Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Deebi,

Oh the poor lad... that sounds very painful... it's good to hear he is now on the ward... it must be so hard for you lass not being able to be there with him...

After all the worry today I think it would be a good idea for you to try & have an early night..

Hugs

Paws

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi,

Just popping in to send you both my everlasting love, care and some big but gentle hugs to you both....

Im pleased to hear that mr beautiful is now in the wards...

Its hard when your not allowed to visit your loved one in hospital....He is in the best place possible right now, and being cared for by our amazing nurses....Wishing you and mr Deebi...all the very best.....love to you both and some healing vibes through our golden chain....

Much love bbff....

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy....💚🦄👼🌈

[demonblaster]

Hi bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 Pawsy 🐾 and readers 👋
Thanks so much girls you're lovely. It's always comforting with your very appreciated support.

Pawsy I had a lovely image of gorgeous Woofa wanting to snuggle next to the darling thanks for that 😄
He got a laugh too.
Grandy I passed yours on too ya lovelies. Very appreciated especially the choccys he loves as much as we do. Clearly the man has excellent tastes 😉

Poor honey nasty bizzo to go through one let alone two high pain conditions.
The op recovery and whole deal takes time to recoop. Poor love I read Pancreatitis can be a few days to wks for recovery. No surgical intervention for it.
The Gallstones can return bummer. Hes had the G.bladder out.

Surprisingly amidst BP and other mh issues I got there packing Mr 😍 hospital bag. It was pathetically 😅 slow but got there which is the main thing.

He's a dear man. Yes not being there's a poop tho easier accepting it knowing why.

I'm so grateful for today's technology. Mobiles are a god send.
The stress was high, his volume was playing up which I've worked a way around and mine was a bit naughty too in bits. The LandLine then wasn't working but sorted now with several calls and lot of time. Yay

What sank my heart was seeing him in so much pain.
He rarely volunteers his feelings. It took about 5 concerned asks.
The beautiful thing I could see in his face something was wrong but that was after I started asking. Sensed it.
He mostly when I ask says what's happening then. The pain probs held him back poor fella

Grandy love I had a lovely memory of hearing the ocean at school. Thx for that sweetyheart and for your always caring post including to beautiful Mr Deebi 😍 he's thankful too ☺ I still sometimes put the sheet over part of his head and tell him that's the hat Grandy knitted you 😄 when it's cool

Ditto lovey it's good knowing we can get on top of all this. In normal times Ptsd's pop up but I can handle the memories without too much grief. Another story in BP usually. Thinking sometime I'll do another mindspot course. My head was in a lot worse shape then with greieving/BP type 1/higher anxiety. They say a lot repeat it. At times I remember bits and apply.

Bbl reminders BP/Ptsd/anxiety/hyper vigilance/paranoia/high stress moments/diet/calm/(reminders) walking/unwell again but ok.

Always deep love bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩🤗👀💜 care and love to you too Pawsy you're both pretty awesome don't ya think 🤗🤗

[Paw Prints]

Hello Deebi, wave to Mr Deebi,

Lass it's quite natural for you to be feeling all those things... even if you didn't have mh issues they would pop into your mind... especially given what you have dealt with in the past...

Now you need to keep reminding yourself that the doctors have found what is wrong... it is treatable & your Mr Lovely will be home soon... if you think doing the mindspot course might help then go for it... or perhaps you could spend the time making plans for when Mr Deebi gets home... things to keep him occupied if he has to rest & not do much... or hiding the yummy food he might not be allowed at first (where you can still reach them of course)...

Do be gentle with yourself lass & reach out if you find yourself worrying in circles

Huggliest of hugs for you & Mr D

Paws

[demonblaster]

Hey Pawsy 🐾 Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 and good people out there ☺

As mentioned I always very much appreciate what and how you say and support. Thanks darl 🤗

The mindspot course is fairly intense and full on. Excellent though. Athough they allow time but not so much that people wouldn't bother to continue or drift off it goes for a few wks if I remember.

No it'd be sometime way later after Mr recoops and we're unpacked that he won't be doing much at all till after full recovery.

I actually plan to do, which has been forever but have a project for Mil she'll be 87 this yr. It's an activity colouring book with my art incorporated to hopefully stimulate parts of elderly peoples minds and be enjoyable and varied.

Also aim to get stuck into the art and sewing but all after we finally get the place in order. So many health problems slowing the process but can't be helped. Just life throwing wobblies but tomoz always arrives eh

Several ideas so I need to get cracking and possibly sell these down the track. Need to make doosh. Some other ideas too that in the past what I've made has sold door to door.

Thanks for that post. Well put and constructive. You're an asset to the forums and to us that you support. Truth 🤗

Hope you're doing ok huns ☺

👩‍❤️‍👩💜🐾🤝⚘

[Doolhof]

Hi Deebi and to all reading,

Just dropped by and have had a quick read here. Seems there is a lot going on for you Deebi and for Mr Deebi as well.

Wishing him all the best with his recovery and wishing you strength as well.

You have some wonderful people here supporting you, this community is so very special isn't it!

Take care of yourself in all of this. Hugs to you from Dools

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩., Paws, Dools and everyone....🤗..

How is your beloved Mr Deebi feeling now...I hope he is feeling much better and on his way to healing...poor man he must have been in a lot of pain..I hope that has eased for me....

I love the idea of an activity book for your beautiful mil....I do think about her at times...I hope she is doing well....A long time ago..Do you have any puzzles or drawings in mind that your doing or going to do for your book.....I can’t wait to hear your ideas.....another life time and I was in high school...one of my teachers volunteered at her local hospital and as a project she asked us to all to each make a page so she could make some activity booklets for the sick children....I remember me doing a find a word puzzle...

Very true precious friend..the sun rises each day for a better tomorrow....I hope each day it rises that you have a great day....I wish so much that I could take away your health problems...You are an inspiration to me the way you keep getting on top of your pain and continually move forward...

I have been thinking about the sound of the sea, and found on YouTube some really nice sounds of the waves breaking at the shore and a seagull here and their whistling it’s presence...So peaceful...I love the smell and sound of the sea...I looked but couldn’t find a YouTube video that also added the smell of the salt air 😂😂😂😂...who knows the way technology is going these days..that just might be the next thing they discover😂..

Much love to you precious bbff...big hugs and lots of care given in my 💭..I wish I could give them to you in r/l...💚🧸🤗🌈🕊🌹

Please everyone reading take really good care of yourselves..you’re all awesome and wonderful people...love, care and hugs..💜🦋🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Hi Doolsy ⚘ Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 readers and all 👋

Mr 😍 said to thank you all for your care and support. Goes for me too. He's finally free of pain 2 days now. Had his Gall bladder taken out (cholecystectomy) which was rotten. Apparently he's had big stones for yrs. No pain till just. He has another procedure soon to get a biggy out from the bile duct. The stones can return. He's recovered well the poor babe. We had walkies to shops last 2 days.

Yes Doolsy it is a great community. Everyone doing hard yards and being so good and kind helping eachother.

Grandy hi darlin 🤗 It seems like 10% of sheer bliss activity progress and just feeling so dam good. Pftt gift from God with a devils pricetag!

Then 90% trying like billyo to not sink lower and cope. It's a constant battle against our own flipping heads. SO stinkin hard. If it wasnt for the mania I honestly don't know if I'd bother.

Something good but probs was extended mania I was very calm through the dam PTSD thoughts and anxiety absolutely both slammed yet I could let the ptsd must be 100's slide without pain which mania helps with. The anxiety I talked myself through. Assuming the scenarios are another version of anxiety slamming too of either arguments or someone might hurt me were/are both constant. Was hypervigilant a few times too. Awful!

The stress was ott as always then the last few days have been OMG. Oh and all the negative thinking being down on myself, over people but talking if we see them at shops or walking. All above still goin on.

Not nice the I guess dark side of me must be a part of me. It's truly like the devils in there. I am winning but struth!!!

SO tired. I know roughly where this thing is, its very important but sigh ...I'll look again later. One day we'll be unpacked and normality

I did manage to get a few bits sorted. Internet & organizing things for 😍 and us. Takes ever fibre of concentration. Frustration getting things done. They did get done tho

It's SO full on & SO bloody often. I'll persevere tho nearly gave in to wrong choice thoughts but stopped them.

I'm fed up being so damn broke then caving into smokes that I'm racking up loans for mostly! Ok to give up in normal times still.

Playing a lot of poker enjoying not loving it. With peeps all over the world. Good on Oz can't play for money as in real money. I got into trouble a while back. Little cost for chips. No Pokies no doosh

Yes,I too Like that writing carrying stuff it' comforting isn't it.

👩‍❤️‍👩💜 thx all ☺

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩,

I felt heartbroken for you when I listened to you post..it sounds like you are being pulled through the wringer by...non other then that horrible, evil Beasty...

Youre doing very well in managing your PTSD and depression, by letting those thoughts thoughts drift past your mind and not letting the thoughts grow and fester inside your head..it is very hard isn’t it honey..I remember you used self talk to help you manage..do you still use them?...

Awe bbff, it was hard to read that you nearly gave in to wrong choice, and if it wasn’t for mania, you don’t know if you would bother.....Yes it’s hard to deal with these thoughts, but I have a lot of faith in you that you are stronger...Much much stronger then beasty and the negativity that [IT]xx possesses...I know you...and I know you can get through this....

Have you started the colouring in book for your beautiful mil....I think she will be so thrilled and excited to colour it once your finished it....

Please bbff...reach out to us all here...if you need to, you have been here for us, for so long and I just wanted to tell you that I/we are here for you precious bbff....You matter to us so much..

Sending you my deep SSS love and a very special hug that you can feel the warmth of my care through...💚🌈🦄👼🧸🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...

[demonblaster]

Dear bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 and all including readers ☺

Grandy my sss thank you dear friend. It's so damned deep full on extremely stressful. So much going on at once.

I had a whopper dose of hyperventilating. I can laugh about now. Rang Mr cute 😍 in hospital intending to support. Lol I did ask after but just blurted out all the rot going on ..rah rah rah. After about 2/3 mins finally got my breath. Must've sounded like an obscene ph call 😂The dear love just listened and when I'd finally caught my breath he said "do you feel better now" ...he's precious 😍

Yes I did. A lot of stress came out. Wow sure did.

It feels like it won't stop. Waking up crying's not a good way to feel as we all know. Shower here and there.

Sleeps still fairly erratic. Slowly coming back

The constant self doubt just slam. Damned scenarios. I feel if any part of me that is crazy it's that. Deep down I know I'm not but trying telling beastys [ITxx] another matter.

I'm able just though it takes every mite of effort to focus on normal convo. Even laughs/joking if I'm around people but by geez it's hard when a huge part of you's trying and doing such a good job at berating yourself. I'm sure IT's (xx) got a diploma in sabotage.

Yes self talk I still when I think to. I'm getting a touch better at being more aware (Mindful) moreso catching the thoughts as they're taking me down. Then either challenging them or stopping emotions ruling. Until the next split second the next one hurtles through

Constant. I'm starting to manage some positives/happies too which is good til they run into ptsds leading to another sad. Tornado!

A plus is knowing I've been through unbearable worse and survived it. Nearly not often, but have.

I often remember Doolsy Wolfy Croixy Starwolf Peppy Quirky you too of course bbff your achievement thread amidst so many things.. Not fighting it as such, try calmness (Paul 🤗)

I think often about ages ago you so gently saying about the walls we build, to heal we need them down. I wasn't arguing exactly but forgot to say you're right lovey 🤗 They hold it all in. Hun if you know you're right keep at me with reasons. It can take an age but when I can see it I'll back down/apologise if need be. Stubbornness can save but also be a curse. I know it can be frustrating. I see it and feel it with others the same.

Mostly we bed around 10pm now. Not as many day sleeps. Tho should to recoop quicker. Hard with mania popping in here & there

Deep love bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤗 thank you all 🤗