Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Hi beautiful Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 and all

Thanks dear Grandz yes the bbq was nice it's a lovely spot.

😂 I'm picturing trying a window 🤤

Thanks hun wow you just can't relax until you're well and truly out of these can you!

Theres been several scenario thoughts of arguments.

Several blaghh moods

Several feeling down

And that trapped feeling oow that's really horrid. Yes pleased hun but I think it's just so damned often it's waring me down but then this is 4th day with less than horrific struggles but still a lot to deal with.

Lovely moments and good times in between.

Love very much Mr Deebi we get on very well the love I'm sure that makes a mammoth dif.

Thought how good no scenarios or ptsd but easier to handle just had enough of the bloody work you have to do.

Yip was mania until about 4 days ago. Same as you Grandz going ok but hard work at the same time.

Love your key and door 😅 you always make me smile or laugh. Love you heaps honey.

[IT]⚘makes you see a lot in a negative way but easier than most of my life in BP geez the horror of the downs.

Nigh nite darlin. Hope you're doing reasonably well 🤗😚👩‍❤️‍👩😍💜🤝👀🕊🗯💗

Anyhoo I'll bbl sweetyheart and all.

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...and everyone..

The bbq sounds special honey..and a nice spot as well...was their some beautiful trees and some nice memories you made to look back on and inspire you to go again...

Yep..you’re so right..it’s hard to relax and get into a good mindset when in BP....It’s a bugger that it has to run its course..we can ease the course sometimes to make it easier on us..then again that’s hard to do and so tiring...Sleeping through the down days I try to do, because they are yucky thoughts running a marathon inside our brains....

That rapped feeling is the worse..I want to run away from it..trouble is..it comes along uninvited..and destroys any peaceful thoughts....If we could understand why our mind picks up on those negative thoughts and throws away the positive thoughts..then we can win each downer...

Scenarios honey are just our negativity trying to push us further into submission to cause problems/trouble with the ones that love us...We done have to carry out those scenarios, they are like day dreams...maybe write or draw your scenario out on paper, so you can either read it or see it..and work out a way to put positives into it...maybe have a journal just for that..

Been thinking of you honey but not replied until now..my weekend was a crappy sad one..My neighbour saw me on Saturday sitting out the front, then me sitting and standing out back staring into nothingness totally lost and confused..she knocked on her window and called me over for tea...she said she saw me crying..I thought I hid it well...This is Mrs Cranky..I think I better change her name to mrs caring...I stayed a couple of hours with her..Wow how nice was that...

I love that you have Mr. Deebi with you to look out for you..he is a treasure...meant to be...Your good for each other..and that is gold..

I hope you’re getting enough sleep precious bbff..it helps..I noticed you were up past midnight last night...hands on hip, tapping my foot..but with love and care for you...always will love my bbff...💜🦋🕊🌱..🌜🧸🧡🤗🌛..

Enjoy today the best you both can...and look after yourselves and each other...always here for you dearest friend...I’m so happy that your in my life...swod.. 💭 of you..

My care, love and hugs everyone..🦋💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...🌜👀🤝🌛..24/7..

[demonblaster]

Dear Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 hi any readers ☺

Oh Grandy 🤗..SO good to see you honeyheart. Geez I missed you. Mean it lovey I don't want ever you feeling obliged to post if you're not up to. Just as you know it's great seeing you to know if you're ok tho not eh hun 🤗
I started noting a post for yours,
an ruok & bit mucking around. Some time I'll finish to hopefully give you a 😀
It's hard enough in the darks, sometimes we need time out or just simply time out. I get it 🙂

You're go through so much and on top the VC counselling. You were in a really bad place Grandy love. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much 🤗 Makes me so sad & frustrated. I SO wish swod!

How beautiful Mrs Caring looked after you. Who'd of thought she'd be a friend like this.
So glad slowly your friend and support circles growing.

Do you think that other thread could be hard on you too lovey., I understand 🤗

Still going through the motions of getting back to normal.
Heaps of happies between but doesn't it go on. I had a really good mania this time & not so short yum.

The scenarios are annoying. I feel like it's a bit whacky.
That's right lovey nah I'd never act on anything. In my worst times never any desire to. Opposite actually I don't want to be arguing or fighting with people.

Yip could be stress finding an out with Beasty brat throwing [IT]'s 2 bob in. I want change 😅 get it change & currency change.
It's like what the!

That & Ptsd I'm hearing but mostly pulling up on the nags staying or start for too long. Long enough tho.

Had another horrid trapped. They don't last too long. They make you hyperfocus on the feeling.
Yeh it does feel like you need to escape.
Mines the desparate need to get outside which I usually don't. A strong feeling.
Not exactly sure how I take them down but do. Bloody awful!

Never have liked but starting to pull up when you feel so cynical and negative picky etc in the downs.

Easier but still hard work.

Not daily day sleeping but still a fair bit. Need a lot always have.

Sweety a few things I've forgotten to reply to you.
Love and appreciate you & here helps SO much thanks to you and other such amazing people 🤗

Nigh nite lovey yip another late one. Oops again. Hands on hips. You too gorgeous 😄 sprung 😉

👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤗👀🤝

Thanks Grandy advice support dear dear bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩💜 you're the best 😚

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, and everyone...🤗..

You’re doing a good job honey...we will get their...soon I hope...

I have a very hard time with PTSD triggers...it takes me days sometimes weeks to get out of it...Knocks us down before we even know what’s happening...I think that’s why it’s hard for us to get out of them...because no thoughts before at all before we go down...it’s just a one way ride full speed down a long slippery dip, full of slippery soap bubbles...then trying to climb up the slippery metal slide again....Two steps up then slide right back down again...I hope you get to the top of the slide soon bbff..here honey take my hand 🖖 and I’ll pull you out.💪..

When you feel trapped Deebi..and you feel trapped and want to go outside...Maybe just walk to your door and then outside even for 5 minutes..it might help you..or even onto your balcony...maybe just try and go with what you desperately need to do....Oh dear I remember when I felt trapped and got in my car for an escape and ended up 8 hours away at my brothers..then a night in a strange hospital...I don’t drive off anymore when I’m triggered...I put myself into too much danger...Please be careful when your down with PTSD..

Sleep is good for you/us Deebi..it’s healing both mind and body..sleep as much as you need to...you can only sleep as much as the body needs it..

I miss you too Deebi...Just not the best over the last week...talk on mine soon or later...

Much deep love dear bestie friend..with big bear 🐻🤗.....🌜💜🌛...

My care, love and hugs to everyone listening..🦋💜🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..pubaok..lysvm..yadimh..and 💭..

[demonblaster]

Bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 and everyone hi ☺

Hey darlin just dropping in ...take note dropping in to throw the kettle on...sort of..
Thought a yum creamy hot chocolate made on milk 🍷 would be 😲.. O Yeh baby... vrr ...screeeech...Oh 💩 said Deebi watching the little birdies flying in a circle above her head 🤕 ...nah too embarrassed 😶 to say what happened ... but pwomish... I'll fix the roof 🛠📎..mmm 🤔 where did I put that chewing gum ...🗨

Ok so if you'd like to sit back down my darling in your favourite seat ... oh sorry darl I'll just dust it off ... 🌬...I know sweetyheart... there there...here's a nice hot cuppa tea 🍼 ...oh I know love it must have been a nasty shock having not only such a big super charged turbo Harley vroom bike 🚴‍♀️ but a body crashing in through the ceiling... um...I might just grab the vacuum cleaner ⛹️‍♀️ ...for later.

Just wanted to see you darlin and ask RUOK 🌈. When you're quiet I know you're doing it hard. It's quite often I find in the hard times to write what's going on. There's so much or too hard to express or both.
Sometimes we need time out don't we lovey. Gently smoothing your hair.
As you know it's so hard not knowing if eachother or others here are ok. thanks beautiful for being in touch I'll reply tomoz lovey it's late again.

Can't stand you doing such hard times alone Grandy it's so unfair. I'm positive we could help eachother so much more. swod 😐

What can I do to help Grandz? If I can I will gladly...just not so sure about sharing Peppys choccy though...🍫

Love you so so much Grandz
PuAbok ..U2 .. yAdimh bbff4evs darlin 🤗😚👩‍❤️‍👩💜🍫🤝👀🕊 wished for you sweet deserving lady 💗

We WILL find our way through this.
It's happening slowly but surely.

☀️🕊💗🤝🌱

[demonblaster]

😂 oopsy sposed to be on your thread me lovely ☺

Bbt here thanks for your understanding and support Grandy.

Huge love dear bbff friend 😚🤗 👩‍❤️‍👩💜

[blondguy]

Hey Hey DeeBee!

I hope you have been doing ok! Its always great to read your wonderful posts not to mention your excellent profile pic 🙂

Bear Hugs always

Paul

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Paul and all...🤗.

Thats okay Deebi, here or mine is okay..I visit you so much and you me..so alls good...

Thank you for falling through my roof..it’s raining here and I’ve had to dig out my bath tub and drag it into the lounge room to catch the waterfall cascading down into my lounge room😂..My dogs are hiding thinking they are going to get another bath...

Deebi...honey you being here for me and chatting, fantasising, smashing my veranda and roof..Is the best ever way you can ever help me...I’m very lucky, did you know that..because I have a home, a car, food, water and the very best and precious thing I have is you...oh but a piece of 🍫 will help...

I’m okay Deebi...How about you, how are you doing lovey..I know you’ve been coming down from bp as well as you’ve been in ptsd downer...hope you still are coming up bbff..Pubaok....Love you..💜..big soul hugs with a bear..that makes it a bear soul hug 🐻🧸...

Keep pushing those negative thoughts away and fill that part up with positives..Mr Deebi and your beautiful gift of him..the unicorns pictures you saw...the stars, moon and sun..clouds..flowers..our little kitties..🐆🐅..and puppies.🐩🐕..the beach and driftwood..little walks...so many more positives...they are all around you...locked in your mind..the more negatives you push out the more room for positives to grow...

Please look after you dear bbff..the way that I would..

My love, care, and hugs..💜🦋🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Beautiful Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 hi dear Pauly ☺ lovely seeing you both 🤗

Thanks Pauly for your kind words.
Oh and yours too I've always loved your profile pic.
Ditto bear hugs always. A good hugs great therapy.
Hope you're doing well budz 🤗

Dear Grandy hiya bbff 🤗
I said before about not replying to some things you said. Sorry I meant to say communicating esp the last couple of days has been mad. It's in my head but was coming out fragmented/forgetting, broken sentences etc & before at times too. I meant to say I want to reply but 🙃

You just can't relax during BP eh. I'm nearly out of it. Cripes feels like a month this one.
Quite tired no exhaustion for a nice change.
Late nights not always day sleeps some earlier mornings for outs & pain knocks us about.

Back I keep thinking oh good it's improving then catches a couple times when early out of bed. I'm barely bending. Distressing. Crushes confidence.

It's mostly ok later in the days.

Carbuncles clearing. 3 lots of antibiotics.

True no thoughts before PTSD.
Boom suddenly you're right down clueless to why. Rollercoaster.

At least had a longer mania by far than what I thought which was 4/5 days so longer than that.
This down mutts dragged on ages.

I think too you're bang on about [IT]⚘ having to go through the motions Grandz.
There seems no stopping it. Just learning to ride them. Wooo there ya mongrel beasty...sit..heel...good now go and play with the traffic!

So true trying to climb the slippery slope. Thanks for your 🖖😊

Good thoughts hun I'll try to get outside it makes sense.
I remember well you driving 8 hrs. Was scary 😯
Thing is it's SO full on as you know & overpowering.
I feel I HAVE to get on top of it asap. So consuming.
It's that I fear it coming on harder if that's possible if I don't work on it immediately.

You crack me up hun 😂 love your comments about the roof.

Thought you might enjoy a nice waterfall in your tub 🛁.

I'm seriously thinking 🤔 of going into interior decorating or maybe air conditioning 🌬 because it seems I'm such a natural don't ya think 😅

Love you heaps Mrs Grandy Floss 🤗 pubAok too huns. Couldn't bear not having you as a bbff for evs. Means the world.

Nigh night peeps ☺🤗👩‍❤️‍👩💜🗯🛁🌬🌿

[Paw Prints]

Hello Deebi,

Popping in to give you a gentle bear hug lass.

You have been going through the wars, haven't you. It's good to hear those nasty carbuncles are clearing.

Hmmmm....your redecorating at Grandy's place has me wondering if perhaps you might be part Great Dane??? You seem to have the same co-ordination & you definitely have that special something that makes people love you & forgive every ooops. 😅

Here are some more hugs & some Kahlua 🍫

Paws