Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hey Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..Paws and everyone...🤗

Hey honey how are you going..

Did you get your results back from mri scan...only if you want to share...

Been thinking about you and idk..get a vibe your struggling a bit...RUOK?...

Sitting with you lovely bbff....hoping you are okay and maybe got outside for some soul healing sunshine..

No need to reply honey if your not up to it..I’m still holding your hand with my love and care..💜🦋...

I think it’s about time we done some more travels with Sir Deendy.🐉....If Mr. Deebi wants to join us that would be awesome...

Giving you my unconditional love 4eva bbff..💜🦋🐻🤗💭..pubaok..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...🌱🕊🌹💭💜🐻🤗

[demonblaster]

Hi there dear Paws 🐾 and Grandy 🤗👩‍❤️‍👩

Oop sorry loves I said I'd bbt the other day.

Thanks girls yes it's a worry about mils cancer.
Fantastic about your relative Paws.
Dont know yet what her wishes are regarding any treatment. For now she's waiting to recoop strength & see how it goes for short few mths. Then after more tests I don't know. Very sad I doubt we'll have her for too much longer 😢

Mr Deebi 😍 he's such a precious. If he wasn't in my life it wouldn't be near as good. I'm finding it so much easier handling beasties rot.
Don't understand tho, I love him so much as my late love too. With both was reciprocated but I still sleep late and in arvo we do. Same with late love that had too with pain and meds.
It's ok but it's always been the same unless mania I've no hurry to get up.
Not depressed as such at all just no oomph apart from if we have plans. I'm getting up a bit earlier lately.

About 6 nights in bed now. Being very careful. Seems backs good again phew!

MRI results good but not sort of.
Good Syrinx & lower back both behaving but no reasons for the how many outs for so many yrs. Absolute agony. He said a little scolyosis. I have to read up. Think its the spines out of alignment. Can't help thinking they're missing something. Has to be a reason for the outs. At the worst felt my back was broken. I'll chat to GP.

Foots painful walking. Bad ones still but not as bad ? I dont walk on it much

Was so excited having a chat with mil the other day longer for a change. God I love her. She's slowly getting stronger from being sick.

Hun I agree coccoonings ok for a bit. Went to a bbq the other day.
I'm good. We go into ourselves at times aye.

Grandy hun yes having the precious love makes so much difference. He's so easy and lovable the sweetheart.

I so much wish swod hun 👭🗯 it makes me so sad cause every days one less knowing eachother in rl 😢
Loven Aunty Grandy advice. Thank you sweetyheart 🤗

Oh girls I did some more the other day in spare room
😆 dust and dance to the beat you're a crack up Grandy. Fur babies howling 😂
You got me the other day too saying you must look like a statue sitting outside 😅 love the honey too ty lovey

I told Mr 😍 about a trip to come with Sir Deendy. Ohh so good just like you beautifuls.

Thanks heaps girls. Love to you both 🤗

👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤝🕊🦋🌹🐉
Love you very deeply Grandy. Always you're in my thoughts. PubAok 😚🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩....and all.💜

Thats heartwarming hearing you had a lovely talk with your mil...I can hear the love you have for her through your words...It is so very sad...Deebi ..honey yes mil would need to recoup and digest everything that has been told to her by her specialist and Dr...Just letting her know that you love her dearly and you will be their for her if she needs anything’s or feels to talk...Is giving your beautiful heart and soul to her...and that would mean so much to her...

Im pleased your mri scan shows no major damage..but gee..something is going on with your back..and they need to find out what is happening to it....I have slight scoliosis..it’s a curvature of the spine..mine curves to the left..which makes my right shoulder slightly lower then my left shoulder...Mine starts curving around the shoulder blade area....I think Dr. Grandy..need to have to have a talk to the Drs...

Im so proud of you continuing on with your spare room...Honey it doesn’t matter how long it takes...Did you have some music playing...I know your not really fussed with music..but it can help when we clean to a beat. 🥁..

Since Mr. Deebi has entered your beautiful life..I can see or hear a difference in your life...you have changed into a much more happy and contented precious person...and that my dearest bbff..is gold...Very heartwarming for me..to know how much you are there for each other with love and care....

So do I bbff...each day that passes is one day less..😢..but I am so grateful that at least I can hear your words and feel your love and care....Don’t loose hope honey...it will happen..

Sending you much love bbff..with hugely hugs..💜🐻🤗..Please look after you like I would if I was there with you..

my love, hugs and care everyone...

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy....🌹🕊🌱💚🐉

[demonblaster]

Hi my gorgeous bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 and readers 👋

Thank you for that beautiful visit sweetyheart always so good seeing you.

You have so much warmth Grandy love I feel very supported and secure dear lady many thanks and much love 💜

Mhw tomoz we have our blat.

I'll bbt huns itsa bit late now

Hope you're doing really well honey 🤗

YAdimh lysvm BPaly beautiful 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤗🌞😙🐉🕊🦋

[demonblaster]

Hi dear Grandy bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩

Again thank you so much for your compassion and comfort you've no idea I imagine how good it is being you're bbff 💜🤗

I need to ring mil more often. Feel guilty but also giving her space.
A lot to take in for the precious.

Yes I'm annoyed not that I want bad things to show but you can't go through that unbelievable pain and have for many yrs when it goes out it having nothing much showing. There's a cause. I can't word how bad the pain is well yip you knew what I was saying that time. True.
I keep putting the Dr off needing a blood test including sugars that'll be off the planet. Oops.
Talk to him when I see him nearish future. Maybe on outs I should go see him he hasnt seen me at my worst but has at times & knows. I have strong meds to see me through but too hard going anywhere for the most.
Don't want an op just want them to know what the cause is. At least I'm ok again. Oh the relief but still dread getting up out of bed. Taking a long time to get confidence back.

Thanks thought it was a curveture of the spine. Does your back go out?
Oh Yes! 😅 please Dr Grandy wise them up 😂

He really is such a lovely easy sweet man I'm very happy, we both are. It's very easy.
I'm sure my late love sent him to me. Precious loves.

A few people have said same hun thx. I feel my hearts full again 😍
Our loves very strong.
Thank you darlin 🤗😚

Ok I won't lose hope but it's so hard and frustrating! Swod. True it' great we have here but we could be so good even more for eachother in rl 😢 Love you so much Grandy I'd love you to come and stay here and at yours. Others too from here it's such a lovely place and beaches.

Love you saying "like I would if I was there with you" ya gorgeous lady.

You look after yourself too beautiful. Truth you're always in my thoughts with so much love & security honeyheart.

Please plz PubAok lysvm yAdimh.

👩‍❤️‍👩💜🌞🕊🦋🌱🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

Please don’t feel guilty about not ringing your mil..I can only imagine how hard it would be talking to her knowing how I’ll she is....Just a very gentle suggestion honey...Even though it is so hard to..Please when you feel up to try to give her a ring...I am frightened that if something happens and you haven’t spoke to her you might have some regrets...If I’ve said wrong..please forgive me...I went home early the night my hubby passed away...and was less then an hour to late the next morning..yeah I have regretted my decision ever since...Don’t want that for you precious friend...

Hmmm..probably not but I’m thinking could be damaged muscles as well causing you grief with your back..I’m not sure but I think we can damage muscles/tendons etc..maybe a rip in one of them somewhere...or detached from bone...maybe something to ask your Dr....just thinking out of the box..,

Yes Deebi..it does go out at times..but mostly bottom section I have a bulge disc there..feels like it can’t be bent, and bending over slowly bit by bit until I get there is what I need to do sometimes....back near my shoulder blades aches no end when I use my arms..knitting, sewing, gardening ect...I usually take a anti inflammatory and it takes the edge of it..,I know you can’t take them,,,

I know that we could be good help for each other in r/l...I often think about it...and yeah it hurts a lot.😢...I would love to visit you and walk with you and Mr. Deebi along the beach..splashing you both as I kick up the water.😂..Then find a beautiful peaceful spot to sit and watch the sun setting....Never loose hope...keep holding on tight..

Sending my love via the golden thread connecting our souls together..followed by some warm gentle hugs...💚🦋🐻🤗.

Yadimh always and 💭 of care and respect honey..

My love, hugs, and care everyone..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[demonblaster]

BP day 3/4 v.mild

Had some weak cravings for a smoke. Had 2 today only having very randoms now. 1/2 manias ago I had 2 pkts.
More productive eg spare room etc. If it was mania back then it'd be day 6/7

A good light bulb moment on waking recently thx to mania.
This I knew but until then I haven't had any go go tho I've been working on occasion to do things.
It gets me tho I'm quite content watching a lot of TV and sleeping a lot.
This lack of motivations been throughout my life.

My thought was...You have to do things to get motivated!
Even with mild mania there's belief understanding drive want & perfect clarity.
If its a project it's crystal clear in your thoughts step by step the way to achieve with total belief/confidence & desire. Mind blowing.

I'm far from convinced somehow we're not able to bring this brilliance & extreme true happiness on.

I know we're wired differently but fundamentally we're the same.
How I see it we all have something we're good at.
We also all have roadworks going on upstairs slowing or making it difficult to run smoothly with varying degrees of intensity.
Anyways another time for that I need to keep working at getting better. It's happening in a big way. Clapping emoji 👏

Wow been sleeping without sleepers but waking with the birdies. Joy..yes but do they have to so early 😄

Getting more social again. True Grandy ok to withdraw for a bit but too easy to cocoon. Did church and visit to friends today was good. I doubt I'll be a believer but a great deal I agree with from teachings also opposite.

Love your company Mrs lovely 🤗

Thanks that was solid advice and no I don't at all mind huns I appreciate it. Yes I did ring and she was sleeping so said I'll catch her later.
I'm hoping we get to stay a couple before Xmas for some quality time when its less full on then maybe not stay as long over Xmas she'll be knocked up.
She's going to have radiation later on.

No Floss can't lose hope it's a lifeline we all need to get through the hards. Does sadden me greatly tho 😢

Thanks I'll try to remember to ask GP. Careful bending. Wonder if heat on it before you do. When mines out not a hope bending, can barely get seated. I want to get some stronger than the bigs I have for pain. Honestly can't do that initial pain again!

Thank you darlin for your always amazing friendship and support and to everyone ⚘

Golden thread with so much love darling friend 4evs 👩‍❤️‍👩💜👭

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...and everyone...🤗..

I really hope that you can spend a few days with mil...meant to ask you earlier...are you going to visit your brother this year?..,I know you love him deeply..just wondering if COVID has changed any plans you and Mr Deebi might have made....

Your gains strength each time you go into an episode..that’s gold...your doing a great job of self care and insight into your bp....lYou have so much to offer people of your lived experience...

Its hot here today...please dearest bbff..stay as cool as you can..hopefully you have that gorgeous sea breeze blowing through your home....

I like hearing that you’re getting out a bit more....mixing with friends is always..I feel the number one best distraction from getting ourselves separate from beauty thoughts...

When your back goes out..do you get what feels like a bolt of lightening suddenly zapping you?...and when it does...it puts your back into painful mode for a week or 2..Happens to me but not that much..as I’m very careful of my backs movements...the first time it happened I went to my Dr...he said it was a pinched nerve...after a couple of weeks it felt better...not sure because I didn’t ask him....maybe it gets stuck on the bulge and then flings away like an elastic....maybe your struggling with the same thing as I do at times of back outs.....

Anyway loveliest bbff ever...I hope you have a good day today...stay cool and hydrated...bbl..or bbt...

Much love and care coming your way down the golden thread that the angels wove for us....💚🦋🕊🤗🐻🤗🌹.

Care, love and hugs everyone..

Grandy🕊🌱🐜🐛🕷

[demonblaster]

Heya boodiful 👩‍❤️‍👩 and all lovelies 🖐

Thank you for always such a beautiful warm caring post. You really are such a rock dear friend I hate to think how or where I'd be without you 🤗

I'm coming down and started a post then had a great blat and lot of mh talk to mhw he's fantastic. We always have a good laugh so Mr gorgeous gets good entertainment.

We have a very good friendship now and I've made it clear that if I lose him as a mhw we'll be just the same cause thats what friends do except I'll listen to his stuff too 😅

Just going to bed soon so thought I'll jot down so I dont forget and wanted you to know I'm ok but geepers the foots not at all. Get em both checked out weds seeing doc then nxt time I'll talk in detail how I'm positive they're missing something with my back.

• Very fast mood drop
• ? Why I withdrew
• Mania is my normal kinda
• Inbetween BPs
• Motivation
• Holy Moley coming you might enjoy on tv.
• Sewing etc you on your thread
• Back
• Excercise
• Reunion & long lost good friend
• Mil things for her

Roight that should exceed the character count several times lol including what I've already written 😆

Btw darl hope you don't mind I borrowed your gorgeous screech 💨 on Hannahs thread. Loved that as much as the bag 💼 and tractor 🚜 😂..so 😎.

Hope you went ok today sweet love. Always in my thoughts. Would love to be there to support you esp vc days.

PubAok sweetyheart yAdimh lysvm. Look after you beautiful 😚

Always 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🏍💧🌱⚘Love you very much Grandy Floss ☺

Nigh nite everyone sleep well ☺

[Ggrand]

Hey there beautiful Deebi 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

What was your day like today..Did you anything special for you?...

Love the friendship you have with mhw...it helps a lot doesn’t it honey..when you like and trust your mhw, enough to call it a friendship...I’m happy for you...

Deebi...honey, you know your body/back more then any Dr. or machines..we have this little voice inside of us...called a conscious..this little voice can annoy the crap out of us when beasty gets a hold of it.,..But when beasty don’t have control over it...our conscious is ours, and it’s our little voice coming from our soul...saying to you..that something is still wrong and to get your Drs to investigate further...lPlease, please dearest bbff...don’t ignore your little voice...it’s our soul talking to us..and you need to try to listen to it...

Whats mine is yours beautiful friend...I love hearing that you like the 💨..anytime, you want to stick your head in our 💼 and search for something..your more then welcome..just be careful you don’t fall in to it...I mean there are trampolines on the bottom, but it takes so long to stop bouncing...then because the lift is broken down...you would have to walk up all of the 7,777 steps..🥵..

Deeply saddened by your feet..poor bbff....Please speak to Dr about them on Wednesday as well as everything else you need to...

I’m going to bed in a tick of the clock...pubaok, lysvm, yadimh..and 💭..Love you dearest bbff...💜🤗🌱🌹..so much care for you..

Good night special lady..sleep tight..and wake up bright..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..