles and want to complete them quickly. It can be a fight to decide which hobby to do, but having made the choice I concentrate on it rather than thinking about the other hobbies. Housework does suffer though but as I live alone it's not too much of a problem. I tell myself that a bit of untidiness shows my home is lived in. It hasn't stopped family and friends visiting.

When you do feel lost and upset it is a good idea to stop for a short while and get yourself together. Trying to be part of a group makes recovery so much harder. And it is exhausting. So good choice.

Activities with children can be a mixed blessing. What they will remember is that you spent time with them and taught them skills such as cooking and patience with the jigsaw puzzle. Most importantly they know you love them and that will stay.

I hope you will get back to yourself, as it were.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Mary,

Yes what was it about Friday night - maybe it was a full moon?? I always struggle when there is a full moon. It was a good thing that your psychiatrist was available for you to speak to. I've been tempted to call a couple of times but am still new to this and I never like to 'impose' on people. I tend to keep everything to myself and am not one to accept offers of help. Which is probably why I end up in these situations. Anyway I hope you are feeling better now? Did you get your cross stitch done? Or is it more of a longer term project?

I will have to get your advice when I start planning the garden makeover, you sound like you might be a bit of an expert. I'm in Sydney, so a different climate to QLD (although not too different to south eastern QLD) and I also do not have a green thumb, so I need very resilient, low-maintenance plants! Our garden is a disgrace though, needs so much work.

I'm feeling quite good today, might be close to seeing the horizon soon. Hope you are the same 🙂

Tams

[Tams20]

Hi Croix,

Yes you are right, my parents are self-funded retirees who live off the dividends of companies like the one I work for. My employer also does a lot of good work out in the community, rather than just maximising their profits, so ethically they were a good choice for me :-).

My review with the Psych is on Thursday, looking forward to discussing meds, reactions, thoughts, feelings etc. I do feel like things are moving in the right direction though, which is good.

I hope you are well? I like the idea of living in a rural community... I grew up in a large country town, but have now spent more than half my life in Sydney, living in the inner city... as you can imagine, it's always good to get out of the city and into the country... I wish I could live there, but unfortunately my career keeps me tied to the big cities.

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

You sound better today, I'm glad. Rural communities are a mixed blessing. I've a large town nearby and that makes all the difference.

There is a temptation when visiting a psych after the event to not go into details about what has been happening. Sometimes I find I don't even really remember. I think that is one of the pluses of keeping a journal, as it makes an accurate record. Without the exact data treatment is more hit an miss.

Croix

[Guest8901]

Dear Tams,

Finally got around to catching up with your thread, something I've been intending to do for ages. I have just read through your thread and am pretty much abreast of all that you've been going through since early April. Gosh ... difficult times!

I can relate to the SI, as I too went through a period a fewmonths ago where almost every waking thought revolved around planning etc. Then I made a failed attempt, typical stuff-up on my behalf. 😞

You have done amazingly well to have weaned off the SSRIs and onto mood stabilisers so quickly. I greatly admire you for that. Its pretty impressive how you've continued to work and lead a full family life at the same time as everything else thats going on for you.

Do you still think you have been misdiagnosed? I have a brother in law who has Bipolar, and he went through an immensely difficult time until he was properly diagnosed and put onto the correct medications, dosages etc. He is now in a good place and copes well. But it took a long time.

It sounds as though you are looking forward to your psych review on Thursday, a chance to discuss things and gain reassurance that everything is on track.

Okay now that I have found you, and posted here, I can now continue to keep track of how you're going. Thanks again for your support of me on my thread, its very much appreciated.

Amanda

[Tams20]

Hi Amanda,

Thanks for your post, much appreciated when I know you’ve got so much to deal with at the moment!

No I don’t think I’ve been misdiagnosed, that was just me having a bit of a panic. A few months ago I didn’t officially have a mental illness... I still struggle with the concept. The Bipolar II diagnosis makes a lot of sense when I look back in my life. I’ve always been a bit of a handful and those who have managed to stick with me obviously appreciate those quirks and are able to see past my indiscretions...

You’re right, I am looking forward to my follow up with the Psychiatrist tomorrow. I don’t feel that things are right yet and I want to speak to her about it. I don’t feel comfortable contacting her between visits so I’ve been hanging in there and looking forward to this visit for a while!

I’m a bit sad today, triggered by an exchange between two of my friends on Facebook that made me feel excluded, rejected, inadequate... I know - I’m 42 and suddenly I feel like I’m back in high school! 🙄 I have since deactivated my Facebook account, I’m too insecure and fragile for social media at the moment, I think I need to keep things simple for now.

Am at work and have been to the toilets twice already for a sneaky cry - think it will be a long day!

Tams

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

Both of us off to see our respective psychs tomorrow. Sydney and Brisbane people may need to watch out.

It's amazing how we find ourselves back at school no matter what our age and experience. I think it shows how uncertain and fragile we can be at times. Giving up FB is a smart move. So many opportunities for hurt no matter the reason for the posts. When you feel strong enough and would like to go back, then reactivate your account.

I'm not keen on contacting my psych out of hours as I feel they have a life as well. This set up is part of a practice and as I understand it the doctors rotate being on call. I think I have phoned four times in three years and got my own psych three times. If you have been given out of hours contact numbers I think it's OK to use them. Must be something big that cannot wait until your next appointment. Why not ask about the protocol of out-of-hours contact.

Asking for help is something I think we all struggle with. When is it OK? I got into this situation I should be the one to get me out of it. What if the doctor is in the middle of dinner? What if he/she is angry? Heaps of questions which is why it would be useful to talk about it.

I put the fabric on my frame and started. Unfortunately the weave is too small for me to see the holes even wearing my glasses and with a strong light. Sad really as I have been looking forward to sewing this for several years. It's put away for now and I have started something else.

I'm not sure I'm the best person to advise you on your garden. Have a chat with Quercus. She is planning a whole new garden when her new house is built. I have lots of low maintenance plants and find they look good. Every time it rains I smile because it means I do not need to water. Start with a small patch in the middle and work out towards the fences.

Middle of the afternoon and I cannot keep my eyes open. I need a nana nap. Will chat more later.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

I think you are very wise to give FaceBook the flick. I found it was not worth the upheavals it caused. My mind - like most I suppose - insists on treating social media interactions in the same light as normal life ones, and it is a completely different set of rules.

I found your comments about the forum in Nat's thread v interesting. I hope you psych visit tomorrow is a good one

Croix