Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Hi darlin Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 and everyone 👋🤗

I love hearing from you beautiful and like to reply when I can and I could but todays been mixed as anything. I'm holding back from going with beasty and being cranky or horrid. It's so bloody hard and makes you feel like you're just not worth a nickel but most of that I've been coping with but wowsie it throws you into foul moods at times. (Not as common for me but temper rising is) I've pulled outta those but geez 😠 Very tired usual story. Getting there but no great shakes 😆🙃☺☹😠🤒want one so bad at times.

Grandy I re read today and got another giggle at your x 8 or 6 rubbers can't now remember which. Love your humour.

Catch you tomoz lovey going to try for earlier bed ☺😚👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤗

Thank you and everyone always in my 💗⚘

[Paw Prints]

Hello Deebi,

Here are some gentle huggily hugs to help choof beasty away. You have this lass, I believe in your strengths.

If beasty is whispering (maybe that should be yelling) in your ear, then ask your gorgeous Mr Deebi to do some breathing with you. Holding his hands while you do them, you can feel yourself wrapped in loving hugs from all your friends here. So breathe in...two...three...Breathe out.... choof.... beasty..... breathe in.... two.... three.... Breathe out.... choof..... beasty..... repeat.....

Sending you sweet dreams

Paws

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, lovely Paws and all...🤗..

Awe..Deebi..Yes honey it’s hard, mixed is a bid dipper of a ride ...and hard to manage..making you feel not worth a dime...You’re worth then all the money that this world could ever make in the universe’s life time....

Breathe like our lovely Paws has recommended......it does help..along with self talk....you can do this bbff..it will pass...believe in your want of choofing off Beasty...

Having yourself getting angry...I know you can’t help it..but it does cause a longer time in coming down...Now how do we stop the anger feeling you get...

Lets try to sit on a cloud and when your breathing..breathe out the anger and breath in the soft pure air of the clouds...trying to remember that anger is only an emotion that we can with being mindful can manage...Look around you and what do you see..Do you have a picture hanging on your walls of a peaceful place that you can take yourself into or if not look out your window or balcony doors and see the gentleness of the waves..coming in to shore, the tiny bubbley foam that it bring with it....While the waves goes out to sea...(in breath)...it gathers its strength, it’s anger, and soon enough it releases it out like an out breath,. (breathe out)...as all the sea’s out breath comes into shore...before it arrives it starts let go of anger and begins to feel the peace of the foamy bubbles and sand gently swirling and enjoying the peace that breathing can do for us..with our imagination/ visualisation...it can help us...with practice...

I’m pleased I gave you some giggles....Last time I attempted to draw the tree..I ended up rubbing a hole right through one of the branches..😁..It looked like a squirrel dug out a hole and built its home there..

I really hope so much honey that you’re doing okay...rest as much as you need, sleep as much as you need...and remember my beautiful Deebi...That it’s okay not to be okay..But my wish for you......Is that you’re always better then okay....and everyone here as well...

Gotta go now bbff...You’re deeply in my thoughts and heart..love you sweet Deebi...4 eva....pubaok..yadimh..wiwwyip..always..👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🦋💜👭.🧸🤗.

My love, care and hugs everyone...💜🦋🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy....🦄👼...👀👂💭🤝.

[demonblaster]

Hello dear Paws 🐾 Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 and all ☺
Thank you loveys both for your beautiful posts 💗

I was hoping to be out of BP by now it was a definate hypomania (type 2) again.
Had some yum moments in mania. Seems like there was two batches.
Being so in the moment often it clicks it's mania later.

Probs for 4 days coming down including today but less it's intermittently been very hard work but majority of
crikey how many times.

Incredibly knocked up.

Plenty of happy times too laughing talking etc seen friends and phone sometimes and of course this darling man 😍 that I adore. We're very happy which helps no end.

It's just so bloody hard. I think yes Grandz I have turned some corners. Big maze this one isn't it sigh

I had an incredibly sudden mood drop which mostly they are fast. Went down like a bag of chocolates 😄
Had some horrid moods which sorry I didnt say properly before I was trying so hard not to be a cow and thats an understatement occasionally I was! Apologised immediately dear Mr Deebi was sweet quiet and wisely didn't react the dear love. I can't stand feeling like that and usually manage to not be a witch but ... ☹ tho I imagine that rots part of me which is really a horrible blaghh. I'm ok but not about that but starting to get better overall at not holding onto or things ruminating at least. I'm talking internally to thoughts often and then choofing them out to the Right side they come in the Left of my head it feels like.

It really is hard to explain and today too times of depression feeling trapped I thinks anxiety horrid!

Mostly throughout I've been happy but wow not all the time geez.

I wonder if we have mixed because we're starting to learn to lift out of depression and back up. I know it takes little to go into mania for myself anyway.

Grandy absolutely it feels like there's two people. One good and one bad horrid. Geez I can see a lot of why I didn't moreso but definately do in BP but have a way to go but more like in normals and booming in mania.

Thanks listening
Girls 👩‍❤️‍👩🐾 I'll check back tomoz and reply loves.
Thanks again for amazing support.

Grandy really loved breathing on the cloud. Going to read again magic lady 😚

I've thought more about your 🎁 but as you can see having probs wrappingit up 😅 but pwoomish you'll get it sweetyheart bbff.. flutters eyelashes

Grandy love you very deeply dear 🦄 bbff always and growing stronger daily. Oh yeh family honeyheart 🤗👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤝🦄👂😚👀

Bbl 🍃

[demonblaster]

Pawsy 🐾 Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 and everyone hi 😊

🐾 Thanks hun the hugs 🤗 are very welcome ☺

It's a good reminder about breathing. In the hards we get pretty tense often not realising that we're shallow breathing 🌬 It helps with relaxation and spreads the oxygen further

So cute sometimes either 😍 or I deep breathe at night in bed sometimes, then we're both doing it. Synchronised breathing 😄

Comforting loving 🤗 hugs from everyone too 💗

It's SO damned hard. More often than not it really does make you consider no matter how much loves around you how much you can take.
Thank god it passes.

Definately easier being in type 2 (hypomania) but still incredibly hard at times. The difference now is it's intermittent I guess cause I'm pulling up and through but not always before it takes me down but improvements handling the rot. So much and so caried.

Incredibly hard work and frightening living in the dark side.

Cheers Pawsy I hope you're feeling brighter hun 🐾💗🤗🤝🐆

Dear Grandy 🤗 so good seeing you bbff ☺Always is. Honestly I don't know what I'd do without our beautiful friendship.

I'm pretty sure he's sick of me not going with what he says. I do understand a lot which he knows

I too get resigning to not finding happiness. Very sad way to be eh darlin 🤗. I figure if I go along all the time yes good support for him but no chance of giving him a reason to pull up again.

Geez it's hard seeing someone so low. You feel so helpless. Haven't heard back for a while surprisingly thats ok too tho. I wouldn't have been coping well with more. In the 5th day now in the harder parts its on and off been a doozy. Few bits in mania and before

Grandy it's mania for the most that I can see why lifes so fantastic 😀 Thats my ? our normal. I won't repeat it all but it's when we're productive and everythings awesome 💗🌞⛅🌟

Todays better but still struggling and tired. No day sleep. Not sometimes lately.

Bout 6 rollies from friend the other day. Havent got a pkt this time but damn cravings going for it intermittently. Busting but have to bite the bullet..nearly in half 🤤no hair left cause ..boom 💣...💥...

That really was beautiful the anger & the waves. Great descriptions thx lovey I could feel it ☺

Oh Grandz you're so funny we cracked up about rubbing a hole in the branch and a squirrel made a home 😂

Deep love sweetyheart. Always 🗯💜👀🤝 wiwawyip honeyheart maybe one day. We have hope. 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤗😚

💗 everyone ⚘

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...and all....🤗..

Sorry Deebi I’ve not replied to you...I was moving a cupboard from the loungeroom to the kitchen, when I was lifting it onto the bench I wanted to put it on, my hand got in the way and it fell on it....I think just bruised, not broken I don’t think....wow I have a black hand at the back and was unable to move it for a day..my fingers are working now..woopie!...

Awe poor sweetheart...getting angry..I’m sure Mr. Deebi knows the true sweet gentle you and hopefully understands that you go through these episodes every so often....He is a treasure for you sweet lady....and you so much deserve each other’s love and comfort..💜🕊..

Mania does help us to see the beauty in the world as well as some people’s as well....Honey if you need sleep please don’t force yourself not to....Sleeping gives our mind a break from the world we live in, when we are down....

Mindfulness works for cravings..gets our mind of the ciggies and most other cravings we can get....

Im pleased you liked the clouds beautiful bbff..anger is just an emotion and can be controlled but I believe it’s hard...Sometimes I wish I could feel some type of anger...maybe it would stop a lot of feeling of being trapped and caged up and going down to quickly..idk...I remember my parents anger and my hubbies..I just don’t see the need to be angry..because it doesn’t change the situation..I feel it escalates everything, makes things worse....I hope I never said wrong to you...

We never know Deebi..a kind word here and their, showing him you care, could one day be a reason for him to pick up...your and the other people here....words of care and kindness has picked me up many many times..

I hope today is a lovely day for you Deebi...it’s a perfect winter’s day here, sun shining with a healing warmth..please if you can go outside even for 15 minutes to feel the warmth on your skin does help..

Love you Deebi...always..👀👂💭🤝..............We are strong, we are invincible....we are together.....always connected by our hearts and soul.....💜🤗🦋🕊🌱🌹💪..we got this honey....🤜👿🤛..Kaboom.. 💣..🧸🤗..

Care, love and hugs everyone..🦋💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..🦄👼🕊👭🍫🍫

[demonblaster]

Sweet Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 hi everyone 😊🤗

No need to be sorry lovey I absolutely love our time but only when you're ok to.

Struth that was a nasty painful sounding accident geez you poor love and the colour.. oh Grandy 🤗 thank goodness you can move your fingers today.
I'm not sure about now but if you have swelling hold your affected limb up and ice it. I'd imagine you're familiar with all that.
Please be careful precious friend.
I'll just get Nurse Deebi ... 👩‍🏭

It's incredibly hard to explain and describe how it is when in so deep.
I think moreso it was sarcasm on occasion and argumentative etc more than anger soz I did say anger.
He's gentle quiet man 😍 doesn't very often give me reason for anger and yes I've been telling him what it's all about.
He doesn't get fazed often and knew I was struggling so just soaked it up. I'm Oh darlin I'm sorry each time. I really don't like being a cow at all.

Wasn't often but SO hard because in that state we're only having dark thoughts like nothing at alls nice good or fun as you'd know but also often I was laughing & talking with the love.

At least some improves.
Difficult to be stoked when [IT]x⚘ puts you through so much.

Almost better mentally. 2/3 more good sleeps then normal again.

I liked very much you saying anger being an emotion good on you huns. Helped. I'm thinking a lot about that and other things you & others say

Oh this is great. I went through it all without a sleeper 😲 happy days indeedy.
Think I wanted to keep the productivity while I had it.
Thought maybe better quality sleep at night tho I'm near in a coma coming down. Had one in the chair this eve. Jeeps a couple hrs Mr 😍 said.

Oh does it. How does mindfulness help with cravings lovey? Thank goods they've backed off.

Anger does block rational thought at times and escalate that's right.
It also can protect us to a degree at times but pretty much a negative emotion.

Thanks for that guidance with friend. Although I've moved on as in talking to him etc I'm holding back a tad with him.

Hun is it too early for a sicko joke 😁... wish I could give you a hand in your recovery 😜 (with your hand)

Souls and hearts very true lovely we're linked with pure everlasting friendship of the best kind. Respect love and care Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩💜👀🤝💗

Read at yours darlin I'll catch you tomoz beautiful 🤗😚

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..and everyone...🤗..

Awe thank you nurse 👩‍⚕️ Deebi...Yes a bit of swelling, lots of different colours blues, purples, browns..and some red around the sore it created where it fell...Hand of many colours..😂😂...It’s okay, I have a strong threshold where bangs, and bruising happen...Wish I was as strong with my mh...

It is too hard to explain how we feel, when the darkness grabs hold... Words aren’t descriptive enough to explain the pain and hurt of the deepness bp and/or CPTSD takes us down to...

Well done no day sleep, I hope your getting enough sleep through the night...”Early to bed..early to rise..helps our depression..runaway and hide”...😂...

happiness, anger, sadness, joy, all these and more are our emotions..They come and go, while we chat to people, interact with people..our daily activities, work..I don’t believe that we can be 100% ...24/7 of any one of those emotions...Each day when not in depression we feel a few different emotions daily...

Haha..haha..thanks for the joke sweety...😂😂....You can definitely give me a hand of yours to hold..anytime you want to..

Take care of you..my dearest bbff..Love you so much..💙big 🧸 🤗...sweetheart...Here is a yummy box of liquor chocolates, 💝 for you and Mr. Deebi to enjoy...Don’t eat them all at once though..I picked some marshmallows today and I’m going to make you both something yummy to eat, next weekend...

My care, love with some hugs everyone..🦋💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...🦄👼...🕊🌱..

[demonblaster]

Hey my bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 and all ☺

Grandy love 🤗 Hope you're doing as well as can be lovely heart. Oh and your poor hand I've been thinking about it.
So wrong you've toughened so much to physical pain.
Dear lady you're well on your way to being as tough with mh 🤗 you/we got this 🤝
I must say though in all seriousness darlin if you don't mind me saying, your colourful hands quite becoming 😁 ..new fashion maybe 🤔
I know you know my humour honeyheart 😆

BP day ?
Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart.

Grandy it really is so hard isn't it to describe the mental anguish. It's not been all the time thank goods.
So far I've not let it take hold.
It's SO incredibly hard the roller coaster of good bad laughing happy dark tired depressed deeply and the list goes on.

Atm my heads far from right yet.
I thought coming down would be over way sooner.
Beasties sooky la la-ing cause [IT's] x⚘ not getting it's way as much so plays nasty hard still.
One good is I'm mostly type 2 now. You'd think the downs would be way less but nah still blaghh

I'm noticing a big deterioration with my memory. I think the stroke contributes and know BP does. It's during episodes and aware always now how much I misunderstand so keep checking

Not surprising really getting so wrecked apart from late nights even when the heads not going 100 miles an hr esp at night. Oh just repeating NO SLEEPERS this episode woo hoo 😀

Having some probs s at than not through it but going to try not to in normals. Just want the horrids to rack off 😤 They will soon I know. At times it feels like your trapped and need to leave your body. (Think anxiety) i usually get outta bed soon after they're suffocating. I'm starting to catch them too. Geez it's hard bloody yakka but we're getting there & that's what counts eh Grandz & everyone 🤝

Oh oh baby ..THANK YOU sweetyheart for the choccy liqueurs we love them 💝 love that, you have a creative mind hun. Cool looking forward to our Marshmallow surprise yum already slurp. How 😶 my tongue was hanging out 😄

YAY loven Big Brothers back again woo hoo

Love you darlin pubAok bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩💜

Thanks for everything sweetyheart/s 💗

👩‍🚀 oh good there's nurse Deebi. I was looking for her. Last I saw she was with you Grandz. She looks different out of uniform 👩‍⚕️.. so much fun we have Grandy Floss 🤗😊😀😂😆😅😄😉😎😁

Nigh nite everyone night darlin ..there you go all tucked in beautiful 😚🤗

[Ggrand]

Hiya Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..and everyone...🤗..

Its very exhausting in bp..with all the mixed up emotions..I tried to catch one..but nah it got away and buried itself deeper inside...Maybe I’ll use some sort of [IT]xx trap..will look into my 💼 and see what I’ve got in their...I know what we need.. 🔨 to use on [IT]..but it’s a sneaky little bugger and holds on tight...Deebi...we can release its grip on us..with self talk, beautiful music..watching Big Brother..I’ve never watched it..I don’t think...I remember you saying you liked it and formed a special bond with a person on face book...I hope you can reconnect with her if you feel to...

It does pass...Not quick enough..if we could catch it in the really early stages maybe it might help us..to not go as low...but I’m thinking like everything else [IT]xx unfortunately has to run its course, before we can breathe easier with peace...

I hate feeling trapped..yes I think anxiety and ptsd combined causes that feeling...Having that trapped feeling..is the danger zone for me...How about you sweetyheart..are you safe when you feel like that?

Haha...my hand is a dirty yellow colour now..with some red around a sore in the middle of it...looks 😂 but it works well...can type good now...

Im pleased you both liked the chocolates 🍫..I’ve been craving 🍫 the last few days... It is very yummy..just in case you forgot..I found some chocolate coated oreos, they are nice and I love dark chocolate Tim Tams...I bought both if you want to come over I’ll share a piece of each one 😂😂..

Well done with no sleepers...I am so very proud of you..and your determination to do what you feel is best for your mh..

Nurse Deebi...is my hero 🦸‍♀️...love how you take care of me..thank you precious friend..love you stacks and stacks honey.. ( 🍯 💙)..🧸🤗💙❣️...👀🤝👂☁️💫

ooh L👀KY here Deebi...it’s a...a...r racing car..🏎 💨💨💨..Wonder how fast it goes?..Hmmm..later we can go for a spin in it..

Enjoy Big Brother..I’m going to watch tonight..

Love and hugs everyone with kind thoughts.💜🤗🦋..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...🦄👼🍯💙🕊🌱